WARNING: Very High Angst Lemon, Proceed With Caution, Kleenex Warning
[Sequel to Tragic Secrets; Book 6 of the "Secrets" Arc, Final Installment of arc]
Author: Enigma
Written: October & November, 2000
Cumulative Rating: NC-17
Pairings: (1x2/2x1) (3x4/4x3) (5+S)
Category: Angst, yaoi, AU
Cumulative Warnings: Angst, lemon, yaoi, sap, AU, OOC
Be Prepared: Kleenex Warnings!! also: avoid Colas
DISCLAIMERS: I don't own Gundam Wing or any other anime or TV characters I use here, just the ideas in this story and some characters that are new are truly mine. Any reference to copyrighted material or trademarked goods should be considered an "homage" (yeah, right!) Don't sue me, even the lawyers wouldn't enjoy it, except of course for the Ashe and Jojo characters!
NOTE: Timeframe---after the war has ended and the Gundams were destroyed. //yada, yada, yada// = inner thoughts

Silencing The Secrets
Part 1

Quatre Raberba Winner lay undergoing the single most crucial surgery of his life.

When brain cancer had been diagnosed, it was not clear whether or not it had been caught quickly enough to prevent it from metastasizing and spreading throughout his young body. However, when the incisions were made, things became clearer. The decision his fiancÚ had made regarding allowing the surgeons to enter directly through the eye socket rather than through the cranium itself had increased his chances of full recovery and survival.

However, the procedure brought an intrinsic risk of blindness in his left eye, the tumor had formed directly upon the optic nerve behind this eye and it had been recommended that they simply go behind it for the removal. This was a technique utilized since before the colonial period had begun and while neurological repair and regrowth techniques were better now than ever before, there was still a distinct likelihood that he could go blind in the eye the surgery was performed behind. Furthermore, the sympathetic nervous system, still somewhat of a medical mystery, seemed to have an effect as well in cases like his. Often, if one eye, damaged through surgery of this type, went blind, the other eye as well would simply cease to function normally, rendering the patient completely blind. This occurred in roughly one third of the patients this particular tumor suffered from, but there were no predictable indicators of when this would strike.

Thus, Trowa Barton found himself alone in his fears of the possibility that he had sentenced his soul-mate to permanent blindness before he had even reached the age of 20.

"Duo," Trowa looked at his dear friend who refused to leave his side, "What will we do if he doesn't make it though this? I can't even face a life without him."

"Take it easy, Trowa," Duo soothed. "It's taking a little longer than they expected, we know that, but thinking the worst will not help Quatre. Have faith in him. He's strong and so are you. The two of you will be fine somehow. Trust in that, okay?" Duo desperately hoped his own fears were covered enough to not worry him more, but his own thoughts had out paced his ability to deal with them.

"But the blindness? What if he lives yet is left unable to see? What then?"

Duo shook his head sadly. "Then, Trowa," he spoke gently, stroking his friend's tears away, tears Trowa hadn't realized he had even cried. "The two of you find ways to still make it work. He'll need you no matter what happens, and you'll always have me and the others for whatever help we can give."

Sniffling the unexpected tears, Trowa looked up gratefully at his friend. "But what about Heero? *He* needs you too, Duo."

Duo looked away, troubled. "I can't deal with that right now, Trowa."

Duo was indeed deeply disturbed by this thought. The brainwashing Smith had done on him had been done *too* well and he hadn't even had a chance to begin freeing himself of the drug addiction. It had been less than a day since the revelations of the confrontation with the traitorous Dr. Smith and Duo Maxwell remained seriously confused about his own sexual preferences and even more baffled by the desire and hatred he felt simultaneously for the pilot of Wing Zero Gundam.

Just then, the source of these feelings walked up. "Well, I got in touch with Jack as well as Gene; they're both willing to go to the colonies with me to look for Wufei."

Heero Yuy stood apprehensively before two of his dearest friends, one of whom he had happily called fiancÚ for weeks but now was uncertain about. Duo had been the one shining reason for his survival of the brutal prison gang rape he had been subjected to, yet now the braided boy seemed to hate him at times. The cold tones that had assaulted his ears during the dawn discussion of what to do had sealed a section of his heart for the moment. Even a perfect soldier knew when to cut his losses if only for a short time. He could never complete the more urgent mission of finding and rescuing Wufei and Sally if his mind remained behind, pining for a man who was no longer certain of his love.

Trowa seemed pleased, though. "I'm glad you've got help, Heero. I hate to see the team split up like this, but it's necessary."

"Agreed." Heero was all business. "Trowa, I'm sorry I can't stay here with you but," he glanced at Duo who wouldn't return eye contact, "I'm afraid if we are to have a chance at getting to Wufei before that colony dies from lack of power, I need to go now. Did you contact Rasid for the supplies we'd need?"

Actually, Trowa felt more comfortable dealing with this right now; it was more direct than what was happening to Quatre. There were clear-cut objectives, steps to take to achieve them, and a highly desirable goal of the return of two missing friends who were in danger of dying even now. "Yes, I did. He's got my authorization for you to get whatever you need. Take the Corporate space shuttle, of course. It's faster than the commercial ones and the three of you will be able to make your own schedule as you need to. Call me on my cell before you leave, okay?"

"Sure, I'll want to see how things are here before we're caught up with things at DH-1221 anyway." Heero smiled warmly as Trowa stood to embrace his friend. "Take care of yourself, too, Trowa. Quatre's going to need you strong and healthy when he wakes up. And, Duo, you make sure both of them are taken care of, won't you? It will help everyone knowing we are acting as a team on both fronts."

"Yes, Heero," Duo answered, no signs of anger at being told what to do for a change. "I think keeping track of these two *and* their 'daughter' will be my objective until further notice."

