Wash My Hair
Chapter Seven: I'm a Living, Breathing Girl-Cootie Word
So much for impressing Heero with my prowess. I went from limp to erection to ejaculation and back to limp all in about sixty seconds. Hell, it takes me more time to unzip and tinkle, even outside on a cold day. God, not only was I a slob loser, but I was a slob loser with a little dick and no stamina. A premature ejaculator. I was sexually dysfunctional and I haven't even had sex yet! How much a loser can one man be? I'm a virgin with premature ejaculation syndrome and a tiny winky. It's not like I'm even a virgin by choice either. I was fifteen when I met the man of my dreams, the love of my life and all that. It's not like I was physiologically inclined toward sex before I met up with the Sweepers and once I did, daily visits with G and his schnozz were enough to completely ruin the post-puberty idyll of wet dreams, masturbation, and illicit porno mags let alone finding someone around that was young enough to play Little Duo and His First Proctological Exam with--hey, when you're 14, anyone over the age of 16 is ancient. After I met up with Heero, I got a little bit interested--I don't care if Hilde does say completely obsessed in ways that make Relena Peacecraft look mentally balanced--and I've been trying to get over him ever since. I mean, who in the hell am I gonna find that can hold their own against Heero Yuy? Can we say no one? Thought so. God, that's even more pathetic. I'm a slob loser with a little dick and premature ejaculation disorder and a virgin because I'm obsessed with a guy I can't have. And the guy that I'm obsessed with that I can't have just gave me the world's shortest blow job. And why was it the world's shortest blow job? Because I saw his mouth connected to my dick and I came. Badda boom, badda bing. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 creds.
Embarrassment, thy name is Duo "Heero Obsessed Slob Loser Virgin with Little Dick and Sexual Dysfunction" Maxwell.
At least I'm cute.
I curled up with my face in my knees and whimpered. What a resume for the God of Death. A cute slob loser virgin with a little dick and premature ejaculation issues obsessed with his boyhood crush. Can you see why they're beating my door down? My only redeeming virtue is a girl-cootie word.
To be perfectly fair, though, my penis has served me well all of these years. It's always been there for me. I've never had jock itch, or the burning when you pee sensation some of the Sweepers had pretty much after every port of call. It's been my little buddy and a source of both stress relief and entertainment for years. It's been a real pal and never driven me crazy enough to stick it places that sane men fear to thrust--like in Dorothy Catalonia or in Quatre "I'm going Zero; you won't like me when I'm Zero" Winner's bang-sporting dream boy. Through thick and thin, it's been there for me, always. My little guy has never let me down.
Spreading my legs a bit, I leaned my cheek on my knee, sniffled, and patted my little buddy. "I don't care that you're little or that you've got a hair trigger. You're my Little Scythe and you're good enough for me." I pulled my fingers away and wrinkled my nose. "And you're sticky."
An amused exhale had me looking up past my sticky fingers. I wanted to crawl under the couch and never come out. Ever. Heero was standing over me, a plate in his hands, and smiling that awww isn't he just the cutest thing? kind of a smirk. See why Embarrassment is my middle name? I should put in a requisition to have my way cool Preventer code name changed to Agent Embarrassment. No, can't do that. Wufei would like it too much. He already carries on about how I'm an embarrassment to our fine agency and his perfect record. He gets pretty pissed when I tell him that I don't consider breaking his new partner every other week losing streak a perfect record.
I tried to grin disarmingly, but I doubt Heero was disarmed because I couldn't get my face out from behind my hands, one of which was kinda sticky. "You, uh, been there long?"
"Our Scythe is good enough for me, too."
His hand slipped over the sticky spot in my pjs and squeezed. My dick perked right up to say howdy. "It's the perfect size." He grinned ferally and crawled into my lap again, pushing my knees apart to make room for himself. "It will fit down my throat and it'll rub me inside in exactly the right spot."
Color me stupid, but it took me a few minutes to segue from down my throat--down boy--to rubbing me inside. And don't think that my platoon of brain cells didn't duck and cover while my cerebral cortex pressed the self-destruct button when I finally figured out what he meant, complete with mental image and an insta-gro erection. And all I could think was oh, yes please!
