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Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 19 - If This Is Torture, Chain Me to the Wall!
by Muffie

Quatre grimaced and rubbed at his sternum.

"Querido?" Trowa gently slid his fingers along Quatre's cheek in concern.

"Something is wrong with Duo." Quatre pressed his palm flat to his chest and pushed, as if it could make the pain all go away.

"What is it, de minnaar?"

"I don't know, but all of his yelling and shouting is giving me a headache." He sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have listened to him about Death by Pepperoni. Do we have any antacids? My stomach is trying to eat my lungs."

Trowa smiled to himself and slid both antacids and aspirin on to the kitchen island counter in front of his lover. He had been smart enough to pick the excess pepperoni off of his slice and stick it on Duo's.

Quatre offered him a grateful smile, burped delicately, and groaned. "I'm never eating another pizza that Duo orders ever again."

He let his smile widen since no one else was around to see it. "You've said that before, amante."

"Oh, Allah, don't remind me."

"Take the pills, liebhaber." He settled a glass of milk in front of Quatre.

Wufei stalked in the kitchen, his face settled in a glare. He gave each of them a quelling version of the glare, then slammed the tea pot onto the stove. Quatre winced.

"Quatre has a headache. Quiet," he said, crossing his arms and staring pointedly at Wufei's back.

Wufei snorted, but quit slamming things around. "That, that idiot doesn't know anything about being a proper gundam pilot!"

Trowa sighed. Not this again. "That would be because he's a princess."

"Then why did they give him a gundam!" Wufei slanted a glance at the sudden squeak coming from Quatre, who was now cheek first on the counter, arms over his head. "My apologies, Winner."

"It's the Dark Ages, somewhere unspecified in Europe. Everyone rides horses to get around."

Wufei snarled something in Mandarin under his breath and poured his insta-boil water into his tea cup.

Trowa brushed his hand against Quatre's face. "Would you like to try some bread, elskar?"

"Oh, Allah, don't mention food!"

"I'm sorry, dashnor."


"Yes, maitale."

Quatre picked up his head. "What was that one?"

"Basque, mylimasis."

Quatre sighed. "Trowa, due to mass media, global immigration patterns, and economic power structures, there are very few languages that will be left in use. Circa 8,000 BC, there were about 6,000 languages in use globally. By the 2,000 AD, there will only be about 300 languages. If things keep progressing as they have been, by the year 3,000 AD, there will only be 7 languages left. If you consider that best estimates from official gundam sources put 195 AC at centuries after 2000 AD, it's reasonable to estimate that it's somewhere in 2200 AD to 2900AD, since 3000 AD would put it at a millennium. So it's likely that there will be only 150 to 7 languages left during our lives. For Europeans, the number of languages will reduce at a more drastic rate than elsewhere if the European Union remains in power. The dominant Euro language is English. By the time AC 180, when you were most likely born, comes around, there will only be a handful of European languages left in use, so it's English, Spanish, or Portuguese. Take your pick."

Trowa blinked. "I was just using the free online foreign language dictionaries on this palm top you gave me for Christmas." He looked down at the small computer in his hand. "Eh-in."

Wufei carefully put the teapot back on the stove and sipped at his tea.

Quatre smiled up at his lover. "You like your present?"

Trowa nodded. "Very much," he checked the palm top, "koibito."

Quatre leaned up and nuzzled his nose against Trowa's for a moment, before tilting his head for a kiss. Their lips clung gently for a moment, before they broke apart. Trowa immediately checked to see what the Persian Farsi word for 'kiss' was.

Wufei placed his empty tea cup on the counter and furrowed his brow. "If you employ a little moisture on the lips, kissing will be smoother and more pleasant." Nodding pleasantly, he headed to the back yard to do his forms.

Trowa checked to see if there were any words in Tagalog for 'asshole'. Quatre dropped his face back into his arms and groaned.

"The man gets laid once and suddenly he's the Earth Sphere's greatest authority on fucking!" Duo snarled from the door, stalking to the refrigerator. Quatre whimpered. "What's up, Q-ball?"

"Headache," Trowa intoned.

Duo nodded, wincing in sympathy.

"Is that why you were yelling earlier?" Quatre asked, very quietly.

"Heero was brushing my hair," for some reason this made Duo blush brilliantly, "and I don't wanna talk about it."

Heero sidled into the kitchen and stood behind Duo, arms crossed. "Chang told me that my cute butt was immaterial."

