Disclaimers: I do not, nor do I pretend to own the characters of gundam wing, I just use them for my amusement. No money, don't sue.

Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4x3
Warnings: utter silliness, OOC-ness, flying, excessive fearie dust, flying, pirates, annoying relena

Author's Notes: This had been floating around in my head, and then I was inspired to write it by Tayla Firedancer's fantastic Aladdin.   Winner of the SDDI March 2003 Disney Parody Contest!

Summary: A shounen-ai twist on a favorite children's tale. I just couldn't leave well enough alone...

The Gundam Wing Boys Present: Peter Pan
By Granate

Quatre Darling woke up to a sound in his room. He raised his head sleepily and discovered a strange site indeed. An elvin boy about his own age was rummaging through his sock drawer. The boy was dressed in woodland clothes, had a long braid dangling down his back, and was covered in glitter. A little ball of light hovered near him.

"Who are you?" Quatre blinked, sitting up.

Surprised, the boy whirled around, glitter dust flying. Seeing Quatre, he grinned.

"Why, I'm Duo Pan!" he answered with a laugh at the petite, scared-looking blond boy. The ball of light tinked. "And this in Hilde Bell," Duo added.

"Wha - what are you doing in my room?" Quatre asked, getting bolder.

The boy frowned and put his hands on his hips. "I lost my shadow in here somewhere…" he said, looking around suspiciously.

"Oh! Was that yours?" Quatre asked, swinging his feet over the bed and standing up. "How'd you lose it?"

The elvin boy blushed. "I was scopin' out your toys the other day and got the hell out when your mom came in. Man! You've got some nice stuff!"

Quatre laughed. "Thanks! Wanna know what I did with your shadow? I put it in my sister's closet to scare her next time she opens it." His blues eyes sparked with mischief.

"Hey, that's funny! I'd love to wait and watch, but I kinda need it back," Duo said.

"Sure thing. Follow me," Quatre said, going into the hallway. The little ball of light followed Duo.

"Hey, you seem pretty cool," Duo said as they walked through the endless maze of hallways, "Why don't you come with me to Never Never Land and be a Lost Boy!"

"A what?" Quatre asked, turning his head to look at his new friend.

"A Lost Boy!" Duo grinned, "I'm the leader! We have no rules and no mothers! It's great! We never grow up! We fight pirates and have grand parties, you'd love it!"

"That sounds great!" Quatre exclaimed.

"All right then! We'll get my shadow and be off!" Duo said, following Quatre into his sister's room.

The boys snuck over to the closet and opened it as quietly as they could. Quatre fumbled around in the dark, knocking a box onto Duo's head.

"Ow!" Duo cried.

A light went on.

"Quatre?" a girl's voice said, "What are you doing in here?! And who's that with you?!"

"Uhhmmmmm…" Quatre winced.

"I'm Duo Pan!" Duo grinned at her.

"What's wrong with you ears?" she asked rudely.

"Wha- whaddya mean?" Duo asked, face falling. He put his hands self-consciously to his pointed ears. Hilde tinked angrily at the girl from inside the posh doll house.

"Relena!" Quatre chastised her.

"Get out, both of you, I want to go back to sleep," she whined.

Duo stuck out his tongue. "You got it. We'll just get my shadow and then we're off to Never Never Land!"

"Wait a minute," Relena got out of bed, "You think you're taking my little brother off to your crazy island, you better think again, Faerie Boy! I've already got you all figured out!"

"Hey!" Duo cried indignantly, "He wants to go! To get away from annoying girls like you!"

Hilde tinked heatedly in Duo's ear.

"Yeah," Duo agreed, "She annoys the hell outta me too."

"Found it!" Quatre proudly presented the shadow to Duo.

"All right!!" Duo exclaimed, promptly sticking it back on. He danced around a little bit to test it out and glitter wafted all over Relena's floor.

"Good. Lets get out of here, Duo!" Quatre grinned at his new friend.

"Oh no you don't!" Relena looked threatening, "You're not going anywhere with out me! Quatre, you still need a mother!"

"Relena, go away!" Quatre hissed. He held on to Duo's waist and the long-haired boy began to ascend in the air. Duo flew to the window and pushed it open. Relena grabbed her brother's ankle just as they flew through the window.