"Have faith in our Scythe." He was smirking, I could just hear it in his voice. "You always rise to the occasion, Master."
I groaned into my palms and squeezed my eyes shut. "Quit calling me that."
He pried my hands from my face and pressed his forehead to mine. "You are my Master," he said, then licked my nose. I scrunched it up and tried to glare at him. He smirked.
"Heero--oooh." How in the hell was I supposed to carry on an intelligent, well, at least a semi-articulate conversation with actual words in decipherable human language when his lips and teeth and oh my God even his tongue were sliding along my cheek and jaw with a quick stop off at my ear?
Heero was licking me. Oh my God. Heero Yuy was licking me. And he was in my lap licking me!
Something cool rubbed along my lower lip, slipping back and forth. He sucked on my earlobe for a moment. "Open your mouth, Master." I shivered and my eyes drifted shut, couldn't help it. His breath was so hot and so close to my skin. And his voice. Oh dear God his voice. You know that instant right before you prematurely ejaculate and prove beyond all doubt that you're a washout as a stud? That instant when your whole being is making a vigorous solar flare look like an ice cube and everything is singing so loud in perfect harmony with the universe that your brain seizes up and you're too deep in sheer pleasure to remember that you're a sexually dysfunctional twit? Yeah, that moment. That exact instant is what Heero's voice is. It's the verge of orgasm. It's the promise of ultimate pleasure. It's fucking sex translated by vocal chords. "Open up, my Master."
My lips opened and his fingers slipped inside with something that tasted like Heero and tart and sweet. His fingers slid back out of my mouth to trace my lip, warm and wet. "Eat, my Master," he murmured, then licked the flesh beneath my ear. Trying not to moan, I bit down. A grape. There was a grape in my mouth. I'm relatively certain that I didn't own any grapes. He nibbled along my jaw. I moaned anyway and swallowed the thing in my mouth. Screw owning grapes. For a few moments at least, I owned Heero's lips on my throat and Heero's breath on my skin and Heero's body between my legs. Oh dear God. Heero was between my legs. I about ejaculated before I had a chance to prematurely ejaculate.
His tongue traced the crease in my lips and I could feel the heat of his breath against my mouth before his tongue slipped inside. He teased the roof of my mouth, wallowed with my tongue, and lapped at my teeth before withdrawing. I wanted to chase him back into his own mouth, but he sucked my bottom lip between his teeth and nibbled delicately. He let go, nuzzling at my throat with a rumbling purr of satisfaction.
Something cool and wet touched my lips, running over them both. I opened my mouth and tasted melon. Instead of his finger, his lips were there and his tongue pressed it inside. He licked and nipped at my lips while my melting brain tried to decide what to do with the lump of quasi-mushy stuff in my mouth.
"Eat, Master," he ordered, then tugged at my ear with his lips. Eat? I could barely breathe. Hesitantly, I worked my jaws and felt another satisfied purr rumble against my skin. "Good Master." His tongue rolled over my jugular, where my pulse was trying to jackhammer its way into the world, and over my chin while I swallowed. "Good Master," he said again, then slid his tongue back into my mouth. "Mmm," he growled before withdrawing. My tongue chased his, slipping between his lips. He sucked on it for a moment, then dragged his teeth over the rim of jaw. I groaned, low and long.
I had to be dreaming an incredibly realistic, utterly erotic dream that my pitiful little melting brain had never before imagined in my lifetime. I was with my Dream Sex Kitten Heero--note to self: have a word with Dream Sex Kitten Heero about feeding me fruit instead of chocolate, I don't like fruit--and the real Heero was probably off trying to hack into Preventers or my lips or oh my God he was sucking on me.
The citric scent of orange curled with the deep musk of Heero and then the wet edge of fruit touched my lips. I opened immediately, wrapping my tongue around his fingers and pulling him inside. I held him with my teeth just so I could suck on him. Even if I did have to put up with the orange thingy. He moaned against my neck, right below my ear and I shivered. I have never heard anything as sexy as that moan in my entire life. It was like napalm orgasm all over. I tried to turn my head to kiss him--I needed to stick my tongue in his mouth pretty much like I needed to breathe and pay taxes--but he held my chin and didn't let me move. "Eat, Master," he said, then let go. I whined in my throat and got rid of the orange bit in two chomps. His lips came back to mine and his tongue came back into my mouth. I groaned into him. God, Heero.
