Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 8 - I Am Not Obsessed With Heero's Butt
Well, thanks to Heero Goddamn-my-ass-looks-hot-in-spandex Yuy, Duo was right back home where he didn't belong. Duo felt like kicking himself for being such a pathetic pushover. All Heero had to do was blink those pretty blue eyes and pout a little and he'd caved. Just like that. "Please return to Peacemillion with me." And he'd said, "yeah." Just like that. Never mind that the interruption had totally let Julia kick his ass in Tekken 3. Goddammit, just when he was about to get the stupid doctor, too.
He should have said no. He should have said not only no, but fuck no. He should have kicked Heero "is my butt cute?" Yuy square between those perfect cheeks. Ha! As if that man didn't know that he had the most perfect, most luscious backside a man could possibly possess. The only, and that meant only, reason Heero there's-no-underwear-over-this-ass Yuy wasn't in traction for sedating him was the little compensation Duo had helped himself to for the whole Wuffie's-Ambien-in-the-Gatorade trick. He'd given himself a good fifteen solid minutes of unabashed Heero's butt groping after he'd swapped canteens with Mr. Perfect Butt. He did feel kind of bad for taking advantage of a sleeping man, but he'd asked for it when he used that gag not once, but twice. Gagged! Duo was still pissed off about that. If Heero was going to gag him, he could have had the decency to use his tongue to--No. He wasn't going there. No fucking way.
Duo bent over and picked up another rock to hurl at the guys on the battlements. Assholes. One teeny tiny itty bitty explosion in the barracks and everyone gets their panties in a wad. You'd think he'd blown the place up on purpose the way they carried on. Well, he had, but that was beside the point. He was the fucking princess, it was about friggin time they forgave and forgot already. He'd been gone for a year and a half and now that he was freshly rescued, they could goddamned well be happy to see him for a change.
When G finally popped his mushroom head over the battlements, Heero buns-of-steel Yuy found out what the problem was. Apparently no one had informed Mr. Mission Impossible that rescuing Princess Duo did not include bringing said Princess Duo home. They rather expected Heero to carry him off into the sunset to Baron J's swinging bachelor pad o' love. It took a good half an hour of negotiations, which Duo spent quietly laughing his ass off in the grass and pointedly not ogling Heero's butt, before G would let either of them into the castle. Not that he could have kept Duo out anyway. It took G another half an hour to convince the captain of the guard that yes, as King's Advisor, he did have enough authority to authorize Duo's re-entry into Peacemillion. Then the drawbridge came down and the portcullis shot up. Heero had pursed his kissable lips together and given him a Look before they'd entered the castle.
The horse, being a sensible sort of horse, leaped into the air, landed stiff-legged, and attempted to leave the castle at top speed. Having just rescued the not-princess, it was obvious from the cursing and braid-yanking that Heero had no intention of rescuing him all over again just because the horse had enough sense to run like all the devils in hell were after him at the sound of that voice and Duo had enough sense to try and hitch a ride.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero!" The Princess Relena exploded from the great hall and threw herself across the bailey, arms outstretched. "You're back!" She stopped on a dime and gave back change when her eyes landed on Duo. "Oh my god what have you done to your dress?!" she shrieked in the same tone of voice that one might use to wonder why in the hell god might have cursed one with a waste of a sister like this one.
Duo grinned. "Like it? It's all the rage in Paris."
Relena gave him a frown while trying not to frown--frowns were just not something you let the love of your life see--and turned a bright smile on Heero. "I'm so glad to see that you're back. It's so brave, fighting the dragon to save the princess."
"Fuckin' A," Duo agreed. "I dunno, you think you can kick Wuffer's ass, Heero?" Speaking of ass, Duo spent a moment checking out Heero's again. Argh!
"Chang is an ally, Duo, I would not fight with him."
"Duo!" Relena hissed. How she managed to hiss at the top of her lungs was pretty much beyond Duo's imagination, but so was her fascination with pink. "You are a princess."
