Get A Real Job
Remember that tune they play in movies when the sun gracefully rises over the Earth, the soft angelic symphony sauntering through the clouds and mists of the morning air…
How the hell do you think we wake up?
Glasses breaking and a loud scream followed by a sound of heavy thumping of footsteps down the hall and then you find me. Laid out in the arms of total comfort…till he wakes up and takes your blanket leaving you freezing your ass off because daddy war bucks forgot the pay the damn heating bill in the dead of winter on earth!
Do I sound just a bit irritated? That is the look I was going for. I open up my eyes to the glaring light of the cheerful morning and then make a low groaning sound as my…you can say lover, I can say pillow greets me.
"Morning Duo. Sleep well?"
"Well, aren't we a just a ray of fucking sunshine?" I roll over to feel a hand grasp around my leg and pull me out of the bed with a hard thump.
I will not repeat what I said when that happened, children would hear: I would get in trouble and lose my cute and adorable license. Not happening.
Anyway, I get into the shower; it is nice and hot. Oh, the joys of a nice long hot shower, and they are better when you are allowed time to soak up the wonderful mist…way before your lover decided to get frisky and join you. There are times when you wish you didn't rub off on a person and then the times you are really glad you did.
So there we were, Heero and me. I was rubbing his back and he was rubbing mine along with other things, then we do things that weren't even considered in the Joy of Sex…issue #500, I checked. I think the person that wrote the Kama Sutra would blush at the things we did.
Okay, now with your hentai minds full and you gapping at my naked ass, I take two towels to dry my hair as Heero gets our clothing. Like I am stepping out of a warm bathroom to a below zero room, let his buddies freeze. Oh that is horrible of me to say, since it is me who likes to play with them. I begin to laugh in the cotton towel when he comes in, looking at me with that look.
You've probably seen it a few times. The 'were you dropped as a child you psychotic baka' look. I sometimes just screw up on purpose just to see it. Shows that he cares long enough to think of what you did, why you did it, and then why the hell he is helping you.
That's my lover, the mute half the time, till he met me.
Now I can't get him to shut up.
All dressed and cleaned up: we head downstairs where Wufei decided to burn breakfast…boy can catch water on fire.
Now, me, walking down the steps in one piece is another story. We live in a dilapidated apartment with two stories. The stairwell is dark and a few steps are missing. You never lived till you find Heero caught in a hole, only his head sticking out and glaring at something which you find to be a big ass hairy rat.
As I was talking to you, I hit the board and skidded the rest of my way down flat on my ass in front of everyone, who took upon themselves to laugh at my misfortunes. Don't worry, I'd do the same.
"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?" Trowa looked over his coffee cup, "You think after three month's of living here that you would remember the steps."
"Fuck you bang boy." I get up and dust the long grains of splinters off my slacks.
"Yah, that cute body of yours makes me hot." He rolled his eyes and went back to his coffee.
"Sorry Trowa. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth." Now I felt better. Wufei just about inhaled his black tea through his nose. I love it when he does stuff like that. "Hey Wu? Drinking works from the mouth. Nice tip from me to you."
I point and winked, making him want to kill me more. And I can bet he will blame me for it too. That is how the cookie crumbles. "Why are you living with us anyway? Don't Sally have the nice flat and bitchen' ride?"
Wufei's lip quivers a bit as he looked down, "On'na kicked me out."
Oh shit. You know when you are in the wrong when you make Wufei cry. "Did you ever call her once by her name? That might get you one day."
That helped. Mental note: kick my own ass. "Did you get her flowers? I mean after that situation with Quatre's sister and she didn't hate me. The more you spend the more is shows you love her."
"Really? How much do you spend on Heero?"
Oh, hardball. "My entire paycheck went to him."
"Funny Duo, are you saying I take too much from you?" Heero leaned down to my ear.
I jump about five feet in the air and on my broken ass. He is too quiet!
"No! I mean, we needed to pay the rent and electricity! Don't sneak up on me please?" I begged, he cannot resist. Lying on the big puppy dog eyes, blinking with my wonderful long eyelashes. I can cry on the drop of a hat. Quatre thought he was good, but I can bend the cold steel of Heero's heart. Beat that blondie!