"Don't listen to him, Heero. You've got the cutest butt anywhere and it's important to me," Duo soothed, leaning back into his not-lover.

Quatre and Trowa exchanged glances. Heero hadn't sounded upset, he'd sounded angry. Didn't he? Of course, he sounded that way when he was reading from the dictionary, so it was difficult to tell.

Heero rubbed his cheek in Duo's hair for a moment, then went back to glaring at the middle distance again.

"How do you think Oz found us?" Duo asked softly, looking worried.

"Five people suddenly check into a boarding school with names like Duo Maxwellhouse, Trowa Bartona, and Chang Wufei." Trowa rolled his eyes and snorted expressively. "Gee, I have no idea how Oz could have found us."

Duo furrowed his brow. "Perhaps all five of us staying in this safehouse isn't the best idea?"

"Nonsense. We're not giving Oz the opportunity to catch us all in one place, there's safety in numbers," Quatre said. "Not to mention, my safehouse is comfortable and there are servants who would never gossip about five young men suddenly showing up with gundams."

Duo relaxed. "Cool. If you think it's okay, Q-bean, then it's okay."

"Hn," Heero grunted.

"Don't be like that, Heero. I'm sure that the servants won't touch your laptop, at least not more than once."


"No, you cannot keep your laptop in my underwear drawer. I need the space for my porno mags."


Duo rolled his eyes. "Duh! Of course no one would ever think to look there for anything important! That's why I keep my porno there."


Duo turned around, hands on hips, and glared. "Whattaya mean your porno is better than my porno?"

Heero glared back. "Hn."

Duo blushed. "Oh." Duo smiled sweetly. "You're my favorite porno, too, Heero."

A terrified look flashed briefly, very briefly, over Heero's face. "Hn?"

"SHIT monthly? No, I don't have any of those. I'm not into bondage. I have a subscription to Hot Japanese Soldier Boys& Their Long-Haired Bakas." Duo grinned. "My favorite issue has this one boy who--wait a minute. SHIT monthly? You have SHIT Monthly mags?" Duo's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "They wouldn't happen to feature me as the centerfold, would they, Hee-chan?"

Heero shifted his weight, but frowned gamely at Duo. "Hn."

"I don't care."


"No. You're not going to distract me with lurid descriptions of the contents of Wufei's panty collection."


Duo brightened up. "Heeeeyyy. I like that idea. What do you two think? You in?"

Trowa didn't blink. Quatre looked puzzled. "In? On what?"

"Heero's idea!" Duo bounced in placed, rubbing his hands together. Heero looked smug.

Quatre frowned thoughtfully. "And what idea is that?"

"Weren't you listening?"

"I'm afraid that I don't speak Hn as fluently as you do, Duo."

Trowa looked through various online translation services, but didn't find any that translated from normal people language to 'hn', not even in fee-based services.

"C'mon Quat, it's not that hard to figure out. Heero said that we should raid Wufei's panty drawer, gift wrap them with silk scarves, handcuffs, and a whip, then send them to Treize-baby--"

Heero elbowed Duo in the ribs.

Duo glared at him. "Sorry. Treize Khushrenaaaaadaaaaa," he paused to stick his tongue out at Heero, "with a note attached that says that Wu-stud is tired of being the man in charge and would very much like it if his masterful General would take command and turn him into the sweet little femme bottom that he's always dreamed of being. Though I'm not sure where the spork comes in."

Heero looked quite pleased with himself. "Hn."

Duo blushed. "Add some chocolate to that and you've got yourself a deal."

Quatre blinked. "You got all of that from one 'hn'?"



"I'm in," Trowa said suddenly.

"Why does Wufei have panties, anyway?" Quatre asked, mystified.

"I don't know." Duo shrugged. "Weird thing for him to collect; he doesn't like girls."


Duo's jaw dropped. "No shit?"

Heero's lips twitched minutely.

"Whoa. I'm scarred for life now."

Quatre perked up. "What?"

Trowa lifted an eyebrow.

Duo looked through the sliding glass door, to make sure that Wufei was out of earshot, then hissed, "He wears 'em when he goes and studies at the library."

Quatre frowned, confused. Trowa exploded into laughter.

Suddenly, the glass door rocked open and Wufei burst in. Behind him, faintly on the breeze, came the less-than-melodious trilling of "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero!"

