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Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 15 - You're Not Wearing Any Underwear!
by Muffie

Heero stalked through the corridors of the dungeon, snarling to himself. Big, burly Oz officers scattered like so many cockroaches in the light. He didn't give chase because he was in the middle of a discussion with his common sense. The smart move would have been to put his not-princess down in a secured location, then deal with the Oz officers. He'd gone so far as to try to put his not-princess down in several areas, but never managed to pry his hand away from its hold on his baka's firm butt. It was unreasonable to expect a soldier to fight with one hand on a baka's backside, but putting his baka down was out of the question.

Grunting in frustration, he pulled out his left hand .50 AE, chambered a round, and thumbed back the safety. He was just going to have to make the death slow with a gut shot rather than slow by dismemberment. He squeezed Duo's butt--he had recently decided that it qualified as cute, even if he was no judge of such things--and stomped down the corridors.

It wasn't very difficult to find the four big, burly Oz officers that had tormented his baka. He got them by dint of bursting into the break room, baka butt first, and shooting the ones that looked familiar. Shrugging philosophically with his free shoulder and grunting to himself, he shot the rest as well. Loose ends were not acceptable in mission accomplishment.

Narrowing his eyes, he noticed the magazines spread out on the table amongst the paper coffee cups with pictures of playing cards on them and half-eaten sandwich things. He shot the ones that had been sitting around the table again, just for good measure, even though they were dead. The one with an erection earned himself an extra two bullets. No one was permitted to enjoy sexually arousing pictures of his baka without his express permission. Period.

Dumping his not-princess on the pool table, he found an extremely convenient half-full container of MS fuel sitting beside the doorway. He didn't stop to consider why there was MS fuel in the dungeon, let alone why a hazardous substance would be sitting in a break room rather than in a hazmat locker. Instead, he piled all of the magazines he could find on the lunch room table and lifted the fuel can. He frowned for a moment, then peeked over his shoulder to make sure Duo was still knocked out. Out cold. "Ninmu ryoukai."

He sorted through the magazines and chose the best copies of the ones that appealed to him the most. After carefully tucking them into his spandex where they would be safe, he poured the MS fuel over the table. Tossing the can aside, he shouldered his baka again. Laughing to himself, he lit a match and tossed it into the center of the pool of fuel. Unlike matches in real life, it didn't go out; it turned the table into an explosion of swiftly burning magazines. With his laughter trailing off into comfortingly evil chortles, he smirked. "Ninmu kanryu."

Now all he had to do was find Wufei.

Fifty eight minutes and fifteen wrong turns later, Heero drew his left hand .50 AE and kicked open the door to Khushrenada's suite. He stormed in, prepared to kick ass and take names, then came to a shocked halt.

He'd found Wufei.

Blinking, he rubbed his eyes with the back of his free hand. It was Wufei. His eyes weren't playing tricks on him. Seeing a very naked Khushrenada, with his belly pressed to the bed, writhing beneath an equally naked Wufei who had a mostly naked Zechs thrusting heavily into him, Heero could only think of one thing. "Why couldn't you explain what hide the salami means?"

Thirty minutes later....

A bright red Wufei trotted on a pissed off Heero's heels toward the front door.

"I still do not see why it was necessary to kick Tre--er, Khushrenada in the backside like that."

Heero grunted. He had more pressing concerns than Wufei's indignation over the state of Treize-baby's butt. All that mattered was that Treize-baby's butt was no longer as cute as it might have been earlier.

Two guards leaped in front of the open doors to stop them. Heero drew his pistol and shot one between the eyes. The other one squealed, dropped his gun and cowered. "Please don't hurt me!"

Heero paused, glaring arrogantly at the man. "Stand up."

"We do not have time for this!" Wufei spat.

Heero ignored him in favor of the guard. "Turn around."

Wufei crossed his arms and hissed in annoyance.

Heero narrowed his eyes and glared at the guard's butt. "Chang, do you think his butt is cute?"


