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Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 10 - Wedding Cake Is the Anti-Viagra
by Muffie

"I'm still saying that it was fireworks, Dirty Harry," Duo said, sticking his nose in the air and wrinkling it. Heero sorted through his list of adjectives and decided on adorable and sexy.

"I emptied a clip into the door, baka."


Heero just flicked his eyes toward the not-princess and tried to keep the amusement out of his expression.

"I think I'm really getting into the smell of gun oil." Duo draped himself more comfortably over Heero's shoulders, his breath sweeping along the side of Heero's neck. At first, it had been uncomfortable, but then he'd thought about direct connections, penis, and Duo's flesh and it had been uncomfortable in a whole new way that he never wanted to end. "God, who knew you could kiss like that? You licked the inside of my eyeballs and turned my knees into oatmeal and turned me into a big puddle of Duo-goo."


"You said we could do it again. We should do it now. C'mon, you don't wanna waste time cleaning your gun when you could be sucking face, right?"

Sucking face?

"I could suck on your tongue and you could grunt. We'd both be happy."

"I have to maintain my weapon. It's important to clean it once it has been discharged."

"How about you maintain your weapon and I'll maintain your gun."

Heero thought about that. He turned it around in his mind, poking at it with a stick, and tried to force it to make sense in some way. Mission failed. "Baka."

Duo licked his neck. "Yeah, you can't get enough of me."

Heero put the solvent away and picked up the gun oil. "You have a cute butt."

Duo growled and threw himself bodily across the room, landing on the bed with a huff of glowering disgust. "I'm not marrying you."

Heero had spent part of his morning deep in research. He was nothing if not thorough. The various magazines he'd appropriated from the rooms of one Zechs Marquise had been only somewhat informative with pictorial essays on such things as eye contact while opening your mouth, spreading butt cheeks, and standing around naked with your head thrown back and an idiotic, gape-mouthed expression on your face. Heero had returned the magazines and had been systematically searching the room for more informative material when Marquise had returned with two giggling stable boys. Marquise had been kind enough to provide a twenty minute practical demonstration on jacking off while the stable boys had provided a practical demonstration on licking. Heero noted that licking was a very thorough sort of activity before Marquise joined the two on the bed. Unfortunately, Heero had an appointment to clean his guns with Duo and could not remain for the practical demonstration on sucking. He made a mental to note to interrogate Marquise on the issue later.

"Are you even listening to me?" the not-princess demanded in a princess shriek.


"Aaargh!" The not-princess's sudden facial contortions somewhat resembled the expressions on the faces of the men in Marquise's magazines, but did not seem to match Marquise's when the two stable boys had attached their mouths to his penis.

That was an interesting thought. He had skipped out on both sexual education and the all night pornographic movie sessions that Baron J's men at arms had engaged in so his sexual knowledge was limited to the two kisses he'd shared with Duo and what he'd seen this morning. The penis sucking activity wasn't something he wished to do himself. Heero's eyes flicked to where the not-princess was now sprawled on his bed cheerfully mumbling death threats. Heero thought about direct connections, penis, and his baka. He abruptly decided to rephrase himself. The penis sucking activity wasn't something he wished to do without the not-princess.

The question that remained to be answered was did he wish to suck on the not-princess's penis or did he prefer to have the not-princess suck on his penis?

He frowned, returning his eyes to the gun oil and the pistol parts. It seemed to be such an unsanitary activity. Why would a man want to put his mouth on another man's urinary equipment? While he was aware of biological functions such as erections, it had not previously occurred to him to put an erection together with a mouth. It was obviously a pleasurable activity if Marquise's howls of encouragement were anything to go by, but it wasn't something he could imagine. He surreptitiously eyed the cursing baka on his bed and considered that mouth sucking on his penis. That thought shot straight to his groin and made it twitch. Apparently his not-princess had an indirection connection to his penis as well.

