Love Me Still
"What the hell is this?!" That was all I managed to cry out as I took a step back from our bedroom. In surprise, Heero scrambled around on the bed almost knocking Relena off it. Oh, that was just… I couldn't get that sick image of the two of them in Heero and my bed.
My stomach felt like it was turning and I brought a hand up to my mouth. "Oh god… I feel sick." It felt like bile was rising up my throat, choking me and I couldn't breathe.
My mind began to work too fast and got too imaginative, creating images of Relena and Heero doing… bad things on the same bed – god knows why I even imagined it. I didn't want to! All I wanted right now was to get out of here. Right Now. Before all this sinks in and I shoot the both of them, or myself, or lose whatever is left in my stomach.
Dragging the bed sheets along to cover himself, Heero rushed after me. Jesus, I nearly had to cover my eyes with the other hand when I caught a glimpse of Relena showing a little too much skin, confirming my dreaded suspicions. Somehow, she managed to make an "eep" sound dignified and tried to cover herself with her hands for decency. I REALLY didn't need to see that.
They'd done the dirty deed and Heero cheated on me.
My mind went on autopilot. As the shock came to me, I automatically spun around on my heels and headed out of the house. "Duo, wait." Like I hadn't even heard him, I continued to walk towards the front door of our apartment. "Chotto Matte!" His hand quickly reached and grasped my wrist to hold me back. The contact made me snap and I wrenched my hand painfully from his powerful grasp and in the momentum, I swung it back, slapping his cheek with the back of my hand.
The loud *smack*-sound my hand made against his skin wasn't satisfactory. That red welt beginning to appear didn't appease my growing anger and his apologetic, cerulean eyes weren't enough either. He just stared at me, knowing he probably deserved more than a bitch slap.
"I can't believe you!" I finally yelled at him. As if he really were guilty, he looked down, avoiding my gaze. "I gave EVERYTHING to you and this is what I get in return?!"
"It…It was an accident." I had to restrain myself from snorting at his lame justification.
"An accident?" Relena's voice seemed genuinely hurt. Sparing a glance to her, my blood boiled again when I saw her standing at the doorway of our bedroom wearing one of Heero's tank tops. Wearing HIS clothing! That did it for me. I glared half-heartedly at Heero (glaring half heartedly only because the other half was slowly breaking my heart and I wanted to cry) and he winced like it had actually physically hurt him.
Oh, dammit. I am SO not going to break down and cry in front of her. Even though I've just had my heart torn apart, I'm not going to shed a single tear because boys don't cry. I'm not weak damn it. I'm going to be calm. I'm going to be controlled. And I was going to walk out the door with my utmost dignity before I cry and bawl like a girl.
I think it hurt even more when Heero didn't even come after me when I walked out.
I cried myself to sleep that night. It felt so unfamiliar since I hadn't done it in 9 years; since I was taught that boys don't cry. I know, I told myself that I wasn't going to cry over this. I really tried to hold it, I really did. But the pain got so strong that I thought my chest would just burst from the pressure. So, I lay on the motel bed, crying until I was just too tired to do anything else but lie there and stare at the ceiling.
I was plagued with too many mental images of those hideous, adulterous acts. Haunting me, they wouldn't let me sleep. Angry questions took over my mind. Why? How could he? I had given up my job and life with Hilde the minute he appeared on my doorstep. I had broken her heart and lost a valuable friend when I agreed to return to earth with him instead of staying with her. I had given up my annoying habits, my dignity and pride to make him happy. I gave him my heart and he did this to me! The betrayal felt so heavy upon me, like an invisible force crushing me under, overpowering me.
Cars, driving by, lit my ceiling with eerie glowing white light. I watched the bright patterns they made as I drowned in my depressing thoughts. What did this mean anyway? Did he cheat on me because he loved Relena? That question made my breath hitch and my eyes burn with tears again. No. I couldn't… didn't want to believe that Heero would leave me for her.
Sleep never came that night, but thankfully, I was able to hold back the rest of my tears for another day.
"Ow!" I stuck the hurting finger into my mouth, tasting the bitter tang of my blood. Funny how I survived the war as a gundam pilot and I still all get whiny over a paper cut.
"Are you ok, Maxwell?" Huh? Following the source of the voice, I looked a few desks down the aisle since we didn't have cubicles to give us privacy.
"Oh, Wufei. I'm fine. Just a paper cut." He shuffled a bit before coming over to hand me a band-aid. I murmured a "thanks" before fumbling around with the thing. Unfortunately, I just happen to be butter fingered today and took forever to unsuccessfully stick the thing on. He finally took my hand and put it on for me and I felt heat rushing to my cheeks, having being baby-ed like this, especially over some small paper cut.
