Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 23 - We're Here and I Have to Pee
To say that Heero was in a pissy mood was an understatement. He was fucking furious. A week. An entire week. And part of a day. 176 hours, 35 minutes, to be exact, since he'd last had sex. His baka wouldn't touch him below the neck. Why? Because the vindictive little baka was still in a snit about riding to Peacemillion with a sore ass and added a snit about riding to Peacemillion as a married not-princess, to boot. Whatever that meant.
He was supposed to be honeymooning. It was his mission. He had pointed this out to his baka more times than he could count--368--and had gotten laughed at. Laughed at.
To make matters worse, Wufei was gloating over it. He had half a mind to honeymoon the hell out of Wufei, and would have if Quatre hadn't caught him about to do just that and pointed out that his baka would probably not like it very much. He had asked his baka shortly after that and had gotten a tirade that lasted 43 minutes, 28 seconds. He hadn't understood a word of it, but he'd come away from the experience with a mild case of tinnitus and the understanding that his baka didn't approve of his use of Wufei as a secondary honeymoon objective. Once his ears had stopped ringing, Trowa had given him a jealous look and called him a lucky bitch because Quatre was totally into monogamy and Wufei had stomped over and informed him that he would not be joining them in a threesome when his baka was done with his sulk no matter what his baka said because he was Chang Wufei, Last of the Dragon Clan, and therefore was above such things. And then he'd squeezed Heero's ass before stomping off to sulk. Unfortunately, his baka had noticed the illicit ass-squeeze and gotten into a justice-rant match with Wufei, even though he was clearly outclassed.
Lunch break was finished quickly after that.
"We're all perverts," Quatre said with sigh when the remounted their gundams. "Poor Wufei is the one that's stuck in denial. I can't tell if that's worse than being the sweet, blushing innocent or not."
Heero blinked, confused. Quatre was unable to answer because, conveniently, they arrived at Peacemillion in time to halt any uncomfortable conversations at an edge-of-your-seat cliff-hanger stopping point.
Quatre frowned. "But I quit talking five minutes ago."
They arrived at Peacemillion in time to halt any uncomfortable conversations at an edge-of-your-seat cliff-hanger stopping point.
Quatre shook his head. "Whatever. We're here and I have to pee."
Heero glared at the closed drawbridge. Not again.
"This is pointless!" Wufei roared. "They will not permit is to enter so long as that long-haired nuisance is with us!"
Duo clutched at his stomach and laughed.
Trowa sighed, then rummaged through a saddle-bag. "Oh my," he said. It sounded curiously stilted, each word given the exact same inflective weight no matter its location in the sentence and a long breathy pause between. "We seem to be out of food. Oh yes. I recall, we ate the last of the food and the last of the dessert when we stopped at that lovely stream hours and hours ago and had lunch. Oh no. We will starve if we don't get any food. Because we are out of food!"
Duo whiplashed around to stare at Trowa in horror. "Out of food?"
"Yes. We are out of food. Oh no. Oh my."
Duo shrieked, "Nooooo!"
"If only we could get into the castle, we could have dessert," Trowa went on.
Heero frowned. Why was he putting a pause between each word? He sounded like an idiot who was pretending to be someone else and failing miserably.
Duo leaped to his feet and shook his fist at the battlements. Beneath him, Deathscythe heaved a long-suffering sigh. "I'll get us in!"
And then he dove into the moat.
Wonderful, now his baka was going to smell like a wet dog.
Five minutes later, their was a great deal of screaming coming from the battlements and the guards began running to and fro for no readily apparent reason. One of the, the one with his butt on fire, jumped into the moat. Immediately after he splashed, his baka, from inside the walls, bellowed, "Belly buster!" and then the drawbridge crashed down and the portcullis shot up.
Heero mentally pencilled in "bathe baka" prior to "uncap lube, spread on fingers."
"Dessert, here I come!" his baka shrieked.
Heero frowned. The manuals had mentioned a position known as "doggy style", though he couldn't recall the bodily logistics at the moment. Perhaps that position was designed to ease the wet dog odors that might emanate from a baka that jumped into the moat?
"Shit! Fuck!" his baka screamed. "Heero, help! Ouch! Knock it off! Leggo the hair! Hey, there's precious cargo in those pants, watch what you're owwww!"
Heero put spurs to Wing and charged into the castle with the others hot on his heels. There, in the midst of a boiling froth of hair and skirts, Duo was being overrun by the Horde.