Would the not-princess suck on his penis? Or would the not-princess demand that Heero suck on his penis? Heero, unaccustomed as he was to indecisiveness, didn't think he could put his mouth on the not-princess's penis. It was unsanitary. Perhaps if the not-princess thoroughly washed it first. Of course, he was a soldier and he was accustomed to doing many things that were unsanitary. If he treated it as a mission, he would perform his duty without qualm. Would the not-princess find the idea of sucking on his penis distasteful? Heero was mission oriented, but the baka didn't seem to have any capabilities with logical thinking.

Calmly, he ducked the pillow the now shouting baka had flung his way. "Goddammit Heero! Quit ignoring me you psychopathic obsessive compulsive bastard!"

He decided that he would very much like to find out what it was like to have the not-princess suck on his penis.

"I am not interested in your theories on Chang Wufei's closet homosexuality, baka. You will not be testing those theories on Chang, either."

Duo gaped at him. "You were listening?"

"If you are interested in testing theories on homosexuality, you will only do so with me. Is that understood?"

The not-princess turned red and curled around himself on the bed. Today's dress, something sea green with sprigs of daisies on it, was rucked up around the not-princess's waist. Heero found himself thinking about sucking on the not-princess's penis all of the sudden.

"You want to test out homosexuality with me?" The baka sounded mystified by that.

Instead of reminding his baka about last night's kiss in the men's room, Heero just grunted.

"Hey, wait a minute. I'll test out homosexuality with anyone I want, Spandex Boy. I'm the fucking princess here and I don't belong to you."

Heero glared at the barrel in his palm. The baka was his. "You agreed to be rescued by me. You're mine."

Duo leaped to his feet, his fingers curled into fists. "I'm not marrying you, Yuy!"


"God! Talking to you is like talking to a fucking brick wall!" The not-princess shook his fist in Heero's direction, then stomped out of the room.

Heero decided that the wooing had gone rather well this morning.

Lunch time again....

Heero skipped the beginning of lunch to knock on Marquise's door. The blonde man opened the door, wearing nothing but a throw pillow held carefully in front of him. "What?"

"I have questions," Heero said abruptly.

The man stared at him for a moment, then started to close the door.

"About sexual activities."

Zechs froze, his eyes widening a bit. "What kind of questions?"

"I require intelligence on the sucking on a penis activity."

"Intelligence?" Zechs echoed faintly.

Toward the end of lunch....

Duo sighed. This was boring. Treize had spent the first half of lunch complimenting him on his various charms as the man put it. Relena had alternately pouted and distracted Treize from flirting with Duo. Dorothy was p.o.'d at Howie again and spent her time alternately making Relena shriek and discussing hostile takeovers of various establishments in town and of neighboring kingdoms. Baron J ignored everyone in order to browbeat Howie over the marriage law. G, the asshole, spent his time alternately threatening Duo and attempting to cajole him into marrying Spandex Boy.

Speaking of, where the fuck was he anyway?

Back in Zechs' room....

Heero looked at Marquise dubiously, well, as dubiously as one can look without facial expression. "Are you sure?"

Back at lunch....

Duo avoided Treize's eyes yet again and wondered where Heero had got off to yet again. Sighing, he sucked the ketchup off of the end of his hot dog.

Back in Zechs' room....

Heero's eyes widened. "You can stick things in there?"

Back at lunch....

Duo groaned in frustration and dipped his hot dog in the ketchup on his plate. God, this was so boring. He swirled his tongue through the ketchup on the end of the hot dog.

Back in Zechs' room....

Heero blinked in astonishment at the blonde man who was nodding emphatically.

Back at lunch....

Duo held the end of his braid in front of his eyes with two fingers, casually inspecting each hair for split ends. With the fingers on his other hand, he absentmindedly slapped the end of his hot dog against his tongue. Maybe he should switch from ketchup to mayonnaise.

Back at Zechs' room....

Heero closed his mouth with a snap and thought through the intelligence he'd just been briefed on. Zechs smirked as if it were all some big joke. He nodded once, sharply. "Ninmu ryoukai."

A short while later....

