// When you make love, //
// Do you look in the mirror? //
Duo's fingers clenched tightly as he watched the massive pink limousine pull up to the school. Through the window of the dorm room he shared with his partner Heero, he grit his teeth at the sight of the familiar blonde head poking out from within the depths of the car. Again. She'd followed them AGAIN.
"Heero, your personal stalker's here again," he said shortly, letting the plain drapes he'd been holding back, fall free. Behind him, fingers typing away rapidly stilled suddenly.
"Relena?" Heero pushed off from the desk and stood up, joining his lover at the window. Duo felt a quick surge of jealousy well up and clamped down on it instantly. 'There was no need for it,' he told himself sternly. 'Just because her mere arrival can pry him away from his laptop when full nudity and seduction does nothing for me.'
Well, that wasn't entirely accurate, Duo amended with a faint blush. 'But still, Heero had waited until his report was finished before tackling me. He didn't rush away from it like he does for HER.'
His thoughts were disrupted as Heero turned away from the window and headed for the door.
"I'm going to see what she's doing here," Heero informed him briskly. "I'll be right back."
'You KNOW what she's doing here,' Duo wanted to cry out. 'It's the same reason she's always following you around like some deranged bloodhound.' But he bit his lip and said none of this, watching blankly as his silent lover slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.
// Who do you think of? //
// Does she look like me? //
Heero winced internally as he shut the door. He wasn't blind - he saw the hurt look on Duo's face as he left. He sighed. His lover was jealous of Relena even though there was no reason for it. He had to see Relena to get her to leave before she drew another crowd. Irritation welled up within him at the thought of having to change schools because she'd found them once again.
"How is she doing that anyway?" he muttered under his breath as he opened the front door of the dorm house. Relena's pink limo stood out instantly and he bit back the urge to cover his eyes. Relena spotted him immediately and came towards him eagerly.
"Heero!" she exclaimed with a wide smile, cornflower blue eyes lighting up at his arrival. She held a piece of paper in her hand but he ignored it as he trained intense eyes on her. " There you are!"
'Yes, here I am,' Heero sighed mentally. "Relena. " Curt as always. Maybe one day she'd get the hint. One could always hope.
// Do you tell lies? //
// And say that it's forever? //
Relena clasped her hands together, paper between them, and smiled happily at the dark-haired boy, drinking him in eagerly. He looked the same as he always did, her Perfect soldier, her boy from the sea. Her beloved.
"Heero," she said again, staring into his eyes. "Aren't you happy to see me?"
Heero fought off the urge to roll his eyes.
"Relena. What are you doing here?"
"No, no, NO!" Duo gnashed his teeth as he peered through the drapes. From his vantage point, he could just make out both of their faces, and he thanked every deity he'd ever heard of that Doc G had taught him to read lips. "The correct answer to her question is NO! *That* should be obvious to ANYone."
His hands gripped the window ledge so tightly his knuckles were turning white from the strain. He couldn't change the helpless feeling he got, the sensation of being sucker-punched each time he saw the two of them together. They looked so... right.
Duo sighed and let his hands fall to his sides, pins and needles prickling his fingers as the blood rushed back into the neglected extremities. There was no use in denying it - they were perfect together.
"She's the fuckin' Queen of the World," he muttered. "Beautiful, rich AND the right sex. How do I compete with that?"
'Maybe you don't,' a snide voice inside his head piped up suddenly. 'After all, outside of the bedroom, he barely acknowledges your existence.'
// Do you think twice? //
// Or just touch and see? //
(( FLASHBACK - 2 days ago ))
" Hee-chan!" Duo grinned as Heero and Trowa returned from their latest mission. Trowa nodded to the American briefly before bypassing him to catch a flying Arabian. Duo watched the two of them hug enviously, before turning to Heero who glared at him with his best Don't-Even-Think-About-It, glare o' doom.
(( END FLASHBACK ))
// Oh babe//
"You'd think around the guys at least, that he wouldn't mind just a hug," Duo muttered testily, squinting at the two talking figures. "I mean really - can't he at least pretend that he was happy to see me?"
Suddenly his eyes widened impossibly and his jaw dropped open as Relena squealed and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around Heero's frame.
"He's not hugging her back," Duo ground out as he watched Heero's arms rise up to encircle her awkwardly. "He's trying to keep his balance. That's all."