"You bitch!" Duo bellowed, swinging his fists. Heero took a moment to admire his technique before leaping from Wing into the middle of the fray.
Wufei watched in utter astonishment as that braided idiot was overwhelmed and dragged off by a set of squealing onnas, and then Yuy was likewise brought down low and carried off. "Kisama!" Wufei roared. "It is injustice! How can mere, weakling onnas control that idiot where I could not!"
Two hours later....
"Gods!" His baka yelled before throwing himself onto his usual seat at the dinner table and, incidentally, Heero's lap.
Heero blinked and scooted out from beneath his baka to sit next to him. "You're polytheistic?"
He glared at the purple haired girl across the table and wrapped his baka's braid around his forearm. "Polytheism is the practice of worshipping multiple deities."
Duo glared at him. "I knew that. What brought that on?"
"You yelled 'Gods!' for no discernable reason."
"Oh. I'm not really theistic, but if I were, logically I'd be monotheistic. I was only exposed to Catholicism as a child, actually, and later, when I met Quatre and the Maganacs, I learned things about Islam. I'm pretty much unfamiliar with anything polytheistic other than what I've picked up here and there on a more academic sort of level." Duo frowned thoughtfully and idly scratched his balls.
"So why did you shout 'Gods'?"
His baka blinked at him. "I would think that would be fucking obvious, Yuy. I'm wearing a fucking dress again! At least you're wearing pants!"
He looked down at his legs and glowered. "I'm wearing tights and pantaloons. I look ridiculous. I am unable to satisfactorily perform combat." He glowered harder at his pantaloons and whispered the most heinous, embarrassing, and painful fact of all. "I can't find my guns."
Zechs, who had seated himself across from them, snickered.
His baka wrapped and arm around him. "I'll help you look for them after lunch, okay, babe?"
"Injustice!" Wufei shrieked from the doorway. "Injustice! Onnas are evil! They are the bane of the earth! Injustice!"
"Wonder what crawled up his ass this time."
"Baka," Heero growled and tugged the not-princess closer. His baka was entirely too concerned with the interior of Wufei's posterior. He would rectify that error.
Wufei came to a halt, studiously ignored Zechs, and stared at Heero in horror "Gods, Yuy, what happened to you?"
Heero frowned. "You're polytheistic?"
Wufei snorted. "Polytheism has been historically prominent in China. From the beginning, there were many gods to be given respect and Taoism, a widespread religion brought about by Lao-Tzu, offered a path to follow that included the worship of multiple deities, both major and minor, so I could be conceivably be polytheistic, but I've been mostly likely to carry on about justice, Nataku, my ancestors, and women. Girls are icky."
Heero blinked. "Why did you shout 'Gods!', then?"
"Isn't it obvious, Yuy? You're wearing that ridiculous outfit. It is unbecoming a warrior of your stature. It shames me to have bested you in combat with my spork."
Heero's fingers instinctively curled around guns that weren't there and he cursed to himself. His baka narrowed his eyes and growled, "Don't fuck with my Heero, Wu-meister."
Wufei snorted again. "Yuy is dressed as ridiculously as a woman."
"That's it, you fucking asked for it."
Wufei laughed. "I had no idea you were such a versatile comedian."
Duo abruptly screamed like a girl. "Why, Wufei, you gorgeous man, you! Of course I'll go for a walk with you!"
Heero decided that while he generally liked Wufei and admired his skills as a warrior, Wufei was going to have to die. Once he identified that curious rumbling he heard.
"I thought you'd never ask me out on a date, Wufei!" Duo yelled.
The squeals and snorts echoed through the hallway and into the war room.
"What injustice are you babbling about, Maxwell?" Wufei snarled. "And what is that noise?"
The Horde spilled into the room, charging to the table. "Date! Princess! Date!"
Duo batted his eyelashes at Wufei. "Oh, Wufei, you are so handsome and you saved me from the dragon the first time around!"
Heero moved his hands from where his guns should have been and picked up his knife. Wufei was a dead man.
"Knight! Date! Princess! Knight!" the Horde howled, milling around the table. One of them squealed and clapped her hands over her mouth. "Wufei looks awful!"
"Date! Date!" one of them howled. The rest of the Horde took up the cry.
"Back! Back, you evil onnas!" Wufei roared, flailing about with his spork. "Don't touch me! Get back!"
