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Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 9 - Smokin' in the Boy's Room
by Muffie

It was fascinating. Astonishing. Stupid. After a full two days of watching the residents of Peacemillion deal with Duo, Heero was forced to conclude that they were either blind or dumb. Perhaps both. How could they not notice that the not-princess was male? He had forced himself to acknowledge that he hadn't completely believed he was rescuing the right person until they'd arrived and King's Advisor G had confirmed that he'd rescued Princess Duo. Duo didn't look female. He didn't speak like a female. He didn't act like a female. Just last night he'd gotten drunk and stood on the battlements above the portcullis and peed on the drawbridge. It was beyond Heero's understanding how anyone could think that a female either would do such a thing or had the proper external urinary equipment to get such range and precision in that activity. Of course, the guard captain who was on the drawbridge at the time hadn't been nearly as amused as Duo seemed to think he would be. Heero decided that he couldn't blame the man.

The not-princess belched rudely, yawned, then slapped his left hand, fingers spread wide, flat on the table. His plate of food hit his lap, where he ignored it. He whipped a dagger out of somewhere--Heero made a mental note to pat him down for weapons--and slammed the tip into the table between the webbing of his thumb and forefinger, then between his index and middle finger, then back to between the thumb and forefinger, then between his middle and ring finger, then back between the thumb and forefinger, then between the ring finger and pinkie, then back between his thumb and forefinger. Duo repeated this pattern twice almost nonchalantly, then picked up speed until Heero was pretty sure he'd cut himself.

Baron J paused in his change-the-wedding-law harangue for nearly thirty seconds, a sure sign that he was impressed. King's Advisor G groaned and covered his face with his hands, well, most of his face. His nose stuck out. Relena appeared to be fascinated in a gape-mouthed, fascination-of-the-horrible way. At least it kept her from taking Heero's clothes off with her eyes. Treize Khushrenada set his fork on his plate and watched the not-princess in an all too predatory fashion. Heero decided that he did not like Khushrenada.

"Heero," King's Advisor G said tightly from behind his palms. "Could you please take Princess Duo elsewhere and woo her for a while? Thank you."

"Aww, G, don't you like me anymore?" Duo whined. The flashing blade of the dagger sped up.

Heero very carefully took a bite of his food and did not take his eyes from the moving knife.

"We have a very important guest, Princess Duo," G snarled politely, inasmuch as an evil looking gnome in a blue velvet cloak trying to scold without appearing to scold could be polite.

Duo either missed the hint, or refused to take it. Heero was betting on the latter. "G! Treize-baby loves me, don't ya T.K.?"

Khushrenada leaned back and smiled. "I find you refreshing, Princess Duo."


"Duooooooo!" Relena squealed. "He's my man!"

Dorothy elbowed Relena none to politely in the ribs. "You're supposed to only be obsessed with Heero."

Relena frowned. "Are you sure?"

Duo rolled his eyes and sped up the dagger's movements along his fingers.



"Huh." Relena scratched her head. "I thought I was supposed to be Duo's antagonist."

Dorothy shook her head. "Just the Heero-obsessed, slightly psychotic airhead."

"Are you sure?" Relena yanked an envelope out of her bodice. "I believe my contract specifically mentions that I'm to supply instant angst in the form of deranged stalking of any man Duo shows interest in so that he can feel inferior and plunge into the depths of depression when I belittle him so that Heero can save him from my twisted, evil machinations and certain suicide with lengthy, out of character explanations of the origins of his True Love for Duo."

Dorothy frowned. "Nope. Just stalk Heero."

Relena rifled through the envelope.

"Oh for God's sake," Baron J snapped. "01, take that annoying twit off and woo her already. I want you married by nightfall!"

"Stick it up your ass sideways, bionic boy!" Duo snarled.

"You're right, just Heero. Dammit anyway. It's not like he's ever showed any interest in me. Oh well, at least he's got a nice ass." Relena sighed and stuffed the papers back into her bodice. She batted her eyelashes at Heero. "You are so manly! I'm sure you can win the heart of any princess you desire. You have mine!"

