Damsel in Distress versus the Knight in Shiny Armor
Chapter 5 - Of Gun Butts and Chivalry Boys
Duo lay flopped on his back across the edge of the battlements, one of his legs dangling over the side and the dirty dress rucked up around his thighs. Had Spandex Boy really asked him if he thought a gun's butt was cute? Right after pretty much jacking off said gun in Duo's face? There was something really wrong with the way Heero cleaned his gun, something really pornographically wrong. That couldn't be safe. People got shot cleaning their guns all the time and here was the perfect soldier massaging oil into the gun's long, shafty parts like he was planning on getting it off. Duo flopped around on his belly, disgruntled. He would never be able to look a pistol in the face again. The entire time he'd been fondling that gun, that really big gun, Spandex Boy hadn't cracked an expression. Just narrowed eyes and grunting. Duo could certainly be forgiven for running like hell with his tail between his legs.
"Hey, princess," Quat said, leaning against the battlements near Duo's head. "You wouldn't happen to know where Heero's clothes got off to?"
Duo gave Q his best innocent look. "Heero's clothes?"
"That's what I thought. What'd you do with 'em?"
"Why would I do anything with spandex boy's clothes?"
Quatre just gave him the Look. The one that distinctly said 'You're not fooling me one bit, Duo Maxwell, you'd better fess up before I get all Zero on your ass.' Duo preferred to think of it as saying 'You're not fooling me one bit, but if you fess up, I'll give you chocolate.' Yeah, he liked option 2 much better.
"I didn't do nothing," Duo said in his best it-hurts-my-feelings-when-you-don't-trust-me tones. Technically, that was the truth. He really didn't do nothing. He dumped them in the moat and that was not nothing. For some reason, he suddenly felt better about dealing with Heero.
The Look melted into another version, the Suspicious Look. The one that distinctly said, 'I know you did something and I know I'm not going to like it, so you'd better tell me before I find out anyway. Trust me, you won't like me if I find out any other way.' Duo generally preferred to think of it as saying 'Please tell me what you did, Duo, I'll giggle over it with you and then I'll bake you a big, chocolate cake with chocolate chunks and chocolate chips and chocolate chip frosting with caramel and marshmallow on top.' His stomach rumbled. Yeah, now that was a threat he could seriously pay attention to. The Suspicious Look deepened, if that were even possible. "What did you do?"
Uh oh. He knew that tone of voice. Time for a little Escape & Evasion. E & E was his forte after all. "I went and talked to him last night, you know, man to man. See if he was serious about this whole marry thing or if G had finally cracked and was making a big joke out of my life."
If Quatre had been a spaniel, his ears would be pricked and he'd be on point. "You did? What'd he say?"
"He grunts a lot."
"Didn't what?" Duo groaned at the twinkle in Quat's eye. "You are such a perv."
"So, did you at least find out how big his c--"
Mr. I-look-soooo-innocent gave him a lascivious grin that he should not have known how to make. Oh yeah, everyone took one look at those big blue eyes and cherubic face and thought shy, gentle virgin. The bald-faced truth was a lot scarier. And louder. Quat didn't particularly care who heard what he did with Tro late at night in the bedroom. Or in the middle of the afternoon. Or the morning. Or in the kitchen. Or on the table when everyone was supposed to be eating. Duo glared at his friend for all of those times that Mr. Shy-n-Virginal's kinky ways had gotten between him and dinner. And this morning's breakfast.
Quat glared back suspiciously. "What are you thinking about now, Duo Maxwell?"
"You used all of my syrup on Trowa again. I had to use sugar and I don't like my pancakes crunchy. C'mon, Q, a man's breakfast is sacred."
"And you're changing the subject. Again. What happened last night if you didn't get naked and sweaty? You better tell me or I'll do something really evil."
"You already did. You used all my syrup."
"No I didn't." Q grinned. "Trowa used some of it, too."
Duo frowned because real men don't pout. "That's not the point."
"Whatever. Tell me or I'll go ask him."
"You're up here moping, so something happened."
