disclaimers: the boy's aren't mine. i just play with them for my own amusement.

rating: R
pairings: none
warnings: Heero's POV, shonen-ai, general weirdness, sap, *severe angst*
spoilers: no, but some episode based events
feedback: always welcome ^_^
notes: huge thanks to enigma for helping me over this hurdle !! and yes, the truth hurts e !!!!

this piece was inspired by this beautiful [ watercolor painting ] done by the unbelievablely talented [ baby pen ]
the image resides here with the express permission of the artist.

the object of my obsession
by jana

I am unable to say for certain at which point all of my carefully calculated rational thought was blown to hell, only that it was.

It didn't happen overnight, it was a slow, at times torturous process, the delightful onset of my decline into uncontrollable obsession… a journey I am not embarrassed to say I have, for the most part, enjoyed.

Given my intense training, an uninformed spectator might surmise that nothing that could affect me in such a way, then one surely knows nothing of Duo Maxwell.

A Gundam pilot?


An angel.....born amongst the stars, unknowingly descended to earth along side me...... a killer...... a savior.

I watched him from the corner of my eye at the dock the day I fell to earth. A thin braided boy dressed in black, cap covering his eyes.... his weapon pointed at me. I was powerless against him even then. There was no hesitation as both hands pulled the trigger, sending his bullets to tear through my flesh.

His voice reprimanded me as I continued my quest despite his warnings, stern and unyielding, he fired upon me again...... thoughts of the mysterious stranger still haunting me even as I lay face down in the water, reconciled to death, his strong hands pulling me without question from the icy tide.

I think I knew then that I needed him..... though he angered me so. I was crass and deliberately hurtful, not even thanking him for saving my life, nonetheless accepting his assistance as he assured my escape, the gentle way his arms surrounded me, carrying the weight of my injured form to safety........ I trusted him.

"You weren't supposed to save me."

I tried to understand him..... the talkative young man, though I none too politely told him to shut up as he sat babbling on the mid-section of Wing, doubting my abilities...... passing judgement on me.... carrying on about my broken leg. It was always about the mission….. my life was only about the mission....... but he just couldn't understand someone like me.

Though none of it was enough to stop my twisted destiny, thoughts of him were the last ones to cross my mind as I lay my thumb on that switch..... of the things I wanted to tell him. A simple thank you for making my existence that much less painful..... that I was fortunate to have known him.... things I could never say..... things I couldn't even bear to hint at.... I would have to leave him, never having uttered the simplest nicety....at least not out loud.....and not in his presence... I hadn't even told him my name.


But I survived my second attempt at self-destruction, aided by yet another Gundam pilot, disappointedly not the one I wished to see. I slowly regained my health and set off once more to seek my death, this time at the hands of those whose loved one I had inadvertently murdered...... it was the only thing I could do..... I was ready to accept my death, whenever the call came..... it was expected of me.

"I was supposed to die with honor."

I saw his bruised and battered face when they captured him, the vision on the tv screen leaving me cold..... or perhaps just colder.......

They dragged him off to confinement, his bloodied face hung low in shame against his chest. My instinct out shadowed all else and with my gun tucked into the waistband of my jeans, I set out to eliminate him..... he had become just another obstacle.... and I couldn't allow myself to think of him as anything but..... until I opened the cell door, throwing one more lifeless casualty into his cell.

His amethyst eyes were warm with recognition and hope and he greeted me as I entered the small space...... mine were dead and cold as I glared with disgust at him from the open doorway. Raising my gun to extinguish his light, something inside of me shuddered as he relinquished his life to what he called the inevitable..... that it was I who was destined to take his life and he closed his bright eyes for what he truly believed to be the last time......succumbing to it.

In that moment something changed between us and there was an understanding, no matter how warped it seemed and I made the painful decision to spare his life. And as he had done for me, I carried his weight, fleeing as a team to safety amidst the return fire of dozens of Oz soldiers.

"I wasn't supposed to let you live."

