Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 11 - Nothing Says I Love You Like a Blow Job
Heero had spent the better part of the morning stuck in the Princess Relena's nauseatingly pink bedroom with the nauseatingly pink dressed Princess Relena in order to learn how to woo the baka. The very baka who had promised to save him from this, as that very baka put it, Pepto Bismol fate worse than death. Heero was not happy.
The Princess Relena had lectured for two hours before abruptly deciding that Heero would benefit from what she called "hands on experience" and booted the lingering Horde out of the room. His task was to pretend to be himself--he couldn't believe she actually said that--and pretend that the Princess Relena was his baka. After that, he was apparently to engage in kissing. There were very few things Heero could think of that he'd rather do less than kiss the Princess Relena, waxing Baron J's back while he wore a string bikini, for example, would be preferable to kissing the Princess Relena. Even if Baron J was the man responsible for ordering him to take "love lessons" from the Princess Relena.
"Heero, you can't kiss me from way over there. Don't be silly, my love, you can't expect to woo your beloved princess when you're crouched under the desk and pointing a gun." The Princess Relena beamed at him and patted the pink quilt beside her. "Come sit with me."
Heero thumbed the hammer back on the Desert Eagle and shook his head.
"No need to be so shy, my love," she purred. "Don't worry, I'll find a way for us to be together."
Heero planned to self-destruct in the event of such an occurrence.
She gave him what she probably thought was a sultry come-hither look and trailed her fingers along the bed. "Come here, love, I have a--"
Pounding on the door followed by several feminine squeals of distress cut her off. The Horde. The Princess Relena gave the door a blistering glare that would have terrified a dragon into submission. "What?"
"Princess! They're asking for Sir Heero in the great hall!" One of the Horde squealed. Did they have to squeal constantly? It was annoying. It was even more annoying than having his not-princess ask him if they were there yet ten times every three seconds before yelling badly acted lines from Hamlet.
"Princess Duo has run away!" another squealed.
Heero was outraged. The baka had left without him? The baka had left him to the clutches of the Pink Menace? If he had run away, why would--wait one. If the not-princess had escaped, it was Heero's mission to rescue him again. Heero crawled out from beneath the desk. He didn't ease the hammer down and holster his gun until he was safely away from the Princess Relena.
Thirty minutes later....
Heero swung aboard Wing and set off toward the old castle by the mountains. Hopefully the baka would be waiting for him so they could go there together. He should have known that his not-princess would come through for him. The not-princess hadn't come to slay the Princess Relena and carry him off into the sunset on his fiery war-steed as the books indicated such rescues should be accomplished, but Heero would take what he could get at this point. This would be even better, he decided. He could continue to research sex at his own pace without Baron J ordering him to do things that were unacceptable. Additionally, the not-princess wouldn't be anywhere near Treize-baby. Winner would, no doubt, be enthusiastic in helping Heero keep the not-princess away from Barton and his flexibility. Since he now knew that the not-princess thought that his butt was cute, all that was left was to discover was if he were adequately hung. Apparently, to accomplish this, he would have to get an erection and take off his pants in front of the not-princess. While modesty had not been a part of his training, he was oddly reluctant to do so. He was in the midst of debating the merits of modesty when he topped a hill and found the not-princess, on a large, black horse, waiting for him at the bottom.
"Heya Heero. 'Bout time you got here. What took you?"
"The guards took their time deciding that your escape was bad and should be reported."
"Oh." Duo scrunched up his nose and scratched his head. "Hope you don't mind heading back to Wuffie's. It was the best I could do on short notice."
"It's a good idea."
Duo looked at him, his eyes wide. "Really?"
"You're not just saying that?"
Duo gave him a little smile. "Most people think I'm stupid and kinda worthless."
Heero frowned. "You're not worthless, Duo Maxwell. You mean so much to me."
Duo's eyes got even bigger.
"When we met, during the war, I was the Perfect Soldier. I had no emotions. Doctor J, he trained me to be without emotions. Emotions are for the weak and I wasn't allowed to be weak. He beat me. He used drugs. I had to watch Pokemon reruns. I was tortured. I was a little boy, raised to be an assassin, first by an assassin and then by a sadistic scientist. I was trained to be a killer and I've never been good for anything else." Heero took a deep breath, his intense, burning, vulnerable yet steely with a will of fire tempered by a lonely heart, prussian blue eyes pleading with Duo for understanding.
Duo stared, his gorgeous, vibrant, amethyst, jewel-like, gently understanding eyes quivering with the intense, burning, vulnerable yet steely with a will of fire tempered by an equally lonely hearted need.
