Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 16 - Invasion of the Yuri Snatchers
Heero shifted his weight again. Duo cast him a sidelong glance, wondering what the hell was wrong now. He stood, demurely, in his schoolgirl uniform, tugging at the hem of the skirt. Wu-Wu was a lost cause. He stood hip-shot on the other side of Heero, arms crossed, and glaring at the window. Everything about him bellowed "I can kick your ass!" Trowa was the only one that pulled the look off with any panache, but that wasn't surprising. Trowa was the only one of the three with any of the sense God gave a seam squirrel. He stood, hands clasped in front of him, leaning ever so slightly toward Quatre in a bemused I'm-his-don't-touch posture.
"Class, we have five new students this morning, let's make them feel welcome! Tell us a little bit about yourselves."
"Ohayo, minna-san!" Duo said brightly, waving. "Hajimemashite! Duane Maxwellhouse toiimasu! Douzoyoroshiku! Okagesamade genkidesu! Bokuga kirainamushiha haedogakiburedesu!"
The girls smiled at him.
"Heeroina Yau," Heero mumbled. He raised his eyes long enough to glare at the classroom in general before staring at the floor again. "I don't like celery, either."
Almost as one, all of the boys swooned at how sweet and beautiful Heeroina was. And she appeared to be single! Duo noted that they were staring at Heero's legs and didn't like it.
"Chang Wufei," Wufei snorted. He didn't stop glaring at the window. Heero glared at Wu-man, but Wu ignored him.
"Quatre Rabera. I'm pleased to be here."
The girls were whispering about the new gorgeous boy and his gorgeous hair, the adorably gorgeous couple that Trowa and her boyfriend Quatre made, how sweetly shy the gorgeous Heeroina was, and how the gorgeous Chang chick appeared to have a stick up her ass. The boys were alternately lamenting Trowa's--holy cow, look at those legs--taken status, drooling over Heeroina, and wondering if the Chang chick, who was obviously a lesbian, did threesomes with her girlfriend, who (they hoped) was Heeroina. Oh yeah, you could hear all the blood heading south and the level of teenaged hormones rising at the mere thought of the sweetly shy Heeroina and the bull dyke Chang ripping at each other's clothes in the full, sweaty, heat of beer-commercial-esque, hot lesbian passion.
Duo noted the looks of interest Heero was getting and didn't like it. Heero was his Knight in Shiny Armor, goddammit, and if anyone else even thought they could come between them, well, they were gonna find out how wrong they were at the hands of Shinigami. Narrowing his eyes and grinning evilly at the worst of the droolers, he snatched Heero's hand and held tight. Heero looked up at him, startled, but said nothing.
A collective gasp of dismay went up from the various males in the classroom. No! It wasn't possible! Heeroina just had to be Chang's lesbian lover! She just had to!
"There are some seats in back." The teacher smiled obliviously when the five settled into their seats.
A girl leaned over and smiled at Heero. "Hi, I'm Reiko Tempestuous Muerte. Is Duane your girlfriend?"
"Negative. Duo is my baka."
"Baka means completely gorgeous, fabulously sexy, and unutterably intelligent guy." Duo smiled. "Heeroina is my girlfriend.
"Damn!" a boy to Duo's left lamented.
"It means idiot," Reiko Tempestuous Muerte said with a giggle. "You two are sooo cute together! I just know it's true love!"
Heero snorted in disgust. "True love is a romantic notion."
Duo's smile broadened. "My Hee-chan doesn't do romantic notions."
Heero glowered. "Do not call me Hee-chan."
"You two girls are so kawaii!" Reiko Tempestuous Muerte pronounced, stars in her eyes.
"He's a she," a boy crowed triumphantly. Of course, the teacher neglected to notice. "No guy looks like that."
The boys in the class turned to inspect those gorgeous, amethyst, jeweled orbs that were Duo's eyes, the sensual, yet sweetly innocent curve that was Duo's heart-shaped face, and the thick, silky, bavarian chestnut mass tumbling gently down in its braid that was Duo's glorious tresses.
"Bull dyke!" another boy took up the cry. "Three hot new lesbian chicks! We're so lucky! Yuri 4 eva!"
Wufei, who had been studiously attempting to take notes on basic kanji (which he already knew, he is Chinese after all), glowered at the boy.
