disclaimer: the boys aren't mine. i just play with them for my own entertainment.this should come as no big surprise.

rating: R
pairings: 1X2X1, ?X?
warnings: yaoi, AU, POV, hint of citrus, sap, odd
spoilers: none

note: this came to me after a long chat with KM last night.

yet another note: this is the first in what i'm guessing is going to be a mini-series of sorts, i've titled the upcoming collection 'and time found me here'. there is a strong possibility that there will be additional fics written that explore past events.. ones that will not be 1X2X1. some of these will be able to be read as stand alone fics, while others won't. it is suggested you read them in the order they are presented.

// thoughts //

the darkness
by jana

it's 2 a.m.

i've been driving all night.

// it's been weeks. three of them... 21 long days //

my foot grows heavy of its own accord and the accelerator hits the floor. 60... 70... 75

my two hands tightly grip the wheel; knuckles turning white.

i roll down the windows; a blast of icy air fills the car.

i take a deep breath.

// one more hour //

i pull off the thruway.. to relieve myself, to splash my face; to replace the lost caffiene......

i merge onto the empty road again... mesmerized by endless white lines, aluminum lamp posts; sheer boredom.

i turn on the radio; the bass sending a vibration through me by way of my calf.

i turn it up.

// exit 21 //

i ease off the gas and exit... braking at the light and closing my eyes.

// so tired //

i lapse into auto-pilot.

a journey of familiarity... i relax back into the seat.

my left hand drifts down off the wheel.

// so close //

i signal right and drive for another mile or so, pulling into the long driveway; exiting the vehicle and taking the key from under the mat.

i enter quietly through the side door, making my way in the dark.

// almost home //

i strip as i climb the stairs; leaving a trail of sweat dampened clothes in my wake; arriving naked but for my socks and shoes outside the bathroom door.

the water warms as i finish my undress, pinning my hair up and stepping into the stall.

a quick rinse; the warm water a welcome relief. i don't relish in it for long; aroused by the time i turned off the water.

i towel myself dry as i make my way down the hall; pausing outside the partially open bedroom door.

i gasp and hold that breath as i enter..

the room is filled with moonlights shadow... and he is there..... sprawled out across the bed and naked despite the airs chill.

i lose control.

dammit.. i always lose control.

// you can do this.... just one more time.... //

it's always just one more time.

i take those five steps that bring me to his side; seating myself on the bed and looking down at him

there is a sudden swell in my chest; my heart aches... how did i come to be here?

// it doesn't matter //

i reach out to run the back of my hand down the side of his face; shushing softly as i startle him from sleep.

"it's just me..."

and then it begins.....

i cannot see his eyes on me, but i know that they are; they burn.. as does his touch.

"i've missed you....." it's so simple, but it's the only truth i'll admit to.


there is always silence; i expect nothing else; never disappointed

and then he is in my arms, tightly wrapped muscles and warm soft flesh.

i can barely hold myself back; needing what i've been too long denied.

"i want you....."

it's barely a whisper and need not be said; i say it anyway... and he answers with no words and without question.

this is my one slice of heaven; i easily recognize it having served time in hell.

i will never grow weary of feeling the heat his body beneath me nor mine beneath his.

our joining is hard and fast, but not without passion; not without me giving him everything that i am and taking all that he offers of himself in return.

// i would surely die without this //

there are no moans; no screams; no declarations of love... just silent cries as he accepts my release.

and then he is in my arms again; and we shudder together in that embrace.

i bring my hand to my mouth; there are words there.. on the tip of my tongue, but they will never leave; i pull him closer instead.

i touch my lips to his forehead; my eyes close despite the darkness.

i never wonder why it hurts so much, but i still cry; i'll be gone by daybreak.

// ...always just out of reach //

it never gets any easier for me; i'm not sure how it affects him.

i roll over and set the alarm for 5 a.m.; welcoming him back into my arms.

silence; it breeds thought.

i shiver.


i can feel the weight of his stare as his eyes turn on me; i can't bring myself to meet them.

"stay with me.."

his words demand my attention.

i turn toward him; barely able to make out the sharp angles of his face in the darkness.

"leave her.... " he whispers.".... stay with me."

his eyes are glistening.

i reach down and take his hand, squeezing it tightly and nodding my response; unable to manage anything further..

his eyes turn back up to gaze at the ceiling.

deafening silence.

i worry on my lower lip.

i don't tell him i had already done so.... its been almost a year now; it happened after our first night together.

those memories dance behind my eyelids.

i couldn't bring myself to share a bed with her after that; not after the passion he and i had uncovered.

i will tell him... tomorrow though.

// tomorrow //

i close my eyes.

tomorrow was enough.


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