He really needed to learn the parameters regarding the cuteness of butts. He didn't want to waste the effort on uncute butts and he certainly didn't want to miss any cute ones. Until then, he would take no chances. "You are correct, Chang. It is irrelevant." Heero de-cuteized the guard's butt anyway.

Wufei gaped at the prone and moaning guard for a moment before trotting after Heero again. "Yuy, are you insane?"

Heero didn't bother to answer. He had more important things to worry about. His baka was currently drooling all over his back and he was concerned about the saliva entering his spandex space and ruining the condition of his magazines before he a chance to properly enjoy them.

At the rendezvous point....

Heero resettled his baka's hands for the third time and critically eyed the small bed of leaves he'd created to pillow his baka's head. He ignored the brief what-to-do-now argument that had erupted between Wufei and Quatre and shifted his baka's legs again. Deciding that he'd gotten the not-princess as comfortable as physically possible without his input on the matter, Heero turned to the small group.

"We must go into hiding," he stated.

Wufei glared. Quatre looked thoughtful. Trowa looked, well, Trowa looked the same.

"Khushrenada did not accomplish his mission so he will come for Duo. We cannot permit him to capture the baka again. We cannot return to Peacemillion or the old castle by the mountains."

Quatre sighed. "True, Heero. We can't go to my father's either."

Wufei snorted. "I will be just fine."

Heero glared. "They were squishing you."

"Squishing?" Quatre cocked his head.

Wufei flared into day-glo red again. "It is nothing, Winner. What do you suggest, Yuy?"

"We will hide in a boarding school. Oz would never think to look for us there. Since they will--" A low moan from the ground cut him off. He leaped for his baka, to help him sit up.

"Heero? Wha--?"

"You are fine, baka. I rescued you."

"Dun wan' be rescued." Duo slumped, face first, into Heero's chest.

"You would rather have stayed with that doctor?"

Duo suddenly shrieked and began ripping at the sweatpants. "Nooooooo!"

"Baka," Heero chided partly in disgust. "I rescued you before they could turn you into a princess." Duo slumped against him again, sighing in relief. Heero settled back against the tree, pleased.

Wufei lifted an eyebrow. "What is this?"

"Oz planned on--"

"Not a single word, Yuy," Duo growled.

"Whatever plans Oz has in store for you can affect us all, Duo," Quatre said gently. "We must know what they are so that we might plan for any contingency."




Quatre sighed. "If we don't know, we could very well fail the mission."

Heero jerked, then squeezed Duo. Fail the mission! "Oz intended to implant a womb in Duo's body and impregnate him."

"A womb?" Quatre blinked. "But why?"

Wufei choked on a breath he couldn't let out, then fell to the ground, howling with laughter. "Maxwell! An onna!" This sent him off into more laughter.

"This is why I didn't want to tell!" Duo yelled, leaping to his feet.

Heero noted the distressed state of his baka, calmly drew both .50 AEs and pointed them at Wufei. He thumbed back both hammers. "Shut up." Wufei shut up.

Quatre blinked. He cleared his throat as diplomatically as possible. "What was your plan for hiding, Heero?"

Grunting in satisfaction, he holstered the gun. "We will enroll in a boarding school. Oz will be looking for five boys, so three of us will pose as girls."

Wufei snickered to himself. "Maxwell is already halfway there."

His baka tensed. Duo had been mistaken for a girl for most of his life, even by those who had seen his external urinary equipment. It was only tactically smart to have Duo continue to pose as a girl since he had practice at it. "Duo will be a boy. As will Winner. The rest of us will pose as girls."

Shock met that statement. Duo twisted his head to stare into Heero's eyes. "Really? You mean that?"

"Of course, baka."

"Chang Wufei does not dress as a girl!" Wufei roared.

"Perhaps you should explain why you were being squished between--"

"Silence, Yuy!" Wufei glowered. "I will accept this mission for the good of my comrades."

"Squished?" Duo sounded intensely interested.