"Ugh, Quatre, your sister is heavy!" Duo complained, "The trip to Never Never Land ain't no piece of cake ya know!"

"Sorry Duo! She's very persistent like that…" Quatre apologized. Relena just kept screaming as Duo flew higher into the stars.

"Wooowwwww…" Quatre breathed as they approached the beautiful island.

"Never Never Land!" Duo exclaimed proudly. "Damn! Captain Spandex's ship is in Mermaid Bay! They're planning an attack for sure!" He looked down at his new friend, "You're in for adventure tonight!"

"Who is Captain Spandex?" Quatre asked.

"A pirate!" Duo answered, setting them all down very carefully.

"What?! A PIRATE!" Relena shrieked, "You brought my brother all the way here to put him in danger?! You - OW!" Relena rubbed her arm where Hilde had pinched her. "Your little pet bit me!" she howled accusingly at Duo, who just laughed.

"What kind of a name is Captain Spandex?" Quatre wondered with a wrinkled nose.

"Oh, I just call him that cuz he hates it!" Duo grinned, "His real name is Captain Heero Yuy, but he has this habit of wearing his big, fancy purple velvet pirate coat, and his big fancy feathery pirate hat, and these little black spandex shorts. Trust me, its hysterical!"

Quatre's aqua eyes went wide as he tried to imagine the sight. Duo laughed. "Come on, I'll introduce ya to The Boys. We'll have a big party tonight!" Duo led Quatre and the very sullen Relena into the woods.

Relena fainted when they entered the tree-top hide out. She'd never seen such a mess in her life.

"Duo, will you help me move her to a soft place?" Quatre asked, kneeling by his sister.

"Hey Boys! I'm home!" Duo called loudly. There was whooping and branch shaking and a rag-tag group of grinning orphan boys appeared.

"This is Quatre, our new friend!" Duo said, proudly presenting the blond.

All the boys shouted their hellos until one noticed Relena. "Hey!" he cried, "Who's the girl? You said we'd never have to have a mother? What's she doin' here?!"

"Now, now, hold on guys!" Duo said, calmly putting their fears to rest, "She tagged along by accident. I couldn't just let her fall into the ocean, now could I?"

The boys looked down and scuffled their feet, grumbling.

"Well, could I??" Duo said louder, hands on his hips.

"Noooo…" the boys finally answered, eyes on the floor.

"Um, Duo?" Quatre reminded him from the floor.

"Oh, right!" Duo knelt and helped Quatre move her to a pallet stuffed with leaves.

Smee Wu Fei collapsed his telescope and dropped it back in his pocket. That was Pan all right.

"Come in," a gruff voice said when he knocked on the cabin door.

"Sir, I spotted Pan and two visitors flying toward the hideout," Smee reported.

"Really…" the captain sneered, rubbing his hairless chin. He pushed a feather out of his face and declared, "We shall attack at once!"

Relena awoke and shrieked at 12 dirty boy faces peering curiously at her.

"It's ok, Relena," Quatre said, taking her hand. She was relieved to see he was still clean, and he wasn't covered in that glittery stuff that fell constantly from the elf-boy.

"Quatre, we are going home!" she exclaimed, sitting up.

"But Relena, these fine gentlemen have prepared a party for us. It would be rude to leave," Quatre told her very gently.

"Besides, you can't leave till I take ya!" Duo reminded them with a wink.

"Ugh!" Relena scowled at Pan and sullenly crossed her arms.

"PIRATES!" a boy shouted from outside, "Arm yourselves, boys!"

"all right everyone, to the ground!" Duo shouted. He led the boys outside once they'd grabbed their home-made weapons. Duo was the only one with a real metal sword.

"Stay here," Quatre told his sister.

"Quatre, get back here right now!" she shouted after him, but he followed the boys as they dashed outside.

"Duo, aren't you scared?" Quatre whispered. The idea of pirates really made him nervous.

Duo handed him a a staff and a knife. "Of silly old Spandex Boy and his dim-witted crew? No way! That captain is never gonna get me!" he shouted with a glint in his cobalt eyes. "In fact, I look forward to fighting him!"

Duo shouted a war cry and led the boys on a surprise attack on the pirates looking for them on the ground. The battle started immediately, and the Captain sought Duo out.