"Don't overdo," Dorothy grunted.

"Everyone's a critic," Relena grumped.

Heero frowned at his fork. Treize-baby!?!

"So, Yuy, how do you plan on wooing your princess?" Treize-baby asked with a lift of his eyebrow.

Heero wanted to smack him. "I am researching the mission." He locked eyes on Treize-baby. "I will not permit any one else to attempt to woo the not-princess."

Treize-baby smirked.

Duo glared.

Relena gasped and did the chest-heaving thing.

Dorothy snickered and put her hand in Howard's lap.

"Damn straight you won't, 01," Baron J agreed, glaring at Khushrenada. "Howard and I have a deal and that doesn't include slick war weasels from Oz."

Treize-baby lifted an eyebrow. "A deal? Does Princess Duo come with a dowry as interesting as her charms?"

Baron J gave an it's-for-me-to-know-and-you-not-to-find-out harumph and stabbed his mashed potatoes with a fork. Duo jumped to his feet, the knife waving in Kushrenada's direction. "Charms? I'll fucking show you charms, you bastard. Don't sit there and fucking insult me. Save it for Princess Pink!"

Treize-baby smirked at Duo. "I admire a woman with spirit."

Duo growled something unprintable and slouched back into his chair to pick at his nails with the dagger.

Relena giggled. "Duo is first born," she said, batting her eyes at Heero. "Whoever marries her gets the kingdom. It's why our love is doomed to tragedy, like Desdemona and Othello!"

Dorothy choked on her ale.

Duo grinned. "You do know that Othello strangled her, right, sister-mine?"

Relena glared at him. "I'm surprised you can even read, you pugnacious little street rat."

The smile glittered on Treize-baby's face. "I see. As nice as the Sweeper Kingdom is, Princess Duo, I believe it's you who is the real prize."

Heero glared at Treize-baby in warning before checking to see how Duo would react to the flattery.

Duo was visibly not amused. "I have to warn you, Treize-baby, if you go all Chivalry Boy on me, I'm gonna throw food at you."

Treize-baby frowned. "Chivalry Boy?"

Heero frowned. He definitely did not like Treize-baby.

"Knight in Shiny Armor." Duo batted his eyelashes and clutched his hands to his chest. "Oh Princess Duo, your eyes, your beauteous, wonderful eyes!" Then he flopped onto the floor in an immediate and energetic rendition of a dying carp.

"And I thought Relena over-acted," Dorothy muttered.

Treize-baby smiled. "While you do have very pretty eyes, Princess Duo, I find your right hook more beauteous."

Duo's head popped up and he shared a knowing grin with Treize-baby. Heero's fingers curled into fists.

"Right hook?" G asked faintly, his hands falling into his lap. "Princess Duo hit you?"

Treize-baby never quit smiling that weaselly, oily, hair-implants, gold chains, and polyester shirt unbuttoned to the navel, Larry Dallas from that stupid situation comedy the not-princess had insisted he watch on late night television smile. Treize-baby resembled one of those creeps that the onna's parents had forced her to dine with in that Greek wedding movie. "Tried. She's never had formal training in the art of fisticuffs, but she certainly seems to have a natural talent for it."

Heero's glare deepened. The not-princess's fighting abilities sounded so lascivious when put in that manner and in that tone of voice. It certainly didn't help that Duo was basking in the compliment. Heero reminded himself that he was not permitted to shoot the not-princess and ate a bite of completely tasteless food. It lodged in his throat and had to be beaten into submission with a drink of water.

"Aww, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me." The not-princess dimpled at Heero. "Except for what you said when we met, Yuy."

Heero's glare lightened into a thoughtful brow furrow. "I said many things when we met, baka."

The not-princess just smiled. "Baka means resourceful, intelligent, utterly gorgeous, and all-around great guy."

Dorothy snorted. "It means idiot, baka."

Duo stuck his tongue out at her.

"It does mean idiot," Heero added. For some reason, it satisfied him when Duo stuck his tongue out at him as well.

