Disclaimer: No matter what Duo says, John is mine. Too bad he's the only one that is.

Pairings: OC?/Duo, OC?/Heero, Duo/Heero, Quatre/Trowa
Warnings: a bit of a squick (maybe), suggestiveness, a death (sort of) and a poor attempt at humor

Author Notes: Ah, well, this one probably deserves a little explanation... see, last night I was on AIM chatting with a couple of friends ... I was telling Alba about a different story idea and clued her in on the hilarious drabble by iniq. She got such a kick out of it too! Coupled with chatting to Puppy about bad!fic (more on that one later!) and reading the latest gw500 challenge stories ... the idea was born. If I were to point a finger, it would be at Alba since she and her mother-in-law ..umm... have something of this nature going on between them.

My Life as a Sex Toy
by Merith

"We are gathered here today to witness this auspicious event... "

"Duo, we're not at a wedding."

"Alright, you do it then!"

"I will. ... Friends, we come together to pay last respects to our dearly departed loved one... "

"Hey! I didn't love the guy!"

"Sure, Wufei. You didn't love him, but you loved him."


"Duo, please."

"Okay, sorry... continue."

I guess I should have expected as much, but for as many years as I've known them, I thought a little more respect would be due. After all, I was a part of each of their lives and even had a hand in bringing the couples together.

First, let me introduce myself. My name is John. Yes, I know, how original. But it was the name He gave me, and I cherish it.

My early memories are fuzzy and not important. Suffice to say that prior to being opened one shiny glorious spring day, I had no life. It was love at first sight. That hair. Those eyes. And the way his lips wrapped around my stem ... let's just say he filled me like no one else could. The love I felt must have been mutual, for he dressed me well. The silky pink shirt, only one button fastened with its tails tied, exposed my flawless mid-drift, and those high-cut jean shorts with the little fringe! OH MY! They hugged my backside curves, accentuating just how pert my cheeks were.

I had thought we would spend more time together after that, but he left me alone until late that night. Then he took me out. It was very exciting, hiding in the shadows and dark places, sneaking through a forest until we stopped at the base of a giant man-shaped structure. My love whispered words dear to me, though I wasn't sure what I'd done to deserve the monikers of 'thieving cock-sucker' and 'paranoid uber soldier'. I had to admit getting tingly being called that.

When He strapped me into the comfy seat with the padded leather harness, I shivered in anticipation. I had no idea he was into kink! He leaned in close, staring into my eyes, smiling such a sweet beautiful smile. His fingers unzipped my shorts and pulled out my fully erect *erm* ... I wanted to melt. But, alas, he patted my arm and headed for the door. Waiting for his return (with something special, perhaps?) was such pleasurable agony.

Hours must have passed before the door opened again. Only, instead of my longhaired beautiful love, there in the sunlight shining through the door stood a god-like boy. I trembled in excitement (and a little fear). His expression fiercely intent, and those blue eyes. That hair! So shiny, full of spiky locks daring me to run my hands through it. He must have been as excited as I was for he rushed to my side, shocked at seeing me waiting for him. His limbs shook and he couldn't take his eyes from my package. (I have to admit I'm fairly well endowed.) He howled, giving me a fright and ran back to the door.

"MAXWELL!" he shouted. "I will kill you!"

Oh, he was so much kinkier than I would have dreamt. He stood in the doorway a few minutes more, his chest heaving in anticipation. I watched from the corner of my eyes, waiting for his return. When he did, his smile made me shiver. His fingers found my special spot and suddenly I couldn't help releasing all that was pent up inside. I faded away with the joy he'd brought me.

Awaking in a strange place wasn't unusual, but I never expected to be in a bed. A blanket was drawn to my chin, and the room dark. I could feel I no longer wore the outfit my Love gave to me, but something more revealing. The strap stretched across my back tugged, and there was tissue? wadded at my chest. Something softly string-like rode between my butt cheeks, and my *erm* was stuffed tightly into a small triangle of fabric.

I heard a slight noise and looked that way. My boy-god lay in the other bed, pretending to sleep. Though his lids were closed, I caught a glint from his eyes. He was watching me. It made me want to touch myself, to moan out my pleasure at seeing him watch me. Before I could act, a window opened and someone tiptoed over to the bed I was in.

It was my Love! He stripped naked before my eyes, and climbed in. Finally we would consummate our relationship. His hand touched me and He froze. I never thought He would be shy, but being young, He must be a virgin. Suddenly I was in his arms with him rolling over on top of me. He called out my name, rained kisses down on my face, and thrust his hips into mine. Surely no one could live with such bliss.

"Stop that!" A voice as cold as steel commanded. I hid my fear, and stilled my trembling. My Love stopped and looked at my boy-god.

"You jealous?"

The boy-god snorted. "You're making too much noise. And why would you want to do that with... that?"

