WARNING: Graphic Violence! Not for the faint of Heart!

Written: December, 2000
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: (1+2) (3+4) (5+2) implied
Category: Angst, Yaoi/Shonen Ai, Torture, AU-OOC, Gift fic for Lady Tomanaiya's Birthday!
Enigma Story Category: Gundam Nightmares
Warnings: Angst, yaoi/shonen ai, blood, torture, ref. to rape, squick, AU-OOC
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing Universe. I'm not making any money off this story. I'm broke, don't sue me.
NOTE: How would Duo handle it if Heero tried to kill him somewhere other than an OZ cell? What could push Heero to really want to kill his lover full force, yet he would fail to succeed? What could possibly stop the Perfect Soldier if not himself?

A Drug Named "Pain"
Part 4

Sometimes, a person learns things about the one they love in the worst possible ways. And sometimes, what they learn destroys that love.

Six weeks later, still in several casts with a horrible scar visible arching across his head, Duo finally confronted a woebegone Heero Yuy.

Heero's injuries were well on their way to healing completely, it had been a relatively clean gunshot wound, easily treated by surgical methods. His mind, however, was tormented by the knowledge of what he had done to his beautifullover. The drug had been successfully eliminated from his mind and body; never again would it control him. But never again would Duo Maxwell trust him, either.

The Japanese man was stunned by how fragile and damaged his former lover looked when he saw him for the first time.

The shaved portion of Duo's head and the angry red scar which lay there seemed like sacrilege. But the red scars beneath the once full lower lip were horrifying; he had permanently marked the youth in a way he would never have imagined and had been unprepared to see.

Duo sat in a chair, his shattered wrist lay limply in his lap encased in yet another cast after recent additional reconstructive surgery. He was flanked by Quatre and the now constant source of reassurance which Wufei had become.

After weeks of recovery, Duo had been deemed well enough to be told about the rape attempt as well, yet it seemed to have had no effect on him when he was told. The lack of reaction sent ripples of fear through his friends, especially Wufei who was just then healing emotionally from his own rape due to Heero Yuy's demented mind. But Duo was more deeply effected by the acts of betrayal Heero had perpetrated against him. And somewhere deep in his mind, he had always suspected that this had happened to him anyway. All of the talk of "Pain's" sexual side-effects had not been lost on his quick mind, no matter how terrified he'd been.

Chang Wufei's fears and concerns were far more personal than he had expected.

He refused to leave Duo's side, going so far as to insist that they share a room. When the nightmares overtook the American, Wufei never hesitated to hold him and help him through the pain as best he could. Though far from sexual, the intimacy of their shared sorrow forged a bond between them that both clung to. For what felt like the first time since his wife Meiran's death, the heir to the Dragon Clan began to feel at peace. He was helping a dear friend survive the unthinkable and it gave him joy and self-confidence to know he was capable to do so by simply comforting the now too-thin American youth.

Trowa stood nearby with a gun in his hand, a clear reminder to Heero just who it was that had been forced to stop him and that Trowa was more than ready to shoot him again if necessary.

Heero stood as if facing a firing squad and asked a single question. "Why am I not dead?"

"You are not dead, Yuy," Wufei snarled, "because Duo asked us to spare your life." Heero looked puzzled by this, it was apparently not the answer he had expected.

"I needed to face you, Heero," Duo spoke with only a trace of fear after the weeks of counseling he had received. "You did what you did because of an OZ drug named 'Pain', not because you wanted to, or so we believe. What I need to know is how much of what you told me that day was the truth and how much was lies."

"I don't recall everything I said, Duo," He dared to look his former-lover in the eyes desperately wishing he could hold him again, to apologize more fully. "However, no matter what I said, I don't deserve to live now. Not after what you've been through because of me."

"That's Duo's decision, Yuy, not yours." Trowa commented pointedly.

Duo, however, insisted on getting his answers. "You told me you like causing pain. That you liked beating me. These were things you said before you chased me into the woods. Are they true?"

"Yes and no," Heero admitted, looking at the floor. "I do indeed enjoy causing pain, but only to those who deserve it. You have never deserved that from me. OZ, however, they deserve it, now more than before, and given the chance I will make them suffer for what has happened to you as well as the horrible things I did to Wufei. He, too, deserves justice."

