disclaimer: the boys aren't mine. i just manipulate them for my own personal enjoyment.

rating: *this fic is not yet rated*
feedback: it's necessary to live...so, yes!
warnings for entire fic: shounen-ai/yaoi, angst, duo/heero torture, language, small lemon-ish spots(?), AU (AC 200)
spoilers: none
pairings: odd....can't explain but it involves heero and duo and 3X4 implied.

notes: another one that came to me in dreamscape. yes, i know, i have weird dreams. you should see what happens after i eat pepperoni pizza ^_~

//heero's thoughts//
:: duo's thoughts ::

momentary lapse of reason
part 9

Heero sighed deeply and reclined back further into the chair. "What the hell am I thinking?"

The nine days that passed since Duo's accident had taken their toll on Heero. While he was certainly not the only one affected by the events, he carried the additional weight of his love for their braided friend, the fact that he had kept his emotions to himself only served to make matters worse. He knew there was no way he could admit to his friends now that he was in love with Duo. Had they known, had he told them or even hinted at it, he wouldn't have to hide from them just how much he was truly hurting.

If only he had told Duo.

Heero choked back his tears as he thought about the last four years.

He had put both himself and Duo through such needless emotional pain. //Why did it have to take something like this to make me fully comprehend what I've done?// He loved Duo and he knew that Duo returned his feelings...... or at least that he used to.

Growing weary as he rehashed the past, the what if's having no real pertinence; Heero refocused his attention on the immediate issue.

He was being given a gift...... pure and simple. A gift that had come via the way of the man he loved nearly losing his life. It was an opportunity to make up for everything he had managed to screw up between him and Duo. A chance to start at the beginning again and not have to apologize for all of the things he had said, all the things he had done...... not to have to beg for Duo's forgiveness. Heero wasn't sure he could bring himself to ask this of him..... he wasn't certain that he deserved absolution. [2]

Heero was disgusted by his own thoughts. He tensed as the feeling of desperation began to rise within him, but he was unable to steer himself away........

//God forgive me, Duo.//


Looking down at his watch, Heero made his way to the nearest payphone. It was 11:50 and Heero was glad he would be able to catch the others before they left for lunch.

Depositing several coins, Heero dialed.


"Quatre Winner"

"One moment, please."

Heero shifted nervously from one foot to the other as the phone in Quatre's office rang, rehearsing his part of the upcoming bittersweet conversation.

"Quatre Winner."

"Quatre, it's Heero. Duo is awake." He began.

Quatre's voice rose a few octaves "That's great, Heero!!!" he replied, Heero smiled, he could visualize the joy on his friend's face. "Trowa, Duo came out of his coma!!!"

"Quatre...." Heero called into the phone with no response, the blonde obviously still exchanging words about the news with his lover. "Quatre!" Heero called again more loudly.

"Sorry, Heero, I was just telling Trowa and he went to get Wufei. This is such wonderful news! How is he feeling, Heero? Did you tell him how much we've missed him and...."

"Quatre..." Heero interrupted him, the blonde rambling as he got further caught up in the excitement the news brought. "There is something else I need tell you." Heero began, Quatre immediately noting the change of tone in his friend's voice.

"What, Heero? What's wrong?"

"Duo has lost his memory. The doctor say's it's only temporary... a side-effect of the head trauma he suffered."

There was dead silence on the other end of the line. "Are you still there, Quatre?" Heero asked.

"Yes, Heero. I'm still here." came the response, Quatre's spoke softly, his voice low. "Have you seen him yet? Did you talk to him?"

"Hai. I've seen him." Heero did not try to hide the sadness their initial interaction had caused him. "We haven't spoken yet. I'm on my way there now."

"We'll be there at 6:00. Anything you want us to bring, Heero?" Quatre asked.

"No....just yourselves." Heero replied, his voice a bit sorrowful. Having shared the news, Heero wished for the comfort he knew only his three friends could provide.

"Do you want us to come now, Heero? We can be there in an hour." Quatre asked.

Heero thought for a moment, still hoping the Doctor's warning of the possibility of Duo rejecting him would not come to pass. "No. I'm fine. 6:00 is perfect. He's in room 102. I'll see you then."

Hanging up the phone, Heero headed toward Duo's room.


Uneasy about the upcoming encounter as he made his way down the hall, Heero took several deep breaths before he entered Duo's room. There were no longer nurses scurrying around the bed, as Heero would have preferred, hopeful their presence would serve to significantly diminish his entrance.

Heero looked over at the young man seated in the bed across the room.

"So. You must be Heero." Duo spoke softly as he stepped inside. "Dr. Skinert mentioned that you would be back soon." he added.

Heero stepped closer to the bed, offering his hand to his charge. "Yes, that would be me." he replied, remaining silent beside the bed after their handshake had concluded.

"Have a seat, Heero." Duo told his guest, his hand motioning toward the small metal chair at his bedside.

Heero sat and looked up at the young man who was now propped up into a seated position, several pillows between him and the metal headboard. "Did Dr. Skinert tell you about the accident you were involved in?"

Duo nodded. "Yes, she and I had a long talk." Duo lowered his eyes. "I pretty much understand what happened…. and why I have no memories."

There was no way for Heero to know what the young man before him was feeling, but he tried to imagine himself in his place for a few seconds. The fact that he had chosen to lead a solitary life in vivid contrast to his braided friend's choice of lifestyle, in no way deflected the wide spectrum of emotions he sensed a situation like this might bring about. Duo was incapable of drawing even the smallest comfort from his past experiences. It seemed a minimal requirement….. everyone needed to be able to rely on at least that one rudimentary support….. it was as vital as air.

Heero watched Duo carefully as he spoke. "I'm here to help you in what ever way I can." Heero offered. He looked up to find mournful violet eyes bound to him, hanging on his every word. "I'm not certain where to begin. I guess we need to start off with some basics."

Duo looked expectantly toward him as Heero paused, still in silent thought. "Yes...please…" Duo asked, his voice trembling as his eyes began to fill with tears.

Swallowing the unexpected lump in his throat, Heero directed his gaze away from the pain in Duo's beautiful eyes.

"Your name is Duo Maxwell…….."

Author's Note:

[2] This is a direct reference and is meant to pay homage to one of the finest pieces of Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ever written. The fic I refer to is entitled "Absolution" as was written by the amazing author SteelSong. Please visit her site at www.steelsong.com and read it if you haven't already done so.

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