Chapter 1 - The Deal
"You never date," Duo says, giving Heero a quick concerned glance
before returning his attention to the television. "It's not
normal. You're gonna end up a scary loner holed up in some mountain
shack, making mail bombs or something."
"Hn," Heero responds, barely even aware of Duo's comment.
"I really mean it," Duo says out of the blue, during the next
commercial break some ten or fifteen minutes later. Seeing as how
Heero has no clue what he's talking about, Duo snags the remote off
the coffee table and switches the TV off. "You need to go out and
meet people. Have you ever even gone out on a date before?"
Heero rolls his eyes with irritation, eying the remote strategically
and the TV with some fair amount of longing. "And why are you
interested in my love life so suddenly?"
"Cause it's so pathetic it's bringing me down, man. Remember last
week at the club when that girl tried to talk you up all night, and
you just sat there making yes/no replies and grunting? It was so
sad I couldn't even get in the mood to pick up some ass. So-hey!"
Barely managing to snatch the remote away from Heero's intrepid grab
attempt, Duo stuffs the remote into his pants pocket. "Nuh-uh,
Heero. No TV till we get to the bottom of this. As I was saying, I
normally wouldn't interfere with your love life, or lack therof, but
when it prevents me from getting some, then we have an emergency
Heero, whose glare has gotten progressively deeper, just sighs and
crosses his arms over his chest. "What business is it yours?"
Duo also sighs, because Heero may have a 4.0 GPA, but clearly not in
the listening department. "Cause it's ruining my love life, Heero.
Now I think our best plan of attack is to get you all dolled up,
take you out to a bar this Friday and hook you up. You won't
believe how good you'll feel after an orgasm or two. Sound good?"
"No," Heero says, somewhat red, in part embarrassment but mostly in
annoyance. "I don't need your help. I'm fine the way I am."
"No you're not. That's loser hermit talk, Hee-man. Come on, let me
help you. I bet you I can find you someone you'll like."
"No. Just drop it."
"Come on, Heero," Duo pleads, desperate to convince Heero before he
figures out that the TV can be turned on by hand. "Listen, how
about we make a real bet. I'll find you three dates. You go out
with them once and if you don't want to see any of them again, I'lll...
um... do all your homework for the rest of the semester."
This at least brings some humor to Heero's face. "I'd like to pass
my classes, thanks."
"You wound me, man. Fine, if I lose the bet, I'll do you three big
favors. Any three favors."
"You'll get Relena to stop stalking me?"
The look on Duo's face is something like swallowing a maggot after
it's burrowed through a pile of dog shit. "Alright, you drive a
hard bargain, but even that. What have you got to lose, Heero?
Really, all I ask is three dates. Just three."
Heero knows deep down that he'll give in because Duo is
frighteningly stubborn when he gets notions in his head. But at
least, he consoles himself, Relena will be a thing of the past after
Duo finds that there really are limits to his cunning. "Fine.
Three dates. And you've got two weeks."
"Two weeks? Are you shitting me? A month, at least; it takes time
to find love, you know," Duo wheedles.
"How about three, okay? We'll compromise. Gimme three weeks." The
amusement in Heero's eyes only grows; it now covers almost two
percent of his face. But there is also Heero's famous obstinacy,
and Duo decides that already winning one battle pretty much maxed
out his Heero credit for the day. "Fine, I give up. Two weeks it
is. But you remember this hard bargain when you're enjoying
unconditional companionship and fabulous sex."
"Hn," Heero replies, still distracted by ways to wrestle the remote
away from Duo.
"So... where to start? Hmm... How about you tell what you're looking
"The remote. It's in your pocket."
Duo rolls his eyes heavenward. "No, you dumb-dumb. What kind of
person are you looking for? What do you like?" Heero just
shrugs. "Okay, pulling teeth it is. Question one: Girls or
boys?" The silence balloons and Heero's answer is a flush. "Come
on, Heero. It's not that hard of a question. You like cocks or
tits? Or both. I can't help you if you don't tell me."
The silence is almost strained before Heero replies, under his
breath, face aglow. "... Men... "
Duo just laughs. "Ha, I thought so. You're always glaring at girls
when they flirt with you." The good natured teasing just makes
Heero tenser, which Duo belatedly notices. "Hey, come on, it's not
such a big deal, Heero. It's okay to be gay. Hey I'm fond of cocks
too. Well, tits too, but same difference right?" Duo lays a
companionable arm across Heero's rigid shoulders and leans
conspiratorially close. "So, tell me all about your perfect guy.
Blond, brunette, blue raspberry?"
"I don't know," Heero shrugs.
"Alright. Well, tall or short?" Silence. "Fine, let's try
personality. Serious or wild? Quiet or loud?" Again,
silence. "No preference, huh? You're not making this easy, man,
"Hn." Heero is almost smug about his unresponsiveness.
"Fine," Duo huffs, getting just a little bit annoyed. "I'll just
call up Quatre, and set up all three dates with him, shall I?" This
gets Heero to become much more serious, and a touch afraid. "We
both know how long he's been waiting to get his horny little hands
all over you." Heero pales even more and begins to fidget
uncomfortably in his seat. "So, you think you're ready to
cooperate, huh? We'll make this really simple - just tell me three
things you want. Personality traits, physical appearance, anything."
"I don't know," Heero says evasively, but stops short as he sees the
total lack of humor in Duo's face, and the looming prospect of
Quatre's hands. "I don't think about it much. Maybe serious, quiet...
"Just like you huh? Well," Duo amends as he sweeps up and down
Heero's characteristic Asian five-eight sitting form, "maybe
not `tall'. Anyway, it's at least a start. Just leave it up to me,
"Right," Heero says with neither confidence nor enthusiasm.
"Have some faith in me, man. Two weeks from now, you'll be too busy
making out and licking all sorts of ice cream toppings off of some
hot guy to be so cynical."
"Hn," Heero replies as he gets up to turn on the TV manually.