I caught the scent of pineapple before it touched my lower lip. I opened my mouth immediately for him, but he pulled it away this time. I opened my eyes, and then shut them when he licked me instead. His tongue backed off long enough to slide the pineapple along my lip again, then he sucked my lip into his mouth. By the time he let my lip slip from him to feed me the pineapple bit, it would have been accurate to say that the only part of my body capable of thought was between my legs and the only thing it was thinking was I wanna be inside of you.
Another Heero flavored pineapple bit touched my lips, sharing space and citric juice with his tongue. We both moaned when mine touched his.
"God, Heero." I pulled the pineapple into my mouth just so I could suck on his fingers. I could feel the heavy hitch of his breathing and fine quiver in his muscles. I could smell the deeper scents of musk and arousal under the thick citrus. "You're so, so good."
"It's my pleasure, Master," he all but purred, then sank his tongue back in my mouth.
I have no shame. Taking immediately and absolute advantage of this turn of events, I sucked on his tongue. I, Duo "the loser virgin" Maxwell, was sucking on Heero "the hottest stud in the universe" Yuy's tongue. That thought started pulling Lil' Scythe's hair trigger. Again.
Shifting his weight, he straddled my lap completely. The chair squeaked and groaned and everything seemed to be rocking, the floor, the walls, me, Heero. The rocking was doing absolute wonders for body friction. All of the erectile tissue I personally possessed on my body was as perky as it gets and straining to touch Heero. And can you blame me? My God, this is Heero we're talking about here. Heero with his tongue in my mouth, his chest rubbing mine, his body on top of me. He groaned suddenly, his held tilting more and his mouth opening all the way. It was like he was trying to climb inside of me and I really liked that thought. Heero moaned again, vibrating along the length of my--God, Heero was ringing my bells. He grunted, just like he used to when I wouldn't follow the "shut up Duo" directive back in the war, and his tongue slid out of my mouth. Oh hell no. I may be a loser slob virgin with the staying power of a gnat, but he gave me that tongue and I was keeping it, dammit! My tongue chased his right back into the hot, wet--oh my he was hot and wet inside. And tasty. Like chocolate and spice and--
I blinked, bringing a set of seriously frustrated looking eyes into focus.
Someone started pounding on the door. "Duo Maxwell! I know you're in there!"
Heero's eyes closed and he sighed mournfully. "Relena."
The pounding didn't stop. "Duo Maxwell! Open up or I'll get the superintendent to do it for you!" Shit. With that shrieking, my neighbors were gonna kill me.
"Hi!" I yelled. "You've reached the residence of Duo Maxwell and he can't come to the door right now. Please leave a message after the beep and he'll get back to you sometime next week or millennium, whichever comes later! Beep!"
Heero snorted, then started choking.
"Heero? Is that you? Are you in there?" The doorknob started rattling. "I'm getting the superintendant right this instant!"
"You can't do that! You ever hear of trespassing laws? That's a fine how do you do, the friggin pacifist Queen of the Universe and Beyond is nothing but a common law-breaker! For shame, Miss Relena, what will your public think?"
"They'll think I'm reuniting with my missing fiance, that's what they'll think!"
"Ha! I'm calling the National Tattler! I can see the headlines now. Relena Peacecraft, Queen of the World by day, B & E specialist by night!"
"That's not funny!"
I grinned. "Hey, are you any good? I never got into burglary before I got picked up by Doctor Frankenschnozz, but I got some mad skills, baby! We can maybe team up and knock over your friends places! We can be the modern day Bonnie and Clyde, though you'll have to be Clyde because you just can't call someone as hunky as me Clyde!"
"I am not a thief!" She bellowed, pounding on the door.
"Now, now, Relena, you know that the first step in overcoming your kleptomania is to admit you have a problem! That twelve step program you've enrolled in will never do you any good if you're still in denial! You know how we all love and admire your courage and determination in getting past your larceny habit!"