Duo smirked and sat down as the tide of the Horde washed over Wufei and dragged him off into the bowels of Peacemillion, yipping about hair styling products, velvet, and lace. "When I fucking say don't fucking fuck with Heero, I fucking mean don't fucking fuck with Heero."
Heero glared. "I'm the Knight, baka, I'm supposed to rescue you."
"I suppose it's too much to hope that they'll put him in a dress," Zechs sighed. "Treize has a birthday coming up and Wufei would be a perfect gift."
Heero glowered. "You didn't have to ride back to Peacemillion with him."
"Perhaps not, but I was there when Treize ungagged him." Zechs frowned. "Perhaps I'd better go rescue him. I would like to get laid again sometime soon."
"Not to mention Howie and G are on their way in with Bionic Butt." Zechs was already on his way out. Duo grinned at Heero. Heero frowned. Duo frowned. "It was a joke, Hee-chan."
"It wasn't funny, baka. Baron J does not have bionic parts other than his limbs."
Duo looked somewhat queasy. "Do I even wanna know how you know this?"
"He played Annette Funicello in the barony's production of Beach Blanket Bingo last spring. His costume was quite revealing."
"Okay, that's quite possibly worse than what I was thinking."
Heero grunted. "He was given critical acclaim for his performance. I did not have an acting mission in the production though it would have been an opportunity to test the acting skills I gained in my infiltration training. My mission for the production was to stand behind the critics and sharpen some knives that were to be used as props in case the director added a last minute fight scene."
"Oooohkay. Speak of Doctor Frankenfurter and it shows up. G, my main man, how's it hanging? Still scaring the local livestock off with it? Heya Howie-babe! You and the pscyho chick still playing patty cake?"
"Princess Duo," G said mournfully. "You're back."
Baron J seated himself in Zech's vacated spot. "Report 01."
So Heero did. At length. In monotone. Using simple sentences or less when possible. Everything. No, not just everything, but everything, right on down to the color of underpants Duo was wearing beneath his dress when he had tossed Chivalry Boy off the parapet. King Howard was outright snoring by the end. King's Advisor G was playing the Klondike version of solitaire. Dorothy had braided two braids into her hair, one on each side, and had draped pink napkins over herself. She was alternately batting her eyelashes at him and snickering. His baka was staring at him with a mixture of indignation and glassy -eyed information overload. It was difficult to tell what Baron J was doing. "End report," Heero snapped. Total report time: three hours, seven minutes, fifty eight seconds.
"Oh my fucking God, I feel like I've had a pack of ferrets running amok in my brain," Dorothy muttered. She'd read it in a recent email from a lovely young woman and thought it applied rather well. So well, in fact, she said it again.
Baron J jerked, then nodded. "Mission status?"
King's Advisor G slipped one of the face down cards out from beneath a row running from ten to four, then tossed it onto his discard pile. "Ninmu kanryu my fanny."
"And it's an ugly fanny," Baron J snarled.
"I have a marriage certificate signed by General Khushrenada," Heero pointed out.
"The dragon, boy," G said smugly. "You didn't mention it."
Heero blinked, confused.
"What about it?" Baron J demanded.
"Injustice!" Wufei bellowed. He was propelled into the room by several members of the Horde. They twittered. "Injustice! Injustice! Injustice!" He stamped his foot. It tinkled.
Duo hit the floor, laughing.
Heero couldn't help it. He smiled. His baka was adorable when convulsed in hysterics. Several members of the Horde noticed his smile, shrieked in abject terror, and ran like wildebeest pursued by a pack of rabid hyenas.
Wufei was not amused. "Injustice!"
Wufei was wearing chartreuse tights that clung to his nicely formed legs. He was wearing royal blue shot with gold pantaloons that billowed around his thighs. His doublet was a rich wine color and he had a ruff of lace, roughly the size of a manhole cover, tied around his throat. He had a hat with an excruciatingly long feather on it. And bells on his feet.
"Oh my God, I can't breathe," Duo howled.
Alarmed, Heero dropped to his knees beside his baka and forcibly uncurled him. His baka was red in the face, with tears streaming down his cheeks, and his breath came in short, panting gasps. Even though mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was used when the victim was not actually breathing, Heero decided he would deliver pre-emptive first aid. His baka immediately quit laughing and tried to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Irritated, Heero stuck his tongue into his baka's mouth to stop him.
"Injustice!" Wufei bellowed.
"They're making out on the floor." Dorothy chortled.
Baron J turned his, er, glare? piqued curiosity? on the pair and harumphed.