"And then, on my first mission, I was supposed to blow a bunch of Leos. One of them fell the wrong way and killed a little girl and her dog. I have nightmares about them every night. The little girl was the first one to ever give me a gift. And her sweet little puppy. Oh, Duo, I can't see a brown dog and not have nightmares. I murdered them! I killed before, but never like that. Never an innocent, never a pretty little girl and her sweet little puppy. Doctor J, when I told him of my guilt and my bad feelings, gave me retraining. Emotions are weak and they compromise the mission.
"And then I met you, on the beach. You shot me, twice, and all I could think was how beautiful you were and how full of life you were. Your eyes, your beautiful hair, your heart-shaped face. I saw your true colors, shining through. I saw your true colors, that's why I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you, even though you shot me. Twice. With a .45. And saved Relena. And when she threw herself between us, to stop you from killing me, oh, Duo, all I could think of was how much I loved you and how much I wanted to be with you. Every moment made me weaker. I knew you could save me from the man that I'd become. Looking back at the things I've done, I've played a part and kept you in the dark. I wanted to show you the shape of my heart. Sadness was so beautiful, loneliness was so tragical. I couldn't win the war, every moment made me weaker. Only you could save me from the man I'd become. I'd never felt like that before. I'd been an emotional void and I didn't even know I'd been waiting for someone to love until you came along.
"Throughout the war, you were always there, teaching me to be human. Teaching me to feel. I was terrified of revealing my secret love for you. I was terrified of losing the most important thing in my life, you. Your friendship, your fire, your love of life. I was afraid you'd reject me. I looked forward to all of those missions with you at the schools so I could spend time basking in the glory that is you even as I lay on my bed at night, pining for your life-giving love. When I was with you, I could feel the magic in the air. Being with you got me that way. I could see the sunlight dance across your face and I was swept away. All you had to do was breathe and I could feel it washing over me. It was like I was melting into you. You taught me to be a human and my love for you only grew. Every time I told you to shut up I was secretly telling you that I love you. I would watch your beautiful sleeping face just to be close to you. Oh, my precious love, if only you knew how much I wanted to tell you of my love for you, but I was so afraid that you'd hate me. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing disgust or hate for me in your beautiful amethyst eyes. You were my glorious Shinigami and I had to spend every moment secretly loving you that I could. It was like an addiction. But I was afraid, so I held onto my silence and loved you from afar.
"Oh, Duo! If only I could have told you then, we wouldn't have wasted all of these years apart. You complete me. If only I'd had the courage, my love!" Heero sniffled, tears pouring down his cheeks, glistening in the late morning sun. "You, my love, you taught me to be human. You taught me how to feel. You taught me to be a friend. You taught me to love."
Duo's jaw dropped all the way. "Uh...."
Heero glared at the not-princess in pure malice. "That's what I spent the morning doing."
Duo blinked. "Huh?"
"I spent the morning locked in a room with the Princess Relena and half of the Horde. I barely fended them off with a combination of small arms fire and hand-to-hand techniques while the Horde made up that. You could have let me know you were escaping so I could have escaped with you!" Was he yelling? He never yelled. Yelling accomplished nothing unless one couldn't be heard otherwise.
Duo rolled his eyes. "Trust the Horde to come up with something like that. I'm a teenaged male. Nothing says I love you like a blow job."
Heero wasn't done glaring, so he filed away the question of what a blow job was for later. He gritted his teeth to keep himself from upgrading from Defcon Yell to Defcon Shout. "You left me in the clutches of the Horde!"
Duo glared back. "Like you never left me in the clutches of the Horde. Who's the knight in shiny armor here? Huh? Who's the fucking damsel in distress? Figure it the fuck out, Yuy. You're supposed to save my goddamned ass from the Horde, not the other way around."
Heero's glare grew positively malevolent. "I'll rescue you when you need to be rescued, not when you want to be rescued. That's the mission."
"You and your precious mission!" Duo bellowed. "My gundam can kick your gundam's ass!"
"And what does that have to do with anything?" Heero bellowed back.
They both froze, eyes locked on each other.
As one, they looked at the crest of the hill to see the Princess Relena in her pink riding habit sitting on top of a long-suffering, pink horse with pink ribbons woven into every spare length of hair it owned. They both promptly kicked their horses into an all out run.
"Heeeeeeeeero! Wait my love!"
A day and a half later....
Heero and his baka slowly rode toward the old castle in the early evening. It hadn't taken them that long to lose the Princess Relena, but they hadn't slowed down much, just to be on the safe side. Her pink palfrey just didn't have the power that the gundams had. They hadn't stopped, instead they slept in the saddle and kept moving. The portcullis was up and the drawbridge down, so they simply rode into the bailey. Heero felt a sudden relief to be there.