Heero slipped into the main hall and paused in the shadows. His eyes narrowed and took in every nook and cranny of the place. No Princess Relena. He silently crossed the floor to the table where the Not-Princess Duo was hunched over his plate. He had his forehead braced on the palms of his hands and a hot dog dangling out of his mouth. He was, apparently, asleep. Heero felt a small smile tease at his lips. Only his baka would fall asleep while eating.

"Baka, wake up."

Duo snorted and nearly choked on the hot dog when he bit into it. "Heero? Where the hell have you been?"


"Research? On what?"

"Penis sucking."

Duo's jaw dropped open. The inside of his mouth wasn't his most attractive feature, Heero decided. Duo shook his head, as if to clear it. "I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say that you were researching penis sucking."

Heero nodded.

"Penis sucking."

Heero nodded again.

"Penis sucking."

Heero frowned and nodded.

"Penis sucking."

"Yes!" If he said it again, Heero was going to strangle him with his own braid.

"Why were you researching penis sucking?"

Heero glared. "I do not understand the appeal in that activity."

The baka was obviously fighting back a grin. His mouth twitched like a two year old on espresso and his eyes twinkled. "Do you understand its appeal now?"

Heero's glare deepened. "No. It seems to be an unsanitary activity to engage in."


For some reason, Heero felt the need to blush. "It is unsanitary to put your mouth on urinary equipment."

"Urinary equipment?"

Heero ground his teeth together. "Must you repeat everything I say, baka?"

The grin exploded on the not-princess's face. "You have an adorable way of putting things."

Heero gave his baka a death glare. He was a soldier. Soldiers were not adorable.

"Anyway, what'd you find out about this penis sucking activity of yours? Where did you do your research? I know this place is loaded with porn. Oh, yeah, do not get any ideas from Dorothy's porno collection. The woman is a totally off her rocker sadist. Most people aren't into that. Did you know that Tro can suck his own penis? I shit you not. I didn't believe it when Q told me, so I hid in their closet. Goddamn Q is a lucky son of a bitch. Tro is flexible. I mean flex-i-ble. Swear to God I didn't know his body could bend like that. 'Course, it doesn't hurt that he's hung like a horse. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Heero very carefully unfisted his hands. Satisfied that he appeared perfectly calm, he said, with a steady voice, "I'm flexible as well."


Ka--what? Heero frowned.

"You're so cute when you get all jealous and pout like that."

"Cute?" Heero was rather impressed with his matter-of-fact tone and the lack of expression on his face. "Jealous!"

"You're adorable when you growl."

Heero glared. "I am not jealous. I am not cute. I am not adorable. I am a soldier." Heero's growl alone had sent bigger men than the not-princess running in abject fear.

His baka grinned up at him, obviously not the least bit intimidated. "You're an adorably cute, jealous soldier."

Heero gritted his teeth and reminded himself that he was not permitted to shoot his not-princess. Not even a little bit. Just because he knew it would irritate his baka, he grunted. A very long measure of satisfaction poured through him as those eyes narrowed in distinct annoyance.

Duo poked him in the belly with a finger. "Lookie here, buddy, you're cute and that's final!"

Barton was hung like a horse and Heero was cute. He glowered at Duo.

Duo glowered back. "Well fuck, Spandex Boy, I have no idea what you're hung like. Don't get all pissy at me because you never dropped trou with a boner."

Heero felt the muscles in his face try to go slack and forced them into a glare. He'd said that out loud? Dropped tr-- "Dropped trou with a boner? Explain."

Duo rolled his eyes and flopped forward. The macaroni and cheese he hadn't eaten splattered along the dress. It was, Heero noted, no longer green. It didn't actually look like a dress anymore either. It was ripped and stained. There appeared to be any number of burns on part of it. It was a dullish gray with tiny beige splotches. The daisies.

"A boner is a colloquialism for an erect penis," Duo said slowly, as if lecturing on anthropology to a bunch of freshmen college football players. "Trou is a shortening of trousers. Dropped trou with a boner means dropping your pants while you have an erect penis."

While that made sense, the patronizing tone rubbed Heero the wrong way. "Colloquialisms," Heero said, coating his voice with sarcasm.