And we *were* a team, him and I, a highly efficient and effective one..... the Perfect Soldier and the God of Death, Gundam pilots 01 and 02, Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell.... but somehow it just wasn't enough, he wanted more... needed more.... he deserved more..... I could never allow it to happen.

Each new school we enrolled in, we came to share a room. Too close quarters for two boys with similar feelings for one another, a world of difference in how they intended on handling them.... and so the tension mounted and the torture grew...... for both of us.

I allowed his most subtle advances to go without comment, often enjoying the effect I had on him, smiling inside at the frustration my ignoring him caused. But he was tenacious, that Duo Maxwell and he refused to back down, so intent on winning my affection, the affection of a soldier who was to most, emotionally dead and had been almost since birth.... but there was no way he could have known or should have known...I never told him.

My anger flared and I repeated my warnings, at first telling him to shut-up nearly every time he spoke. Even my glares and promises to take his life did nothing to dissuade him. His laughter at my death threats only served to further infuriate me and I finally lashed out at him one night

An unfamiliar feeling of guilt passed through me as he looked up at me from the floor, stunned. A crimson line ran down from his mouth, the pain of the impact still causing my fist to throb, my heart beating a mile a minute..... what had I done?

Yet still, at night, I thought of him, always tender thoughts..... of how I longed to show him how I felt, to show to him and only him that someone else that I was..... that someone other than the Perfect Soldier he had come to know and oddly enough love.

I wondered if he would still feel the same about me if he saw what I was underneath my facade.... or maybe he already had.......


Each day that passed found more hours dedicated to just watching him. He never brought it up to me or mentioned to the others that I had hit him...in fact, his emotions for me seemed constant if not growing...... still desiring to spend time with me..... begging for my attention.... as negative as it was...... he too, it seemed, had issues.

As night fell, I would lie restless in my bed, unwilling to let sleep take me, lest I miss the chance to gaze at him from across the room. Peering over at his small frame, huddled and lost beneath a mound of blankets, I could hear the soft sounds he made as he inhaled and exhaled the air that we shared...... the very idea of it pleasing me.

"One day, I hope I will be able to tell you."

I requested that he accompany me on missions whenever possible, his piloting skills were indisputable and I hated having to leave his side, knowing we could be taken from each other at any time. Quatre and Trowa's involvement and Wufei's preference to work alone, made ease of the chore.

I could sense his displeasure as I involved him in operations involving Relena, knowing that he thought I had an interest in her, and I never made it clear that my systematically saving her was always for the peace and nothing more.

His faith in our ability to bring about her ideal of pacifism wavered as did his faith in his own God, a God whose symbol hung so prominently from his neck.....nothing more than a painful reminder of the deity's death. I was steadfast in maintaining faith in only myself, doubting belief in anyone's God who condoned a war...... allowing such atrocities, cringing as I recalled the unnecessary and untimely demise of one small child and her dog at my own hands.

"Are you lost?"

"I asked you if you were lost?"



He chattered constantly and I referred to him as a baka on more occasions than I care to admit. It was an inaccurate label I'd given him, there was no basis for it.... just another tool to keep him at a safe distance.

I didn't deserve his affection, I never asked for it.......never returned it, yet I craved it..... he was my thread to sanity.

I watched his face change expression over the com..... shifting almost seamlessly between the God of Death and the 15 year old pilot who loved me, it was miraculous that he could retain that part of himself in battle. His darker side was more reserved, and it was Shinigami that skillfully drew his thermal scythe, never flinching as he sliced his way through lines of enemy mobile suits. But I was always me inside the cockpit, my tone rarely fluctuating, surrounded by the cool metal controls of Wing..... the only place I ever felt suited to be.

It was only in my dreams that we connected, when I had abandoned all control, lavishing my companion with all the affection I held for him. And in that state, he wholly consumed me...........

"Perhaps when the war is over."


Radar sensors indicated a pack of Taurus's approaching the lone Gundam and that heart shaped face made its way onto my com screen.

Shinigami's mask already settled into place, he announced his intention to single-handedly take them on until the rest of us arrived. I merely nodded, quickly alerting the others to his situation.

He was well-versed in the art of destruction and more than capable of taking them out..... but there was no need to take chances now….... to put his life at risk.