"Aargh! I do not have a larceny habit!"
"So you don't do B & E?"
"No! I am not like you!"
I grinned. "That's great to hear, ojousan! G'night!"
"You, open this door!"
"M-minister P-peacecraft, I, um, don't know--" Great. The super.
"Open the door!" Holy shit Relena had a set of pipes on her.
"I bet she could out howl a couple of Verniers," I grumbled. Heero ducked his face into the juncture of my neck and shoulder. His whole body was vibrating. "Heero?"
"Verniers," he snorted, then muffled a high-pitched laugh in my skin. Heero? Giggling? Holy shit. Old Man Splitfoot better put on his ear muffs and leg warmers.
I prodded him on the thigh, at least I think it was a thigh. Anyway, I poked him. "Aren't you going to hide or something?"
"Now!" Relena yelled.
The bolts shot open, one at a time, and then the knob twisted, and then the door exploded open followed immediately by frothy pink. Well, it was a conservatively tailored business suit, but it was frothy pink in color if that makes any difference. Her eyes landed on us immediately. "Heero!"
"Hello, Relena," he said, twisting his face in her direction but pressing his cheek tightly to my shoulder.
"You, you, what?" She was all sheet white now, kind of like Quat was the one time he had pneumonia.
"Wh-what are you doing?"
"I'm feeding Duo," he said, then kissed my shoulder.
Relena looked like she was gonna hit the deck. That might be kinda cool to see. Would she do that movie like crumpling slowly thing to land on her back or would she just flop face first? "Feeding Duo. In his lap."
"He won't eat properly on his own."
I wrinkled my nose. "I will so."
"When was the last time you ate a fruit or a vegetable?"
"I had some sour gummi fruit this morning. A whole bag of it."
He smirked. "I rest my case."
Relena crept around the couch, feeling her way slowly to a cushion where she kinda flopped like a rag doll. "And you have to sit in his lap to feed him."
"It keeps him suitably distracted from the fact that he's eating healthy."
"I noticed that you were sticking fruit in my mouth." I glared at the wall off to the right so I didn't have to see either of them. I should have known. The kissing and touching was only about tricking me into eating nasty good for you stuff. Stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but lets face facts here. This is Heero Yuy. The Heero Yuy. I glared at him, a full on Glare O' Doom ala Yuy. "You could have just asked. You didn't have to kiss me to make me eat that stuff."
He smirked down at me, looking amused as all hell. "I like kissing you."
"Kissing? Him?" Relena was whining. Again.
Heero's smirk shifted into that evil aww, isn't he adorable smirk of his. Dammit, my bottom lip must be sticking out again. I'm a living, breathing girl-cootie word. Argh! "I feel so used."
"You feel so good."
"Heero?" Relena said faintly. "After I proposed to you and you said you were gay, you didn't mean that you were happy, did you?"
"You meant that you were," she twisted her fingers together and dropped her voice to a whisper, "homosexual."
Heero put his see, I do so look just like my gundam face on and grunted. Oh yeah, he has wicked conversational skills going on here.
I rolled my eyes. "Jeez Louise, Lena-babe. No one is stupid enough to think that gay means happy anymore. When a man says he's gay, it means he's all about the purple banana."
"Purple banana?" Relena said.
Heero just shook his head.
"Purple banana?" Her face was getting all blotchy. Should I point out that it clashed with her pink outfit? "Maybe in the gutter where you come from, Maxwell, the word gay instantly implies something sexual and filthy. Where I come from, perhaps you've heard of it, we call it civilization, gay usually refers to feeling happy."
I shrugged philosophically. "So you're sheltered and out of touch with reality. Not my fault so don't yell at me for it."
"Master, quit picking fights with Relena," Heero whispered in my ear. Even though it didn't really feel like a whisper, more like a sotto voce command. Kind of like shut up, Duo, don't fuck up my mission, Duo, eat your vegetables or omae or korosu, Duo.
"Hey, she picked a fight with me!"
"Heero, are you certain you're, well, gay?"
He frowned at me. "Yes, Relena." I frowned back at him. He smirked and whispered, "You're cute when you sulk, Master."