"I have deferred my right to chose to Duo, Yuy," Wufei said without emotion.

Duo sighed, "Then Heero, I will not ask for your death now. But I also can not bear the idea of ever being beside you in anything but a battle involving our Gundams. Any mission which teams us up I will refuse. If you ever come near me again, I will shoot you myself. Don't expect any open welcome of any sort from me or the others. From now on, you are a solo operative. Don't come near any of us unless you arrange it in advance. If we see you unexpectedly, you will die by our hands. Do you understand the terms of your survival?"

"I do," Heero seemed sad yet resigned to his fate. "I will stay away, if that's what you all prefer. Perhaps some day we can be in the same room once more without bloodshed. In the meantime, I will wreck vengeance for all of us on OZ." He turned to leave.

"Heero, wait," Trowa called out to him. "Tell us the truth, do you truly prefer to live a dishonored life in order to still serve the colonies or would you prefer death?"

Heero looked at him searching for answers. "Frankly, I prefer death, Trowa. However, like Wufei, I defer my right to choose to Duo, he has suffered the most from all of this. If this is what he has chosen, then so be it."

Trowa nodded. "I expected you to say that. You are indeed once more who you were. If you had answered otherwise, I would have put a bullet into your skull immediately. Earn back Duo's trust and respect and you will earn back mine as well, but for now, you have caused enough pain."

"'Pain', Trowa?" Quatre glanced at his lover in apparent disbelief, "*Only* pain?!? You think all he caused is PAIN?!?"

Trowa didn't bother to answer, this was part of their test of the antidote, a test they had refused to perform where civilians could have been hurt. Having the word "pain" spoken aloud three times in rapid succession by the blond seemed not to have effected Heero in the slightest, but there was one more test to come.

Wufei growled, "Leave us, Yuy, while you still can."

"Hai." He turned and left the safehouse expecting never to see his lover again.


He was nearly fifty feet from the door when a gunshot rang out from the building behind him; he heard Duo's anguished scream.

Running back, he shouted and kicked the door open, uncertain what could have happened in the half-minute he'd been gone.

He found Duo's apparently dead body laying on the floor in what seemed to be a pool of blood, a smoking gun lay nearby; it looked like suicide. Heero's hand trembled as he reached for the gun, intending to follow Duo in death where he was no longer welcome to follow him in life.

In his grief, he never even checked for a pulse.

"Wait for me, Duo," he whispered, putting the warm barrel into his mouth and pulling the trigger.

Nothing happened.

"I *was* waiting, Heero," the body beneath him said calmly. Then Duo sat up wiping the artificial blood out of his eyes to look at the Wing pilot who stared back incredulously.

Heero then found himself confronting the other three pilots as well, all watching him clinically for his reaction. Eye's wide in confusion, he watched Duo, clearly unhurt, nodding slowly.

"So, you really are over the drug, Heero," he commented dryly. "Then you can be trusted to an extent. That was a test we devised to see how much you had changed and it would appear you are normal once more, at least, 'normal' for you. You may disregard most of the previous instructions then. All that I insist on, for now at least, is that you make no moves towards me personally. I won't be able to return to duty for some time, so those issues can wait. You can stay here if you like," his voice quivered a little at the very thought of having the man sleep under the same roof as himself and his other victim. "But be advised, *Wufei* and I share a room now and any unwanted company there will be shot on sight, no questions asked!"

"That is an understatement, Yuy," Wufei threatened while gently helping Duo clean the red fluid off his face. "Set one foot in that room at all and you will die. We have both suffered by your hands and neither wish to relive those experiences."

Relieved to see Duo unhurt and thrilled at the idea he would be trusted once more to at least stay near the man he still loved, he nodded. "Understood, Wufei. I will abide by those restrictions as long as Duo wishes them. As I said before, I defer my choice to him. Since you also deferred to him, I assume this satisfies you."

"For now," he snarled, wishing he was not so constrained.

The Chinese pilot had placed himself into a dangerous position, though. Long nights of holding Duo in his arms had forced him to realize that he had come to love the American, yet he knew full-well Duo's heart was terribly confused by his lingering feelings for his ex-lover. A gentle soul, the dark eyed man would never pressure Duo for a relationship under any circumstances and was pleased to be his protector if nothing else. As long as they shared a bed, even platonically, he could be happy.