I think about a year back, Wufei was forced to take the job as Relena's bodyguard when Heero turned down the offer. Things didn't work out well with Sally. She was too busy working and he didn't want to settle being second important. So, they broke up and he wanted some time away from the whole Preventer's thing, to get away from her I suppose, so he became a bodyguard. Eventually though, Wufei reentered the force, joined our branch of Preventers just a few months ago and I've gotten pretty close to him surprisingly. I never really got to know him very well during the war, but now, in our office, we had time to talk and learn about each other. We get along really well. He's like another brother from another mother.
The problem came when he asked me out to a harmless lunch; that was before he knew that Heero and I were seeing each other. Heero, overhearing our conversation, over reacted and had to act possessive and scare the hell out of everyone by giving Wufei a black eye in the middle of our office. Obviously, that scared everyone off in less than a half a minute. After that, Wufei became cautious around me and more or less backed off.
Heero and I had an argument about it by the time we got back home. I was upset that he was treating me like I was some THING that belonged to him and he was ranting about how I was going to cheat on him. Ch…The irony.
I sighed unhappily before Wufei let go of my hand. "Are you ok? You don't look too good."
"Thanks a lot." I shot back wryly. "I'm fine. Just didn't get a lot of sleep last night." I shot a glance a few desks down to look to meet Heero's startling blue eyes staring back…. he had an ugly bruise on his cheek. I hadn't hit him that hard did I? A bit guiltily, I forced myself to turn away and looked back at Wufei, but I saw his shoulders slump through my peripheral vision. I shifted uncomfortably in my borrowed Preventer's uniform since I hadn't gone home to change into my own.
"So, how come you're so quiet today?" Wufei asked, combing his fingers through his dark, black hair to get it out of his eyes. He wears it down now instead of his old, tight ponytail. Personally, I like it down better; it looks very pretty like this. As I observed its glossiness, I shrugged.
"'Umm… I don't really wanna talk about it right now. No offense." He flashed me a nonchalant smile. It used to be nerve wracking to see him smile. He used to be so serious during the war. But he's changed a lot, we all have. "Hey, it's ok. It's just that, the office is a lot quieter today. It's kind of nerve wracking." He smiled to show that he was trying to lighten up the mood. There was a minute of silence as he waited for me to smile back or something, but I couldn't. Nothing seemed to want to go along with me today, not even my own body. "You seem so glum…. Want to go have a drink later and talk about it?" Wufei actually fidgeted nervously under my cautious and hesitant stare.
I peeked over at Heero through the corners of my eyes to see if he was paying attention. God, I needed to get out of here, away from him. This time, Heero won't be pulling any stunt like last time Wufei had asked. "That sounds like a great idea. I'll meet you in the lobby when my shift's over. OK?"
Wufei looked incredibly pleased as he nodded and walked back to his desk. With that, I gave Heero a defiant look, full of scorn and anger, before returning back to my work.
I checked my watch for the umpteenth time. Three more minutes 'til I could get out of this place and I still hadn't gotten anything done! If I was going to keep getting distracted, I might as well not have shown up for work! Standing up, I rubbed my tired eyes.
"Duo." Every time, he says my name to perfectly like it's some kind of holy word from his lips. Heero had snuck up beside me, standing a bit too close for comfort. "Duo, I'm sorry." I couldn't meet his eyes, afraid that I'd be weak and give in to whatever he wanted me to do. He had done something wrong. If I looked at him, all-rational thought would have left and I'd forgive him too easily. He has that much power over me.
I noisily shuffled the papers on my desk into a neat pile, trying to distract myself from his consuming presence. "A simple sorry isn't going to cut it, Heero." I thought I saw him wince.
"Look, can this conversation wait until I get home?" I asked wearily. The office was not the greatest place to have a private argument.
"You're coming home then?" His voice was drowning in a hopeful tone. He used to be so well at hiding his emotions.
"Yea, I need to drop by and get some of my clothes. I can't wear the same thing and borrow other people's uniforms over and over again, ya know." His hand grabbed the sleeve of my shirt quickly before I could leave the desk.
"So…you're going to leave me again?…" I looked down to where his strong hand was holding onto me.
"Heero, let go." I demanded simply, giving a little test tug to get my sleeve free. "People are looking at us." I felt his grip slacken as he looked around to see if I was telling the truth. I never lie. "We'll talk about it later. OK?" Without waiting for an answer, I gave another forceful tug, finally breaking free and walked out to meet up with Wufei.