"I'm not cute!" I wasn't yelling. Not even a little bit.
Relena glowered at me, then turned a concerned yet loving face to Heero. "How can you be certain? Have you dated girls?"
Well, now, actually that was a good question. Much as I love, adore, and pretty much worship the spandex he walks around in, Heero doesn't exactly have all of his personal interaction pepperoni on his pizza. You know he didn't even laugh once at the interrupting cow knock knock joke? And he patiently explained that hair pigmentation had nothing to do with a person's intellectual capacity after I told him a bunch of blonde jokes? Hell, Quatre thought they were funny. Especially the one about blondes learning to ride horses. Zechs didn't, but I've got photographic evidence that he's a natural blonde so maybe Quat bleaches. His is Arabian, you know. They don't exactly come with optional blonde exterior trim. "How can a man be certain of his sexual preference if he doesn't get blonde jokes?"
Heero was giving me his patented don't be more of a baka than you can help, baka glare. "It wasn't that difficult to figure out, Duo. I think of you in the shower, I get an erection. I think of a naked female, I don't. Think of it as a personal preference barometer."
"Blonde jokes?" Relena had this little whiny tone that kind of made me think she couldn't tell if she should be confused or pissed off. Excuse me, put out. Queens of Everything don't do pissy.
I ignored her and tried not pout up at Heero because I wanted to be manly, not all girl-cootie. "You mean I wasted all those years of puberty angsting over my sexual preference when all I had to do was check in with the boner barometer?"
He shrugged. "You're either attracted to men or you're not."
"Well, I was hanging out with Professor Proboscis and Howard the Hawaiian duck during puberty. I actually saw G out of his labcoat once. That kind of thing has a way of ruining you for sex with guys."
Heero looked a little bit disturbed by this.
"Hey, then I saw you in the shower and I was cured. Honest!"
Relena must have managed to get control of herself. The neon blush was starting to fade, at least. "Why didn't you tell me, Heero? I feel like such a fool."
"It wasn't relevant."
She turned red again. "Wasn't relevant? Wasn't relevant? How can you say that?!"
She leaped to her feet. "I've been chasing you for years, you idiot! All you had to do was tell me that you preferred the intimate company of men and I wouldn't have become such a laughingstock!"
Heero blinked. "Laughingstock?"
She waved her arms around. "Yes, a laughingstock!"
Heero gave me his confused glare, the one where instant death was promised if he wasn't unconfused immediately, if not sooner.
I glared back. How in the hell was I supposed to explain what laughingstock was without having Princess Pretty in Pink take my head off with her pink fingernails? "Do I look like a dictionary?"
Relena saved my bacon. "Am I the only one who wasn't in on your little secret? I'm sure that you and Duo have had yourselves a fine time laughing at me behind my back all these years. How could you? I tried to give you my heart!" Aw fuck. She was tearing up. Any second now and, yup, there it goes. Tears, sniffles, and delicate passes over her cheeks with the back of her hand.
Heero opened his mouth. I could tell, from the panicked glare on his face, that he was gonna stick both his feet and probably mine in there.
"Lena babe, Heero didn't tell anyone. I didn't know until yesterday. I never laughed at you over your love for Heero. It just shows that you have good taste." Okay, I probably would have laughed if I knew he was gay way back when, but I'd been too busy hating her guts for being lucky enough to be Heero's One True Love. I was fifteen, okay? So what if bought into the whole Princess Pink and her Fallen Hero fairy tale. Angsting over my unrequited love for the Queen of the World's Knight in Shining Armor gave me something to do when I wasn't sticking my thermal scythe up some mobile suit's ass or figuring out new and creative ways to get out of homework, especially after Heero nixed my Deathscythe ate my homework and is gonna stomp on your car excuse. You know he actually threatened to tie me, butt nekkid, to the girls showers by my hair if I used it? With a girlie double butterfly knot, to boot. Heero was straight evil back then and I ain't lying.