"Duo!" Quatre shouted in obvious delight.
"Maxwell? You're back? Yuy! What is the meaning of this injustice!?" Wufei shouted in obvious outrage.
Trowa just sauntered forward to take the horses.
"Ol' Wuffie-pooh is gonna think injustice if Relena follows you all the way here." Duo whispered with a chortle. Heero didn't think it was amusing in the least.
"I have fulfilled the rescue portion of the mission," Heero said flatly. "So we have returned."
"You were not supposed to return!" Wufei protested. "Did you marry him?"
Heero glared. "No."
"Hey, Tro, careful with my buddy Deathscythe here, he's a little cranky most of the time," Duo said cheerfully. "Kind of like Spandex Boy, only with bigger teeth."
Trowa gave Duo an amused almost smile, then took off with the horses. Deathscythe didn't seem to have the slightest problem with Trowa. Deathscythe had a serious problem with Heero. The horse had kicked at, bitten at, and attempted to run over Heero every time Heero was on the ground. If his own horse hadn't had such a problem with it, Heero would have stayed aboard to urinate. Naturally, the baka found his impromptu war with the horse to be incredibly amusing. As Trowa led the horse into the stable, Heero could have sworn the thing looked over its shoulder and grinned at him.
"You must leave immediately, Maxwell!" Wufei was yelling. "You cannot get married here!"
"I'm not getting married, Wuffer-diddles."
Wufei turned his full-force glare on Heero. "Why did you bring that idiot back here? You promised to take him away!"
Heero nodded once, curtly. "I did take him away. I did not say I would not bring him back. My mission is to woo the not-princess. I cannot do so at Peacemillion."
Duo elbowed him sharply. "Hey! I thought we settled this whole wooing bullshit."
"I will continue to woo you. Once we have sex and determine the outcome of the marry mission, I will cease wooing you as it will no longer be necessary."
"What if I don't wanna be wo--hey, wait just a goddamned minute. What if I don't wanna have sex with you? You never frickin asked my opinion on that, you know!"
Wufei's face contorted in a mixture of shock and horror, then sidled into confusion. He abruptly shook his head and twisted his face into the shock, horror, and then confusion expression again. He prodded his nose with his fingers, muttering under his breath in Cantonese.
"You want to have sex with me. You were humping me in the men's room," Heero stated.
Wufei's face did the shock, horror, and confusion expression thing, shortly followed by irritation and another nose prod. His cursing shifted to Mandarin.
Duo glared at Heero. "Just because I was getting off on your tongue down my throat and your hand squeezing my ass doesn't mean I want to have sex with you!"
Wufei pulled a toothpick out of a pocket and resolutely slapped on the shock and horror expression. He stuck the toothpick into his right nostril, which promptly began to nosebleed. "Injustice!" he shouted, after hiding the toothpick. He threw his arms around wildly. "Kisama, Maxwell! You will justly cease with this injustice! It's unjust!"
"You didn't seem to have a problem with it when you said you didn't want to marry me because you wanted to have sex with me!" Heero was losing his patience and there didn't seem to be anything he could do to hold onto it.
"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Spandex Boy! I said I wanted to fuck Wu-Stud, too!"
"Injustice!" Wufei roared.
"You will not test your theories on Chang's closet homosexuality on Chang!" Heero bellowed.
Wufei sighed and stuck the toothpick into his left nostril for a second nosebleed. He carefully stuffed the toothpick back into his pocket, then cleared his throat and thumped his chest with his fist. The shock and horror expression came back then he added a little bit of righteous indignation and a touch of embarrassment to the mix. "Injustice! Maxwell, I will justly cut off your unjust braid! This is unjust! It's injustice!"
Duo abruptly grinned. "You're so adorable when you're jealous!"
Heero gave Duo his most vicious glare. "Baka."
Quatre slapped his hand over his mouth, but that didn't stop the giggles from breaking through. Trowa handed a rag to Wufei and took up an amused position behind Quatre.
Wufei held the rag to his nose and shut his eyes in a long-suffering manner. "How long," he frowned, then unsuccessfully shifted his tone to something that sounded a bit more defeated, "are you planning on staying here?"
Heero blinked. "How long does it take to have sex?"
"Injustice!" Wufei turned on his heel and stomped into the war room.
Quatre and Duo exchange amused looks, then burst into laughter.
A little while later....
