Category: Satire/parody
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: AU, cussing, lemony goodness limony badness
Spoilers: Nada
Reviews: Always welcome, any sort of review.

Notes: The lemon in this chapter is actually essential to the plot. If you're anti-lemon, well, maybe if you peeked through your fingers and sang "Amazing Grace" while skimming...?

See [ the disclaimer page ] for disclaimers, warnings and other important information

Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 20 - Weddings for Dummies, Assorted Idiots & Grooms
by Muffie

After trying, with a distinct lack of cooperation on both the parts of Duo and his skin-tight, black leather pants, to put his baka's clothes back on his baka, he wrestled the lab coat from the largest lab assistant, then put it on Duo. While long, the coat left what he considered an indecent amount of his baka's legs exposed. He tried, but couldn't get it farther down than his ankles. Hn. If anyone looked at the little bit of his baka's legs and bare feet that were showing, well, omae o korosu was all he had to say. He tossed the not-princess over his shoulder, palmed his butt to hold him steady, and went stomping off to put the next phase of the mission into motion.

In Treize-baby's suite....

"I am very displeased with you, Treize," Wufei growled, stalking slowly back and forth like an irate panther with its pony tail tied too tight. "I thought we'd discussed this when I lost our last duel. What have you to say for yourself?"

"Mmph! Mm mmmm mm mmmmmph!"

Wufei snorted in disgust. "That's what I thought you'd say." He reversed the crop in his fist and used the pommel to tilt the kneeling Treize's chin up higher. "You've been a naughty, naughty tyrant and you must be punished."

Treize's eyes widened to the size of saucers and his body flailed against its bindings. "Meemmime moo!"

Wufei chortled. Oh, he liked it that his tyrant knew his place. "Exactly," he purred, running the tip of the crop along Treize's cheek, just above the strap of the gag.

Treize shook his head and bucked harder against his restrains. "Maa mee! Meemmime moo!"

"Punishment is good for you, my naughty little tyrant."

Treize shrieked in his gag, his face turning red. "Mmm--!"

And, for Wufei at least, everything went black.

Heero smirked. "Naughty little tyrant?"

Treize shut his eyes and dropped his forehead onto the mattress.

Ten minutes later....

Heero death glared at Treize. Treize just smiled a cat-that-ate-the-guy-with-a-beam-cannon smile. "Hn," Heero growled.

"That's the way it works, Heero. We have to watch. Look it up if you're curious."

Heero deflated. "You can't look at my baka."

"It doesn't work that way. You want this done right, I have to look at her as well."

Heero frowned. "Her?"

"Princess Duo. Isn't this a little extreme?"

"Duo is male."

Treize blinked, then laughed. "Very funny. I like this sense of humor you've developed, 01."

Heero snorted. "Does it have to be both of you?" It was bad enough that Treize-baby had to watch, but the man his not-princess occasionally referred to as 'Wu-stud'? Not if he had anything to say about it.

"Actually, there needs to be two others besides myself and we all have to watch."

Heero glowered. Another person? He knew that he should have forced that idiot girl, Reiko Trembles Murky, to bring Quatre and Trowa along. Duo had never shown any real interest in them.

"Zechs is available," Treize purred. "You do want this to be done properly?"

Heero turned his glare onto the wallpaper, ignoring the way it blistered and peeled from the wall. "Yes. I must complete the mission no matter what the sacrifice."

Next to Treize, Wufei moaned and his lolling head twitched.

"You can call Zechs in by dialing 06 on the phone. I believe he's in his office at the moment."

Zechs, it turned out, was only too pleased to be included in the mission. While Heero admired the man, he wasn't too sure he liked the man's enthusiasm. Or amusement. At least he wouldn't have to tie him up like he had to Treize and Wufei. And he wouldn't have to gag Zechs like he had to gag Wufei.

"We have time, 01, perhaps you would fill me in on the details of your plan? I'd like to see a successful conclusion considering our deal." Treize smiled as if he were in charge.

He didn't particularly want to discuss his mission with Treize-baby, but the man did have a lot of experience and was an excellent tactician. Now would not be a bad time to have some of his more involved questions answered.