To Wufei's total delight, Duo reached out to him, "Wu, can you help me up? I'm kind of stuck here." Duo smiled helplessly at him, then glared in annoyance at his own ankle which was uncooperative again. The cast he wore for the broken bones there simply irritated him.

"Gladly, my friend" Wufei smiled, easily bringing Duo carefully to his feet and holding him upright.

Duo, glaring straight into Heero's saddened eyes, wrapped his right arm around Wufei's waist tightly bringing a startled smile to his face. Whether this was for support in standing or something more, none of the three involved truly knew, but the message was clear. The pair were now united in some fashion and Heero was not welcome near either of them.

Heero Yuy, however, saw this and felt his world begin to collapse. He wondered how long it would take to exact his revenge for this latest loss which seemed even greater than anything he had experienced before.

Sadly, Heero Yuy would never know that at the same time he felt his own reality lurch uncomfortably, so had Duo Maxwell's. The braided pilot faced a lengthy recovery period before he'd ever pilot his beloved Deathscythe again in the name of peace. The mental suffering was terrible after what could easily be viewed as the worse possible case of abuse by a loved one any of the pilots had ever seen. Everything the young man had held dear had been shaken to the very core and he had no idea how to pull his life back together. It never even occurred to him that he might inadvertently destroy the hopes and dreams of his dear friend Chang Wufei at the same time. Actions speak louder than words, so what exactly was he trying to say? He really didn't know.

Thus, due to the decision by a cold-hearted woman to experiment on one of them, all five Gundam pilots were miserable, but at least they were a team again. Tortured in many ways for the foreseeable future, but still a team.

A team in spite of a drug aptly named "Pain".

Author's Notes:

1. This special edition fic is a gift! Happy Birthday Dec.11.2000 to the elegant Lady Tomanaiya! Best wishes for a wonderful year from Enigma and your sister, the marvelous Lady DarkAngel! Now go party!!!

2. On a more serious note, this fic is also dedicated to the brave men and women who fly the Life Flight Trauma Response Helicopters at Duke University Medical Center as well as those like them around the world. These people give of themselves above and beyond anything they ever learned in medical school and risk their own lives daily to save others. These teams often work long shifts with little rest, yet they always rise to the occasion when they are needed. To all of these fine emergency rescue personnel: God Speed! And Thank You!

3. Obviously, the Greek muse of tragedy Melpomene is responsible for this sick twisted fic. Yes, SteelSong, she mugged me once and implanted "Guilt Trip" my first ANGST fest that awaits rebirth in 2001 if she stops sending me new things! She is my greatest blessing as well as my greatest curse for writing! Thanks be to the ancient Greeks for leaving me such a, um, er, gift? (^_^)

4. I've been asked by several folks to set up an alert system when something of mine is available, so please feel free join the over 70 people already there and sign up at EnigmaFanficUpdates-subscribe@egroups.com!


This fic asked a few dangerous questions at the start, did I answer them?

Let's see:

#1: How would Duo handle it if Heero tried to kill him somewhere other than an OZ cell? Well, he handled it as well as he could all things considered. It destroyed everything he believed about Heero, nearly destroyed himself though after wards. Not a perfect solution, is it?

#2: What could push Heero to really want to kill his lover full force, yet he would fail to succeed? I think it would take a very irresistible force and a mind control drug would be that. Just having an order from Dr. J he's DEAD, Jim! would never be enough to get him to kill his beautiful lover! He failed because in spite of it, he didn't want to do this .

#3: What could possibly stop the Perfect Soldier if not himself? Well, he stopped himself, didn't he? Recall the "voice" in his soul screaming for him to stop cutting him? That was himself. Plus, it took a bullet, courtesy of Trowa this time, but a bullet nonetheless.

So, did I answer these sufficiently? There must be other answers, but these are the ones that came up for me here.

Now, what do I say about the pairing of "(5+2)implied"? Well, it seems to be clear that is what Wufei wants, but what does Duo want? I'm really not sure. What do you think?

Overall, I learned a lot about my views on the G-Boys here. I hope you enjoyed it.


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