"The dragon!" G yelled, slamming his fist into the table. "Did your boy kill the dragon or not?"
"Dragon? I should think not!" Wufei yelled back. "Such injustice is not to be borne!"
"Shut up, Injustice Boy," Dorothy muttered.
"We'll simply have to sacrifice Princess Duo to the dragon again," G said, sighing. "And hope that the next knight that shows up to rescue her has enough brains to kill the dragon!"
Wufei snorted. "I witnessed the consummation of the marriage. The idiot is no longer a virgin."
G narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure, boy?"
Wufei glared. "I am not in the habit of lying."
"Drat and damnation. We can't sacrifice Princess Relena since she is betrothed to Treize Khushrenada, we'll have to--"
"Princess Relena is what?"
G suddenly found himself shoved back against the back rest of his chair, something sharp pricking his throat, and an enraged Chang Wufei's glare promising instant death. "Er, she's engaged to Treize Khushrenada?"
"I forbid this injustice! Treize Khushrenada is mine!"
G blinked and swallowed very slowly. "We have a marriage contract with him."
Wufei's black eyes glittered. "He will break it or he'll be cut off!"
"Spoken like a true bottom boy!" Duo crowed.
"Baka." Heero smacked him in the back of the head.
Zechs, who ever so conveniently happened by the scene just in time to effect a rescue for the Gundam pilot from enemy forces, said, "It's true, G. Treize will break the contract if Wufei tells him to. He doesn't like to be cut off." Smiling faintly, Zechs left the scene quickly for no particular reason.
"Is everyone gay?" G demanded.
"Only bishounen. It's a law of physics," Baron J snapped. "It's immaterial. I want my half of the kingdom, now. The southern half, if you will. I fancy a nice vacation spot on the coast."
"I hear you play a mean Annette Funicello," Duo said between snickers.
Baron J beamed. At least it kind of looked like he did. "I do, indeed."
"Perhaps King Howard should adopt Chang," Dorothy said. "Then he can marry Khushrenada."
G smirked. "Then we can sacrifice Relena to the dragon since she's holding out for a Heero. What's one more irritating whelp around the place? Especially now that we're getting rid, er, especially now that Princess Duo will be leaving the bosom of her loving family to go live with her husband."
Baron J frowned. His goggle things gleamed in a frowny sort of way. "Absolutely not. Princess Duo will remain in the bosom of her loving family. 01 has a few missions coming up and he's not permitted to have any distractions."
Heero looked up from his baka's lap, which had done an amazing geographic metamorphosis in the last fifteen seconds, shortly after Heero had surreptitiously grabbed his cute butt. "Mission?"
Baron J's goggles did the frowny glinty thing again. "The Duchy of Romafellar has to be stopped. They intend to take over and institute total tyranny. The Barton Foundation has instituted Operation Meteor and you're going to be a part of it."
"Duo will be an asset to the mission."
Heero glared at the old man. "He is my baka."
Baron J's frowny glinty goggle thing turned into more of a scowly glinty goggle thing. "She will be better off here."
"She's not staying here!" G yelled.
"Well, I don't want anything to do with either of you!" Duo yelled.
Heero yanked his baka into his lap. "My baka! I married him. I promised to love, as is convenient--"
"Actually, Yuy, you skipped that part. You promised to love him," Wufei snapped. "You tied me to a chair and forced me to watch this injustice, you will not weasel out of it now!"
Heero glared at Wufei. "My baka! He goes with me."
"You mean that, Heero?" Duo asked softly, his huge purple eyes soft with hope.
"Of course, baka. You're mine."
Duo threw his arms around Heero and squeezed. He was saying something, but it was difficult to tell what, muffled as it was against Heero's neck.
"The baka is excellent at hand to hand combat, he is a master at escape and evasion, he has proven to be effective at infiltration of civilian venues, he is highly resistant to torture, and he has been well trained in the use of explosives by King's Advisor G. As his husband, it is my mission to manage and use my baka prudently. My recommendation is that we keep him."
Baron J's scowly glinty goggle thing subtly altered into a thoughtful glinty goggle thing.
"Oh, Heero! No one has ever wanted to keep me before!" Duo said from his neck.
"With good reason," G muttered.
"You're my baka," Heero said as if that said it all.