Treize-baby arched an eyebrow. "What was it that Yuy said?"

Duo grinned. "He said I was not the princess."

Heero frowned. "You're not the princess."

Duo leaped to his feet, the mangled tiara waving in Heero's face. "I am too the fucking princess, Yuy! You'd better fucking get it through your thick skull that I'm the fucking princess. Here's the goddamned tiara to fucking prove it! Don't make me kick your ass all over the fucking place!"

This made absolutely no sense. Heero stared at Duo's furious face. "You're the princess?" he tried, hesitantly.

"God fucking damned right I am." Duo dropped into his seat and glowered for good measure.

Dorothy didn't bother hiding her hoot of laughter.

"I don't understand," Heero said.

"Neither do I," Khushrenada agreed.

Heero elected to ignore him at the moment. "Why are you getting upset when I say you're not the princess, but you--"

"I do not want to talk about this, Yuy." Duo bared his teeth.

"It means she likes you," Dorothy added with a giggle. Heero and Treize-baby turned twin glares o' death on Dorothy who wasn't the least bit intimidated. "Well, she does."

"I don't have to sit here and listen to this shit," Duo growled under his breath, but he didn't move.

Heero thought about this for a few moments, but couldn't wring a logical syllogism out of any of it. He flicked his eyes in Duo's direction for a moment, the baka was stabbing his meat with his fork as if he expected it to fling itself at him and chomp on his throat. This sudden murder of roast beef didn't clarify anything; it just made it worse. This was getting him nowhere. Heero frowned. "Do you like me?"

Duo froze, mid-stab. "Uh."

Heero waited patiently.

"Yes, Duo, do you like Yuy?" Dorothy asked sweetly. Heero tossed her a glare; she wasn't helping.

Duo suddenly grinned again, tilting his head and smirking up at Heero out of the corners of his eyes. "I like the way you clean your guns."

"I have been informed of this."

Relena kicked Duo under the table. "My Heero doesn't clean his guns for trashy tramps like you, Duo Maxwell!"

"He cleans his guns so he can kill people with them," Baron J snapped. "Well, Princess? Do you like him or not?"

Duo bristled, but said nothing.

"I like him a lot," Relena assured Baron J. "My Heero's absolutely perfect!"

Baron J gritted his teeth. "The other princess."

All eyes landed on Duo, except for Relena's. And King Howard's. Duo turned beet red and sank down a little in his seat. "Well, I guesso."

Baron J clapped his hands, er, hand and claw together. "Great! You can be married in five minutes. G, get the priest."

"I'm not marrying him," Duo hissed. "And you can't make me!"

Heero frowned. "But you said I had a cute butt."

"She did?" Dorothy gasped in exaggerated awe.

"I did not!" Duo leaped for the anger.

"Yes, you did. You said you would kick my cute butt all the way back to the mountains."

Duo looked puzzled.

"You did," Dorothy said. "I was spank--er, advising his majesty and I heard you yelling."

Duo snorted in disgust, his cheeks turning a suspicious shade of red. "Heero is obsessed with the cuteness of butts."

"I'm dying to know," Khushrenada said smoothly, leaning on his elbows, "what does the cuteness of your butt have to do with marrying the princess?"

"Ooh," Dorothy added, mimicking Treize-baby's position, "do tell, Heero."

Even Baron J managed to look interested.

"Women want pecs and a cute butt," Heero quoted.

Duo's mouth dropped open. "You mean you..." He shook his head. "You've been..." He squeezed his eyes shut, then blinked owlishly. "All of that was because..." Then he started laughing.

Heero frowned and reminded himself that he was not permitted to shoot the not-princess. He briefly considered a flesh wound, a round in the meaty part of the thigh or the arm that would heal quickly and make Heero feel a lot better, but he discarded that notion as he was unlikely to get the not-princess to agree to marry him if he shot him. Of course the not-princess was unpredictable and he might think of it as a courtship ritual. His fingers twitched to pull out his gun, but he decided not to take the chance. The not-princess grinned up at him, still sniggering. He glared. This was humiliating.