All five pilots immediately panicked.

An hour later, in a closet....

"You did not have to come in here with me!" Wufei snarled, elbowing someone in the gut to gain some breathing space. "I was merely after a pair of shoes." He glared at everyone for good measure. "I am not hiding!"

"Then why are you whispering?" Duo hissed.

"Because, because they are, mmm, sacred shoes. Yes. Sacred. One must be properly reverent around--"


Almost as one, they flinched. It was getting closer.

"Shut up, you two," Quatre growled and cuddled deeper into Trowa.


They relaxed minutely, except for Heero who couldn't stop gritting his teeth and wincing. She had prowled past Wufei's room, on down the hall. Hopefully, she would assume they were out and would--

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero!" She was standing at the head of the stairs, from the sound of things. "Darn it, I could have sworn I heard them screaming up here earlier. Maybe they're on a mission? That's it! I'll go downstairs and make my lovey-dovey turtle pie something wonderful for when he gets back!"

Wufei snickered.

"Lovey-dovey turtle pie?" Trowa murmured. Heero reached out and smacked him.

Quatre smacked Heero. "Ssh! She'll hear you!"

"How long are we gonna have to sit in here? Wufei has stinky feet," Duo whined.

"Ssh!" Wufei and Quatre hissed in unison.

Heero considered kissing his baka to shut him up, but Duo was a moaner and he didn't think that would help.

"I dunno, until she falls asleep. She has ears like a bloodhound," Quatre whispered.


"Not in my closet!" Wufei snarled.

Two hours later....

Trowa had managed to prop himself in the corner and would have gone to sleep if Quatre hadn't bundled into his lap and cut off all the circulation to his legs. He would have moved, but Quatre had fallen asleep with a hand in his pants and, well, despite the fact that he lost all feeling in his legs, it was quite pleasant. Wufei leaned against the other corner, drool streaking down his chin. Every once in a while he mumbled something about justice, sporks, and spreading.

Heero had appropriated the largest amount of space for himself, but Duo, sprawled on him and lightly snoring, didn't make it any more comfortable. He was the Perfect Soldier, however, and Perfect Soldiers did not have their extremities go numb because of sleeping bakas. He would have surreptitiously kneaded his outer thigh to encourage circulation, but the baka was dead weight on both of his arms.

Without warning, the door flung itself open. "Ah-ha!"

Wufei smacked his head against the wall and yelled, "Treize, heel!"

Quatre jerked and Trowa curled around himself, seeing spots and wondering if he should try out for the Vienna Boys Choir next. The baka snorted, smacked his lips, and snuggled deeper into Heero's chest.

"Commander Une will be so pleased with me," a feminine voice that was definitely not Relena commented. "I knew that I would capture you."

It was that girl.

"Reiko Teapot Mortuary," Heero snarled.

"It's Reiko Tempestuous Muerte!" she shrieked. "I picked it out myself!"

"Mmm, 'Ro. Harder," Duo mumbled.

The hands in Heero's lap, specifically the hand in the very juncture of his lap, squeezed invitingly.

"You are now my prisoners. I will return you to Oz where you will face General Khushrenada and Commander Une for your fate!"

Khushrenada. Heero's brow furrowed. Khushrenada was a sovereign authority. He grinned suddenly. Quatre, in the direct line of fire for any of expression that bothered to show up on Heero's face, whimpered. "Ninmu ryoukai," Heero said, then yanked his arm out and palmed his baka's butt. Duo purred. Ninmu ryoukai indeed.

Reiko Tempestuous Muerte gestured with her pistol. "Come on out with your hands up, and don't try anything funny!"

Quatre glared. "I don--"

"We will surrender peacefully," Heero snapped. Hefting his sleeping baka, he stood up and strode from the closet. Perfect Soldiers do not hobble even when they have pins and needles from butt bone to tip toe.

"Wait a minute," Reiko Tempestuous Muerte bellowed, "I'm in charge here! I've got the gun!"

She waved it in the air and trotted after Heero. Confused, Quatre stood and stretched the kinks out while Trowa staggered to his feet and hopped around. If he had been anyone else, he would have been cussing or whining. Wufei put a hand in the small of his back and arched, groaning.

"We'd better hurry up or we'll miss our kidnapping," Quatre muttered.

Wufei glowered. "That idiot onna of Heero's is not after us and that idiot onna with the gun left. I see no reason to follow. Yuy will take care of her quickly enough."