"Pan! You weasel! Were you hiding?" he asked with a sneer as he attacked the boy.

"Ha! Not from you, Captain Spandex!" Duo countered his attack.

"Don't call me that!" Heero growled angrily as he attacked again.

"Ok," Duo grunted as he lunged, "I'll call you a Codfish! Ha ha ha!" With that he knocked Heero's big heavy feathered hat off, revealing a mop of spiky brown hair.

Heero grabbed the hat and put it back on furiously. "Why, I'll knock all that faerie dust off you for good!" Heero shouted, slashing at Duo's clothes and snagging a shoulder.

"Don't like it?" Duo asked sharply, as he dodged Heero's swift cuts, "The how about Crocodile Bait!" He crowed like a rooster and attacked viciously.

"Why you - !" Heero shouted as he deflected Duo's sword.

Quatre quickly learned the hang of the staff as he battled off pirates along side the rest of the Lost Boys. He was fighting a particularly cunning Chinese boy with a black pig tail when another boy appeared at his side. Glancing quickly, Quatre saw he was tall, with light brown hair a green eyes. He wore long pants made of skins and paint on his broad bare chest. He didn't get a chance to talk to him until the pirates were high-tailing it back to their ship. The boys cheered and danced about in triumph. Quatre noticed other young people in skins and paint.

He turned back to his partner. The tall boy was gazing down at him.

"I'm Quatre Raberba Winnner Darling," he said, blushing under the boy's intense green eyes.

"That's a lot of names…" the boy answered, looking a little weary.

"Oh, please, just call me Quatre!" the blond said quickly, "what can I call you?"

"Trowa," the other boy answered.

"Well, I see you've met my buddies!" Duo grinned, approaching breathlessly.

"Oh, Duo!" Quatre touched the torn clothing on his shoulder, "Are you ok?"

"Oh yeah, that Captain Spandex could never hurt me!" he answered roguishly. "I'm pleased to introduce you to Chief Tiger Trowa of the Barton Tribe!"

Quatre looked up at him in wonder, his aqua eyes huge.

"The Bartons are the Native people of this island, they're just nice enough to let me and the boys make trouble on it!" Duo put a hand on the taller boy's shoulder.

"Come on, Duo, you know we'd never be able to beat those pirates if it weren't for you and your boys," Trowa said graciously.

Duo smiled sadly, "Don't be ridiculous! You know we're the reason they won't leave…. But anyway, now that we're all aquainted, you and the tribe should stay for the party! Guess I don't have to send invites now!" Duo winked and scampered up a near-by tree.

"Thanks for helping me out…" Quatre said, blinking at his new friend, "I'm new at this…"

"It was no trouble, you were doing fine on your own, though," Trowa replied, transfixed by the blond boy's beautiful eyes, "So, where do you come from?" he asked as they joined everyone back up in the trees.

The pirates returned to their ship in solemn defeat.

"We'd have gotten them this time if it hadn't been for those natives, sir," Wu Fei tried to cheer his captain up as he poured him a drink.

"Shut up, Smee," Heero snarled, snatching the drink and downing it quickly. "He called me crocodile bait!" the boy pouted momentarily and then regained his composure. Wu Fei cleared his throat and looked away. Crocodile bait was no joke. Ever since they'd landed on this island, the fearsome crocodile Zechs had been after the captain, trying to make a tasty dinner out of him.

"What did you learn about the new brats?" Heero asked, adjusting his plumed hat.

"Oh yes, sir: one boy, whom Chief Tiger Trowa seems fond of, and one girl. She was seen by one of the men in Pan's room in the tree hide-out," Wu Fei answered.

"He has a girl??" Heero repeated, dumbstruck, "Why, what would he want with one of those?" He narrowed his eyes as the prospects floated though his mind. "Bring her to me at once!" he fumed.

"Wake up, stupid, wake up!!" Relena was shrieking in Duo's ear as she shook him awake.

"Wha--?" he blinked slowly awake. He'd had a little too much fermented berry juice at the wild party they'd thrown the night before. He covered his ears a and grimaced, "All right, all right, I'm awake, stop that awful noise!!"

"While YOU got drunk last night and passed out mumbling about pirates, that INDIAN kidnapped my brother!!" Relena cried angrily. She disgustedly tried to wipe the glittery dust from her hands.