Duo slung himself around Heero, giving him a quick, smooch on the cheek. "God, you're so cute sometimes."

Heero had a choice between impertinent, dainty, or straining for effect. His glare promised Duo instant death. "Omae o korosu."

Duo just laughed, licked Heero's cheek from the curve of his tightly clenched jaw to his glaring eyeball, and toddled off.

Dorothy grinned. "I do believe you've figured out how to woo your princess, Heero."

Heero frowned. He had?

Several hours later....

Heero was stalking his prey through the corridors of Peacemillion. It was a dangerous hunt in that his prey was dangerous, particularly when cornered or captured. It was made even more dangerous by the presence of a herd of hunting beasts who were also after his quarry. These beasts, ignominiously enough, consider him game as well. Particularly the lead beast.


He flinched, backing into a darkened corner of the hallway, and checked for stray girls in the vicinity. The coast was clear. He ghosted down the hall, keeping his back toward the wall and utilizing every bit of cover he could find. He was taking a roundabout way to his prey, but the female beasts were smart and had the only safe corridors to the prey well covered. He ducked into an alcove as two stray girls prowled past, chatting about chiffon wedding dresses. He waited, with infinite patience, until they rounded a corner and their voices faded. Then he waited some more. They were not above lying in wait to ambush an unsuspecting male. Heero had learned this the hard way.


He cringed and pulled out both of his Desert Eagles. She was getting closer. He tried to remember that he wasn't permitted to shoot princesses, but he didn't think he could refrain.

"Psst, Spandex Boy!" As a whisperer, Duo was a washout. His voice bounced down the hallways. A few moments later, squeals from the patrolling female beasts echoed back. "Shit! Follow me! Hurry!"

Duo streaked past him in a yellow thing of some sort. It might have been a dress at one time but it now resembled a kilt that had been through a war without washing. Heero looked behind him to see the two that had passed by earlier bearing down on his position. He holstered his guns and raced after Duo. The not-princess, he noted, was acceptably fleet-footed and agile. He took the hallways like a sprinter, avoiding obstacles with the grace of a gazelle, and plowing through a fangirl phalanx with the tenacity of a bull elephant. He threw himself through a set of side doors, rolling across the dirt of the practice area before gaining his feet and racing, ducked low, to a building. Heero darted after him, running a zig-zag pattern to throw off the aim of his pursuers. Duo leaped through a wooden door with Heero right behind him.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. It was really unsanitary. It was unsanitary in ways that broke through the very definition of unsanitary. Apparently, no one could be bothered to pee in the urinals. Among other things. Heero made a note to speak with King's Advisor G about potty training the men at arms.

"The Horde is terrified of the men's room. Even Relena won't come in here," Duo said, leaning against a graffiti-covered wall and panting hard. "We're safe here for a while."

Heero could see why. He was a soldier, used to the muck, gore, and filth of the battlefield. This, well, this was worse. This was the reason why he didn't use the men's room at Baron J's castle either. He might be a soldier, but he was a fastidious one.

"So, how are things going?" Duo asked casually.

Small talk. Heero recognized the interrogation tactic. It was not one he employed since his demeanor was not suited to it. He grunted.

"Yeah, it's been like that for me, too. You got any plans for this wooing stuff? Gonna let me in on 'em? Do they include cleaning your guns? Boxers or briefs? Hey, did you really let Relena kiss you before she left? I know she's been trying to stuff her hanky down your shorts for the past two days, but this kissing thing? What was that all about? And damn, what the hell is up with that Baron J guy? Is his face for real? And that thing on his arm? Did he do that on purpose or something? It's freaky, totally, completely wrong, weird, and creepy in a not so nice way. I'd hate to meet up with him in a dark alley unless I had a Howitzer. Hey, you ever used a Howitzer? I got to shoot one and oh my god what a rush! It was the first thing that I ever made go boom. Then I--"

Heero leaped forward and clamped his hand over Duo's mouth. "Baka."