Quatre diplomatically cleared his throat again. "First, we will need to enroll in a school. Then we will need to get the appropriate clothing for it."

"I will hack into an appropriate institution and secure us enrollment," Heero stated.

"Good. Once you've done that, we need to find a mall." Four, well, three and a half sets of eyes blinked uncomprehendingly at Quatre. "A mall is a large building that houses dozens of retail outlets. We will find all we need to blend in with the students at the school."

Heero's confusion dropped directly into mission mode "I will require a locking briefcase."

"I'm sure we can find one."

"Ninmu ryoukai."

The next afternoon....

Five boys stood in the food court, gaping. This was more than a shrine to rampant consumerism, this was a feeding frenzy! There were fangirls everywhere and it required stealth and evasion tactics to keep them from pouncing. Heero had only been there for fifteen seconds and he was already prepared to leave. Wufei wasn't taking this much better.

"There's a few stores that cater to both sexes," Quatre said brightly. "We'll do those first so we can try on clothes."

Naturally, this excited all of them since everyone knows that teenaged boys adore trying on clothes.

In the end, it took Heero's gun to force Wufei and Duo into a store without causing a scene. Quatre only had to lift an eyebrow and say the words "cut off for a week" before Trowa was suddenly the very picture of cooperation. Heero tried it on his baka, but had only gotten a dirty look and something mostly unintelligible that involved the words "haven't", "sex", and "yet". It didn't work on Wufei, either, but the resulting verbal histrionics were much more spectacular.

"I don't see why I have to do this, I'm not the one being a girl!" Duo snarled, glaring at the girl clothes on the racks.

Quatre sighed. "They're not for you. It would just look silly if three boys suddenly started trying on girl's clothes. We'd get evicted from the premises. You're wearing a dress, so if you took clothes to the dressing room, they can try them on to figure out the size and then we can pretend we're buying them for you."

Duo sniffed. "It's still humiliating."

"At least you're not wearing them," Quatre said softly. "Heero is."

Duo sighed and suddenly looked so lost that it took every ounce of willpower Heero possessed to keep from hitting Quatre for distressing his baka. "He is, isn't he?"

Quatre smiled and patted the not-princess on the shoulder. "It will all work out, Duo. You'll see."

"I guess," Duo grumbled. He accepted the armful of clothes Quatre had sorted through and stomped off to the fitting rooms.

Trowa was already there, holding Wufei hostage in one of the dressing stalls. Quatre went in first with Heero bringing up the rear, death glaring helpful salesgirls into running out into the store to look for something a little less dangerous to do.

"Kisama! Injustice!"

"Wufei just found the pink dress you picked out." Duo grinned, suddenly liking this idea a lot.

"I was just getting it out of the way, Maxwell," Wufei growled. His bare arm stabbed through the curtain imperiously and snatched some of the clothing Quatre held.

Heero grunted and took the clothes Duo held into a changing room. He listened to Wufei's muttering, Quatre's praise of Trowa's assets, and Duo's occasional barely-stifled giggle while he pulled on a skirt and blouse torture device. Glaring in the mirror, he discovered that he'd have to go without the spandex shorts. They were clearly visible through the pale colored fabric. Instead, he settled his holsters on beneath the skirt and did his best to hide them within the folds of combed cotton. Once he was satisfied that the female rig was settled on his person as best as it was going to be, he hesitantly stepped through the curtain.

Duo looked up from the end of his braid when he stepped out. Trowa and Wufei were still in their respective dressing facilities and Quatre had taken up point position by the entrance to fitting rooms to keep others out. Heero tugged at the skirt and ducked his head a little when Duo smiled. "Can you see my holsters?"

Duo frowned thoughtfully and tapped his chin. Quatre smirked, but offered no opinion. "Turn around."

Heero obediently turned around.

"A little bit. Come here."