Duo threw his plate at him with a glare. "Watch it, Yuy."

Ducking the plate easily, Heero grunted.

Those funny colored eyes narrowed. "Oh you didn't."

Heero smirked.

"You bastard!" Duo threw himself at Heero. This time his aim was better. With a grunt, they both fell to the floor. Heero felt the jar of the stone through his back and shoulders while the not-princess landed comfortably on top of him. He didn't stay comfortable. Duo reared up, one hand braced on Heero's chest, the other one pulled back, curled into a fist. Heero caught it with a startled grunt before it connected with his face. Duo exploded in fury, yanking back his other fist. Heero caught the wrist before he could throw it. "Bastard!"


Eyes flashing pure fury, the not-princess shrieked in rage.

Heero decided he liked that and smirked again. Half a second later he had Duo's foot in his throat, shoving his head back and making it difficult to breathe. There was a knife point in his ribs, despite the hand he had clamped around that wrist. Heero was impressed. Another half a second later had the baka flat on his back, the hand holding the knife shoved to the stone floor above his head and one leg wrapped around Heero's waist. The other was pinned by Heero's thighs.

"You're flexible," Heero noted. "Are you hung like a horse as well?"

Duo grinned unrepentantly. "You know it, baby."

"I thought Treize was your baby."

Duo's grin widened. "Jealous much?"

Heero glared. "I'm not jealous."

"That's okay, buddy, you're cute when you're jealous."

Heero bared his teeth. "I'm not jealous."

Duo licked Heero's nose. "You're jealous and adorable."

His glare deepened. He was displeased with his baka, he was not going to allow notions of licking and kissing to get in the way of that. "I am a soldier."

"You're a jealous, adorable soldier with a cute butt."

The only thing Heero felt at the moment was acute frustration. "Then why won't you marry me!?"

Duo looked vaguely nonplused. "I don't wanna die a virgin."

Could the baka make sense at least once in his life? Did everything that came out of the boy's mouth have to be completely illogical with no thought to communication? "What?"

"Look, you get married, your gonads dry up. Wedding cake is the Anti-Viagra."

Heero tried to understand, he really did. "Would you please explain that in English?"

"God, you're dense. You get married and you quit having sex! Is that clear enough for you?"

Heero glared. "You don't have to shout."

"Well you just don't seem to get it." His baka had his face wrinkled up. It was adorable.

"If we married, we would not have sex?" Heero frowned, considering this. A week ago it wouldn't have mattered in the least. Sex wasn't something he considered mission essential so it wasn't something he considered doing. Now, however, with his baka wriggling around beneath him, sex was turning into one of the primary objectives to accomplishing the mission. Any mission. Even a mission that involved getting out of bed in the morning.

Duo nodded solemnly. "Yep."


Duo blinked. "You really mean that?"

Heero glared. "Baka. So you will not marry me because you want to have sex with me?"

Duo turned an interesting shade of red. "Well, yeah."

Heero nodded. "Acceptable."

Duo blushed deeper. "Yeah."

Later that evening....

Shortly after their moment in the great hall, the Horde had descended and hauled a kicking and screaming not-princess off to the showers. Heero was intensely interested in how they subdued him so easily with so little trouble. Chang would be furious to know that a handful of females had prevailed where he had failed. Duo was now a seething mass of not-princess in a light purple dress. It was in remarkably good condition considering that he'd been in it for over an hour. His hair was braided with a few strands dangling around his face and spilling down the front of his dress. They'd been curled by some enterprising female. Heero shuddered to think of forcing a hot iron of any sort around his not-princess when he wasn't willing to have it there. The not-princess was wearing another tiara, this one unbent, and a cross on a dainty gold necklace. If it wasn't for the I'm-gonna-murder-someone-heinously expression, he almost looked unhomicidal.

"You're looking especially lovely this evening, Princess Duo," Khushrenada said, sipping at his goblet. "What's put the blush in your cheeks?"

"I'm gonna fucking kill someone!" Duo roared.