Speaking of mighty midget, here he comes. I shouldn't be so mean to Quatre; he is always there for you to lean on. No, literally the boy is short. I think the only reason why he and Trowa get along is because he can reach the top shelf.
"Heero, could you at least talk to my sister. Ira is not that bad when she is in a good mood."
"Do I look like a fucking people person?" Heero started to open the morning Gazette. "Why don't Duo do it."
Oh yah, like that will happen.
"Do you remember the little incident at the wedding? Let me refresh your memory. I put your gift in the wrong stack and she ended up getting it."
Since when did women not like getting a 6 pack of lube, a couple of porn tapes and assorted edible underwear.
Okay, she had reason to get pissed at me; they did a recall on edible underwear for causing food poisoning. Better her then me, last thing any guy would want is the runs for a week. Sex with Heero is enough to keep me standing up for a few hours. Eh, don't worry about me, he ends up sleeping in his stomach for a week.
"Why is Ira mad at you Quat?" Stupid question, but had to ask.
"She don't think I can manage the business after that little problem with the stock market. Like I have control over that stuff. Anyway, she wants me to get a job and prove that I can handle things on my own." Sipping his tea quietly.
"You're unemployed, how is that helping you?" Heero's eyes began to scrunch, not usually a good sign.
"Yes, but there is nothing out there for my qualifications."
Okay, time for me to intervene, so I slapped the back of his head. "You're tell us that we been working our ass's off at the crappy post in Preventers, and you're saying they're not good enough?"
"I didn't say that, but you guys were offered the jobs there, not me. So I thought they didn't have anything for me to do."
Well, Heero's turn.
"You are coming down to headquarters with us, you are getting a job, and we won't kill you for another week." Heero leaned on the table and stared at the little blonde till he was shrinking in his seat.
Ah, the smell of the Preventer's Headquarters. Lost souls, old guns, and tangy aroma of cheap ass coffee. Home sweet Hell.
Quatre was immediately fitted for the uniform. The most expensive piece of clothing I own, and I have a leather fetish.
Lady Une gave him the grand tour while we went to our office…or broom closet. Call it what you will. Miss Une has this thing for sticking us all in the same room so when one of us goes psycho, we are all in it together. I think it will be Trowa, the quiet ones are always first to go.
"And this Mr. Winner is the office. We will get your desk in here in a few minutes." She scooted him in our dank underworld.
"This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting! And I already live with them, must I work with them?" He couldn't even fit inside the office, not alone get a desk to go with him.
"It's not so bad Quatre." I begin to make my eyes go all googly and begin chewing on a pencil, "We're all friends here." I make a sadistic laugh and he look at me glaring.
Lady Une began to dig in her jacket.
"Hit the deck! Glasses alert!" We all fall to the floor, you can even hear us shaking under the small wooden tables.
Taking out a slip of paper, Une bends down to see under my desk. I have been close to pissing myself, but this is ridiculous.
"This is my Doctor's number. He can help you." She gave me that fake smile and shitty 'you asshole' grin and stopped by Wufei's desk. "Oh, and Chang, my five year old nephews are visiting, take care of them while I am out."
"If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat." He got out and readjusted the loose fitting shirt.
"We had him last week. Best meatloaf we had Trowa."
I only saw the bang begin to dip out and then fly back under the desk.
"You didn't eat my cat, that is just sick Duo." The Chinese man sat back down and glared at something on the wall.
"Hell, we would be reduced the cannibalism, right Miss Une?" She merely glared and walked off.
"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?" I call out; I love messing with her. It is somewhat of a game to us. "I still got mine." Throwing Heero a kiss, he just shook his head.
Wufei was now hitting his head on the table. "I don't want to take care of those, those…hellions! I rather take care of Duo's kids."
Damn, that has to be bad. "Hey Heero. I'm pregnant! Twins!" I look over to see him turn fives shades of red, then a few shades of blue, and then white. Hell, Relena couldn't do that to him.