Heero locked his eyes on his not-princess who appeared to be relaxed and enjoying himself for the first time since they left the old castle. He was grinning with absolute glee and hadn't tried to dump his dinner all over his dress once. Heero did not permit the sight of his baka laughing about Peacemillion residents with Quatre to distract him from his planned interrogation. "Baka, why do I have to get an erection and remove my pants in order to find out what I am hung like and you were able to determine what that idiot knight was hung like by feel through both your clothing and his?"
Wufei spit his drink out all over the table.
The baka blinked once, then settled in to stare at Heero fixedly.
"You don't have to take your pants off. Just rub your erection against him hard enough to let him feel it," Trowa said blandly, then stuck a carrot in his mouth. The blase crunch-crunch was the only sound in the war room for a few moments.
"Shit, Heero, you ask the damndest questions sometimes," the not-princess said with a shake of his head.
"Hn." Heero privately wondered how to go about getting an erection so he could find out the status of his hungness so he could then plan the have sex mission accordingly. From the information he possessed, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to have sex with the not-princess if he were hung like a hamster. The not-princess appeared to bigoted as far as the size in which one was hung. Heero really, really wanted to have sex.
Quatre giggled and Wufei patted his pockets to confirm the presence of his toothpick.
"Anyway," Duo said, turning to Quatre again, "ol' Bionic J and G-man were sitting there, making goo-goo eyes at each other all the while J is lecturing Howie. Can you imagine anyone thinking you can actually lecture Howie and get through to him? J keeps it up and Howard's gonna pull his face out of Dorothy's cleavage and kick his ass. I get my kick assyness from Howie. Those two should just bone and get it over with."
Quatre frowned. "I thought King Howard and Dorothy were--"
Duo laughed. "I mean J and G."
Quatre looked instantly green and threw some falafel at Duo. "Eewww, that's an image I could have done without!"
Heero furrowed his brow. Bone. Clean his gun naked. His brow furrowed even more. "Baron J does not have a gun."
The baka blinked, a sort of herbivorous blankness washing over his face.
"You stated that bone means to clean your gun naked. Baron J does not have a gun. I did not verify if King's Advisor G possessed a gun or not. It was not necessary."
The not-princess sighed and slumped in his seat. "Jokes are so not funny if you have to explain them, Spandex Boy."
Speaking of explanations. "What is a blow job? You stated that nothing says I love you like a blow job."
"Yuy! That is enough of this injustice!"
The baka grinned. "Injustice is Wuffie's code word for let's have some kinky-hot, man to man sex. He's obsessed."
"Maxwell!" Wufei roared, leaping after the baka. Duo did the herbivorous blankness for a heartbeat, then bolted from the room, screaming, with an irate Wufei chasing him.
"A blow job is oral sex, when someone, male or female, licks and sucks on a man's penis," Trowa stated. "Please pass the butter."
"The penis sucking activity is called a blow job?" This made absolutely no sense. "Why is it called a blow job if you are sucking, shouldn't it be called a suck job?"
Quatre grinned. "Maybe because getting one blows your mind."
Duo's shrieking abruptly cut off with a splash.
Quatre sighed, and headed for the front gate to let the baka in. Trowa shook his head. "You would think that after a year and a half he would learn not to bait Wufei."
Heero decided that he wanted a blow job. He wasn't sure if he would be able to coax the baka into obliging him, but he could do nothing but try. In order to accomplish his new mission, Mission Blow Job, he would have to secure the not-princess's cooperation. The not-princess had a preference in penis size, so he would have to verify that his penis fit within specs. In order to do that, he would have to get an erection. He had gotten them before, but never on command. "How would I get an erection?"
Wufei, who was in the midst of sitting down, yanked out his toothpick. Heero could hear him muttering, "Why do I always have to be the virginal prude?"
Trowa paused in buttering his bread. "Excuse me?"
"How would I get an erection? I need to verify my hungness status."
Trowa very carefully put the butter knife down and steepled his fingers. "You could ask Duo to give you a blow job."
Heero shook his head. "The not-princess has specific size requirements. I am unable to verify that I meet these requirements."
"I, er, see," Trowa stated. "Have you tried masturbation?"
"Is it effective?"
Trowa smiled a small smile. "Extremely. I understand that Duo is an expert in the field. You should ask him for advice."
Heero nodded. "Zechs Marquise provided a twenty minute practical demonstration on masturbation."
Trowa's mouth dropped open.
Wufei's eyes bulged. "You got to watch Zechs jack off and you don't know anything about sex?"
Heero shifted in his seat. "It was covert reconnaissance."
"You know Zechs?" Trowa asked.
Wufei abruptly blushed from head to toe. "I must worship Nataku."
"That means he's going to jack off!" Duo yelled after the rapidly disappearing Wufei.