Heero stepped up to Duo and let his baka adjust his clothing. He tossed a glare at Quatre, who was pretending that he wasn't watching the two of them, then looked down at his baka's face. He promptly forgot everything. He forgot Quatre, he forgot the possibility of enemy attack, he forgot about salesgirls and roaming Oz patrols. He forgot he was wearing a skirt. His baka was concentrating heavily on the area around his crotch, adjusting the waistband and moving the hem of the blouse. His tongue was sticking out of the corner of his mouth, just a little bit. Heero remembered what that tongue felt like in his mouth. Duo's hand slid up the length of his thigh, paused, then did it again a little faster. A moment later his baka's palm was cupped around his bare butt cheek and his baka's wide eyes were staring directly into his. The front of the skirt twitched and began to stick out just a little.

Duo blinked. "I, um, need to adjust more stuff. Maybe we should go back in there so, um, we can, um, maintain some privacy?"


Duo smiled and tugged him into the dressing room. Duo dropped down onto the small stool, putting himself nearly eye level with Heero's groin, and went back to adjusting stuff. Heero decided that it was very pleasant to have his baka's hands wandering over his body. Duo leaned forward a little, resting his forehead on Heero's belly. His hands dropped to Heero's calves, where bare flesh met bare flesh. Heero couldn't stop the shiver that ran down his spine. Those hands moved, following the muscular curve of calf and then thigh, all the while pushing the hem of the skirt higher and higher. The fabric bunched in front, between Duo's wrists, slowly revealing more and more of Heero's legs. If his baka went any higher, skin that was usually covered in spandex would be bared for his baka to see. While he felt uncertain about exposing himself in such a public place, he thought that if his not-princess kept it up, he would be able to verify Heero's hungness status without much effort.

It was the oddest sensation he'd felt, now that he thought about it. In the past, the only time he'd ever had his penis grow harder was while wearing his shorts. He usually only bared it when it was fully hard, and never while standing with it dangling between his spread legs. The baka stopped moving his hands when they reached his hips. The skirt was pooled over his baka's forearms and his penis prodded at the material, just out of sight. Heero closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in an effort to control his breathing and his shaking knees. He could feel his baka's hot breath washing over the bare skin of his inner thighs. The flesh of his groin felt hotter with each breath and he could almost state with certainty that his baka was breathing along the underside of his penis. It felt so good. A few centimeters and a layer of cloth was all that separated his erection from his baka's mouth. Heero suddenly found it extremely difficult to breathe.


He blinked at the sound of his name, looking down into his not-princess's face.

"You're not wearing any underwear."

It was a ridiculous observation considering that the baka's fingers were brushing against the edges of his bare butt cheeks. He shook his head anyway.


There was a long pause while his baka stared into his eyes. He didn't particularly notice the expression in those eyes since the fingers tracing short sweeps on his buttocks and the simple fact that a twitch of his hips would put his erection into the baka's mouth held the majority of his attention.

"Can I see your cock?"

Liquid heat pooled in the organ under discussion. Could he see his cock? A stupid question, of course his baka could see his cock. "Hn."

The baka smiled then returned his gaze to Heero's crotch. Both of them held perfectly still, not daring to breathe, as his baka wrapped his fingers around the bunched fabric and pushed it upward to his waist.

The first thing he noticed was that the hot, moist exhalation from his not-princess was infinitely better against his penis, no, cock, than it was against his thighs. His baka licked his lips and leaned a bit closer, until his breath stirred the curls of hair along the base. Heero desperately wanted his baka to lick him. Duo licked his lips again, almost reflexively, and Heero couldn't stop the minute twitch of his hips. His cock, flopping briefly with the motion, rubbed along Duo's nose and cheek. Heero heard himself groan and watched his baka's eyes close. He didn't have to move again, Duo leaned into him, rubbing his face along the underside of his erection. Heero decided that this felt better than cleaning his gun. It even felt better than a successful ninmu kanryu.