"Lesbian threesome," another boy moaned, his eyes sliding shut. Pictures of the delectable and obviously in denial about her gender Duo, the sweet Heeroina, and that hot dyke Chang all tumbling together naked and sweaty steam-rolled through his brain.
"This is ridiculous!" Wufei yelled. "Injustice!"
Quatre and Trowa looked at each other for a moment before Quatre shrugged and passed a thousand yen note over. "I told you," Trowa gloated.
Wufei spared them an irritated glare.
"I thought he could hold out for an entire day," Quatre whined. "Wufei, where's your stamina?"
Wufei stood up and pointed to the boy next to him. "This, this cretin thinks that I am a bull dyke! I do not even know what a bull dyke is!"
"A manly woman," Trowa said drily. "You should be happy, everyone is aware of your masculinity."
Wufei turned purple. "I am not a manly woman! I am a womanly woman!" He yanked on his skirt. "I am in a damned dress!"
"And you're goddamned sexy, tooOWCH! Goddammit Heero! I'm gonna friggin' kill you if you don't lay offa the braid!"
"Miss Maxwellhouse!" the teacher shouted. "Enough!"
"Score!" one of the boys yelled. "I knew she was a girl!"
"I am trying to conduct class!"
"You will not test out your theories on Chang's homosexuality on Chang!" Heero roared. "Quit looking up Chang's skirt!"
Wufei turned a funny shade of red and sat down.
"That's it! Everyone has detention!"
One of the boys whipped a cell phone out of his pocket and punched in a number. "Houston, this is Goseki. We have lesbians. I repeat, we have lesbians."
"They're my lesbians. Hands off, boys and girls," Quatre interjected into the sudden, shocked and awed quiet.
Heero suddenly smiled. "You will make an acceptable third when we have sex, Winner."
"Bisexual lesbians!" The boys had a new war cry.
Later, at detention....
Heero sat stoically and very carefully wrote the katakana alphabet with computer like precision. Across the table, Duo leaned back in his chair and glared at Heero with laser like precision. Heero did not consider himself a coward for avoiding that gaze and pretending he was elsewhere, just intelligent.
"We haven't even had sex yet and you're already trying to set up a threesome with Quatre? I'm gonna kick your goddamned ass for that, Yuy," Duo hissed. "Besides, I thought you were all hot for Zechsy."
Heero looked up, brow furrowed. Did the baka have some other preference in bedmate? "You would prefer someone else for the third?"
"I don't want a third at all! At least not yet."
Heero blinked and considered that. "I am not particular. I will permit you the choice of third. We will have sex once you've chosen the third and you've made the vow to forsake all others."
"Oh for the love of Mike!"
Heero glared. "Who is this Mike and where can I find him?"
"It's an expression!" Duo bellowed. "There is no Mike!"
One of the boys sitting kitty-corner timidly raised his hand. "Uh, I'm Mike."
Heero pulled the .357 King Cobra from its special place in the small of his back and pointed it at the self-professed Mike. He thumbed back the hammer with his favorite sort of smile. "Stand up and face the door."
Mike eeped and did exactly as he was told.
"Yuy!" Duo managed to yelp around his gaping mouth.
"Is his butt cute?"
"Is his butt what?"
Heero glowered at his baka, irritated. "It's a simple question, baka. Is his butt cute?"
"Are you gonna shoot him if I say yes?"
"No. I will simply de-cuteize his butt."
"No, Yuy, his butt is not cute. It's an ugly butt and I can't stand to look at it."
Wufei looked up from his book and blinked at the butt in question. "I think it's cute, as far as butts on males go."
"Bisexual bull dykes are so sexy," one of the boys at Mike's table whispered to another.
"You should probably de-cuteize it, Yuy, just to be on the safe side."
Heero grunted in the affirmative and tucked the .357 back into its holster.
"Wufei!" Duo yelled. "Don't encourage him."
"But I'm bored."
Heero stood up, cracking his knuckles.
"Hey! Wait," Mike squealed. "Girls hate my butt! They think it's ugly. Only bull dykes like Chang would like my butt!"
"A dyke is a protective structure designed to hold back water. A bull is an adult, uncastrated male of any number of even-toed ungulate species." Heero stepped around the table. "Neither of these things would logically have a preference in the cuteness of butts."