Duo glared at Heero. "See! I'm the fucking princess, Yuy."
Heero gave his little not-this-again twitch of his eyelids. "You are no--"
"Jeez, Relena, yank your panties our of your--"
"Duo!" Relena threw a shocked gasp at Heero. Heero frowned at Duo. Big mistake, Duo could already see the he's-protecting-me, he-really-loves-me! light in her eyes.
"You are not the princess," Heero said.
Oh that did it. Gorgeous ass or no gorgeous ass, lips that could melt you all the way to the bone or not, Heero was going to learn a few things or he wasn't Shinigami, the kick ass fucking princess of the Sweeper Kingdom. Yup. Heero I've-got-a-perfect-pair-of-butt-cheeks Yuy had better watch the fuck out. "I'm the fucking princess! Don't make me get out the goddamned tiara to prove it, bitch!"
"Well, at least she's admitting it now," G said. He wasn't normally the type to hunt for a silver lining, but it seemed to be the occasion for it. "Welcome home, Princess Duo."
"G! You fucknut! I'm gonna kill you! You sicced all of those idiot knights on me!"
G actually had the gall to look affronted by this accusation. He stuck his nose in the air and shoved his fists into his sleeves, snorting in denial.
Duo went from only partly, just for the fun of it pissed off to all the way pissed off. "Don't give me that, G! Howie probably hasn't pulled his face out of Dorothy's lack of cleavage long enough to breathe let alone remember that he sacrificed me to a friggin dragon last year!"
"Duo!" Relena was doing her heaving chest virginal blush thing in Heero's general direction, not that it was doing her any good, Heero was pulling his brows together in that you're-confusing-me-so-I'm-going-to-have-to-kill-you-now glare of his.
Duo snorted. "What? Dorothy spanks his monkey for him all the time. In more ways than one, if you know what I mean."
"No, I don't know what you mean!" Relena bellowed.
Duo rolled his eyes. "Right. Like you never read the Kama Sutra."
Relena gasped, her eyes flicking to Heero and then settling to glare at Duo. "You swine!"
"Ahem," G grunted diplomatically before the hair-yanking could get under way. "Everyone has assembled in the great hall, we're just waiting on the lucky couple. Twenty minutes, tops, and you're on your way outta he--er, to your honeymoon!"
Heero turned his quit-confusing-me-or-die glare on G. "Honeymoon?"
"I'm not marrying him!" Duo roared.
"Goody!" Relena squealed. "I'll do it!"
"Why not?" Heero sounded a little hurt. Well, a lot angry, but there was an undertone in there.
Duo glared at him. "I'd rather live in sin."
"Duo!" Relena gasped. "You can't! Heero is mine!"
"Live in sin?" Heero was impossibly cute when he glared like that.
G grumbled something under his breath that was rather uncomplimentary toward Duo, his ancestors, and involved a rather arduous and physically impossible sexual suggestion with several laws of thermodynamics that were never meant to be used that way.
"You know, bone without the benefit of marriage."
"That sentence was missing a predicate," Heero said.
"Bone. Horizontal mambo. Wildthang. Fuck. Sex. Coitus. Intercourse. Ride the wild Heero. Ya know?" Duo didn't think Heero particularly got it, but Relena looked just about ready to explode. Not quite there yet, though. Duo brought to mind the curve of muscled butt painted with black spandex and let that drool-worthy image take over his leer. "Clean your gun naked, big guy."
Heero took about thirty seconds to mull that over then he blushed. Duo thought that was incredibly adorable, but didn't say so. G would think that meant "I do! Let's go to your place!" and have them locked out of the castle before he could find some pants. Not to mention that Heero might point the gun at him. Relena gasped, her mouth working like a pink puffer fish, then she shrieked. Duo was pretty sure there were words involved, but since it was a shriek that ran somewhere between kick-in-the-balls soprano and a dog whistle, he couldn't make them out. He grinned. No one, absolutely no one, could make the Pink Menace shriek like Duo could. He settled back on his heels, smirking. Score one for big bro.