Duo twisted his face, pressing his cheek against Heero's bare belly and touched his lips to the long shaft. Heero's knees quivered and he silently begged Duo to just open his mouth. Duo reached up, his fingers slipping around the base and tugging it gently away from his body. He nuzzled his way from mid-shaft to the head and Heero held his breath, hardly daring to move in fear that he would somehow scare Duo away and the most he'd feel would be that hot exhalation and those closed lips against his cock. His baka reached the very tip and ope--

The curtains suddenly jerked open. Heero was confronted with an enraged Wufei in a yellow sundress. "If I can't get any, you don't get any, either, Yuy. Maxwell, get out of here or you're wearing the dress."

"Wuffers," his baka whined, dropping both the skirt and Heero's penis. "I was having fun!"

"In case it has slipped your feeble mind, Maxwell, Oz would very much like to capture you and give you a uterus. You do not have time for this!"

"Yeeech." The not-princess leaped away from Heero. "We need to hurry, man, Wu-baby is right about this one." He squeezed past Wufei and disappeared into the store.

Wufei smirked at the tent Heero's erection made in his skirt. "Not bad, Yuy."

That evening....

His baka was chattering a mile a minute, but Heero's mind was working on more important things. He was currently engaged in a lengthy and furious debate with himself about outright asking if his penis met the not-princess's specifications. He had examined it rather minutely this afternoon so he should have been able to form an accurate opinion on Heero's hungness status. However, if he did ask about his hungness status, then it was possible that he would have inappropriately sized equipment and he would not have the opportunity to somehow correct it. He had several emails saved that promised that he could increase the size of his penis if it proved unsatisfactory. The question that he was debating was whether or not the not-princess would give him adequate time to make use of these resources should his penis be too small. He should have asked Zechs while he had the chance.

Thinking of Zechs led to another quandary. He had now witness sex twice and on both occasions there were three persons involved. Of course, the first time, he had to leave before Zechs and the stableboys could begin copulation. The second time, there was no mistaking that Khushrenada, Wufei, and Zechs were copulating. Zechs had dismounted and settled on the bed to enjoy the entire episode with his erection still wet from Wufei's body. Wufei hadn't been quite so accommodating. Heero had to physically remove Wufei from Treize and Wufei had been vocally less than pleased about it. Heero had been forced to calm Wufei with a nerve pinch. Treize required a bit more subduing and it hadn't bothered Heero in the least to punch the man in the jaw. De-cuteizing his butt, just in case, had been something of a pleasure.

None of this changed the simple fact that three people were apparently required to actually consummate the sexual act. Additional proof came in the form of the aborted attempts to copulate that Trowa and Quatre had engaged in on the couch in the entertainment room. They had only two people involved and hadn't managed to actually get the deed done.

Heero found this confusing, of course, because all of the things he'd read about sexual intercourse indicated that only two sets of genitalia were actually required. Certainly that's all that appeared necessary in Baron J's romance novels. Of course, those incidences applied to copulation between a male and a female. Sex between males was decidedly different in nature by simple necessity. In any case, it was always best to have all contingencies covered when making a plan.

He eyed Quatre and Trowa riding side by side and quietly talking. While, of the others, he would prefer Trowa simply for the man's uncommon good sense, Trowa was a part of an established couple. Quatre was equally unsuitable for the same reason. That left Wufei. While Wufei was the most likely participant as the third for Quatre and Trowa's sexual intercourse sessions, he didn't appear to be emotionally involved. Quite frankly, Heero couldn't picture either Quatre or Trowa squished between Treize and Zechs without the other.

Heero narrowed his eyes and watched Wufei primly ride his gundam toward the school. Wufei was not without his good points. He was strong, loyal, and intelligent. Moreover, he could be counted on in a fight and had superior tactical skills. Perhaps they outweighed the drawbacks of his excitability and seeming dislike of Duo. While not as suitable as Trowa for the position as their third, Wufei would still work better than anyone else on the planet that he could think of. Except, perhaps, for Zechs.