He yanked on the end of his braid and glared at the moat hanging out about 100 meters from the bottom of his dangling foot. "He asked me if I thought if his gun's butt was cute."
"His gun's butt?"
"I kinda felt like that myself when he asked me. I mean, if he'd asked me about his butt, that'd be different. Don't think I didn't notice that Tro's jeans are just a little tight in all the right places on Heero's ass. Howie would say that he's got an ass that just won't quit. Well, that's what he says about Dorothy's whenever he's feeling suicidal and horny all at the same time."
"So, what'd you tell him?"
"That he could have any wench in the country, so he should leave the Blonde Spawn of Satan alone before she damns him to everlasting hell."
"Duo!" Q smacked him in the head. "So, did you tell him that his gun's butt was cute?"
Duo turned beet red.
"What'd he say?"
"I, uh, didn't tell him that." How could he? If he'd said the gun's butt was cute, it would have been tantamount to throwing himself over the desk and shrieking take me you big stud! Spandex Boy's gun was now and forever the epitome of sexual innuendo. Of course, what had come out of his mouth.... God, he was blushing even worse.
"Oh, I gotta know all about it now. You better spill your guts."
"Well, he was cleaning his gun, yanno?"
And he was jacking his gun off, if you must know. "We just talked, well, I talked and he grunted."
"I will ask him."
Damn, Quat, that was even more effective than the chocolate cake threat. Duo felt the blush hit the tops of his toes. Could this get any more embarrassing?
"Hello the castle!"
"You're not off the hook, mister," Quatre warned with a shake of the finger, then bounced off to get the door.
Duo slapped on a bright smile, but cringed inwardly. I may run, I may hide.... They both sounded like very good options at the moment.
A little while later....
Okay, someone upstairs really hated him. Absolutely and purely hated one Duo Maxwell. It was punishment for all of the sins that not only had he committed in his past lives, but everyone with similar genetic coding had done in their past lives as well. The smile on his face had frozen there three hours ago. His teeth ached from gritting them. Even his hair hurt.
"Your eyes, your beauteous wonderful eyes are like the luminescent dewy violets in the spring. They warm the pastures of my heart with the depths of their magnificence and grace. Your eyes, your beauteous wonderful eyes shine with the delicate and gentle strength of the purity of your tender heart."
Duo felt like slamming his head on the table. Across the great hall, Heero snorted. Oh, yeah, Spandex Boy just had to be here to witness the humiliation. Wufei was sitting quietly at one end of the table, ostensibly there to 'chaperone', but he was just hoping to either a) pawn Duo off on the idiot knight who just showed up like he had a right to or something or b) to laugh his stuck-up Chinese head off. Again. Quatre and Trowa were pretending to be 'bodyguards' so they could watch the show, which Quat would be double sure to gloat over for days. Heero hadn't bothered with an excuse, he'd just dropped onto a stool near the door to the kitchen. God only knew what he would make of this whole situation.
"Right, thanks, I feel so girlie now." Duo glowered at the smile that worked its way across the idiot knight's mouth. He should have remembered that sarcasm was lost on these losers.
"You must feel so alone and afraid, my princess. I can see the distress in your eyes, your beauteous wonderful eyes. But have no more fear, my princess, for I will save you."
Duo turned his glare on Heero, whose face was actually threatening to smile. Or something. "And doesn't that just make me feel all squishy inside?"
The knight ignored the sarcasm in that, too. Instead, his eyes shone in a way that made Duo suddenly feel like he'd been slobbered on. "I had hoped that some day you might harbor tender feelings for me, my glorious princess, I had so hoped to see such tender feelings in your eyes, your beauteous wonderful eyes, but I had never thought that you might feel them so soon!"
Yeah friggin right. The knight was not looking at his eyes. Or his face. In fact, Chivalry Boy had yet to remove his gaze from Duo's chest. Except when they were all standing around, then Chivalry Boy was all over the place, looking at legs and butt and everything else he could clap eyes on.