"You are so not going to regret this! I'll be the best ever! I can blow shit up better than anyone else! G gave me a recipe for some kick ass C-4, but I fiddled with it a little and can make a sweet little brew that'll blow up half of Mexico. I call it the Wufinator because it's kind of unstable and likes to go off for no good reason."
Heero looked at his baka fondly, as fondly as possible without actually adjusting facial expression. "Hn."
"Oh dear God," Baron J muttered. He could no longer do the glinty goggle thing because he pushed his face into the table and covered his head with his arms. "Why me?"
G smacked him. "You wanted the kingdom. Princess Duo is part of the deal. Get over it, you old goat."
Duo glared at Heero. "I like calling it the Wufinator! I am not calling it the Heeronator just to make you happy."
Heero glared back. "Hn."
"No, forget it. I'm not talking to you. See this? This is me not talking to you. You're a rotten selfish bastard and I don't know what I see in you. The Wufinator is not stupid!"
Duo nuzzled into Heero's neck. "I love you, too."
"We don't have to convene Parliament, so as soon as I draw up the papers and King Howard signs them, Chang, you're family and you're betrothed to General Khushrenada." G frowned. "You can't be a princess, though. Princesses are girls, the dictionary is very clear about that."
Wufei blinked. "Adopted? Into Maxwell's family?"
Wufei glared at G. "I do not want to be related to that idiot!"
G blinked. "Which one?"
"All of them, but particularly that one!" Wufei's finger stabbed toward Duo. Heero frowned.
Duo stuck his tongue out at Wufei. "But Wuffie, you know you love me. Besides you have such a cute butt!"
Cute butt. His baka thought that Wufei had a cute butt. Unacceptable. Heero gently set his baka aside, kissed his temple, then stood up. He lunged across the table and wrestled Wufei and his cute butt to the floor. Wufei snarled and lashed out, clipping Heero on the jaw, but he ignored it in favor of relentlessly de-cuteizing Wufei's butt.
Duo leaned back in his chair and smirked. Manage and use prudently. Fuckin' A.
Three weeks later....
Treize Khushrenada forced himself to stand at attention and not scowl at the cleric presiding over the wedding. He hadn't seen his bride since he'd arrive the day before and he couldn't say that he was displeased with this. Zechs had been unavailable last night, which was something of a mixed blessing. He'd missed his Zechs, of course, and was sure to make him forget about his mid-morning meeting with the Princess Relena But then, sometime in the dark, he'd thought he'd heard a cry of injustice tearing through Peacemillion and it had made him embarrassingly mopey for his dragon. When he left after the, ick, consummation of the wedding, the Princess Relena was staying here and Zechs could damned well go with him back to Oz.
There was a shuffling and grunting in the back of the chapel for a moment. Someone yelled in fury. The orchestra abruptly began playing, well, something. After a measure everyone managed to get themselves on the same page and the wedding march nervously made its way through the crowded room. Something white and lacy flew through the doorway and bonked the conductor on the head.
Treize frowned. He hadn't remembered the Princess Relena as being quite so...feisty. Her obsession for Heero Yuy had made her rather dull and swoony.
"Kisamara! Onnas! Injustice!"
Treize blinked. Wufei?
Several of Peacemillion's ladies-in-waiting, yapping something about weddings, brides, and lace, dragged Wufei through the doorway. The audience stood and gaped. Treize found himself gaping as well.
Halfway down the aisle, Wufei managed to shake one of the ladies-in-waiting off, kicked another to the side, and slapped the remaining one in the face with a bouquet of white roses and baby's breath. He glared at them, straightened his white tunic, and threw any remaining white flower buds out of his hair. Wufei death glared at the left half of the audience. They silently shrank down into their seats. He turned his glare to the right half and they followed suit. Smirking, obviously intensely pleased with himself, Wufei strolled down the aisle to the dias.
Treize closed his mouth and smirked back.
"I will have my justice, tyrant!" Wufei roared at him.
And suddenly there was a sharp, biting pain in his left buttock.
Three minutes later....
The terrified cleric managed to pronounce them man and tyrant, at Wufei's insistence, without peeing all over himself despite the presence of a sharpened spork poking him in the throat. He only stuttered seven times through the entire four sentence ceremony, too.
Nervously, the yay-they're-married music skulked about the fringes of the chapel while Wufei surveyed the crowd with intense distaste. The crowd watched, wide eyed, as Wufei marched back down the aisle and through the rear doors with a single sniff of disdain. His new husband, the great Oz General Treize Khushrenada, limped after him with a spork stuck in his left butt cheek.