Relena was glaring at me. Apparently my trying to comfort her was worse than Heero telling her to shove it up her ass sideways in his oh so sensitive ways. "You found out he was a part of the alternative community yesterday and you have him feeding you pineapple today. Your sterling morality is a beacon for us all." How in the fuck can she make something that I thought was so wonderful sound so sordid and rent a cheap hotel room by the hour without breaking out of the perfect debutante vernacular? And just when I was feeling an affinity for her circumstances, too.
"I'm not a slut!"
She quirked an eyebrow in patented disbelief.
"I'm not! I've never even had sex befor--shit." Way to 'fess up to total loser status in front of the sex kitten of your dreams, Maxwell. You're so smooth. You're so suave. The only thing worse would be to clue him in on the obsession part, too.
Heero put his fingers on my chin and twisted my face so he could look me in the eyes. "Really?"
I blushed nineteen shades of bright red that would have put Psycho Doro's Dominatrix Crimson manicure to shame. How do you explain to the man of your dreams that you're still a loser virgin because you'd rather be dating him torridly in your fantasy life than out with real people? "Um, yeah."
Next thing I know, Heero's getting wild all over me, kind of like Dream Sex Kitten Heero did in my dream last night when I told him that I preferred dry humping him to being with anyone else. His hands were everywhere and his tongue couldn't decide between my mouth, my throat, and around my ears. In between licks and sucks and sanity-stealing kisses, he was saying words like "my Master", "my Duo", "can't believe", "beautiful", and "mine all mine". I couldn't string them together to form any sort of coherent whole because, quite frankly, I was so far gone I was wondering who in the hell this Duo character was and why Heero had to be saying his name when he could be kissing me instead.
"Heero!" Relena's shriek could shatter glass, ear drums, and even the most combustible ardor. Heero turned a glare on her, but didn't let go of me. "I'm having a party at my country estate near Brussels this weekend. I would like for you to attend. Even if we can't be," she took a deep breath and then let it out, "even though you are the way the way are, I would still like to be," she took another breath, "your friend. The party. Please come. By all means bring your pet idiot, I mean, the invitation extends to Duo as well, of course, since he's your, your, well. I would like to--I have to go."
Heero heaved a completely silent sigh. "Relena."
She paused on the way to the door, but didn't turn to face us. Her shoulders tensed. "Yes, Heero?"
"I'll be there."
She turned and smiled for a moment. "I'll see you then. Send me an email and I'll send you the details, okay?"
He nodded once.
The door shut quietly behind her. Heero twitched in my lap for as long as he could hold out, then charged over to lock the door. I wouldn't call that paranoid. What if Mrs. Clovis really gets into the idea of having him check her pipes? The old bat is nutso.
"Heero, do we really have to go to Princess Pinkie's stupid party?"
"You're cute when you whine, Master," he said, dropping back into my lap. "Relena is my friend."
My bottom lip was out and damned proud of it and there wasn't anything I could do to get back in without biting it with my teeth which really wasn't that much better when you think about it. "She's not my friend. She hates me."
"You're my Master," he said, pausing to lick my bottom lip. "She'll get over it."
Right. And Wufei will wear stiletto heels with his uniform and start talking with a limp-wristed lisp, too. "Fine, I'll go. But I'm eating off your plate 'cause you just know she's planning on poisoning me."
He smirked. "Then you'll get plenty of vegetables."
"Yuck! Heero, vegetables are gross! Do I look like a rabbit to you?"
"Yes. Your nose is all wrinkled up and twitching." He licked my nose. "You're my Master-Bunny."
"Bunny! The God of Death is not a bunny! Bunnies are girlie!"
"My Master Shi no Bunny. You bounce, too." He licked my nose again. "Why haven't you had sex? Someone as beautiful as you must have had offers."
Okay, this was way more embarrassing than that stupid girl-cootie bunny thing. "Ahh, well, yeah, I've had offers. I just didn't take 'em up."
"Didn't want to."
"Gah! Heero. It's not a big deal or anything."
"I could always call you Master Shinibunny where Wufei can hear it."
Oooh, now that's dirty pool. "You're a bastard."
He all but grinned at me, smug bastard.