I feel proud.
The clock hits one o'clock. Break time!
So, from doing about six hours of mind numbing paperwork, a break is a nice thing. Heero and me usually spend it making out in the coffee room, Wufei calls Sally's answering machine just to hear her voice then hangs up.
We are afraid to ask.
I am enjoying my sandwich, Heero on a chair and me straddling him engaging in a nice tongue battle.
Heero makes a low growl and stares deep into my eyes, "Let me show you how the guards used to do it."
Heaven! I'm in Heaven!
We don't care who walks in, as long as they don't bother us. Now there are exceptions to the rule and he usually comes in right about…now!
"Fuck man, can't you keep things to yourselves?"
Good ol' Robert. I hate the guy. Been on my case since he started.
"Hey, when you got this between your legs, you can't stop." I raise my eyebrows and smile seductively. I make it an art form.
"Every day when I get my coffee, I have to read a Playboy to keep me from getting sick." He began to stir in sugar and cream in the black brew.
"I posed for one of those, of course airbrushing my dick out was a challenge." Heero has his head on my neck, stifling the laughter. It's the same shit everyday with him.
"Is there any good lesbian porn not violated by you filth bags?" Robert glared and took a swig of his coffee.
"Oh, by the way. Me and Heero made the cream." I get up, dragging Heero by his tie behind me.
Robert passed out and lay in a puddle on the floor.
Mission, completed. I love my job!
Sounds of heels clacking and tapping on the floor gets my attention while I started to kissing Heero again. We were destined to never be alone.
I turn to see Danielle strutting her stuff and stopping to look at the break room. "Why is Robert on the floor?"
Okay, I was mean enough to torture the boy, everyone knows he has been after her tail for awhile.
Heero smile evilly, "He was hitting on Duo, so I hit him." He grabbed my ear between my teeth as I held back the laughter.
"You're kidding me. He is like the biggest homophobe here."
"The closet ones always are."
Okay, now it is getting too funny.
"Too bad, I was going to ask if he wanted to go to dinner with me, but oh well. And besides, I want to keep myself open for you two." She grabbed our belts and kissed our cheeks.
Now, enough stimulation for the day, our break was over. Back to the Hell bin.
Now, the freak show hasn't even started yet. Oh Hell no.
Trowa finally cracked. Sitting at his desk making buzzing sounds. I lost the bet. I had like two more weeks posted on him.
"Trowa? You okay?"
Bang boy go loopy.
"I was just thinking and buzzing helps me think." Trowa looked back down to his paper work.
You know we believed him.
Shaking my head I see that the custodian rearranged the office to where we had only the space of our desks to work. Fine by me.
Quatre walks in and sees his position. His desk was arranged so that he would have to crawl under the desk just to get to his chair. That was entertaining.
"Guys, I think I'm stuck!" His butt was wiggling in the air.
"Um, okay. Trowa, pull him out."
Alright! Tug of war! I like midget bowling, but what the hay.
Wufei came in looking as bad as I insulted him this morning, but smiled as he saw the situation.
See, Quatre is good influence, he gets himself in situations that cheer us up. "Need help?"
"And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?" Okay, now blondie was pissed.
Standing on our desks, Heero and me lifted the large table off the cursing boy. "Sorry, okay, lets turn it around."
Dropping the heavy piece of junk in place we looked at Quatre.
"So, this is a job. I'm calling Ira. Screw my pride."
"Aw, isn't it cute Heero. Our little Quatre is all grown up." I pinched his cheeks and ran for cover.
"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer." Trowa laughed and went back to buzzing.
It is now six o'clock! Time to leave this dump to go to our dump. Hopefully, Ira will take pity on us and let us stay at one of the estates. Hope, hope, hope!
Now, I take you down the trail of tears. Why is it called that? Because there is so many damn women slapping your ass you're crying by the end of the hallway, then you have to sign out with the wicked witch of the west. No, not Une…she has the north and east posts.