Conveniently, immediately after Heero's preparations were completed....

Duo felt like he was swimming through pea soup on his way out of dreamland. His mouth felt thick, cottony, and minty-fresh and his limbs felt like they were weighted with gundams. He wrinkled his nose, wondering why it felt like his face was getting smooshed by spandex, and smacked his lips. Blinking open his eyes he saw nothing but black. "Aaah! Those stupid Oz bastards blinded me!"


"Heero, goddammit! I told you to friggin save me!" He was so gonna kick Heero's ass over this one, even if he had to do it by feel.

"You're not blind."

He snorted. Heero no baka. "I can't see anything."

"I blindfolded you."

He blinked. Then he frowned. "What the fuck for?"

"This." And then Heero's tongue trailed up the slope of his throat, over his chin, and in between his lips. "And this." And then Heero's fingers trailed down his ribs, into the dip of his waist, and further down , beneath him, to his buttocks.


"Is this acceptable?"

"Mmmm, yeah. But what about Oz?"

"Mission complete." Heero's fingers twitched closer to him, digging between his butt cheeks to tease him.

Mission shmission. Heero had more important things to concentrate on and Duo was just the man to make sure he did. If anyone interrupted them this time all hell was going to break loose. Shinigami would put the fucking smack down on anyone who came between him and the demise of his virginity. Heero's finger found a very private, virgin spot and wiggled. "Oh god, do that again."

"I like it when you talk to me, baka," Heero growled, nibbling the curve of his jaw and leaving behind a moist trail of pure sensation. He groaned, deep in his throat. "I like it when you moan for me even better."

Duo moaned again. "That might be sexier if you'd use vocal inflection." Heero bit him just beneath his ear and he couldn't stop his entire body from arching. "Or you could do that. God."

"Vocal inflection. Ryoukai," Heero muttered.


"You're beautiful, baka," Heero said, his voice rising and falling in perfect iambic cadence, despite the less than iambic nature of his words. "I adore you, my baka. Your beauty waits to be plucked, like a rose petal dripping with dew."

Oddly enough, he could have sworn he heard a you-blew-it sort of groan and someone suppressing a snigger in the background.

He frowned. "Uh, Heero? What have you been drinking?"

"Bottled artesian water. I am seducing you." And he had to sound all pissy about it, too, the bastard.

"Yeeeeeeee-ah, okay. Look, I'm more into the strong, silent type and not into the kind of pansy that would come up with that stupid line. Hell, only a real bottom boy would say something all girly like that. So skip the poetics and fuck me into the mattress, baby!"

A very distinct and very self-satisfied, though muffled, justice grunt followed that announcement. This was followed by something that sounded vaguely like "I'm not a pansy, I like roses! Thorns are danger incarnate! They're very manly!" but he couldn't be sure.

He lifted his hand to move the blindfold, but Heero twined their fingers together instead. "Did you say something, Heero?"



"You're beautiful, baka--"

"God, not that again. I'm losing my fucking hard-on here."

"I adore y--"

Duo glowered into his blindfold, miffed. "I'm gonna go choke the chicken, then get some pizza. You go ahead and practice seducing the pillows, a'ight?"

"Your bea-"

Duo shoved on Heero's hands, almost moving him a whole sixteenth of an inch.

"Shall I com--" Heero grunted in sheer frustration then abruptly snarled, "I will do this my own way."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Are you taking a how to fuck a princess class from Relena or something?"

Heero grunted, then attacked.

Ooh yeah. Now this was more like it. His dick perked right up and so did everything else. And then Heero did that thing with his tongue. The thing that involved a lot of hot, wet licking like he wanted to taste the very essence of Duo's soul. Through his dick. Heero did it perfectly, marvelously, fantastically. Heero applied tongue to his balls with his cock shoved all the way down that hot, tight throat. He'd seen shit like this in porn, but thought it was all camera angles. He never thought he'd ever feel it.

"Oh Heero!" he cried, his passion spilling from his heart like the rush of a river pouring past the precipice of love like Niagra Falls to fill his loins with the resounding joy that was the perfect blowjob from the perfect mouth that was only Heero's. "Oh, Heero! Yes! Yes! God, Heero, my darling! My precious! Oh!"