// When you are alone? //
// Do you let go? //
Heero sighed as he allowed Relena to hug him, telling himself that he couldn't really hit her off him since she was the Queen of the World after all.
'Besides,' he reflected sourly. 'How else did you expect her to react?' Telling Relena that he agreed to be her body guard at an upcoming function where she had to make a customary public appearance was a surefire way to get his circulation cut off.
// Are you wild 'n willing? //
// Or is it just for show? //
Were it not for the piece of paper she held in her hand from Dr. J telling him to treat it as a mission since keeping Relena alive meant hope for peace, he would have told the self-centered Queen where to take herself and that god-awful car of hers. As it was, he chalked it up as an incident to add to his ever-growing list of things to kill Dr. J for. He pried her hands off him, feeling a twinge of guilt for having let her hang off him for so long. Someone might get the wrong impres-- Oh shit.
Heero turned his head up sharply - and encountered a pair of icy, violet eyes.
//I don't want to touch you too much baby //
// 'Cause making love to you might drive me crazy //
Heero's gaze never wavered as he turned back to Relena, cursing the girl for showing up when she did. Duo had been acting quiet all day, and even before then, had been more reserved then normal. This was not going to help matters.
// I know you think that love is the way to make it//
// So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it //
'No matter,' he decided. 'Duo knows the mission comes first. He'll understand.'
// Love bites //
Anger slowly seeped out of Duo, leaving behind only raw, unconcealed hurt. He could feel the sensation of tears prickling behind his eyes, but years of keeping them at bay prevented the from escaping.
'Turning away doesn't mean anything,' he told himself desperately. ' Nothing at all.'
'Even though he'd have knocked you out by now,' came that mocking voice again. Duo blanched and once again let the drapes fall shut.
It didn't help that he was already confused - that he didn't really didn't have any idea of how permanent things were between him and Heero. his partner, usually tight-lipped, was adamantly rigid about not saying anything about their relationship. If one could call it that. Duo didn't want a huge declaration of love, but he desperately craved a hint of something. An open gesture of affection once in a while would make his day.
'Like what he's giving Relena?'
// Love bleeds //
Heero came back upstairs, resigned to hearing a first-class rant from Duo about the abrupt embrace he'd witnessed. He opened the door and mentally braced himself. When nothing erupted, he cautiously opened his eyes and saw Duo sitting cross-legged on the bed, flipping through an old wrestling magazine.
'Hn. Maybe he understands more then I thought.' With that approving thought, he made his way back towards his laptop.
// It's braving the jungle heat //
Duo turned another page as Heero entered the room.
'Please talk to me,' he willed his lover. 'Just explain. I wouldn't care so much if you'd just talk to ME for once!'
His heart sank as once again, Heero bypassed him for the computer
// Love bleeds//
// Love dies//
Duo watched with hooded eyes as Heero quickly typed something, mumbling what Duo was sure was 'Mission Accepted' even though the tone was too soft to hear. He kept his eyes glued to the magazine as Heero then stood and crossed the room to the large closet, pulling out his duffle bag. Duo felt Heero's eyes on him and forced himself to remain unmoving save for the rhythmic turning of the pages.
'Say something! Anything!'
"Duo, " Heero began, almost hesitantly. "I'm leaving."
// It's no surprise //
"Figured as much," Duo replied neutrally. He turned yet another page. "Say hi to Relena for me.
// Love bites //
Heero froze when he heard the cool tone of voice coming from his lover, in place of the warm silky tones that always made him feel welcome and safe.
"It's not like that," he said at last, pausing in his search for his dressy clothing. He placed some more clothes in the duffle bag, before reaching in and pulling out his tuxedo, still in the plastic covering the dry cleaners put it in for protection. "She needs a body guard."
"I'm sure that's the idea," Duo said dryly, picturing an image of Relena trying to seduce him into an intense body cavity search. He fought back the urge to retch.
// Love bleeds //
Heero turned around, suddenly sick of being doubted. He had told Duo numerous times that Relena meant nothing to him. Why couldn't the baka just accept that?
Duo met his eyes evenly, and Heero stepped back slightly from the pure misery, anguish and loss in his eyes. Heero had the vague idea that he had overstepped some kind of invisible line. He wondered if it was too late to retract the little comment and saw the fire spring into Duo's eyes. Yes. He was dead.