"Mmph mppmhhph mppphhmph." Then the baka licked his hand. "Mmmmmmmmph," the not-princess moaned, then licked his hand again. The not-princess's lips parted, dragging slowly along the soft flesh of his inner palm, and the teeth came out to nibble.

Heero froze in complete shock. He had neither known that his hand was so sensitive nor that it had a direct nervous connection to his groin. He dropped his hand immediately, trying to decide if he should back away or get closer.

"That sign wasn't here last time I hid out. Don't eat the big white mint. Whattaya think that means? It's not like they have a snack machine in here and why not eat a mint? Mints are good if you have bad breath, not that you have bad breath. Hey, what brand of toothpaste do you use anyway? You always seem to have mmph!"

Heero pressed his mouth to the not-princess's, shutting him up instantly. He was only doing this to shut the baka up. He recalled that this tactic had been particularly effective in shutting him up when the not-princess had employed it in the old castle. He very carefully did not think about how interesting the experience had been the last time, when the not-princess had shut him up. While very carefully not thinking about how interesting the experience had been last time, he decided to use it as a sort of control in an experiment. Approaching this via the scientific method would be in his interests, he concluded.

The least satisfying aspect of the kiss the not-princess had given him had been the lack of motion. As he recalled, it had been all pressure and startled breathing. Not that it hadn't been--he sorted through his list of adjectives carefully--nice, but it had been a little--he flicked open the mental thesaurus--bland. Of course, he didn't know how first kisses were supposed to be and he hadn't had his lips on anyone except the not-princess and a CPR practice dummy. Despite the fact that the not-princess hadn't been moving any more than the CPR practice dummy had been moving, he decided he much preferred the not-princess. Mostly because the not-princess was warm and mostly because the not-princess was making these interesting little squeaky moaning sounds in the back of his throat. He'd never really considered sounds as anything more than a means of acquiring or dispensing information or a method of locating the enemy, but these sounds were ones he wanted to hear again.

Experimentally, he shifted his lips a little, rubbing them across Duo's a bit. He was rewarded with a flush of heat in his mouth that slithered down his spine to his groin. He revised his earlier observation. It wasn't his hand that was connected to his groin, it was the not-princess that was connected to his groin. He wasn't sure how that worked, exactly, but he was extremely interested in finding out.

He moved his lips again, pulling a little bit at Duo's bottom lip. He was given a fresh reward, one that was almost as good as the--he couldn't think of an appropriate noun at the moment--whatever was happening in his groin. Duo groaned and leaned toward him. He pulled at Duo's top lip with his, just to see if he could feel that groan vibrate against his mouth, and found himself with both a hot groan and sheen of moisture from Duo's mouth. He couldn't taste it, just feel it. Twisting his head just a little, he opened his lips enough to take in both of Duo's, then drew them together slowly. Nerves crackled along his face as lipflesh clung to lipflesh. The inside of his lips bore traces of Duo that he could almost, but not quite taste. It wasn't enough.

Sliding his tongue forward, slowly, he eased it past his lips and tasted. Duo's flavor exploded in his mouth and he suddenly couldn't breathe. Oddly, there was no panic, just ragged sucks at the air through his nose. All he could smell was Duo's flesh. All he could taste was Duo's flesh. All he could feel was Duo's flesh. All he wanted was more of Duo's flesh. He opened his mouth wider and licked Duo's lips again. A breathy groan roiled between them, but not in Duo's voice. He cupped Duo's cheeks in his palms, holding him still for more tasting.

Duo moaned, vibrating, and pressed against him. Something inside of Heero twisted and writhed. It was unfamiliar and unbalanced him. The only anchor he had was Duo and for some reason, despite any logic or rationale, that was all the anchor Heero wanted. He leaned into his not-princess, vaguely aware that they were moving until they stopped, Duo backed against a wall and Heero pinned him there. Not to be outdone, Duo rubbed his body against Heero's with a catlike grace that shot directly to Heero's groin. Another definite sign that it was Duo that was directly connected to his penis. Just the thought of Duo directly connected to his penis made Heero want to start shredding clothes and thrusting.