My Love started to rise. I clutched at him with my arms, but he was much stronger than I. "Maybe I'll show you." He was crawling over me, his feet landed on the floor, and I watched in horrified fascination as He jumped into the other bed. I couldn't tear my eyes away as the two loves and desire of my life wrestled with one another, clothing and bed linens. The sounds they made excited me even as I wailed in my despair. There would be no hope for me. How could I compete with such beauty? With such a god-like body?

There was not much for me to do but flatten away, and wait my turn.

Time passed as it does, and in the interval, my Love and boy-god would rouse me into my erect state. They brought me to parties with them, dressing me up in fine clothes... okay, mostly dressing me in clothing. All right already, I'd be mostly nude, but no one seemed to mind. I'd find an unobtrusive place to sit back and watch my Loves as they conversed, danced, and had fun with their friends. Occasionally my Love would bring one of the other partygoers over to introduce me. He was always in a good mood doing so, waiting with sparkling eyes for his friends to fawn over me.

One such friend was a pretty young girl; very innocent it seemed. She blushed but couldn't stop staring. Her remark about my size had my Love rolling on the floor with laughter. When He told her Heero was larger and he didn't have any problems, she got very pale and wide-eyed. For some reason, He thought that was even funnier. Taking pity on the poor girl, my Love told her the way to make it easier to handle, and just what to do with a man such as me. If she hadn't been a girl, I might have enjoyed it much more.

There'd been one party I'll never forget. I think it was Christmas time for I was dressed in a white, fur trimmed red hat with a fake white beard tied to my chin. Throughout the night people would stop to chat with me, some even sitting for a spell or sharing their drink. Towards the end of the night, a long time friend of my Loves approached me. He seemed very down and not at all like his normal self. To my surprise, he plopped right on my lap, and wrapped an arm about my shoulders. After a few minutes, he sighed, and I only wanted to hug him, no matter that his pants were rubbing me just the right way.

"Santa, seeing as my family is primarily Muslim, I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, but if you'll forgive that, I'd like to make a wish. Since I've never wished for anything for Christmas before, I'll settle for only this one." He snuggled closer to me, nearly laying his blond head on my shoulder. But I noticed he never took his eyes off the tall one across the room leaning against the wall. "I want him for Christmas, Santa."

The man in question must have felt something, for he looked up at that moment and walked over to join us. He sat at my side, staring at the one on my lap. "Telling Saint Nick what a good boy you've been this year?"

"Among other things, yes."

Oooo, the looks they were giving each other made me want to squirm. But I thought better of it since I was holding one of them on my lap.

"And what did you ask Santa for Christmas this year?" He was smooth, this tall one. I didn't even see him pick up the blond man's hand.

"You tell Santa what you want, and I'll tell you what I've asked for." He leaned back, pulling away from the other man. I have to tell you, his rocking was making me more uncomfortable by the second.

The tall one nodded, giving the blond a smile that made my valves smolder. "I want to trade places with Santa - right now."

"Who says I want to sit on your lap? What if I wanted you to sit on mine?"

A single eyebrow rose. "That would be even better." The blond didn't wait for another invitation, but practically flew to the next seat over. There was much kissing and snuggling going on, and my heart melted.

My Loves made a wonderful couple, both in complete counterbalance to each other. I lived with them for a few years, often finding myself sitting at the breakfast table, barely dressed with a cup of coffee placed before me. Each man gave greeting, treating me with the same respect they did all their friends. In fact, I slept in the guest bed many a time, more than once with one of their surprised friends. Only one time had my favors been declined but with the threat to perform surgery on parts of me I know would hurt, I decided to not be offended.

The day came when I had to admit I was getting old. My once perky derrière now sagged, and I couldn't hold an erection for long any more - I was falling apart at the seams. My Love dressed me in my first outfit, hooked me up to life support (a very noisy pulsating thing, but it did help me hold my shape) and called all their friends together for a last goodbye. I laid on the guest bed, barely able to keep from tearing I was so moved by their concern.

As each friend stepped forward, they said a quiet goodbye, thanking me for being in their life. Even the most rigid of them stopped saying how foolish it all was and thanked me for giving him insight into insanity. I didn't have time to ponder his words for my Love sat by my side, and held my hand.

"Heero, could you... you know, pull the plug? I don't think I can." The sudden silence in the room frightened me. I pleaded for a moment with my Love, not wanting to go. My man-god (for the boy had grown into a man) stood by my Love's side, his hand on his shoulder and they both watched me leave their world. Light faded away and I knew no more.

At least until they started talking.

"This is utterly ridiculous. Yuy, how you can be a part of this... this folderol is beyond me."

"It makes Duo happy. Besides, you didn't have to come."

"Get him another one."

"It's not a pet! He was like a member of the family or something. Sheesh, Wufei, I don't say anything about your stuff."

"Hmmph. That's because my things are normal and not perverted."

"'Here lies John. Our best friend'. Duo, someone's going to think this is a marker for a dog."

"Let 'em, Trowa. At least we know what's there."

"Come back into the house. The food should almost be done, and the beer's on ice."

I was left alone to drift, and I thought - I sure hope my next incarnation is just as exciting.


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