Quatre sighed. "But they're taking Duo to Treize and that's not good."

Wufei looked startled for a moment, then his patented Glare of Imminent Justice lasered through the room. "I must go."

"Uh, okay."

"We'll stay here and guard the safehouse. We'll monitor in case you need an extract." Trowa said before Quatre could volunteer to join the group. Quatre did open his mouth to dissent, but Trowa's hand sliding into the back of his pants shut him right back up. "You'd better hurry, Wufei, before they turn Duo into a girl and marry him to Khushrenada."

The eye portion of the Glare of Imminent Justice narrowed at that, then Wufei was gone.

"Trowa! We have to go and--"

"Silence, my little desert blossom," Trowa growled, nuzzling his face into the sensitive crook of Quatre's neck.

Quatre blinked, then frowned. "You know I hate being--"

"I said silence, little prince. I nearly got killed by the guardsmen when I stole you from your father's palace last night and I expect a reward for my efforts."

Quatre scratched his head. "Trowa? What--"

"Be silent, my little desert treasure. I am the dashingly notorious and devilishly infamous Dread Pirate Trowa and I have stolen you from the bosom of your family to make you my own. That means I can gag you if I want." He nibbled the spot under Quatre's ear that always made him melt. It worked this time as well.

Quatre lolled his head back, moaning. His voice, when it came, was breathy and unsteady. "Are you okay, Trowa?"

Trowa straightened up with a sigh. "I think we're going to have to work on your role playing skills."

With a sweep of his foot and a push of his hand, Quatre had Trowa sprawled across the bed. "My guardsmen are very skilled at warfare, Dread Pirate Trowa. You were so easy to capture." Quatre trailed a finger down Trowa's cheek and across his throat. "My father was going to chop off your head and use you as compost for his zen cactus meditation garden, but I convinced him to give you to me. I had to give up my harem for you, my sweet pirate. That deserves a reward, don't you think?" Quatre ripped the fly of Trowa's jeans open with the flick of a wrist.

Trowa groaned. "Oh, yes, Quatre."

"Call me master, bedslave."

Trowa could only think one thing: if this is torture, chain me to the wall! Or bed. Yeah, bed first, wall later, maybe the kitchen table, then the hammock....

Back at Oz castle....

Heero found himself chained to a wall again, alone in his cell, without his baka. Wufei and Duo were taken elsewhere and Heero did not like it. He waited until the chortling big, burly Oz officers had slammed the door shut behind them, then broke the chains. He shoved on the door, popping the lock too quietly for any roving big, burly Oz officers, who had a curious sort of hearing disability for breaking metal anyway, to hear.

"You bastards!" Duo's shriek bounced down the hallway. "Hands off the hair!"

A low, feral growl roiled through the corridor. No one, but no one touched his baka's hair but him.

"No! Get that the hell away from me! You people are seriously fucked in the head! Heero! Goddammit! You'd better come and fucking rescue me before they turn me into a girl or I'm goddamned well going to marry you--" Duo interrupted himself with an inarticulate shriek of rage.

Heero paused and weighed the pros of Duo's willingness to marry versus the cons of Duo being a girl.

"--and take lessons in how to be a girl from Relena!"

He didn't like girls anyway. He charged down the hall, roaring, "Omae o korosu!"

"Heero! Oh God. Hee...."

He exploded into the Oz version of Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory to find his not-princess once again strapped, butt naked, to a table. This was going to have to stop. No one was permitted to see his baka naked but him or anyone he gave permission to, which was no one! There were three persons in labcoats this time, along with several big, burly Oz officers. Heero dispatched them all with one swing of his fist.


His not-princess blinked glazed eyes up at him and it wasn't the good kind of glazed eyes, either, the kind that came from kissing and licking and he cut that line of thought off when his spandex started twitching.

"Heero," his baka murmured.

"I'll save you, baka," he said, his tone as heartfelt as he could make it.

"Th' shtuck me 'gain." The eyes were blinking more, with longer periods between flashes of purple.

He unbuckled the leather straps and cuddled his baka to his chest. "That's okay."

"Y' shoulda rescued me 'fore th' did...."

Heero tenderly wiped away a bit of drool from his not-princess's mouth and smiled a smile that would have made others smile back, had there been an actual living person present. "That would have interfered with my mission, baka."

on to chapter 20

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