Heero grunted, but the resulting "hn" was too muffled by cock to be decipherable, even by someone as fluent in Hn as Duo.

Two glistening tears, like trailing diamonds flung across the starry night sky, fell from the gorgeous sparkling amethyst jeweled lilacs that were Duo's eyes. His soft pink, bow shaped lips parted in shy, trembling ecstasy as he was overcome by the depth of passion that could only be found in the depths of Heero's ocean-deep cobalt prussian blue eyes.

Duo lifted his head again, grinning. "Thought you were all into that poetic, candy-ass bullshit."

A muffled justice snicker slid through the room. Nah, couldn't be. Another muffled hn vibrated from Heero's throat along the length of his weeping erection right on down into his balls.

"Oh, hell yeah!" Duo yelled. "You fucking give hummers, too! I am one lucky motherfucking son of a bitch!"

There was a sound suspiciously like a snort, but since he didn't feel it vibrating his dick, he didn't pay any attention to it.

Heero's mouth suddenly popped off of his cock. "You fucked your mother?"

"Shit, 'Ro, it's an expression! You gonna suck my dick or what? I wanna fuck you! Wufei comes 'tween me and your ass again, I'm gonna jam his spork collection up his butt!"

There was an indignant squawk and a snicker. Duo leaned up onto his elbows. "What was tha -- mmph!"

Heero's tongue landed in his mouth and went spelunking for his epiglottis. And Duo really couldn't remember anything terribly coherent after that. Heero's kisses needed to be on the illegal addictive narcotic substances list. Nancy Reagan would be shrieking, "just say no!" if she knew about what Heero could do with his tongue.

Oh my fucking God were the only words that managed to penetrate his fogged brain, and not necessarily in that order.

Heero writhed his tongue along the roof of Duo's mouth. He could taste the sharp sweet flavor of Heero and residual bottled artesian water and he suddenly couldn't breathe. He didn't want to breathe. He just wanted to live on the taste of Heero's tongue. In his mouth. Heero's tongue. In him. He groaned, pressing himself tighter and tangling his own tongue up against Heero's. He opened his mouth wider and slithered his tongue out to lick at Heero's lips. A breathy groan roiled between them. Beneath him, Heero's palms caught his butt cheeks, kneading them and pulling them apart. It felt good and sexy and made him want to thrust himself over and over again against Heero's groin.

"Do you love me, baka?" Heero whispered against his jaw, trailing that hot, wet tongue along the length of his jaw to tease the flesh beneath his ear.

Duo moaned and shoved harder against Heero.

"Say you love me, baka," Heero murmured, stirring shivers down his spine with his heated breath.

"Nnn, Heero," he whined, twisting his head for more kisses. "Shut up and kiss me."

Heero lapped at his lips and swiped at his teeth with his tongue. Fingers roved down his body, tracing the bumps of his collarbones and down along his ribs. He gasped, arching, when a nipple was tweaked and tugged. "Tell me, baka."

"Huh?" He blinked up into the blindfold, trying to understand what Heero was saying, or, more accurately, why Heero wasn't using his tongue for better things. Like kissing. "Kiss me!"

And Heero did. He slid his tongue into Duo again, this time accompanied by the full, naked heat of Heero's body thrusting against his. Oh my fucking God. "Promise to love me," Heero whispered against his lips again, then followed this with a long, slow lick along the throb of his jugular.

"Just kiss me, goddammit!"


"Fine, I promise!" He was rewarded with the return of Heero's tongue and groaned. He melted into the bed, his hands slicking along the rippling muscles in Heero's back, down to the most perfect ass in existence.

"Say it. Say it and I'll kiss you all you want."

"I promise."

"Promise to love me," Heero breathed, his hand moving down Duo's stomach to sink into a thick thatch of chestnut curls.

"I promise to love you," he gasped, arching into the hand. Just turn over. Just a little bit. Fingers were one of the greatest gifts to give to a hard-on. He thrust his hips upward, running his cock full length through those fingers. God, Heero had perfect fingers.

"Good baka," Heero growled, then sank his tongue back into Duo's mouth.