By the time we arrived on the scene, Deathscythe had already taken a devistating amount of abuse and I suggested that he retreat, leaving myself and the others to take the few reamining suits out. His demeanor was sullen over the com. I could see that he was badly injured and his fatique was clearly visible as he nodded before taking off to safety.

Sighing in relief as I watched him flee the heated battle, I focused my attention on anhiliating the last visible enemies. I turned to see a single suit follow his retreat and I fired at close range on the Taurus suit still at his back.

But I was too late.......the target had been locked on and several missles exploded on impact, hurling Deathscythe high into the air and finally to the ground.


Finishing off the remaining suits, I landed Wing and climbed from its cockpit. I ran to the top of the hill where I had watched his machine go down in a blaze of smoke.

The cockpit door was open and I was able to make out his form lying in the tall grass. My heart began to pound and I gasped as I neared the scene..... he was there..... my braided angel.... so unnaturally still beside the foot of his beloved Deathscythe.

I knelt to take him in my arms and kissed him gently, his lips still warm.

They were so soft against mine.... I always knew that they would be.

I gazed into his beautiful amethyst eyes as they stared up at me, their brilliant sparkle already diminished. "I love you, Duo." I whispered, running my fingers through his hair.... the power of those long kept words bringing me to tears as I rocked him back and forth in what should have been my protective embrace. "I'm so sorry, Duo...I'm so sorry....."

"It was never supposed to be like this."

Reaching my hand behind his head, I removed the small knife he always kept tucked away at the top of his braid. I laid him down next to me and touched his blood-stained face, sliding the back of my hand down his silken skin......taking in his exquisite flawless beauty one last time before bringing my thumbs up to close his still radiant eyes.

I brought his blade to my wrist and drew a deep line over the tender flesh, unflinching as the cool steel made its way through the thin skin.... and my blood flowed down to mingle with his on the grass below us........ the other wrist suffering a similar fate.

And I grieved.......mourning in silence for the lover I never had...... the only thing I had ever truly desired.

Grasping his hand tightly in mine, I lay down beside him and stared up at the smoke filled sky as my vision grew blurry. Each breath was painfully drawn from my chest and I could feel myself slipping away..... aware of someone calling my name, a frantic cry somewhere close by........ voices and commotion.....

"NO, HEERO!!", he cried, bending to cradle my head.

I looked up at Quatre for a moment before giving in to the weight of my eyelids, letting my head fall back. I knew that he understand....

I couldn't concern myself with them now........ there was somewhere else I needed to be.

"I'm almost there......."

I squeezed his hand with the last of my strength as the final glimmer of light faded away.

I shivered as the cold blackness enveloped me.

My body began to tremble and for first time in my short life, I understood what fear was.... and then I heard it........ a faint whisper.

A whisper so soft that it almost escaped my attention. Out of the darkness, a tiny flicker of white light appeared, guiding me toward the sound.... and I recognized it......a voice....... calling out to me by name.

I squinted as the light grew brighter, growing in magnitude until it had all but surrounded me.

A hazy patch of darkness appeared at it's center and I watched as it slowly came into focus, then reached out for me.

I paused before moving forward toward the outstretched hand.... tentatively touching the warm fingertips....

The gentle voice whispered my name again and I grasped at the hand, allowing it to draw me further into the odd brightness that seemed to suspend the still shadowy figure.

I could no longer deny the presence of something greater...... and at that moment I acknowledged the existence of some form of higher being.... maybe I had been wrong....... perhaps there was a God.....

I drew in a deep breath and held it, my eyes closing as two strong arms pulled me forward. It seemed almost an eternity before I softly exhaled...... finally folded into their tender embrace.

I reveled in the divine touch for only seconds before I hesitantly lifted my chin to gaze up at the angel who held me.

His cheeks were stained with tears, yet those bright violet eyes were filled with intense longing that was only rivaled by my own...... and he smiled down at me.........

"I love you too, Heero." he whispered.

It left me speechless and I pulled him closer.

Death held more for me than life ever had.


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