"Now, hold on just a minute!" Duo retorted with irritation, "First of all, they are the Barton Tribe, the Native people of this island, and any guest of mine has to show a little respect, got it?!"

"Oh, please!" she spat, "Respect? I followed him, and do you know what I found him doing to MY little brother in his tent?? Terrible, horrible things… I can't even tell you." She started to cry.

Duo sat up and scratched his head. "Get a grip," he yawned, "Trowa would never do anything to hurt Quatre. If they were doing anything, it was consensual, ok? Now go away." He flopped down again and pulled the covers over his head.

"No!" she continued shaking him, "I'm not leaving you alone until you go rescue him!! It's your fault!!!"

"Argh! All right!" Duo shouted in extreme aggravation as he got up. "I'll go talk to him, just stay here!" Duo left in a huff of glittery dust followed by the little Hilde light.

Trowa and Quatre sat around a small fire right outside Trowa's tent. They smiled and waved at the groggy Duo stumbling out of the bushes.

"Hey, guys. Everything ok?" Duo asked.

Quatre smiled, "Better than ok! Duo, please sit and join us for some tea!"

"Some what?" Duo asked, plopping down next to Quatre in a cloud of faerie dust.

"Tea! It's a drink. I brought it with me from home. Trowa really seems to like it." Quatre said, pouring the hot water and letting it steep. Trowa hid his small smile behind his mug.

"And I think it'll help your hang over," Quatre winked at Duo as he stirred. The caffeine would really perk him up.

"I'm not hung over!" Duo replied defensively. Hilde tinked scoldingly at him.

Quatre handed him the mug and watched him drink the warm liquid.

"Hey! Pretty good! What's it made with?" Duo asked.

"Leaves!" Quatre answered.

"Really?" Duo looked cross-eyes into his cup.

"Duo… can we have a little chat?" Quatre looked knowingly at Trowa, who nodded.

"Sure," Duo said looking up, "If its about you two, I already know. Your sister said she saw you two last night. She shrieked at me until I agreed to come 'rescue' you, Quatre."

Both other boys blushed. "Uh, no… that's not what its about…" Quatre stammered.

"Oh, oops," Duo grinned, "Ok, then what? You wanna stay here? Sure! As long as you want!"

"Duo, now just hold on a minute!" Quatre laughed gently, "We can work all the details out later, right now, I wanted to talk a little bit about… you."

"Me?" Duo asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yes," Quatre began, "and the pirate captain. I don't think I quite understand what's going on…"

"Only mutual hatred and the desire to kill!" Duo growled, "We fight to establish who's the superior swordsman. But it always ends in a draw…"

"Now, Duo," Quatre patted his knee, "I can tell that's not all there is to it. You mentioned that you are the reason he won't leave the island. Why is that?"

Duo flushed in frustration. "He just wants to fight me, that's all!"

"But if it always ends in a draw, why doesn't he just leave?" Quatre persisted. "Out with it!"

Hilde tinked for him to tell them the truth.

"All right, all right!" Duo crumbled, putting his chin in his hands, "Ok, only Hilde Bell knows this, but ever since the first time we saw each other, he's been after me to… make me his… cabin boy," Duo winced, "That's why he won't leave. God, this is so humiliating…" he mumbled into his hands.

"And you oppose this?" Quatre asked.

"Of course!!" Duo said defensively.

Quatre and Trowa looked at each other. "So," Quatre continued, "You hate him, but you say his name in your sleep?"

"I do not!" Duo hollered, "Who told you that?!" Hilde tinked a tattle on him.

Quatre remained calm. "I heard you last night as I snuck out."

Duo blushed very red. "Oh, yeah, cuz I dreamed we were fighting! And I was really gonna kill him this time for sure!"

"Fighting?" Quatre asked dubiously, "Fighting like this? 'Oh captain… your sword is so… mmmm and you know what those shorts do to me… <muffled moan> yes, you're so good! OOHH Heero, yes - '"

"Agh! STOP!!!" Duo cried covering his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. "Ok, ok…" he mumbled, "It's true… I find him dreadfully attractive… Just PLEASE don't tell the boys! Promise me you won't!" Duo pleaded.