Duo arched his back, gasping, when those perfect fingers began to slowly jack him off. Down to the base, then back up with a deft twist of the wrist. He whined and thrust up into that hand as best he could with Heero laying half on top of him.

Heero's breath licked at his cheek, sending shivers of sensation running down his spine. "I promise to love you as..." Two of Heero's fingers swirled through the slick precum on the way sensitive head of his dick, then paused. " required..." Frustrated fingers swirled again. "...mission, love..." The fingers slid down until two of them firmly held the spot just below the head, you know, that hot spot on the underside where all the nerves are and they made fireworks sort of shoot off in his brain."I promise to love you," Heero snarled.

"Err?" He blinked into the blindfold, the haze of hard-on-induced halcyon fading a bit. And then Heero's other hand slid between his legs and cupped his balls, long fingers slipping behind them to press right there. "Heero!"

He could feel Heero's smirk against his cheek. This was followed by a lick, then another, just a little lower, on the underside of his jaw. He groaned in his throat, arching his neck for whatever Heero wanted to do with it. Heero wanted to suck. And lick more. God, that felt so fucking good. Heero added some nibbling to his repertoire when he hit the collarbone, then teethed down and around the sharp, inner edge of his left pectoral. The most erotic thing he'd ever felt was Heero's breath washing over his nipple while Heero's lips clung to the flesh just beneath it. That or Heero's fingers working his cock like, like, like that. Shit. Fuck! "Heero! God! More, goddammit, more. Oh fuck, I'm gonna--"

Scream in unmitigated frustration. The fingers left his cock behind to trail up through the sweat on his belly, past his heaving ribs, to tweak the nipple Heero wasn't breathing on. The other fingers, instead of pressing hard enough into that fuck-it-feels-good spot behind his balls, massaged in light circles.

"Goddammit, Heero!" he yelled when the maelstrom of almost orgasm receded. "Quit fucking around and just do it!"

"Patience, baka."

"Patience my goddamned ass! You're gonna be the fuckee if you ain't careful, Hee-buddy!" Heero snickered, off to the side and in a muffled Wuff the Buff voice. He frowned. "What the -- oh fuck!"

Heero cut him off by simultaneously biting his nipple, squeezing his cock, and gently twirling a finger around his hole. His entire body arched off the bed and he muffled a scream. Sort of.

"Good baka," Heero said, sounding smug as shit.


The finger in his butt tickled. "Yes, baka. That's what I'm touching."

He shivered, moaning. "Heero."

The finger left for a moment, then came back, this time slippery and cool. "Like this baka?"

It felt even better all slick like that. The finger twisted and twirled, moving round in complex patterns that teased him. When the hand on his cock began a languorous stroking, he thought he'd died and gone straight to pervert heaven. He spread his legs wider, lifting his hips to get closer to that finger. Heero shifted, moving to his side and lapping at his nipple, just enough for him to get his feet flat on the bed. The finger pushed, almost but not quite penetrating and he whined in the back of his throat.

Heero hummed in satisfaction against his chest, pulling the finger back when he tried to impale himself on it.

"Quit teasing, dammit, please!"

The finger came back, this time nuzzling itself into him. It parted the depression and eased its way through the tight clench of muscle. He gasped, arching into it. It felt like, it was, oh God, "Heero, fuck!"

"Promise to cherish me."

The finger pulled out a little, then thrust in, just a bit deeper, and the hand on his cock sped up.

"Promise me, baka."

"P-promise!" He shoved his hips at that finger, trying to get more of it, but it pulled away. "Heero, please!"

"Say it. Promise to cherish me." The finger pulled all the way out this time, going back to its teasing and almost prudish probing. "Say it, baka."

"I promise to cherish you. Fuck Heero, stick it in. Please!"

The finger thrust in, powerful and confident. It brushed against something that had him jerking clear off the bed and strangling a scream.

"I promise to cherish you, too," Heero said.

"Great, fine, whatever. Do that again!" He twitched his hips, just to be clear about what he wanted again. And he got it. The finger moved in and out, turning and wiggling and brushing that one spot while the hand on his cock jerked him in perfect rhythm. "Heero, God, Heero," he chanted, wriggling himself after that finger. "I'm gonna, oh fuck! Heero, you bastard!"

