Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.

Category: Angst
Rating: ?
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4 implied
Warnings: angst, shounen-ai

The Price of Perfection
Part 1

How could they ever know how I really feel? How all the pressures to be perfect have eaten away at my being. Causing the ticks in my mannerisms. The pain that fills every inch of my body, but I ignore it. It is just part of my endless struggle towards perfection. I won't allow them to see that part of me, only the happy-go-lucky part that soothes their tension and catches their attention. But I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

I am getting so tired lately. And I fear that the one I love is beginning to suspect something as well. Well, I guess I had better join the others for dinner.

"Hey Duo!" Quatre says as I enter the kitchen of our current safe house. "Trowa made extra knowing how hungry you can be after a mission." He says sitting down next to the referenced stoic boy. I hate it when they go to all this trouble, especially when it will all go to waste in the end.

A strong arm wraps its self around my waist and I am pulled back into the boy I love, ignoring the shocks of pain stemming from his touch. My body has gotten very sensitive as of late which surprises me as I would have thought the nerves dead by now. He nuzzles my neck, inhaling the scent of my freshly washed hair and skin. "Heero?" I ask meekly.

"Hn?" He grunts, his head still on my shoulder now shifting to nip at my ear, causing a small groan from my lips.

"Get a room!" barks Wufei as he tries to fend off a nosebleed and brings me back to reality. I can't believe he is openly showing affection in front of the others. He has never been this open before.

"Heero? What are you doing?" I ask trying in vain to remove myself from his hold. He lifts his head and turns me to face him not moving his arm securely fastened around my waist. I gasp at the look in his eyes, a look of fear or sympathy? Why sympathy. "What?" I ask unable to look away. He doesn't answer but kisses me softly.

"Well either get a damn room or sit down and eat Maxwell and Yuy. It is getting cold." Wufei interrupts again and Heero loosens his hold allowing me to walk away.

Sitting down at the table Trowa places a heap of spaghetti and meatballs on my plate. Heero quietly sits down next to me and fills his own plate, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye with a slight scowl on his face.

I forgot myself for the moment realizing that I hadn't spoken or even begun to engulf the food in front of me, and my mask had fallen.

"Daijobu ka?" Quatre asks with a look of extreme worry across his face.

"Hai." I say looking at the others seated around the table, all watching me with confusion. "Hai. Just a little tired that's all." I add putting a smile back on my face that doesn't quite make it to my eyes. I eat what they placed in front of me but notice their gaze continues to graze in my direction through out the meal. The only sounds heard are of the forks hitting the plates and the occasional clink of glass. I help myself to another serving and finish it quickly before rising and headed back to my room.

I run into the bathroom and expunge it all into the toilet. I am surprised that my body held onto it for as long as it did. Lately I haven't been able to keep anything down, at least not for very long. I flush and pull myself in front of the sink to brush my teeth. God I look like hell I think to myself as I look in the mirror. My hair is looking limp and dead, my face is starting to look gaunt and my teeth are looking ragged at the tips from all the stomach acid eating away at them. I finish brushing my teeth for the third time in a row, it is so hard to get rid of the taste of bile, and decide to take a shower.

Easier said than done. Removing my clothes sends shocks of pain through my body ending with a sensation of needles and pins like when your arm has fallen asleep and is trying to get the circulation going again. Finally getting into the shower the stream of water isn't soothing, but the idea of being clean helps me continue. My legs feel as though they will give out on me at any moment so I decide to sit and continue to wash. The last think I remember is reaching for the towel and seeing the floor rush up towards me.

Authors Note:

I don't know if I can finish this. I wrote it to release some of the pain I am going through right now. A close friend of my younger sister was found dead in her apartment on Friday. She died from complications due to Anorexia, she weighed only 80 pounds and she was 5'11". I am sorry for giving all these gruesome details, but we need to make people aware of these diseases. I don't want to lose another to this and I hope that none of you do either.

on to part 2

back to fiction

back to mistress syn fiction

back home