His smirk didn't last long. Like the baying yips of coyotes on the plains, Relena's shrieks echoed through the corridors of Peacemillion, alerting the other estrogen carnivores. Heero's grimace settled into a frown and his ear canted toward the door to the great hall. Duo looked in that direction, suddenly feeling uneasy. The ground rumbled beneath his feet before the muted thunder of what could have been the hooves of a vast, countless buffalo stampede reached his ears. Heero's hands automatically dropped to his guns and his body tensed prepared for battle. Duo felt the shiver of fear crawling down his spine. Fear like he hadn't felt since he'd been sacrificed to a dragon a year and a half ago. Oh God. The relative peace of the old castle in the mountains had blunted his survival instincts.
Yipping shrieks from the interior of the castle mated with Relena's wailing until the cacophony had the men at arms on the battlements ducking for cover. Heero glanced at Duo's rigid frame and white face, then yanked the guns out, wildly looking for the source of the enemy. The doors exploded outward, spewing a froth of flying hair. Maddened eyes landed on him and the caterwauling blended into dismay and wailing. Duo looked down at his dress. He looked up the Horde. Destroyed Dress. Horde.
"Oh shit! Fangirls!" Duo turned and ran as if the very hounds of hell were after him. Any man, even Chang I'm-the-manliest-man-in-existence Wuffee-pooh, would have certainly done the same thing. The hounds of hell had nothing on the Horde.
"Fangirls?" Heero echoed.
A short while later....
Duo slouched in his seat at the dinner table and glowered at the plate. He was sorely out of practice. He'd managed to elude the Horde for about fifteen minutes before the cornered him behind the stables and dragged him off to the Fangirl Reign of Terror. He had been bathed against his will--no doubt Heero would kill to learn how to do that without getting cracked ribs--in a tub of rose-scented water. He'd been dressed, in pink no less, perfumed, primped, make-upped, tiara-ed, and in general turned into what the Horde considered the height of feminine beauty. You know, you'd think that after industriously scrubbing his penis with a loofah, they would have figured it out.
"You have the most beautiful eyes," Relena said, leaning toward Heero and smiling. "They match the shoes that I bought last week just perfectly! It must be fate."
Duo watched Heero pick up a bite of food and methodically chew it without looking up from his plate.
"I think we're destined," she added.
"Destined?" That came from Dorothy, who apparently had decided that Howard was a good boy and was cutting up his food for him.
A soft smile blossomed on Relena's face. Oh, this oughta be good. "Destined. We're star-crossed lovers who are fated to be together, but are torn apart by circumstances and the will of our families. Like Romeo and Juliet who cannot marry because our families won't allow it."
Duo snorted painfully, trying to swallow the laugh in his throat.
Heero very carefully took another bite of food, only making eye contact with his roast beef.
"Ri-i-i-i-ight," Baron J said. "Well, no time like the present to rip star-crossed lovers apart, 01. The princess isn't eating and the priest is waiting, so let's get this wedding circus over with. I cut out the non-essential parts so we can get it done in two minutes."
Heero looked up at Baron J, then nodded once, curtly.
Oh hell no. Duo leaped to his feet and slammed his fist on the table. He carefully aimed for his plate and managed to spill most of it along the front of his dress. "I am not marrying him!" he roared at the top of his lungs.
"Oh dear," G said in the resulting silence.
Baron J glared. Well, it kind of looked like he glared. "You have no choice."
Dorothy smirked, leaning back to enjoy the show. "You shouldn't've said that."
"Bullshit," Duo snarled. "I don't say I do, there ain't no marriage. I'm not getting married."
Relena looked immensely pleased. "I'll be happy to take my sister's place. I am nothing if not willing to sacrifice all for her happiness."
"You're betrothed to Treize Khushrenada," Dorothy told her helpfully. "Why not, Duo?"