The finger disappeared and his hard cock flopped onto his abdomen, all alone, by itself, with no Heero petting it. Bastard!

"Good baka," Heero said, then kissed him. Long and slow with a lot of lip movement and little tongue action. One of Heero's hands ghosted along his body, touching him lightly in places, predatorily in others. He barely noticed it when that finger slid back inside of him, gently circling. His eyes popped open and he squawked indignantly when a second was added. "Easy, baka. Relax."

The two fingers stilled while Heero's lips traced a meandering path down his chest and belly. He sucked in a breath, holding it, his body quivering, and then those lips touched the end of his cock. Heero's tongue came out and gently lapped along the length of his shaft. He moaned in his throat, spreading his legs a little wider. Heero nibbled his way back up, until his lips pressed against the head. "Good baka," Heero said, then let the tip of his cock slide inside. At the same time, he twisted the two fingers and hit that spot.

"Fuck," he gasped, feeling like he was going to drown on oxygen.

"Mmm," Heero growled in appreciation, the fingers withdrawing. Duo could almost just see the fierce expression on his face, that my - mission - is - going - well - and - I'm - enjoying - the hell - out - of - myself Glare o' Death.

At the same time that Heero's mouth plunged down, sheathing the entire length of his cock in what had become his favorite place in the whole world, Heero tweaked one of his nipples and shoved his fingers back inside, hitting that spot. His ass came up off the bad and he tried the mangle the shriek that came out. The penetration was thicker, fuller, burning, and rhythmically hitting that spot. Oh my fucking God. "Heero!"

"Mmm," Heero said around his cock, vibrating him all the way to the balls.

"Fuck, Heero!" His hips wriggled and he couldn't stop them until Heero's arm banded across his pelvis and held him down. He couldn't stop his fingers from sinking into Heero's hair, curling into that thick pelt of-- "Oh fuck, Heero, more!"

Heero had changed rhythm with his fingers, abruptly, into slow shallow movements that stretched on the downstroke and manipulated that spot for several forevers on the upstroke. His cock slipped out, slapping wetly against Heero's forearm. Lips wrapped themselves around the shaft, just under the head, and suckled. The fingers, oh my fucking God, the fingers kept up their slow torture, never giving quite enough speed or power to get him anywhere, but giving just enough to keep him panting and writhing around and begging.

"Please, Heero. I-- fuck, please! Do something. God, please!"

"You like this, baka?"

"Yes!" He screamed just to make sure Heero got the message. "Fucking do more and do it faster!"

"First, promise to forsake all others, keep yourself only unto Heero Yuy, pilot 01, forever and ever."

"Yeah, okay, what the fuck ever. Just, oh my fucking God, do that again!" The fingers paused on the upstroke and spread out, one of them petting his prostate the same way he wanted to pet the inside of Heero's throat with his cock, before backing off.

"Promise first, baka."

Heero shifted on the bed, pulling away. That was okay, though, because those fingers were still there, inside him right where they were gonna stay. He'd kill anyone that came between him and those wonderful, perfect fucking fingers. He could feel Heero's legs and hips against his inner thighs and then Heero's hand, freshly slicked up with something, curled around his cock and the only thing he could feel with throbbing pleasure.

"Say it, baka. Say I promise to forsake all others."

He lifted his hips instead, whimpering and thrusting into the hand that didn't hold him tight enough to do anything but stimulate him even more.

"Say it."

"Fuck. I promise to, aaah! To forsake all, fuck, others. Do it again! Please, Heero, please do that again."

"Promise to keep yourself only unto Heero Yuy, pilot 01, forever and ever."

"Nnn, I wanna cum. Please let me cum." He jiggled his hips as enticingly as he could.


"I promise to keep myself only to Heero Yuy, pilot 01, for fucking ever, just do something. Quit teasing me!"

"Perfect, baka," Heero said, pulling his fingers out.

"By the power vested in me as His Excellency, the very manly and masculine not-pansy General of Oz, I now pronounce you man and, er, married to each other. You may kiss the baka."