Wufei glared at the wall, his fingers curling into fists. Quatre giggled, just a little. Trowa actually moved, probably doing the almost smiling thing of his. Heero snorted again. Duo couldn't take it anymore.
"Now, Princess," Quatre said softly, "please try to calm yourself. We wouldn't want you to be overcome with," a slight snort of laughter, "tender feelings would we?"
"I'm about to be overcome with tender feelings," Duo said through clenched teeth. "All over the table even. Think projectile."
"This is pointless," Wufei snapped. "You have made it abundantly clear that you admire the princess's eyes. And ears. And nose. And lips. And pimples--"
"Dimples," Chivalry Boy snapped.
Wufei gave the man a quarter of a death glare. Apparently Chivalry Boy didn't rate a full death glare. "Can we dispense with the admiration and get on with it?"
The knight distracted himself from Duo's bodice long enough to frown at Wufei. "I haven't yet begun to offer my love and admiration to Princess Duo. She is the embodiment of grace and beauty. Such rare flowers of femininity were meant to be adored."
Duo rolled his eyes. And not four bajillion hours ago he'd thought of this idiot as his savior. He'd much rather be up on the battlements telling Quatre, in intimate detail, what had happened last night with Heero's gun. Of course, Heero was probably too oblivious to have noticed that he was even jacking off his gun's parts. He felt himself twitching all over at the thought of those fingers jacking off those gun parts. Duo suddenly turned red and shrank down on himself. And after the gun butt question what had possessed him to tell Spandex Boy--
"My beautiful flower!" the knight exclaimed. "Such a delicate rose on your cheeks. Dare I hope that it is my ardent love for you that has caused such a blossom on your beautiful face?"
Duo shot to his feet. The nice thing about dresses is that they were useful in covering anything untoward in the lower abdominal area. "I should probably go to the little princess's room. Go ahead and ardent love and stuff without me."
Moving slowly, less for dignity than to make sure more leg didn't show than was absolutely necessary, Duo beat an ignominious retreat for the kitchen. Experience told him that there was only one way to satisfactorily live through conversation with these Chivalry Boys and that was to start tweaking on sugar and/or caffeine. Especially if they'd been through the Princess Relena Weekend Seminar On Wooing My Sister, only $299.95 and you too can be half-king of the Sweeper Kingdom. He could always tell when they'd been through that. "Your beauteous wonderful eyes." She was actually proud of coming up with that herself. Thank fucking god for sugar.
He'd gotten through half a case of Mountain Dew and a quart of Death by Chocolate ice cream with milk chocolate Magic Shell when Quat stomped into the kitchen. "This one is a real loser."
Duo sucked down another half can of Mountain Dew and thought about staggering to the bathroom to relieve a little pressure. "Really?"
"Oh yeah. He's really disappointed about the size of your chest."
"I am too. Maybe I should do pushups." He sucked down the rest of the Dew. "I'm in caffeine nirvana."
"He likes your ass, though."
Duo belched and reached for another Dew. "Who the hell cares. He just wants to marry me 'cause I'm the fucking princess."
Quatre grinned slyly. "Heero seemed upset when he complained about your lack of a rack."
He didn't perk up, nope, not him. Not one little eensy teensy tiny bit. He was Mr. Casual. He was cool. He was so cool he was disinterested. "Really?"
"You like him! You like Heero!"
Duo glared at Quatre. "You rat fink. You made that up."
"Well, yeah. Sir Bonneville went off to check on his horse or something while you 'prettied yourself up'. He got a little pissy when we all started laughing."
Duo jiggled his braid and bounced onto his left foot. He tried to give Quat his absolute best Shinigami is gonna get ya glare, but he could pretty much tell that it didn't work. "Bonneville? He's named after a Buick? Could this guy just get any worse?"
"A Buick? I thought Bonnevilles were Fords."
Duo scratched his head and frowned. "No, they weren't Fords. Ford had the Crown Victoria. You know the cop cars and stuff?"