Quatre and Trowa looked at each other again. "Duo, they already know! They've heard you! The boys, and Trowa, are the ones who asked me to talk to you!" Quatre said gently.

Duo groaned and flopped onto his back in defeat. "How humiliating…." he sighed again.

"Duo, if you know he wants you, and you're attracted to him too, then why don't you just go for it?" Quatre asked.

"Because he never asks, you know?" Duo answered, propping himself up on his elbows. "Its never, 'Duo, why don't you come over for desert tonight? Wu Fei has made a lovely lemon mirangue pie!' or 'Duo, please join me for a glass of wine sometime!' He always tries to take me by force! And I don't play that way! Besides," Duo's eyes sparkled, "I like fighting him! It's… exhilarating!"

"I understand, Duo," Quatre smiled, not wanting to push too much, "I'm glad we had this talk. Please think about it, ok?"

"Yeah, whatever." Duo said as he stretched, "Now, you guys wanna come back to the hide-out with me? I don't want to deal with your sister by myself." The three boy got up and trudged back to the tree-top camp.

The Lost Boys and the Bartons who had fallen asleep on the floor were just waking up. Relena was no where to be found.

"Hey, you guys seen Relena?" Duo asked the boys, poking his head back in the main room.

"Who?" one answered groggily.

"The girl, she was just here," Duo said.

"Oh. No… not seen her…" the boys answered. The Bartons shook their heads sleepily.

"Oh, Duo, where could she be?" Quatre asked, worried, "She wouldn't wander through the forest by herself, something must have happened!"

Hilde tinked loudly from Duo's room. The three boys ran in and found her madly circling the small table.

"What is it, Hilde Bell?" Duo asked, joining her. She landed on a piece of paper which had eluded his notice. It was stuck to the table with a dagger. "A note!" Duo exclaimed, prying out the dagger.

"Pan, you toad," Duo read, "Come to my ship ready to fight if you ever want to see your precious girl again! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Love, the Captain."

"Duo, she's been kidnapped!!" Quatre cried. Trowa put a hand on his shoulder.

"Precious?!?" Duo's face contorted as he threw the letter to the table. "Oh, that's IT! He is so dead!"

"You guys didn't see any pirates come through here and kidnap Relena, did you?" Quatre asked the boys who had wandered into the room.

"Who?" they asked.

"My sister!" Quatre reminded them irritatedly. All the boys shrugged innocently. "Duo, PLEASE, we have to do something! Who knows what those pirates will do to her!"

Duo suddenly realized what all this meant. Heero had kidnapped the girl. That jerk!!!!! Duo thought angrily, He can't do this to ME!

"All right boys!" Duo said to everyone, "We're going to plan an attack and get rid of these pirates once and for all!" The boys cheered loudly.

"Let me go, you brainless snakes!" Relena cried valiantly as she struggled in the chair she was tied to. The pirates just laughed at her. Those moronic boys! she thought, They didn't even try to save me! I doubt they even woke up!

Relena heard voices through he door. "Yes, Captain! We got her! She's right in here!"

Just great! The captain! she thought, imagining an eye patch and a gnarly hook.

The door opened and the boy captain marched in. He wore a big fancy plumed hat and a big fancy purple velvet and brocade coat, over a loose white chemise. The coat was immaculately tailored, waist-length in the front with two knee-length tails in the back. Relena's eyes went immediately to his skin-tight black shorts, and then down to his big yellow athletic shoes with big shiny silver buckles.

Relena's eyes bugged out. WOW, she thought, he's so dashing! He's GORGEOUS, and DAMN, he can't hide anything in those shorts! Relena nearly drooled. Since those stupid boys couldn't appreciate her, maybe she would stay with the pirates and be their mother.

"Why, captain sir!" she gushed, "It's an honor! I was wondering if you and your brave sailors are in need of a mother because I would be more than willing to-"

"Silence!" he commanded. He looked pretty pissed. "So, you're Pan's beloved little girl..." he sneered, looking her over. He couldn't see what was so special about her.

"No! Oh, no sir!" she defended herself, "I hate him as much as you do! Really! That elf-boy and I hate each other! If I never have to see that grinning, glittering rascal again ever, I'll be the happiest girl in the world!"