"Heero, Duo doesn't like his butt. What difference does it make if anyone else likes it?" Quatre interjected.
Heero paused, eyes narrowing, as he considered this. His not-princess was glowering at him and didn't seem particularly interested in this Mike's butt. "My not-princess has used the word 'love' in conjunction with this Mike person. It is best not to take chances."
Trowa kicked Duo under the table.
He jerked his bang in Mike's direction.
"Gah, okay, okay. Mike, no offense, buddy, but I really don't like you. I don't think you're sexy and I would never ever want to have sex with you or kiss you."
Heero was still glowering.
"Hope you don't mind if I never talk to you again."
Heero smiled. No one found it particularly reassuring, though Mike seemed to wilt in relief.
"At least not until I beat the shit out of Heero, here, for being a complete dick for thinking he can be a jealous, possessive asshole!"
Wufei smirked. "Is the wooing not going well, Yuy?"
Heero slowly made his way across the campus, beneath the sakura trees with their delicately falling blossoms. Duo was still angry with him and had refused to walk with him to dinner, claiming some insignificant errand. Quatre and Trowa had disappeared into a closet. He assumed that Wufei would eventually join them since he'd seen Quatre's hand sliding up Trowa's skirt. He glared at the fragrant blossoms at his feet. He should have disappeared into a closet with Duo before Quatre and Trowa had gotten a hold of Wufei. He could be having sex right now.
One moment he was designing a quick mission to get Duo into a closet and the next he was shoved, hard enough to knock the wind out of him, into a tree. He blinked up in surprise at the hulking boy that had pinned him. It was one of the larger boys from class.
"You're going to be my girlfriend, baby," the boy, Fabio Fujiwara, said huskily, rubbing the front of his body against Heero's.
Heero stared up at him, wide-eyed, and felt his knees go weak with terror. "No!"
Fabio pressed his lips to Heero's, mashing them against his teeth and bruising them until they were swollen. The boy's tongue slithered out and swiped against Heero's lips, attempting to worm its way inside. Crystalline tears of pain and humiliation leaked from the beautiful innocent prussian blue eyes of Heero Yuy and traced their way down his pinkened cheeks.
Heero squeezed his eyes shut and beat his fists helplessly against Fabio's steely arms, whimpering. He twisted his head, "No, please, I belong to Duo!"
"That long-haired freak? Not anymore, sweet thing. You're my girlfriend now. I'm going to take you to the Spring Dance." Fabio buried his face in the crook of Heero's throat, sucking at the tender flesh.
"No! Please, no! You're hurting me!"
"God, you're so hot, baby. I can't wait to fuck you." Fabio thrust himself against Heero's pelvis.
Fabio bit his shoulder.
Heero craned his neck to look past his attacker.
Fabio's hand slid under his skirt to squeeze his butt.
Heero checked his watch. Where in the hell was that damned baka?
What to do? The bully had done everything required by the mission parameters outlined in the simulated missions he'd found online. Heero had likewise followed his role in the mission. The only thing missing was his baka. He checked while the Fabio palmed his other butt cheek. No, there was no sign of the baka. He was uncertain as to what he should do now. Should he continue to wait for the baka? Should he--
Fabio's right hand tracked its way around from his butt cheek, along his hip, and then froze. He glared at Fabio as the boy leaned away and gently patted fingertips all around the length of his left hand .50 AE.
"Uh, I gotta go. I think my mom's calling meeeeep!" Fabio's eyes widened and traveled down the length of the right hand .50 AE from where the barrel rested against his philtrum to where it ended in Heero's fist.
"Negative. The mission requires that you continue to molest me to the point of actual damage until my baka happens to come looking for me. He will then beat the shit out of you, I believe the expression is, so that he can profess his undying love for me. Do you understand?"
"Uh, uh, uh." Fabio couldn't seem to break eye contact with the cocked hammer.
"You will complete your role in this mission or I will kill you. Do you understand?"
"Uh, uh, uh." Fabio blinked at the terribly shiny length of the slide and the fact that the hammer on the gun was still cocked.
"Good. You will now continue to molest me until the not-princess stops you. Since you seem to have forgotten your mission: you may not touch my chest or my genitals, you may not remove any of my clothing, and you may not stick your tongue in my mouth. You have bad breath." Heero doubled the wattage of the death glare. "Accomplish the mission or I will ki--"
"Yuy! What in the hell are you doing?" Wufei shouted. "Unhand that boy this instant!"
