Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
by Muffie

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters or its quotations or plotlines. They belong to the Sotsu Agency who owns their trademark, Bandai who licenses their use, and, of course, the guy who created them. I am neither receiving payment for this work, nor do I intend to accept any. I am borrowing the characters. I have my doubts that they really resemble the characters from the anime anyway. At least they won't when I get through with them. Insert evil, maniacal laughter here. I don't own any of the quotations or paraphrasing from any of the following films, music, and/or books: "The Princess Bride", "Sleepless in Seattle", "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", "Barry Gordon's The Last Dragon", "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", "True Colors", "Shape of My Heart", "Breathe", "That's Amore.", "Robin Hood: Men in Tights", "Spaceballs", "Stayin' Alive", "Starsky & Hutch the Movie", "Ammo-Oracle.com", or "A Wild Hare.".

This disclaimer is in effect for the duration of the story and perhaps some of the other uber-embarrassing stuff on my hard-drive that shall never see the light of day. I steadfastly maintain that everyone possesses megabytes of this nature. Yeah, yeah, my Mary Sue can beat up your Mary Sue. Okay, okay, I admit it. I'm pathetic and I'm trying to feel less pathetic. You didn't need to laugh quite so hard. I wrote most of this whole thing by myself, and while I lay no claim to characters, I do claim the prose. Please do not take it without permission.

Warnings: I like to cuss, but the characters only do so when it has a purpose. I'm eventually giving this an NC-17 rating for sex and violence. If I have all of this properly planned out, someone is going to have to do a nude scene and it sure as hell ain't gonna be me. No, don't bother bribing me, either. This is a yaoi story. That means that male-male stuff is normal and male-female stuff is against everyone's religion (oh, how could they! hentai!) I would warn of Relena bashing, but since I pretty much bashed everyone, what's the point? I like third person limited, personally, but this one is all over the place. It starts with G and moves on from there. I love the smell of Entropy in the morning, it smells like... victory. Or maybe cheddar. Original characters do show up, but they are unimportant folks and will hardly be noticed if I can help it. So, if you see them, please don't feed them. They might multiply like the Shriekers did in Tremors 2. Burt Gummer is my hero. (Memo: Four pounds of C4 may be a bit.... excessive.) Of course, Duo probably wouldn't think so. I wonder if Duo would like Burt Gummer. Additionally, there's lots of spoilers for the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" in chapter Mystery Science Theater GW. Finally, my own personal quirk deserves a warning. I put no notes with chapters. I make a lot of references to things, but I don't footnote 'em. I've always thought of that along the lines of "if you have to explain the joke, it's just not that funny". Metaphor is my ambrosia.

Weapons: Okay, so far I've given. Heero a couple of Desert Eagle .50AEs, a Colt King Cobra .357 magnum, and a .44 magnum AutoMag (like they come any other way). He's buff, he should be able to handle the recoil. Not to mention that the .50AE has a few features and qualities that makes it one of the better automatic pistols for someone strong enough to actually shoot the thing and hit what he is aiming at, especially if--like Heero ought to--he loads his own rounds. Besides, these babies are sweet. Naturally, a good revolver is a total must. I thought about giving Heero a .50 Beowulf so that he doesn't have to carry so much ammo around, but really, you can't fit something that big comfortably in the small of your back, so I went with a tried and true .357. Yeah, yeah, I know, a .38 is usually a good size to carry when you're looking for compact, but this is fiction and something about Heero just screams magnum. I couldn't help it, I gave him the AutoMag as a spare just because it tickles my funny bone and I don't like the Model 29. Remember, safety rocks people; guns are not toys and they should be respected for what they are. If you've never been formally introduced to firearms, don't touch. Bullets are dangerous things to have flying around at over 1,000 feet per second, you know (just ask Heero, he's been shot). Honestly, I have no bloody idea what the hell kind of a pistol he uses in GW. I doubt I could figure it out; artists usually eff up weapons beyond recognition anyway. Of course, the banishing gun Genjo Sanzo carries in Saiyuki is a blatant exception to this rule. Someone put in a lot of man hours with an Einfield. Very nice.

Reviews: Reviews are always welcome. Particularly flames. My dogs find it entertaining when I throw myself on the floor, shriek like a banshee, and beat my fists, feet, and head on the carpeting in a fit of shameful tantrum-ing. I hear that they're considering me for an Academy Award for Best Performance as a Toddler.

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