"Bonnevilles were made by Pontiac," Heero said from the doorway. He glared at Duo as if it were personally Duo's responsibility to know the exact make and model of every vehicle ever created and couldn't believe that Duo had failed at something so simple. "Buick had the Regal."
Duo sniffed. "Personally, I prefer the Shelby Cobra."
That seemed to earn him a ghost of a smile from Heero. "Good car. I'm into the 'Hemi 'Cuda."
"Ooooh, what year?"
Quat groaned. "You guys do realize that late twentieth century cars are either obsolete or they haven't been invented yet, right?"
Duo and Heero gave him the twin glares of death. "We always like late twentieth century cars, or late twentieth century music, late twentieth century clothes, or late twentieth century movies, Quat, where the hell have you been?"
"I think I was fighting a war somewhere around the late AC190s, but I'm not sure...."
Duo shrugged and tossed back some Mountain Dew. "Yeah, yeah, Q-man, next thing you'll be telling me that you've never heard of a gundam."
Quat blinked. "A what?"
"Gundam! You know, the white thing in the stable with pink hearts on its ass?"
"I thought that was a horse."
"Horse, gundam, same difference."
Heero grunted. Which could mean anything, but Duo abruptly decided that it was his version of girlish giggle. Hell, a guy had to get his entertainment somewhere.
Duo downed the last of the Dew. "Hee-man," he said in his best me-Cronk-you-Gronk-wanna-fuck? neanderthal voice. Then he added in a few macho grunts for good measure.
Heero frowned, slightly. "Even if you want me to spout that... poetry that knight was spouting at you, I'm not doing it."
"If you do, I'm going to shoot you with your own coc--um, gun."
"Good." Heero's frown melted into a decidedly Duo-like smirk. "I'll be performing preventative maintenance to my other weapon at twenty-two hundred hours."
Duo's mouth flopped open. He turned red all the way to the ends of his hair. Him! Duo Maxwell the boldest, brashest cowpoke this side of the Big Muddy. Whatever that meant. The kitchen floor just needed to open itself right on up and suck him down into the pits of holy embarrassment right that instant. Before he could gather enough wits to make any kind of retort, let alone a witty one, Mr. Heero Yuy and his perfect ass sauntered back into the great hall.
"What was that about?" Quatre asked, mystified.
Impossibly, Duo's blush went super-nova. "He's going to be jacking o--uh, cleaning his gun."
"Jacking off? And he just invited you?"
"No! He's going to be cleaning his gun." Duo pulled on his braid and glowered. "With lots and lots of lube. Probably by candlelight."
"It's usually better with lots and lots of lube, that way it doesn't hurt," Quat said sagely. "Syrup doesn't make good lube, just so you know. Too sticky."
Duo put a little extra Wufei into his death glare so Quat would know he meant business. "It's not like that!"
Q smiled that evil little smile. "Not like what?"
"Sex! It's not like sex."
Quatre leaned against the counter and lifted an eyebrow. Dammit, how did he do that? "Then what is it like?"
"He's going to be cleaning his gun. Like, with gun oil and gun parts and stuff."
"You said he's jacking off."
Duo jerked on his braid again and chewed on his bottom lip. "Not really. It just looks like he's jacking his gun off when he cleans it. You know, oils the parts, slides 'em through his fist and stuff."
Quat had the gall to look disgusted. "Is that all? Jeez, Duo, I thought you were the porno king, too." The disgusted look shifted abruptly to a sly grin. "Of course, I get horny watching Trowa take care of his weapons, too. I guess that means you like like him."
"I do not!"
"My lady doth protest too much." Q chortled like an evil Arabian leprechaun, then sidled out of the kitchen.
Duo was about to follow when he caught the sound of Chivalry Boy regaling whoever wasn't fast enough to get away with tales of his heroic knightly deeds. Duo shuddered. Nothing quite like relived and creatively edited jousting matches to make him want to throw the heck up. Just once he'd like to meet one of these Chivalry Boys who started out a jousting story with, "Oh yeah, I remember that time I lost...." He was about to make a hasty retreat the better part of valor via the back way out when Heero's face popped around the doorframe and his gundamanium grip started grinding the bones in Duo's wrist into mush. "If I have to, you have to." And then he was jerked into the great hall and propelled toward the table. He tripped over the hem of the stupid dress and heard something rip when he hit the floor. Shit!