Since he couldn't do any constructive thrusting with the spandex and the dress-turned-kilt thing between his penis and Duo's flesh--Heero felt himself shuddering at the thought of Duo's flesh--he substituted by thrusting his tongue into Duo's mouth. The only thing he could hear was the blood roaring in his head and the only thing he could see was a dawning blackness. He couldn't tell if his eyes were open or not. Duo's hands curled into his hair, tugging him closer, and his hips wiggled.

Heero growled and used a solid grip on the braid to tilt Duo's head into a better angle when his not-princess sucked on his tongue. Yes, he thought, yes, this was good. Good. And thrust. With his tongue and his hips. And hold the baka still because he was wiggling. Maybe not so still because the wiggling was feeling good, yes good. And thrust. And wiggling baka. He licked his baka's teeth and the roof of his baka's mouth and the inside of his baka's lips and did it all over again. And it was good. Very good. And thrust. Oh yes, thrust was good. Just if he could get closer to his baka. A full body press against the wall was okay, but not good enough. He needed more.

Duo apparently agreed with Heero's assessment of the situation because he abruptly jumped in Heero's grip and wrapped both of his legs around Heero's waist. His hips tilted and suddenly there was only a thin layer of spandex and a thin layer of cotton between Heero's penis and Duo's flesh. Heero shuddered and did the only thing any man could hope to do under these circumstances. Thrust. And it was good. It wasn't just good. It was Duo-moaning-into-his-mouth, groin-grinding-with-groin, when-did-it-get-so-hot-in-here, it-feels-like-I'm-self-destructing good. It was gooood.

It was, in fact, so gooood that he didn't hear the people outside until someone shouted in laughter right outside the door and then make some loud, overly obnoxious commentary. Heero privately acknowledged that this was a public restroom after all, and it was reasonable for people to assume that they were permitted to use it. After a moment's thought, he concluded that while it was reasonable to assume they could use the men's room, it was not reasonable of them to actually use it at the moment. He was using it and not inclined to either share nor cater to an audience. He was with his baka and he was going to make sure they respected that.

Turning, he leaned his back against the wall. The not-princess didn't appear to notice the interlopers swapping toilet humor, all he did do was lock his legs tightly around Heero's hips and slither his tongue into Heero's mouth. He let himself get distracted by this, groaning as that tongue rolled over the roof of his mouth and shot sensation directly to his groin. That confirmed it. His baka was directly connected to his penis. That particular fact made Heero groan again and grind himself against his not-princess.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he heard the door slam open. The dirty joke involving something about elephants, mayonnaise, and a rosebush broke off as whomever was coming in noticed the not-princess humping Heero's hips against the wall. Heero squeezed the not-princess's deliciously ripe butt cheek with his right hand, whipped out a Desert Eagle with his left hand, and pulled the trigger. Duo gasped, arching his back and thrusting hard into Heero. Oops, wrong trigger. He pointed the .50AE at the door without looking and squeezed the trigger with his left index finger. The gun bucked in his hand and someone shrieked. He emptied the clip in the general direction of the shriek, then holstered the gun, satisfied that whomever had the gall to interrupt them had gotten the message. Heero opened his eyes and found himself blinking into a set of glazed, baka eyes. Funny, he hadn't even realized that he had his eyes closed.

"Talk about a kiss that set off fireworks," the not-princess breathed. "The earth moved. The room exploded. Fuck me that was good." Those long legs slid down Heero's until the baka stood, swaying, on his own feet. "Holy shit. Can we do that again?"

"Hn." Heero couldn't get his tongue to work well enough for speech. The only thing his tongue seemed capable of doing was sliding back inside of the not-princess. He nodded, just in case it wasn't clear. The smile that lit Duo's face made him want to kiss his not-princess all over again.

"We'd better go," Duo said. "It's about time for practice to be over and the guys'll be coming in here."

"Hn," Heero grunted. Duo hadn't noticed that he'd emptied a clip of .50 caliber hollow points about a foot and a half behind his head?

Duo blinked. "Hey, what's with all the bullet holes?"


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