Zsuzanna was asleep at her desk, murmuring "I will never surrender! Take that you scum!" She was a solider for the alliance awhile back and has flashbacks, they are pretty entertaining on the odd days, but this is an even day.
I truly hate to wake her, but the time clock is messed up and we have to check through the secretary.
"Hey? Zsuzu. Wake up, we want to go." I nudge her as she grabs my hand and flips me over.
Okay, not a good idea, now my ass really hurts.
"I am so sorry Duo! You okay?"
So sincere…but my body says something different. "Is there a day when you people don't abuse me?"
Trowa walks by and smirks, "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
Great, she is laughing at me or the joke about me, or both.
"Bad memory and you pretty much got in the way of it. I am sorry." She pens us out as I see a box next to her.
"Hey, chocolates." Raising an eyebrow and looking around for Heero.
"Yah, my kids are selling them for a new computers in their school. Two credits a piece."
You know me; I cannot resist any shape or form of sugar. But last year I found out I am diabetic…I suffer so. Take pity on me.
Grabbing my wallet I feel a tug at my braid pulling me down. Take a wild ass guess who that was?
"No chocolate Duo." He hands over some credits to Zsuanna; "Here is a donation."
Bastard didn't even ask if it was sugar free. Jerk. So you know I'm going to whine and complain the entire ride home…but I see Wu-man with the brats and then I don't feel as bad.
"I want ice-cream!"
"I want candy!"
"I want a toy!"
"I want something to drink!"
The twins were pulling at his arms and screaming as loud as possible.
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?" He picked the kids up by the back of their pants and glared full force. "Let me tell you a story about justice in this world and then I will ask if you think you deserve anything?"
Sally walks in from her shift and looks at Wufei handling the kids. "He would be a great father if it wasn't for that stick up his ass."
Okay, that was funny…but no time to laugh when you're being lead by the braid to the car.
My turn to cook, and as usual I have everyone watching me so I don't kill them.
I'm a great cook! No! Really I am!
I look off to my side as Trowa reads the evening paper as Quatre stares at him or glares. Who the hell knows.
"What Quatre?" He says in his 'I'm tired, just tell me voice.'
"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality." His head is propped up so cutely on his hands, but that don't keep the clown from rolling up the newspaper and bopping the boy in the head.
"I'm trying to imagine you tied up to the bed."
I begin to laugh, "Well, the way those beds are made, Quatre could break it."
"Nice Duo, just nice." He shakes his head and leans into his coffee cup.
"Me and Heero don't use handcuffs, my wrists are dainty and I get out of them."
It is the truth…those little wrist rings slip off faster then a silk nightie on a waterbed.
"Duo?" Heero is giving me the look again. Wow, two in one day…not a record by a long shot.
"What? I can't remember if I am the good twin or the bad one."
Silence fills the air.
"Don't scare us like that Duo." Trowa is holding his heart and heaving.
You know when you're loved when the thought of another you scares the shit out of everyone you know.
Through the silence, you could hear Wufei screaming at the top of his lungs and loud thumps.
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?!?"
Scrunching my brow and looking towards Heero, "What the hell is wrong with him?"
"Probably a rat again. Told him just to piss and leave it alone, but he insists on flushing it."
"Don't kill it! We could cook it!" Everyone looks at me in disgust, "Just a joke, geeze we ain't that poor yet."
"We won't be much longer. Ira heard our predicament and insists we go live in one of our houses about an hour away.
Alright, you think by now that blondie wouldn't suggest better homes and gardens to our hell while I am in the kitchen…only mere inches away from the butcher knives.
"You mean, you own a house here?"
"Get packing! I don't care if I have to sit on the steps or pick the fucking lock! I want out of here!" Over dramatic? Not by a long shot…now I am on the floor beating the ground. Now it is dramatic!
"We have to pay the last of the rent and give a notice before we can leave."
Trowa, almighty brain…like that is going to stop me.
"I see, so we can live there and Quatre could live here since he likes it so much."
"Wait a minute! I could buy up this dump and reconstruct it. Besides, I want us to all be together."
"You bitch!" I spat.