"Fuck yes," Duo choked out before throwing the magazine hard against the wall. Anguish suddenly disappeared, to be replaced with anger. If Heero wanted to play his little silence games, that was fine. But if he wanted to play with fire, then damn it, Shinigami would show him who was gonna end up burned. "Jealous 'cause Relena gets everything in the whole world her little spoiled heart desires. Jealous because she's never had to go through HALF the stuff I have. But that's not what I'm jealous of now, Heero. I can ignore that - luck strikes differently. It's not her fault my life was so shitty."
"I'm jealous because once, JUST once, I have something that means more to me then anything else in the whole world!" He viciously scrubbed his wrist across his eyes, mopping away tears that refused to fall. "And she gets to have that too."
"She doesn't have me Duo," Heero said calmly. Duo laughed - short, hard, brittle.
// It's what I need //
"Yes she does Heero," Duo chuckled harshly. "You just don't know it. I do though - I never had you, after all."
"What are you talking about Duo?" Heero was getting frustrated. The situation was escalating rapidly out of control, and he didn't have a clue as to what Duo was so upset about, besides the obvious. "You KNOW I have to accept my mission!"
// When I'm with you? //
// Are you somewhere else? //
"I know you do Heero," Duo said quietly, all of his anger spent. His muscles felt limp, drained. "I just wish I meant even a fragment of how much the mission means to you." His shoulders slumped and his head dropped, long wisps of hair covering his eyes from view. "Or of how much you mean to me."
// Am I getting through? //
// Or do you please yourself? //
"You think I don't care about you?" Heero asked, struggling to comprehend. "Is that it?"
Duo shrugged, sick of arguing and suddenly not caring. "What I think doesn't matter," he said at last. He waved his hand feebly at the duffel bag at Heero's feet. "Shouldn't you be packing?"
Heero started and looked down. It was nearly full. "I'm done." He stood up slowly, watching his partner. "I'm sorry you think that way, Duo." He looked at the door. "I have to go," he said, wishing that Duo would look up. But Duo resolutely kept his face turned to the floor. "But we WILL be discussing this when I get back after the party tomorrow night."
// When you wake up? //
// Will you walk out? //
With that, he turned and walked out the door. As the door slowly shut, Duo imagined that he could feel his already fragile heart crystalizing slowly, numbing his senses, before shattering into a thousand multi-colored fragments.
// It can't be love //
// If it don't survive //
Duo nodded once at the door.
// I don't want to touch you too much baby //
// 'Cause loving you might drive me crazy //
Heero stumbled slightly as he opened the door to his and Duo's room. He was tired, miserable and completely sick of dignitaries and politicians. From now on, he was refusing any mission that requested 'black tie.' Between dodging Relena's completely obvious advances, and worrying about his long-haired lover, Heero had never been more glad then when the clock had struck the hour signaling the end of the party. Eager to get away from the clinging princess, he had declined her offer of a ride back to the school, and had hijacked a vehicle of his own, dumping outside of town before walking the rest of the way home. But tired as he was, he knew there was no sleep to be had yet - he still had to face the wrath of Duo. He flicked on the side table lamp, looking across the room to the bed he and Duo shared.
It was empty. A piece of paper rested on the pillow and a numb Heero made his way over to it slowly. It hadn't quite sunk in yet that Duo wasn't just down the hallway in the communal bathroom, getting ready for bed, late as it was. Hands that were mysteriously shaking reached out and picked up the paper carefully.
// Love bites //
// Love bleeds //
I think we need to spend some time apart. I realize emotions aren't the easiest thing in the world for you to express - I understand that and don't blame you for it.
But you still hurt me last night. No kicks or blows, but you still managed to sucker-punch me anyway. You need to decide what it is you really want. I love you, but I refuse to be in a relationship strictly for casual sex. And as much as you deny it, there is something pulling you to Relena, something that keeps you from denying her anything. I'm not mad at you about this Heero - I just wish you'd talk to me.
Anyway, take your time - figure out what it is you want. I need to think some stuff through too - the stress of worrying over you when you're on missions, combined with the stress of wondering whether or not I mean anything to you is eating me up inside. I can't live like this anymore - I need someone willing to meet me halfway. I can't do it alone.
Take care, okay? Love you.
Heero carefully folded the paper and set it down. Something wet touched his face and he raised one trembling hand slowly, touching his cheek with a faint hint of surprise.
Tears. He was crying.
// It's what I need //