His entire body jackknifed in complete shock, or would have if Heero hadn't suddenly been laying on top of him. What the fuck? He opened his mouth to yell at Heero--the haze of pleasure receding really fucking fast despite the hand still jacking his dick -- but Heero used the opportunity to stick a tongue in there instead. He was about to get all medieval on Heero's ass anyway, when, suddenly, he was penetrated. By something hot. And thicker than fingers. And long. And hot. And it hit that spot which was all primed and ready to go and didn't give a fuck about the voice of His Excellency using the word married because Heero was rubbing something hot and thick against that spot. Back and forth. Slow. Until he wasn't thinking about anything but whatever was touching him there.

Heero suddenly growled into his mouth and ripped the blindfold off. He blinked in the low light until a pair of fiercely pleased blue eyes came into focus. A pair of blue eyes that were all but screaming "I'm gonna fuck you like an animal". Heero lifted his face away, propping himself up on his hands -- both hands -- and that whatever it was started moving faster inside of him. His eyes trailed down one set of beautifully sculpted biceps on the right side of his head and then down the other set of beautifully sculpted biceps on the left side of his head and then met Heero's eyes again, widening in the suddenly realization. Oh fuck. That was Heero's cock. Heero's cock was touching him inside, in that spot!

Heero was fucking him! He was getting fucked by Heero. Right now. In that very bed. By Heero. And Heero's cock. And Heero's cock hit that spot and his entire body bucked into it. Heero growled again, his fiercely pleased expression turning that much more intent. Fuck, Heero was goddamned sexy when he was fucking.

Duo wrapped his legs around Heero's hips just because he could, then found out that this particular angle did absolute wonders for the logistics of cock head to prostate intersection. And he could use it for leverage to fuck back. And that pleased look changed to straight hungry. There was nothing, but nothing sexier than a fucking Heero looking straight hungry. He wrapped his hand around his own cock.

Faster. Harder. More. Heero.

His body responded to the order with enthusiasm. His abs shrieked in protest, but were overruled by his dick and that spot. And Heero's oh-so-perfect cock meeting every thrust he made with power, and more importantly, precision right to that spot. Every downstroke hit that spot. And every upstroke put the other that spot, the one on his dick, into the tight well of his fingers. And oh my fucking God it felt better than anything he'd ever done. Up to and including jacking off.

"Heero! Fuck! I'm gonna, fuck!" And then he was. Coming. A lot.

He was vaguely aware of Heero's scrunched up expression and bared teeth hovering over him, but he was too busy with his own full - body - muscle - spasm - four - pounds - of - C4- going - off - in - his - balls - twenty - thermal - scythes - taking - over - his- brain - when - did - the - stars - suddenly - show - up - in - his - eyeballs - in - technicholor - holy - fucking-shit orgasm to pay much attention to Heero's.

Several minutes later....

Heero was steady enough when he stood up, but walking was impossible. He staggered toward Treize-baby and methodically began untying knots. It was difficult with shaking fingers. If his baka thought for one moment that he was never doing that again just because they were married, then his baka was really a baka.

"That was, by far, the best wedding ceremony that I've ever attended, in whatever capacity, Heero. Congratulations," Treize said.

Heero smirked.

"And if you'll excuse us, I have my dragon to enjoy now."

Heero nodded.

Treize looked at him expectantly.

He glared at Treize.

Treize glared back. "It's my boudoir."

Heero gave him a death glare.

Treize scowled.

Heero pulled the nearest .50AE.

"We'll just be going now," Treize said, and promptly picked up the right side of Wufei's chair. "Zechs, love, help me with our dragon. I don't think he plans on cooperating with us. At least not yet."

"Congratulations, Heero," Zechs said, picking up the left side of Wufei's chair.

"Mmm! Mmmmm! Mmm!" Wufei yelled. Heero chose to ignore the death threat in Wufei's congratulations.

He locked the door behind the three and looked at his baka, sleeping on the bed with an idiotic, sated grin on his face and that very cute butt sticking up. He wrapped his fingers around his cock and decided that it was time to wake his baka up. They were honeymooning now and he had a mission to honeymoon the hell out of his baka.

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