Disclaimer: Don't own Gundam Wing or the bad play on words from Kids In The Hall.

Pairings: 1x2, 5xS, 3x4, 6x9, RxD…basic junk
Category: PWP, Humor, OOC
Rating: S…for stupid thought
Warnings: Don't try to find the logic or any intelligence in this thing…you will fail. Cursing and major stupidity ahead.
Feedback: It feeds Ego and keeps her from eating Heero's spandex which turns very violent when she is caught.

Notes: Don't ask and Don't tell is my motto.

Preventer's Softball
by Lady Tora

It was softball day for the Preventer teams; Officers on one side with Noin as their captian and the Enlisted on the other with Zechs, both were vying for Commander Une's attention and fifteen percent pay raise.

The sun was shining brightly while the noonday air was filled with the screams and shouts over the field.

"Damn it Wu! Throw the fucking ball before I come over there and beat you with my damn glove!"

A small timid voice from the right field replied, "Geez Q, Don't be so hard on him. It's just a game." Duo crouched and waited another ten minutes while Wufei argued over what pitch he should throw to the man asleep at plate.

"Just throw it or we use you in midget bowling again!" Heero lifted his head so he could get a good angle glare while he was using the first base as a pillow.

"If you throw the ball I will screw you on home plate!" Sally lifted her catcher's mask.

Looking up with a wide grin, "Really?"

"No." She put her mask back down and squatted, hitting the thick padded glove as she yelled loudly to wake up the hitter.

The game presumed, a few strikes and a few smacks later and the Officers were at all bases, Woo was on first, Watt was on second and Idono was on third.

Noin knew it was time to bring out the big guns.

"Heero, this time will you hit the ball without maiming anyone?"

A quick smile and sling of the bat over his shoulder said: 'good luck trying'.

The outfield ran to the safe protections of anything as the basemen did a tornado drill. Bat in hand, Heero spat on the ground and toed the dirt. Positioning his new weapon and grinding his gloves for a tight grip he looked forward and nodded.

The pitcher tossed a chalk bag back and forth and rubbed his hands together to gather the powder on all the surface of his hands. Placing his glove on slowly, lifting his arms and leg into the air and threw a hard pitch right into the Japanese man's exposed hip.

No movement, no pain, just a cold glare rolling off the crimson blues.

"Oh shit…get ready to pull a guy off payroll, he's goin' to die." Duo took his hat off in respect of the man's spirit, which would be transferred out of his body in two seconds.

The Ref called for a walk only to see the eyes turned towards him; "I want another pitch." Heero's head swiveled back and lowered as he eyed the gulping pitcher. His hands wrapped around the cheap wooden bat, cracking it down the center with force.

The pitcher looked over towards his coach who did a few hail Mary's and did the sign of the cross on his chest. The rest of his team had their heads bowed.

The pitch came hard again but over the plate.



Heero hit the ball with so much force he slipped on the sandy ground. His bat shattered in pieces and the sound of a hurt yelp caressed his pleased ears. The large softball bounced off the ground as it was hit down and bounced up hitting the arrogant pitcher in his 'happy' sack.

The bat-girl looked over towards Noin and tugged at her jersey, "I started wars less violent then company softball."

"Tell me about it, Mariemaia."

Running the bases with a low chuckle and tossing his hat off the Une, she put her head down in her hands trying to act sympathetic to the guy who crossed a Gundam pilot and lost, but laughed in her seat.

After his little victory lap, Heero walked into the Officer's dugout were a few who knew that was coming shook his hand along with Woo, Watt, and Idono. He stopped short of where Duo was sitting, put his head down on his lap and sniffled, "I got an owie."

"Don't worry baby, I'll kiss it and make it all better."

The bat-girl tugged at the couch's jersey again, "I'm too young to listen to this."

"Me too kid." Noin marked out a little man on the chalkboard marking the number of injured on the other team. "If they keep this up we won't have any one to bring up coffee tomorrow."

Quatre walked out of the dug out dragging the bat behind him when a slight feminine voice from the crowed got his attention.

"Oh Quatre, will you please wear this hat for me? It would be so nice to advertise my fashions." A cute smile hidden smirk crossed her lips as her companion shock her head and mouthed the words 'Don't do it!'

Taking the small green hat from Dorothy, Quatre put it on and began to violently shake. One eye twitched constantly as the other one began to dilate. Foam formed from his mouth as he laughed maniacally.

"It's called 'Zero Collection'. Hope you like!" She took up her camera and watched the carnage as Noin added more crossed out chalk men on the board.

Wufei watched as he friend was lead back into the pit in a cross jacket and muzzle, "He don't even need the Zero system to be scary." Taking bat from Mariemaia, Sally touched his shoulder.

"Why don't you take Big Bad Sally?" She purred in his ear.

"Er, because you would kill me." He gulped as she thrusted the bat into his hands.

"Take care of her and maybe I'll take care of you Wu Wu." Tickling behind his ear the Chinese man began to melt and act stupidly.

From his position on the bench, fronting a 'Jock Strap Inspector' T-shirt, Duo began to make coughing noises to get Wufei out. "Wu, hurry it up so you can get laid and we can go home already! Damn."

"At least I get to be on top tonight!"

Wufei left to the hitting box as Duo looked over at his lover's injured hindquarters, "Damn."

The day ended as it started, with cursing and injuries. Sally chased Wufei home for hurting Big Bad Sally, Trowa got hat hair, Quatre was put under supervision at the local Nut house, Duo got gum in his hair and carried Heero over his shoulder while Heero had a sign posted on his lover's back that said: 'Sucker'. Relena puked up the cheap hotdog on Dorothy's 'Zero Collection' dress, Mariemaia learned some new words, Noin had a headache while Zechs lost a bet.

Une looked up from her box at the setting sun and then looked down at her taped copy of the day's event and then pondered how much a bunch of crazy fan-girls would pay to have their own.

-=The freaken' bloody end!=-


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