"Duo!" the Princess Relena gasped. "Language, you uncouth peasant!"

Heero looked up from his plate and met his baka's furious eyes. "How?"

"Heero, my love, don't encourage her. She's such a heathen," the Princess Relena chided, leaning over to cut his steak up for him.

Duo grinned. "I'm gonna do it with a spoon and some fertilizer among other things."

"Fertilizer?" Dorothy frowned. "Do tell."

Interesting, the not-princess was familiar with explosives. Heero was impressed.

"How is the wooing coming along?" Khushrenada interrupted before Duo could launch into an explanation.

"He almost fucked me in the men's room," Duo said cheerfully.

"Wonderful!" King's Advisor G clapped. "You've been compromised. Ruined. Your reputation is sullied. You have to marry him now."

Heero glared at the long nosed idiot. He wasn't getting married until he knew whether or not he wanted to have sex. At the moment he did, but he wouldn't know that for certain until he actually had sex.

Duo glared at King's Advisor G, too. "I do not."

King's Advisor G matched him glare for glare. "Do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Children," Khushrenada said with gentle reproof. "I'm sure that the Princess's honor is intact."

"Yeah, no thanks to the fucking army," Duo growled, glaring at his plate.

"Duo! Language!" The Princess Relena leaned closer to Heero. "Ignore her, my prince, she's always been so common."

Heero ignored her. "Where did you learn about explosives, baka?"

Unaccountably, King's Advisor G ducked his head and blushed. Heero decided that this activity was far more pleasant on Duo than on King's Advisor G and far more pleasant on King's Advisor G than on the Princess Relena.

Duo grinned. "G-man taught me. You get him drunk and it's all about blowing the fuck out of everything. Yeah, we had us some fun!"

Heero permitted himself a very brief smile to let the baka know he was pleased with this information.

King's Advisor G glared at Duo.

"Fascinating," Khushrenada stated, smiling at Duo. "Princess Duo, I was down at the stables this afternoon and I've heard many stories about your horse. How is it that a lady such as yourself managed to tame what the stable hands call the demon?"

Duo grinned. "Deathscythe is the best horse ever." The grin faltered imperceptibly, then fixed itself firmly. "I missed him."

Heero grunted.

"Horses," Baron J snorted. He turned his goggle-glare on Heero. "When's the wedding 01?"

Heero stared back impassively. "Undetermined."

"Unacceptable," Baron J snapped. "Report."

"Progress has stalled."

Duo snorted. "More not like not gonna fuckin' happen!"

Baron J ignored that in favor of Heero. "Why?"

"Undetermined." This wasn't precisely a lie. Heero was still figuring out the sex thing, once he drew his conclusions, he could act on the marry mission.

"Unacceptable. You will redouble your efforts. I expect results quickly, 01."

Duo snorted. "Jeez, take a pill, Doczilla."

Doczilla. Heero very carefully did not giggle. "I am conducting research in courting. Intelligence is incomplete. Preliminary reconnaissance indicates that accepted courting practices are inapplicable in this mission. New techniques will have to be developed. This requires more research. The not-princess is not cooperative in this endeavor. This is detrimental to the ultimate success of the mission."

Duo batted his eyes at Heero. "Goddamn you turn me on when you talk like a brainless puppet."

Heero chose to ignore that. "I cannot guarantee swift results."

The Princess Relena decided that it would be appropriate to giggle and press herself against Heero. He leaned away from her, but any farther and he would fall off the chair and into Dorothy's lap. The bodice of her dress was made of black chain mail. At this juncture, he could not tell which would be worse.

"That blonde twit seems to know something about this sort of thing," Baron J grunted, glaring at the Princess Relena. "Have you interrogated her?"

"No," the Princess Relena giggled. "I would be soooo happy to share information with my Heero."

What had Duo said when he'd read that letter from that idiot knight? Oh yes, Heero suddenly felt like he'd been slobbered on. He eased a composed expression across his face and looked at Duo. Duo smiled, a genuine smile. "I'll save you," he mouthed silently.

on to chapter 11

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