"Duo, why do you always smell like a wet dog whenever you get out of the moat?" Quatre whined, dropping into his chair.
"It's a stinky moat. Wuffie hasn't had the pool boy out since he caught us playing Prince and his Pool Boy under the drawbridge."
"Pool boy?" Heero was rather proud of his steady, calm tone.
"You're growling again, Heero," Duo sighed. "Felt like he had a nice cock and he was kinda ticklish. He was cute."
Heero's eyes narrowed. "Where can I find this pool boy?"
"He lives in--wait a minute. Why do you want to find the pool boy?"
"I wish to see him."
Nothing would make Heero admit that he planned to make sure that the pool boy was no longer cute. He glared at the not-princess. "I am interested in pools."
Duo grinned. "God, you're cute when you're insanely jealous."
"I am not jealous, insanely or otherwise!" Heero put on his best promise of instant death glare. He dipped his voice into that low, harsh growl that made Baron J's men at arms pee their pants. "And I am not cute!"
Quatre wisely stuffed some bread in his mouth to stifle his giggles.
Duo clapped his hands together and smiled at Heero. "Kawaii!"
Trowa picked up his bread and the butter knife. "You should give him a blow job, Duo."
Duo started choking. Heero turned the instant death glare on Trowa. Did he not realize that not all mission parameters had been properly researched? Mission Blow Job could not commence without proper data!
Trowa was apparently as immune to the death glares as Duo. The man's face didn't move a muscle, but Heero knew he was smirking.
Heero glowered. "I require more research."
Quatre cocked his head to the side. "Research? Maybe we can help!"
Heero stared at Quatre recalled that the boy was familiar with units of measure necessary to properly size a penis. He could feasibly discover if his penis fit the not-princess's specifications without having to consult the not-princess.
Quatre squirmed in his chair and inched closer to Trowa. "Uh, maybe you should just ask Duo."
His baka sniffed and slouched in his chair. "Whattaya need research for anyway? Blow jobs are easy to understand. Open mouth, insert boner."
"I must verify that my equipment is up to spec," Heero said without the long-suffering sigh that was creeping up from his toes.
The baka blinked at him. "Your equipment? Spec?"
Trowa outright smirked for a fifth of a second. "Say, Duo, what sort of equipment do you prefer anyway? Long and thick? Short and stubby? Hook to the left? Cut or uncut? Shaved?"
Duo grinned. "Not too long, not too short, and just big enough around."
Heero frowned; that was no help at all. "What size is not too long, not too short, and just big enough around in centimeters?"
"I'm not a size queen, if that's what you're asking," Duo sniffed, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at his plate. He sounded almost hurt.
Heero decided that he did not need to know what a size queen was or why Duo thought Heero had applied that label to him. "No. I am asking what size of penis you prefer in centimeters. Your previous response was too vague to apply to mission parameters."
"Uh...." Duo's eyes dropped to the table in front of Heero.
"It is a simple matter for me to verify that my penis is within required specifications if I am aware of what those specifications are."
Duo licked his lips. "Well, I, uhm, don't know."
The not-princess turned red for a moment, then narrowed his eyes and leaped to his feet, fists clenched in rage. "I don't have to answer to you!"
"He's never seen anyone's penis but his own before," Quatre said when the echoes from the yelling died down.
"Quatre!" Duo leaned over the table and smacked his friend on the side of his head.
"Well it's true."
"It is not!"
Quatre sniffed. "Porn doesn't count."
Duo dropped back into his chair and muttered.
"Why is it necessary to have seen one before? He seems knowledgeable enough to have developed preferences." Heero did not like to be confused. He liked being confused only slight more than he like Treize-baby and this pool boy individual.
"Well, it's sort of one of those things. You can't tell if a penis is going to be right for you until you've, er, held it." Quatre turned a delicate shade of pink.
Heero frowned, thinking about that. "Rather like a weapon."
"You can't really tell which you prefer until you shoot."
Duo blinked twice, in quick succession, then stuffed his braid in his mouth to muffle the belly laughs that were trying to work their way explosively through his nose. Trowa out right chuckled, his eye twinkling and his lips drawn into a grin that looked more at home on Duo's face. Quatre turned beet red. "Oh my."
"What?" This was getting to be very irritating.
Quatre's blush deepened. "Well, see, it's like this. Shoot is, um well--"
"What was that?" Trowa looked off toward the front of the castle, eye wide.
Heero and Duo stared at each other in shock.
"Yuy? What is the meaning of this?" Wufei, yanking at his pants, stomped into the war room. "Is that howling creature calling your name an onna?"
All the blood drained from Heero's face.
Duo cringed. "Worse. It's Relena."