Well, I certainly couldn't tell him the whole truth, now could I? Gee, Heero, I'm a virgin because I couldn't get over my sick obsession with you. Well, as long as I didn't use the word obsession or name names. "Well, Howard decided that he was the only parent I was ever likely to get so he took it upon himself to tell me all about sex." I shrank down on myself a little bit. God, this was embarrassing as hell. "I don't really remember it 'cause he was talking about girls and he wasn't really talking clearly 'cause he was pretty embarrassed and I didn't pay much attention. I do remember that he said that sex without love made you feel empty when it was done, that you might as well just go polish your own poop deck." I shrugged. "I was fifteen and had most of my hormones doing the thinking for me, what the hell did I care? I could have had a meaningful relationship with a hole in the fence."
"I see." Aw hell, not the you just kicked my puppy face. God, Heero, that's not fair!
I scrunched my eyes up so I didn't have to see him and I was pretty sure that I was glowing red enough to light up half the city. "And, ah, he was kinda right. I think. I, uh, kinda dated this guy on L2 for a while and we got into to some, you know, heavy making out stuff and it felt really good and stuff but he didn't smell right. You know? He smelled like rust and old motor oil not like, ah, it just didn't work, you know? I couldn't really get into 'cause it was kinda like jackin' off. It's like I had to pretend he was someone else and after that I never dated serious. It wasn't worth it and I had...." My Dream Sex Kitten Heero. And what kind of loser would I be if I admitted that I'd rather have a fantasy of him to anything in real life? Can you say complete loser on par with Romafellar? Yeah, thought so.
"You had what?"
I shrugged and waved my fingers dismissively. "You know."
"No, I don't. Tell me, Master."
"I had, ah, stuff. You know. Um. Stuff."
Argh! "Enough with the you just kicked my puppy face! That's not fair! You're cheating!"
He had the unmitigated gall to look amused. "You've been using your adorable Shinibunny face against me for the last fifteen minutes."
I slapped my hands over my face. "I can't believe that you, Mr. Omae o Korosu himself, is calling me, the God of Death, Shinibunny. That's just wrong on so many levels."
"You're an adorable God of Death." He pulled my hands off of my face. "What did you have?"
I glared at him. He gave me his aren't you just cute as hell smirk. I glared harder. He kissed the end of my nose. If I glared any harder, my eyebrows would be hanging out by my nostrils. "I told you."
"It works better if you don't say please in the same tone of voice that you threaten to kill people with."
He added a you better do it or you'll be one dead lil' adorable Shinibunny glare to his repertoire.
"Why in the heck do you want to know so bad anyway? It's not important."
"Yes, it is."
"It is to me."
"Please tell me."
I wrapped my fingers around my braid and glared at the couch. "It's embarrassing as hell."
I grabbed my braid in my fists, a good foot between them, and covered my eyes with my hair so I didn't have to look. The pressure against my eyes, pulling against my temples, felt really good all things considered. "I didn't want to go on any real dates because I had my Dream Sex Kitten."
He tugged the braid down my nose a little. "Me."
I turned red. "Yeah."
I yanked the braid back up over my eyes. "I dunno if anyone ever told you, but you have the sexiest ass this side of the asteroid belt."
His hands suddenly landed in our laps. "So I'm just a sexy ass." Now he even sounded like a kicked puppy. Well, a kicked puppy armed with a beam cannon and assorted depleted uranium weaponry.
I dropped my hair. "No!"
I stared into his eyes, those blue, blue eyes that reflected exactly what I felt. You know, that feeling of sheer terror you get right before you press your gundam's self-destruct button while you're sitting in your gundam. Or when you accidentally run into G before he's had his seven cups of coffee in the morning. Or when you're a couple of hours out from your public, televised execution. Only it's worse because it's like you're running as hard and as fast as can because you just know that if you don't get there, wherever there is, in time, that you'll be abandoned and alone forever. That your whole life will be empty and meaningless and you'll never know what it feels like to be wrapped up in your love's arms again. And you're standing on the precipice and you only got two ways down, jump or fall.
"Why?" His voice was low and urgent, like a gundam at maximum torque.
"I...." I swallowed nervously. Everything inside of me was shrieking like Relena and I couldn't even hear myself think. "Because I love you."