Duo glared at Heero. "Because Frankenstein's Monster over there told him to."
Dead silence met that pronouncement. Relena took the opportunity to slip into her heaving chest routine, but no one was paying attention. Heero was staring him, his face blank with confusion. Dorothy grinned at him.
The lines on Baron J's forehead pushed down on his goggles. "Your father, the king, signed a contract. You get rescued. You get married."
G nodded his head thoughtfully. "That's true."
Dorothy smirked. "We have a law in the Sweeper Kingdom. No one can be forced to marry against his or her will. If Princess Duo doesn't say I do, the marriage is void."
Baron J grunted. "That's a stupid law. Howard, change it immediately."
"What?" King Howard started, ripping his eyes away from Dorothy's cleavage for a moment.
"Change the law."
"It's not quite that simple, J," G said smoothly. "We'd have to convene parliament."
"What do you require to agree to marriage?" Heero asked abruptly.
Dorothy rolled her eyes. "She wants to be wooed."
Duo crossed his arms over his chest and sulked. "I do not."
"Take her on some dates, get her some flowers, write sonnets to her eyes. You know, the whole courtship ritual thing." Dorothy waved her hand dismissively.
Heero's brow furrowed in his usual mission-planning face. Duo rolled his eyes. "I'm outta here. This is bullshit."
"Wait!" Baron J ordered.
As if. Duo wheeled around and bolted from the hall. He stomped down the corridor, yanking bows--bows!!--from his hair and scrubbing at the kohl the Horde had managed to put around his eyes with the back of his hand. Sonnets to his eyes. From Heero. Dorothy was a sadistic bitch. He kicked off those stupid ballet slipper things and ripped the sleeves from the dress. He flexed his fists a couple of times and decided that it was way past goddamned time for the fucking Princess Duo Maxwell to reassert his masculinity. Maybe find some pants while he was at it.
He slipped through the back gate and stomped into the town that rested at Peacemillion's feet. He was on the prowl for trouble. Luckily enough, trouble was usually on the prowl for him, so meeting up with it was a frequent and generally quite satisfying event in his life. Taverns meant drunken soldiers meant a brawl in the making. And he knew exactly which tavern to hit. If he were really truly blessed, they would be too drunk to recall that he was the fucking Princess. They had this thing about hitting women. The bastards. He oughta get the Horde to take a loofah to their penises and show 'em what real manhood was all about.
The Cock'n Bull was in full frenzy, as expected. He found himself smirking. He whipped his knife out of his hair and took care of some extra skirt before slamming the door open and grinning at the clientele. Well, clientele was perhaps too kind a word. The dregs of Sweeper humanity lived for this kind of bar. Guys who married their 1963 Harley Davidson Panhead lined the bar. Guys who'd gotten kicked out of the Gestapo for being too mean mingled with rejects from the Spanish Inquisition. Dead silence greeted the arrival of him and his mangled pink ball gown. Oh yeah, this was gonna be good.
The barkeep took one look at him, had his eyes bugged out of his pocked face, and started hiding the cheap whiskey behind the bar. The rest of them gaped. He felt his grin turn just a bit more maniacal as he stalked a fat guy in a leather vest holding a pool cue. "You drinking this?" he asked, picking up a tankard of ale.
"Go back home, little girl, before you get hurt," Fat and Ugly growled.
"Not until I get what I came for," Duo said sweetly, then pitched the contents of the tankard into F'n U's face.
Sweet. It was sweet like a first blowjob. Not that he'd ever had a blowjob, but it was sweet like he'd imagined a blowjob to be like. F'n U bellowed like a wounded wombat and reached for the braid. Duo ducked under the swing and sank his arm elbow deep in F'n U's generously presented guts. The pool cue went flying and slapped into a skinny guy that looked like a cross between Freddy Mercury in leather and Marge Simpson.
"Bar fight!" someone roared and the place erupted into a melee faster than Relena could erupt into tears over not getting her way.