"Negative, Chang. I am wooing my not-princess. I suggest that you do not interfere with my mission."
Wufei stopped, his skirt swirling about his thighs, and blinked in utter confusion. "You're wooing Duo by threatening to kill someone? The idiot isn't even here!"
Heero spared Wufei a glare. "He stopped molesting me."
"Where is the baka? He's late."
"He's buying out the canteen. He's discovered they carry Mountain Dew. The idiot will impossible to live with now."
"Um, I really gotta go," Fabio whimpered.
"Negative," Heero snapped, pushing with the .50 AE.
Fabio closed his eyes and whined in his throat. Wufei had backed a couple of steps and had covered his mouth with both hands. He appeared to be having convulsions of some sort.
"You will complete your part of the mission!" Heero roared. Was the boy a complete idiot? "If you move from this spot, I will kill you!"
"Oh God," Fabio whined. Something warm and very wet hit Heero's foot.
Wufei landed, butt first, on the ground in a fit of hysteria.
The sickly sweet aroma of ammonia and sugar pierced his nostrils. Heero considered shooting the boy on general principle right that moment, but the boy was required in order to fulfill this mission. "Kuso!"
Wufei had his arms banded around his mid-section and had curled around them in an unbridled fit of laughter.
Heero turned a fully loaded death glare on Fabio. He nudged the bully with the barrel again. "We will return to this location at 1400 tomorrow for this mission. If you do not show up and attack me, I will find you and I will kill you. Is that clear?"
Fabio Fujiwara squealed and took off running in the direction of the dormitories.
"Your rapist peed on your foot, Yuy!" Wufei howled.
Heero glared at Wufei and wondered how much trouble he would get into with his not-princess if he shot him. He decided to shoot Wufei later, after he'd gotten the forsaking all others promise from his baka. For the moment, he settled for dismissive condescension. "Quatre appeared to want to have sex with Trowa. Don't you have to go help them?"
Wufei quit laughing and his mouth dropped open. It was quite satisfying, Heero decided as he stomped off to clean up.
Later that evening....
Trowa and Wufei were sitting on Trowa's bed, engaged in an intense whispered conversation. Well, Wufei was whispering intensely, Trowa was shaking his head intensely. Heero paused to glare at them for good measure every once in a while, but spent the bulk of his attention on the L2 Whore Takes on the Cell Block pictorial that he had safely tucked inside his Differential Calculus Theory III notebook.
He jerked the left hand .50 AE from its spot beneath his pillow when the windows rattled. Trowa jumped up and opened them, spilling Quatre and the not-princess into the room.
"God, that's a long fucking way to creep five stories up." Duo glowered at Wufei. "What was so goddamned important?"
Seconds later, the four of them were an intensely whispering, huddling mess on Trowa's bed. They occasionally shot looks his way with the odd exclamation of surprise or denial.
Heero decided that he didn't like it, but couldn't find the interest to get worked up about it since he had a full page spread of Duo, chains trailing from the heavy, iron cuffs on his ankles and wrists, kneeling on a stone floor with his upturned rump to the camera. His hands were on his butt cheeks--his very cute butt cheeks--pulling them apart to completely expose himself to Heero's very interested view. The chained Duo was looking over his shoulder, licking his lips, with his braid spilling down his side and trailing across the floor. Heero had just about decided to adjourn to the latrine to interactively study his Differential Calculus Theory in private when Wufei and Duo forcibly stood Trowa up and propelled him across the room with a hard shove between the shoulder blades.
Trowa tripped over the hem of his nightgown and smacked, nose first, into picture Duo's spread butt cheeks.
Heero jerked it away and slapped his notebook shut before anyone else could see it. Since he knew that his not-princess would be upset if he shot Trowa, even in a harmless spot, he briefly entertained the notion of blinding him. Surely no one would notice.
"Do it," Duo hissed from across the room. Heero blinked, startled. Oh, he was speaking to Trowa.
Wufei crossed his arms over his carnation sprigged nightgown and death glared at Trowa's bang.
Quatre offered a sweet, encouraging smile. "Do it or you're cut off for a week."
Trowa blinked at them, then turned to blink at Heero. "Er, Heero. We were wondering if you had any questions about sex. What are you looking at?"