Zechs was a definite possibility. He certainly knew what he was doing in the bedroom. Despite Duo's acquired knowledge from various pornographic sources, he was still inexperienced. Heero knew very little about sex. Zechs was not only knowledgeable, he was more inclined to be selfless in deed than Wufei had shown himself. Heero would like very much if their third would have a strong interest into taking care of Duo. He knew Zechs would, but he didn't have the same reassurance of precedence with Wufei. Wufei did make a habit of throwing the not-princess into the moat.

"Was their something you required, Yuy?" Wufei was glaring at him in consternation.

Heero glared back. "Not at the moment."

"Then cease staring. It is disconcerting."

"He can't help it, Wuffie, you're such a pretty girl."

"Baka," Heero said, "I wasn't thinking that."

Wufei bristled. "You think me ugly, Yuy?"

"I was thinking about Zechs," Heero snapped. Wufei immediately flushed and stared off in the other direction.

"Zechs?" Duo sounded put out.


Duo sniffed. "Fine, you bastard. Think about your precious Zechs all you want. I have better company to keep!" Duo twitched the reins and sent Deathscythe to walk on the other side of Shenlong.

"Get your perverted beast away from my Shenlong!" Wufei snapped.

Neither Deathscythe nor Shenlong appeared be concerned about Wufei's delicate sensibilities. In fact, they wandered along, side by side, as moon faced as Trowa and Quatre were with each other.

"I can't help it if they like each other, man. Jeez, just because you're a total prude virgin doesn't mean everything else has to be. Besides, wouldn't it be cool to have a little baby gundam? We could call it Deathlong or Shenscythe! You could be a grandpa." To Heero's ears, the baka's chattered sounded forced.

Wufei took the opportunity to slip into a justice rant.

Heero frowned and watched the two ride side by side. While he might prefer Zechs to be their third, Duo obviously preferred Wufei. It would make things simpler, of course, since Wufei was available and Zechs was not. Wufei's prudish mannerisms would have the additional bonus of making Heero appear a lot less inexperienced than Zechs' knowledge would. He did not, under any circumstances, want Duo to find him lacking as a sex partner. Watching Duo grin at Wufei, Heero decided that he would tell his baka that his choice of their third partner was fine with him. He would also ask what was wrong with Zechs so he did not make the same mistakes that Zechs did. He didn't want to find himself on his baka's bad side. It would make having sex difficult.

Later that evening than late that evening....

They left their gundams in the care of the stable hands and made their way to the registrar's office. It was really late at night, when most schools refused to inprocess new students, but this school made an exception for these five. Duo and Quatre were placed in a room together in the boys wing. Wufei, Heero, and Trowa were likewise able to share a room. Heero's hacking skills made the school incredibly accommodating. Naturally, the person in charge of room assignments had no difficulties displacing students who were already in those rooms on the say so of the computer. After all, the computer's word was sacred and moving a student out of the way was much simpler than changing room assignments.

As soon as they'd all put away their belongings and played rock, paper, scissors for the beds, Wufei immediately went into the adjoining bathroom and cleaned his face of make-up. He peered at his teeth, then glared at Heero and slammed the door shut. A moment later, the sounds of a bath being run reached Heero's ears. Trowa had simply stripped and climbed into his own bed. Within moments, he was asleep.

Heero waited for a few minutes, debating whether or not to prepare for bed or turn on the laptop. He heard the squeak of flesh on porcelain as Wufei climbed into the water, then chose to get ready for bed. He sat on his mattress and watched Trowa's steady breathing for a moment. He estimated that he had at least fifteen minutes before Wufei could reasonably finish his ablutions and decided that it was enough time.

Settling into a comfortable position, he cracked open his locked briefcase and pulled out his treasure almost reverently. There, in his naked, bound glory, was Duo. With a shaking hand, Heero thumbed through the pages of SHIT Monthly to find his favorite pictures of his baka. He vastly preferred pictures that had the baka by himself or with a single person that he could pretend was himself.

Duo looked incredibly good naked.

on to chapter 16

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