Duo was in the thick of it, darting in and out of bodies with the speed and agility that bespoke of many years experience at the art of brawling. He hadn't felt this damned good since he pitched that idiot Chivalry Boy over the wall. He wondered if that would work without a wall. Sure enough, F'n U's cousin, Stupid and Ugly, flipped ass over teakettle into a table, scattering its occupants. Duo leaped onto a chair and Tarzan-howled, complete with chest thumping, in a heady rush of power, then mosh-pit dove back into the fray.
Boom! The sound of the gun brought everyone to a complete halt. Duo looked up, his arm around someone's neck. Castle guards. Uh oh. G took a rather, um, dim view on Duo's brawling habits and could make things, erm, quite unpleasant when he wanted to. Duo dropped his dance partner after popping him in the nose for good measure and bolted for the back door. He bounced off of something, landed on his ass, and sprang for the door again, only to run directly into a guy wearing a blue coat with way too many shiny doo-dads on it. He stepped back onto his right leg, then sent a vicious jab directly for the guy's gut. Mr. Fancy was a better class of loser, apparently, because the fist never landed. Duo was a street rat fighter of some repute, if he did say so himself, but this guy caught his arm, flipped him around, and wrenched it up behind his back like Tae-bo Chang did whenever he caught Duo stealing his pants.
"Not just yet, my dear," Mr. Fancy Pants purred. "It's not often that I find a woman in a tiara and ball gown starting brawls in disreputable taverns."
"You better let me go, if you know what's good for you!"
"Princess!" one of the guards gasped, as if he were genuinely surprised to find the fucking princess involved in a bar fight within ten hours of getting rescued from a dragon.
"Princess?" Mr. Fancy was definitely interested now. "Would you be Relena?"
Now that was an insult he couldn't let pass. He landed a vicious kick on Fancy Pants' shin and bellowed, "I am not the Pink Menace!"
The arm was pushed higher, until Duo winced. "Pity, princess. I like your spirit."
"We'll just take the princess with us, sir. I'm sure them up at the castle are, um, well. I'll take her back."
Fancy Pants smiled. "Watch out. She has a mean right hook."
"I'll show you mean right hook, you bastard! Lemme go and I'll kick your goddamned fucking ass from here to hell and back!" Patronize him, well he'd see about that. Duo was the kick ass fucking princess, goddammit!
With a simple shove, Duo was sent sprawling into the horrified guard. Mr. Fancy Pants touched his fingers to his brow in salute, then melted through the back door. If it hadn't been for the guard's two buddies grabbing him, he would have wiped that smirk right off that asshole's face!
Late the next morning....
Duo winced and pressed himself deeper into the small niche between an ornate chest and the wall.
It was weird, but he had warm fuzzies inside knowing that somewhere in the castle, Heero was probably doing the very thing Duo was doing: hiding. It was like they were sharing something together. It was almost like it was their first date. Of course, Heero only had Relena stalking him. Duo had the entire Horde. If Heero really wanted to rescue him, he'd rescue him from that rabid pack of dress wielding ladies in waiting.
The door to Relena's bedroom exploded open and two prowling girls moved in. They paused, in the midst of the floor, nostrils quivering and licking their lips. Teeth gleamed in the light streaming from the windows. With a cry, one of them spotted him. They both turned like the hunting beasts they were and pounced. "Princess Duo!"
Had he not already turned the skirt of today's blue beaded number into shreds, he would have been well and truly trapped. It was only by sheer strength and agility--okay, blind panic--that he was able to half-shimmy up the wall and use the chest as a springboard for the door. He dove through the opening, racing down the corridor. Three of the Horde were rushing forward, adding their cries to the baying of the pack. "Princess Duo! Look what you've done to your dress! You silly girl!"