"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."
Okay, now it is on! I try to jump the midget, but Heero grabs me around the waist just as I'm close to scratching out his eyes. I try to get out of the Yuy death lock, but like his kisses, he ain't letting go.
"I lived in cardboard boxes better then this! I for once want to sit on the damn John with a magazine like any normal guy and not worry about a rat trying to take refuge up my ass! Or turn on the light without hearing the sound of cockroaches cooking and go up and down the stairs without killing myself!!!!!" By the time I am done ranting, I am pretty much out of breath and Quat is staring at me like I had a point.
He had luxury his entire life and so one little problem in life he can skip over because he knows things get better. Now for the rest of us, we dodged bad places, lived in pits and alleyways most of our lives, so this pretty much brings us down and make us feel nothing is getting better, just worse.
He looks down, "I am sorry. I thought we could get this together and work together to you know, make it ours. I guess I am wrong."
"If you want us to work together on something, how about a cabin in the woods or a house. What is a ruin usually stays that way unless you have the tools to fix it, and we don't by a long fucking shot."
Okay…now this dump is sounding like us personally. I mean we were all broke and batterd after the war, and we were in bad shape. Nothing wanted us. But it took each other to fix things. "I not mad now. But, we need to at least have something good to fall on before we try
tricks like this again."
"Yea, I cannot take this anymore either. More likely tearing the friendship we have."
"So it is settled then?" Heero still hung close to my hips.
"Yah, lets go home."
After all that you think we lived happily?
Not if Lady Une had a hand in the game, she's our neighbor…and Heero and my window is by her bedroom.
Let's just say, she gets even at work.
Sitting at my desk, hand ever so lightly messing with Heero's knee; I hear him groan in pain and thump his head repeatedly on the desk.
"I'm sorry." I turn back to my own work.
He turns his head slightly, "No, not that. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?"
Rubbing softly at his back, "If it involves you and me in a nice hot bath, then you'll have to suffer koi."
Giving me a raspberry and sitting back up, he goes back to work…making a buzzing sound.
Une walked in with another stack and drops it on my desk.
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?" Smiling evilly at her.
She makes a high pitched laugh and stops short to roll her eyes. "I need someone to watch my dog while I am out next week. Do you guys mind?"
"I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a fire. That damn dog is nuts!"
"Fine, I'll put him in the kennel."
Trying not to laugh, "You sure they still take dogs with pedigrees in mental institutions?"
"Ha ha ha. So he has a thing for trying to bite Heero.
Heero glared, "Tried to bite me? That little bastard did bite me. I couldn't sit down for a week."
With the ever-witty Lady Une, "Aw, and I thought it was from other reasons." She looked in my direction of course.
"Fine, we'll close our window more often, geeze."
Well, that did that conversation in. Slamming the door, it opened to show Wufei and Quatre.
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?" Heero looked up.
They did look like shit, like they been taking care of a rabid tiger or something.
"Une's dog Frisky." Wufei choked out.
"It was loose and we tried to get in the house before he got us. It was horrible." Quatre wanted to cry…so Trowa and I were left off of demon dog's list of victims: just peachy. Dog had more mental problems then Une.
"Well, at least we didn't get bitten, just scratched up a bit." Wufei sat down at his desk as Heero glared daggers.
"Oh, like I bent over to get bit on the ass by that…that…what the hell is it?"
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? Big ol' Heero got bit by the hound of hell." Fei snapped.
"Part Jack Russell terrier part Rottweiler." I said as I threw down my folder to pick up another one.
"Is that possible?" Quatre looked confused.
"What? Which one, Heero has an ego or that those two species and can produce together."
I look confused myself, hell, if little ol' sweet me can be with Heero…anything is possible.
Hours passed and we were starting to sling pencils up on the ceiling. With a loud groan, "Man! I need a real job!"
Trowa looked up, "Would they take you anywhere else?"
"No." Sighing, I reopen my report and keep working.
Strange thing is, I found myself buzzing…
((My friend has a dog just like Frisky…the blasted thing is psychotic!))