July twenty-third, AC 207
Talking with Heero can be really unnerving. He has a way of asking just the right questions without even knowing it, and without understanding the full meaning of the answers he gets. Sometimes it's like he has all the answers for others and for himself, but trouble forming the right questions.
The other day he all but wanted to have me explain 'love' for him - talk about mission impossible. If there is any single term worse to fully explain than 'war', it is 'love'. Both are so basic in human existence we'll probably find the meaning of life when we figure out those two words completely.
With the sandstorm still raging, it's been much more difficult to stay in the shadows, unnoticed. Avoiding the others - Quatre - has been almost impossible, and I don't know how long I can keep up a facade of nothing when he's around. At least I haven't had to face him down to just his pool trunks and all oiled up these last few days.
Since Heero is still working on that answer, I haven't been all too keen on starting more talks with him. As a result, most of my socializing these past two days has been with Duo or Wufei - or both together, when I've felt in the mood for a bickering match. It's strange how they constantly argue, when you know there's not any real animosity between them. Yes, they beat each other until they both got some lovely blue eye shades the other day, but I think that was more a compact to work out pent-up frustrations. Neither of them seems willing to talk about what's truly bugging them, and so they have to find other ways to vent. To bottle it all up is to wait for an explosion.
I feel like going off, myself, sometimes.
Good thing this place has many bathrooms.
Those little moments of fancy and fantasy are no good in the long run, though. If anything, they make matters worse. How many times can I imagine kissing Quatre before I suddenly find myself at his face, without any pretext to be there - and then what would I say? Come clean right then and there? Unlikely - and what possible excuse could I make up? 'Oh, I thought you weren't breathing and went CPR'?
I know Quatre has definitely caught on that something's not right. I knew he would, he always does. If there is one place I would never have been able to infiltrate, it'd have to be Winner HQ, because he can see straight through me in a way Lady Une and Dekim never could - and yet, he's blind to my problem, or at least I think he is. Hope he is. For if he can see what I feel for him, why wouldn't he respond in some way?
I'm tempted to find some excuse and leave, but the sandstorm is preventing all such notions, and I'm left as antsy as Wufei.
Heero used to talk about 'acting on your emotions'. I believe he meant instinct and gut reactions rather than the sappy, sentimental types of emotion, but I'm starting to wonder whether it wouldn't be best applied to other situations as well. If I'm going to be miserable either way, why not take the chance and tell Quatre the truth? Tell him exactly what my thoughts and feelings are? In the worst case scenario, we'd be no less together than we already are.
To hell with this.
Another note... when I've asked him,
- T. B.