Duo danced out of their way, narrowly avoiding capture as he ducked and sidestepped their grasping hands. He was not ashamed to admit that while he could come out on top in a bar room fight with the roughest, toughest ass kickers in the kingdom, the only way he could defeat the Horde was by running for his very life. He slipped around a corner, defying all the laws of inertia, and bolted for the tower rooms. Well appointed and usually reserved for important guests, the rooms were generally empty.
"Princess Duo! Princess Duo!"
They were gaining on him.
He poured everything he had into his legs, mentally shrieking. He burst through the door, slamming it as the baying pack closed the distance. He dropped the bar over the door and scrambled for the heavy chest next to it. The bar wouldn't hold them for long. Putting his back against the chest, he shoved, grunting and cursing every member of the Horde long and lustily. The chest groaned and squealed, but moved. Slowly.
"Princess Duo! Princess Duo!" They were bouncing off the door, no doubt. It shuddered in its frame and the thick wooden bar that held it locked shut bulged.
Duo nearly jumped out of his skin. Two hands braced on either side of his waist and a broad, white-shirted chest swam in his vision. Mr. Fancy Pants in the flesh. The man shoved with him, pushing until the chest firmly blocked the door. Mr. Fancy Pants backed away, offering Duo a smile. "Princess Duo, I presume?"
Duo glared at him suspiciously.
"Your, ah, fan club is yelping."
"Who are you?"
"My apologies. I'm Treize Khushrenada."
"Treize Khu--oh! You're the poor sap who's getting saddled with the Pink Parasite." Duo genially spit on his palm and offered his hand with a wide grin. "Pleased to meet you."
Khusre, er, Kushro, um, Treize looked at the hand dubiously, then took the fingers and pressed a courtly kiss to the cracked and swollen knuckles. "The pleasure is all mine, my lady."
Duo jerked his hand away. "Yeah, okay. Hey, what were you doing in the Cock'n Bull anyway? Doesn't seem like the kind of place for a fancy guy like you to hang out."
Kusra, uh, Khushme, er, Treize smiled urbanely. "I was asking for directions when a beautiful lady in a pink dress walked in and started a barroom brawl. I was intrigued."
The chest began rattling in front of the door. They were using a concerted effort and probably someone's head as a battering ram. Shit. Duo backed up to the window and flicked his eyes at Kash, um, Khish, er Treize. "Yeah, well, just blowin' off a little steam, you know? It's time for me to jet, before the Horde gets in. Nice meetin' ya'n all."
Duo jerked his thumb to the door. "Ladies in waiting. They don't like my keen fashion sense."
"I see." Khashm, er Kushrm, um, Treize frowned. "How do you intend to escape your Horde?"
Duo grinned again, hopping onto the windowsill. "Don't try this at home, kids," he said with a wink, then jumped.
He swam out of the moat with far more grace and panache than that idiot Chivalry Boy had done back at the old castle. He tossed a merry salute to Mr. Fancy Pants, who was leaning out of the window, then went off in search of Heero. Heero I-know-you-drool-when-I-flex-my-butt-cheeks Yuy was supposed to be his Knight in Shining Armor, goddammit. He was supposed to rescue the fucking princess when the fucking princess needed a rescue. Where was he when the Horde descended? Hiding from Relena like a weasel coward, no doubt. Fuck dragons. Fuck horny Chivalry Boys. The Horde was the most dangerous thing on the planet and Heero an-ass-this-hot-should-be-illegal Yuy had abandoned him to a fate worse than death.
Duo drew himself up to his full height and let the rage and indignation take over. He shook his fist at the castle wall. "Heero Yuy!" he roared. "You asshole! You were supposed to rescue me, goddammit! When I find you, I'm gonna kick your cute butt all the way back to the mountains! Shinigami will have his revenge!"
In the stables....
Heero paused, the curry brush resting on Wing's side, right above the words "make a cop come", and listened. The stable hands, terrifyingly familiar with things involving Shinigami and revenge, stared in horrid fascination as a smile worked its way across Heero's face. Duo thought his butt was cute.