Elf-boy! Heero chuckled to himself, Indeed he is… and oooooooh that glitter dust…

He snapped back to business, "So, Pan doesn't like you?" he asked trying to clear up the confusion.

"No, and I hate him too! He's horrible! Do you know what he did? He let that awful Indian steal my brother and have his way with him!!" she cried.

"Chief Trowa?" the captain rubbed his chin, "He seems like a good enough guy, he wouldn't do something like that…"

"Argh!" Relena screamed, "What IS it with everyone on this stupid island??"

"Captain, sir! The Boys are attacking!" a pirate shouted from outside.

"Ha! It worked after all!" Heero grinned with his pointy teeth. "Tie her to the mast!!" He unsheathed his sword and ran to find Pan.

The battle raged upon the guilded ship, boys and natives versus pirates. Quatre and Trowa fought side-by-side, and everyone ignored the screaming girl tied to the mast.

Heero noticed Duo was fighting more ferociously then usual. He was normally very relaxed, joking all the while they fought.

"So!" Duo shouted as he parried Heero, "You stole the GIRL, huh?"

"Yeah, want her back?" Heero answered with a lunge.

"No, but I'm not letting YOU keep her!" Duo cried angrily, swiping at Heero violently, glitter dust flying.

Wait a minute!! Something clicked in Heero's brain. "And why's THAT?" he demanded, holding his hat on and leaping at the long-haired boy.

Duo grimaced and fought him off, "Because!" he evaded the question, but his face flared red.

Heero halted, still breathing hard. "Duo," he said to the boy whose sword was still held defensively, "Would you like to continue this in private?"

"Yes," Duo said, lowering his sword.

"Ok, everyone!" Heero shouted above the din. The clamoring weapons stopped. "Everybody take five! Pan and I are going to have a private battle to establish supremacy once and for all. Please just wait out here." Heero and Duo disappeared into the captain's cabin.

" 'FIVE'?!?" Duo could be heard hissing as they shut the door. Everyone just shrugged.

Relena banged her head back on the mast. It had been a LOT longer than 'five,' and it looked like that savage had dragged Quatre off somewhere again. In fact, several of the boys and natives had disappeared. All the remaining, including pirates, were sitting around gambling over dice games or playing instruments.

"What's WRONG with you people!!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. No one paid any attention.

Finally, Duo and Heero emerged from the cabin. The captain was wearing just the loose white shirt open over his chest and the black shorts, and he was COVERED in glitter, including his messy hair. The elf-boy was grinning ear to pointy ear.

"It was a draw!" Duo announced to everyone.

"So, we decided that pirates and boys shouldn't fight anymore," Heero added, "Everyone should get along, just like you are now!" All the boys, including Quatre and Trowa, reappeared, and everyone cheered loudly.

"To enforce this," Heero continued, "I'm land-docking all you scurvy pirates while Pan and I take the ship on a leisurely two-week sail around the island."

"Pirates, you are invited to stay in our tree fort," Duo told them. At first, pirates and boys looked at each other suspiciously, but then everyone cheered.

Quatre stepped forward. "I would like to announce that I am staying in Never Never Land," he said with a big grin, his hand locked in Trowa's. Everyone cheered again.

"But what about MEEEEEE?" Relena whined from the mast, "How am I supposed to get home?!"

"I know!" Duo flew over to the ships biggest cannon and took out a pencil. He wrote 218 Peacecraft Street on the cannon, and turned the dial to it. He untied Relena and wedged her in the cannon's muzzle before she had time to protest.

"Light it as soon as you've said your good-byes!" he told Quatre.

"Quatre!!" Relena shouted hysterically, "You can't let them do this to meeee!"

"Good-bye, dear sister," Quatre said, "You'll be much happier at home!" With that, he nodded to Hilde Bell, who lit the fuse. Everyone cheered as Relena screamed off over the horizon.

The cheers turned to alarmed shouts as a six-foot crocodile hurled himself onto the deck. He snarled and snapped at Heero, who froze.

Duo crowed and flew through the air, landing on top of the fearsome Zechs. With a swift flick of his blade, he killed the beast. "Boots for all!!" he shouted in triumph.

"My HERO!" Heero gushed, pulling Duo back into the cabin. Everyone cheered.


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