Chivalry Boy was suddenly there, hauling Duo to his feet. With his nose shoved against a not-quite-so-lean, somewhat hard chest, he was having trouble getting his wind back. He pushed against that chest, half-heartedly shoving back while trying to suck in some oxygen. Chivalry Boy's hands went from his lower back to his butt, squeezing the cheeks as if they were cantaloupes to be tested for ripeness. Before Duo could brush off the shock to give that jerk a holy whatfor, he was dropped onto his feet and Chivalry Boy had backed out of punching range. He backed another step, his eyes moving down Duo's body, before hitting mid-thigh with hawk-like intensity. Duo looked down. Shit!
Well, it's not that he wasn't unhappy that the dress was ruined; he generally enjoyed ruining dresses with as much lusty gusto as he enjoyed eating pizza. There's nothing quite so satisfying as turning an exquisite feminine gown into something worthy of lining the hunting dog's kennel in ten minutes or less. Rips were one of his favorite ways to accessorize. The problem was that another inch or two of rip and Chivalry Boy would have an eyeful of wedding tackle that didn't belong on a princess. While such an occurrence might serve to run Chivalry Boy off, Duo doubted it. This particular model of Chivalry Boy looked like the kind of slimy freak who would get off on having a crossdressing fucking princess and there was no way in hell he'd wear a dress on purpose; particularly not to get a freakjob like that off.
Speaking of hentai Chivalry Boys, this one had a slow grin working its way across his mouth. It was enough to make Duo shudder and clutch the ripped skirt together. "I've been slimed!"
Wufei, who was doing an admirable job of not giggling, pinched his grinning lips together in what was supposed to be a thoughtful frown, but failed miserably. "Slimed?"
Chivalry Boy licked his lips.
"Argh!" Duo whirled on Heero, jabbing his finger in Spandex Boy's direction. "I'm outta here. If you try and stop me, I'm gonna shoot you with your own cock!" Then he made as hasty a retreat as possible, utilizing every bit of cover to keep Chivalry Boy's eyes off of his ass.
"Cock?" Heero asked.
"I think he means your gun," Quatre said around giggles. "He's obsessed."
Trowa actually smiled. "It means he likes you."
Duo let out a shriek that Relena would envy, and silently promised retribution on the people who were supposed to be on his side.
A short while later....
Duo was crouched up in the battlements again, this time with his back wedged in the corner of the ramparts and the guard shack for protection. He hadn't managed to get his hands on a gun--Wufei was entirely too paranoid and that one little incident wasn't entirely Duo's fault dammit--but he did have several knives, including a particularly nasty one filched from Trowa while he'd been otherwise occupied with a little tonsil hockey, and a generous plate of food from the kitchen. Last he checked, everyone was in the great hall, swapping manly man stories or, in Heero's case, plotting how to pull off his mission. Except Chivalry Boy. It had taken all of his stealth--which was damned hard to do in a white dress no matter how dirty it was--to find that jerk without getting caught. Chivalry Boy'd been "prettying himself up" and wasn't that just something that would feature in some of his more gore-filled nightmares.
"There you are, my princess." Speak of the devil and he comes to tapdance on your grave.
Duo put the cheese sandwich down and wrapped his fingers around Trowa's knife.
Chivalry Boy leaned against the outer wall a few feet away, arranging himself into an attractive pose. "I'll be off to kill the dragon for you in the morning."
Duo smirked. "Don't forget to bring ketchup."
"Yeah, the dragon likes fried knight with ketchup."
Chivalry Boy just smirked. "I think I have a better chance at killing the beast than that. It's customary for a princess to send her champion off to battle with a favor."
"I've got a cheese sandwich or a pickle. Take your pick."
"The Princess Relena told me that you were a gentle, shy, romantic girl with delicate sensibilities."