"No, we won't." Trowa corrected firmly. "Getting off those damned drugs will be your primary focus, Duo."

Laughing, Duo acted like it was a joke until he saw how serious the other two looked. "Okay, okay! Geez! I get the point, guys!" He looked a bit annoyed yet pleased they cared enough to even think of his needs during this crisis. "I'll do that, too, but I think having these other three to watch over will make that easier, don't you?"

Trowa smiled and nodded. Heero, however, wanted something more. "Duo, do you think you could take a walk with me before I go? There's a couple things I want to say."

"Hmm? Well, sure, Heero, if Trowa doesn't mind." Duo agreed surprisingly easily.

"Of course I don't mind. Now go you two, that time window will vanish for the shuttle if you don't hurry up, Heero." Smiling a tiny half-smile and wondering how the agreement for the two to go and talk had happened so easily, Trowa nodded his assent.

"Yeah, I know." Heero smiled as Duo got to his feet. //What? He really *is* willing to walk with me? I expected him to refuse, but I'll take every opportunity I can get to deal with this.//

"C'mon, Heero, can't let you miss your best timing for the rescue mission, now can we?" Duo actually shocked Heero by reaching out a hand and dragging him away to Trowa's gentle laughter and delight.

As soon as they were out of sight, though, Duo's expression turned dark and he practically flung Heero's hand away from him. "Huh? What are you doing, Duo?" Heero was hurt and confused.

"I just did that to make Trowa feel better, Yuy, don't go getting your hopes up." Duo was trying to be brusque, but the uncertainty in his eyes spoke louder than his words and Heero saw it there in those violet pools he held so dear.

"Sure, Duo, no problem." Heero wanted desperately to hold the teen beside him closely, but they walked outside without further discussion. As soon as he spotted a bench, Duo strode purposefully towards it then suddenly collapsed onto it, his head in his hands.

"Duo! What's wrong?!?" Heero was startled by the sudden transformation from the tough-talking act to this complete mental melt-down Duo seemed to be undergoing.

Dejected, Duo refused to look up as Heero realized there was more going on than he imagined. He sat down beside him and was careful to disguise any shock as he realized his one-time lover was sobbing uncontrollably. Gently, he tried to break through the barriers of the young man beside him; a man who was driving him mad with the emotional shifts that seemed to be flying by more rapidly with every passing moment. "Duo? What is it? Did you hear more about Quatre than what Trowa knows? Did something go wrong with the operation?"

"No," Duo sobbed brokenly, "That's not it, Heero." Duo continued to cry even after making this aspect more clear. Without warning, he clutched onto Heero's shirt and pulled their bodies forcibly together. "Heero, I'm scared! I can't tell you how confused this is all making me, but there's something wrong with me, I just know it, but I can't tell Trowa, he's got too much to worry about!"

"What do you mean, Duo? What's wrong?" Heero was baffled. "How can I, well, I mean, is there anything *I* can do to help?" Heero hoped deep down there might be some possibility of a change in Duo's view of him.

"Hold me, Heero, please." Sobbing, Duo leaned heavily against Heero soaking up warmth and reassurance as Heero automatically began rubbing his back in tiny circles the way he always did after they made love. A tiny moan escaped Duo's lips as if he, too, was remembering nights of passion and joy they had shared. "That feels so good. How could I have possibly forgotten how good that felt? God, Heero, I'm so lost." He tilted his face up and stared into the deep blue eyes searching for a way to tell Heero more.

Heero, however, was thrilled beyond his own expectations he had been allowed this close to Duo in the first place. "You know, Duo," he began cautiously, wishing to say what he wanted to when he first asked the former Deathscythe pilot to accompany him to talk alone. "There is a distant chance that this rescue mission may be a disaster and I may not come back." Seeing an argument forming on Duo's lips he stopped him. "Shhh, wait! Please let me finish, okay? All I want to say is that even if I don't make it back, I do still love you and always will. I want you to get better and be able to be yourself again. You've suffered a lot lately and getting off the drugs will be hard even for someone as resourceful as yourself. Most likely this will be the hardest thing you ever did, and I really wish I could be here to help you, but I've got to go, we both know it."

Duo looked at Heero with longing in his eyes and finally let himself go for a moment and reached up and kissed him. "I, well, I think I do still love you, too, Heero, but I'm not sure, everything's happened so quickly. All the shit that has happened to both of us is still sinking in for me; finding out yesterday what had really happened was pretty damned painful. How I became so twisted up by that bastard Smith is irrelevant, I did and that's what I've got to deal with now. Either way, though, I don't want you to leave until I get a chance to do this," To Heero's amazement, Duo leaned him back against the back of the bench and pressed him for a deep passionate kiss.

Anxious, Duo's mouth gently forced his to open enough for a warm welcome joining as their tongues wrapped around each other in a smooth dance of affection if not complete love. Rapidly, however, any limits Duo had attempted to impose on himself vanished as his heart overrode the commands of his brain not to commit to anything. Deepening the kiss further, Duo's nimble fingers massaged Heero's chest bringing forth a moan of desire unlike anything he had heard since the night of Heero's return. This sound inflamed him further as he sought greater intimacy. "Heero," he panted. "Where's your car?"

"Duo?" Heero, breathless yet aroused, wondered what Duo was thinking. "What are you doing? Are you sure about this? I thought you didn't want any of this yet?"

"Damnit, Heero!" Duo's anger flared along with his passion. "Just let me say 'good-bye', all right?"

Helpless to resist his own desires as well, Heero stood up and offered a hand to Duo who grabbed it and didn't let go this time. They got to the parking lot and slid into the car and relative privacy.

"Hmmm, this is better." Duo mumbled seductively then assaulted Heero full force.

on to part 2

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