Heero cuddled the notebook to his chest, his glare openly defying Trowa to say a word. "Differential Calculus Theory."
"I, uh, see." Trowa suddenly smiled. "I have that class, too. You'll have to let me borrow your notes."
Heero's instant Glare 'o Death threatened to singe Trowa's bang before he'd do any such thing.
Quatre frowned in adorable confusion. "Trowa, you don't have Dif--"
Trowa cleared his throat, loudly. "About sex. Wufei thinks you're a little confused."
"Enough beating around the bush, Barton. He thinks you two need my help to have sex." Wufei glowered at Heero over the insult to his masculinity.
Heero nodded curtly. "From my observations, male to male sex requires three people."
Duo hooted with laughter until Quatre elbowed him in the gut.
"Actually, it doesn't. Only two people are required to have sex, no matter if they're male or female. Sex can happen between three people. It can be fun, but three people aren't necessary. When Quatre and I have sex, we usually prefer it to be just the two of us."
Heero's brow furrowed. "When Chang was--"
"Yuy!" Wufei barked, "You needn't bring that up!"
"Bring what up, Wuffles?" Duo sounded far too interested in Wufei's sex life for Heero's liking.
Trowa smirked, but only Heero could see it. "I think we do need to bring it up, Wufei. It appears to be the source of Heero's confusion."
Wufei snorted. "It is unnecessary, Barton. Simply explain the mechanics of sex and then we can all go to bed."
Duo perked up. "Great idea, Wu!"
"Of course it is, I had it."
"Though, I never took you for the orgy type."
Wufei sniffed in disdain. "You shouldn't judge a book by--what? Maxwell! Not that kind of bed, pervert!"
Trowa sighed. "Wufei is correct. I will explain things to Heero and then we have to, er, study Differential Calculus Theory. We have a quiz tomorrow. You two go on back to your room."
"C'mon, Tro-babe, I wanna know what Wuff-Wuff did that confused Heero about sex."
"Duo," Trowa said.
Duo sighed, looking crestfallen, but went to the window without further protest. Heero made a mental note to find out how Trowa accomplished this feat. The not-princess made a few farewell noises and admonished Heero not to jack off too much because he had plans for him later, then bounced through the window. Quatre tossed the room a sheepish smile, tossed Trowa a kiss, and admonished Heero to listen carefully to what Trowa had to say.
"Wufei, you should probably go take a bath," Trowa said.
"Are you insane, Barton? I just had a shower." Wufei seated himself in his bed with all of the pomp and circumstance of an emperor settling himself into his bower full of concubines for the night.
Trowa gritted his teeth. "Unless Wufei would like to explain exactly how Wufei confused Heero about sex, Wufei would like to take a nice, long bath."
"I believe I shall have a bath," Wufei said haughtily, rising to his feet and authoritatively striding to the en suite bathroom. Heero always managed to hack them into dorms with en suite bathrooms.
"Tomorrow, we're going to head into town and I'm going to get you some how-to books on gay sex. I know several good titles from reputable people that will cover everything you need to know and then some. Will that help?"
"That would be very helpful, Barton." Heero didn't particularly like the way Trowa was eyeing the Differential Calculus Theory notebook in his arms.
"Heero, is that what I thought it was?" Trowa pointed to the Differential Calculus Theory. "Can I see it again?"
"Barton," he growled.
Trowa was unimpressed. "Please?"
Heero frowned. "On three conditions."
Barton arched his only visible eyebrow.
"One, you tell no one about this. Especially not the baka. Two, you don't let the baka see your butt. It's cute and the baka would be angry if I de-cutized it. Three, you do not allow the baka to witness your flexibility."
Trowa blinked his eye a few times, then nodded. "All right, Heero."
Shyly, Heero lowered the notebook to his lap and opened it up to the start of the L2 Whore Takes on the Cell Block pictorial. Beside him, Trowa sucked in an awed breath, then let it out with a soft whistle. Heero felt his chest swell with an odd sort of pride in his not-princess that made him want to simultaneously break out all of the other SHIT issues and kill Trowa on the spot for seeing his not-princess in such a position.
Outside the dorms....
Reiko Tempestuous Muerte slipped through the shadows beneath the sakura trees and quietly made her way to the window she'd left open. She paused to look up at Duo's window. "It's almost time, Princess...."