"My sister thinks that Dorothy is teaching Howie how to train horses when she dresses up in a chain mail corset and takes her handcuffs and riding crop into his royal chambers, too," Duo muttered.
Chivalry Boy's smirk turned just a bit more chilling. "Princess Relena's wrong, isn't she? You're more, shall we say, worldly."
Duo exploded to his feet, both hands curling into furious fists at his sides. "Are you calling me a slut?!"
"Only if I'm a really lucky man," Chivalry Boy said, pouncing.
Duo was suddenly trapped against the outer wall of the battlements, awash in the scent of cheap cologne and toothpaste, with Chivalry Boy's body pressing firmly enough for him to get a really good idea about what was meant by the word 'lucky'. A moment later, Chivalry Boy was humping against his hip like an overgrown Chihuahua. "Ewww!"
"Release the not-princess," a steely voice commanded. Heero!
Anyone who might have had the chance to look at Duo's face in the moment when he realized that his savior from what inevitably would become a long and arduous rape suffered at the hands of the vile and slightly greasy Chivalry Boy, would have seen jeweled amethyst eyes widening in realization that Heero had arrived. His knight in shining armor had come to rip the offending brute of a man from his delicate, if lithe and strong body, and to prove once and for all the strength of passionate devotion by possessively wiping the castle floor with the would-be rapist's face. After jealously proclaiming to one and all what, exactly, would most painfully happen to anyone who had the ignorant audacity to touch Heero's beloved fucking princess, Heero would whisk him away to Heero's bower of satin linens in the privacy of his room to soothe away the trauma of the vicious beast's attempt to pluck Duo's lovely body into base obscenity with ardent adoration, tender kisses, and heartfelt proclamations of his eternal love for his violet eyed beauty. Of course, someone neglected to mention this to Duo.
With his eyes actually widening in the dawning of the twin horrors that Chivalry Boy actually thought he was man enough to get some of the uber gorgeous Duo Maxwell and that Spandex Boy still hadn't figured out that he was the fucking princess, Duo lifted his legs and let himself drop out of Chivalry Boy's hump-a-thon. Landing in a comfortable crouch, he smashed the heel of his right hand into Chivalry Boy's happy humping hose. Chivalry Boy squawked, staggering to the side. Before Heero could smash his own fist into one or more parts of Chivalry Boy's person, Duo kicked out with his right leg, caught Heero in the back of the knee, and brought him down, flat on his seriously gorgeous ass. Duo might be the fucking princess, but he was the kick ass fucking princess, goddammit, and Heero had better figure that out if he knew what was good for him. Leaping to his feet before Heero could get up, Duo put Wufei's practical Toss-Maxwell-Over-the-Parapet lessons to good use on Chivalry Boy.
"You fucking loser!" Duo bellowed, leaning dangerously over the battlements. "No one messes with Shinigami! I'll kick your fucking ass if you ever touch me again!"
Heero looked over the battlements to watch the knight surface in the moat and dog paddle toward the inner edge. Duo leaped on top of the battlements, doing something that looked like a stripper's version of an American (naturally) football touchdown victory dance, complete with chant. "Uh huh, oh yeah, who's the masta? I said who is the masta?!"
Heero didn't spare him a glance, too busy staring down at the top of Chivalry Boy's head. "What?"
"You're s'posed to say Sho 'Nuff. I say Who's da masta, you say Sho 'Nuff. Jeez, where's Q-ball when you need him."
"That's my shirt."
Heero glared, first at the green cloth laying on a sprawled, choking Chivalry Boy, then at Duo. "Why was my shirt in the moat?"
"Uh," Duo sidled subtly out of reach. "It was, um, dirty?"
"And my shorts?"
Duo grinned as disarmingly as he knew how. Dammit, he should have paid a lot more attention to how Q made those puppy dog faces at Trowa. "They were dirty, too? Oh shit!" In flash of dirty, ripped skirt, Duo leaped to the gangway and raced for safety with Heero's bellow chasing him.