Disclaimers: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing Universe. I'm not making any money off this story. It's written out of love, so please don't sue me.

Written: May-July, 2001
Overall Rating: NC-17
Overall Pairings: (3+5) (1x2/2x1) (?x5)NCS
Category: DARK Angst Yaoi/Shonen ai Friendship Rape-Memories Sap Lime AU-OOC
Enigma Story Categories: G-Boys High Adventure! & Gundam Nightmares
Warnings: DARK, angst, yaoi/shonen ai, friendship, remembrance of non-consensual sex, sap, lime, language, violence, fear, AU-OOC

Notes: The hidden gifts that Wufei discovered brought him a sense of joy at the time, but now shadows of a dark and painful past return and his world begins to shatter. Can Trowa find the strength to truly love him unconditionally and somehow keep the Chinese teen from being irrevocably destroyed?


Unconditional Gifts
Part 18

Eventually, all five Gundam pilots were gathered around the kitchen table, drinking coffee and casting odd glances at one another, none of them willing to start the conversation that was so desperately needed.

Quatre was about to go back to his room to get out of his pajamas when Heero finally asked bluntly, "Well, Wufei, going to explain what happened this morning or are you just going to leave us all to guess?"

Slightly ashamed and confused, the Chinese teen looked up and said simply, "I woke up two hours ago and since I did not wish to disturb anyone, I thought I would see if I could find a way to get to that observation platform at the top of the house. Um, what did you call that, Quatre?" Wufei was lying, but at this point, even he was unaware of it and he was admittedly curious about the odd structure at the top of the vacation home.

"It's called a 'widow's walk', Wufei," the blond teen offered. "Legend has it that places like that were where the wives of men lost at sea would pace back and forth hoping that their husbands might come home to them just the same."

"Strange name," Wufei remarked, then frowned and stated, "I apparently fell asleep sitting up there, I do not recall every detail and am certain that it has little real bearing on the matter. However, I do not understand why you were all so concerned about me. Even now Maxwell continues to give me the oddest looks and, frankly, Heero, I am surprised that you require an explanation of my behavior."

"Now just a damned minute!" Duo exclaimed angrily, he'd been trying to calm down but the defeated look had returned to Wufei's eyes despite his words and he wasn't about to let the smaller teen slide away from them into his old shell of brusque arrogance.

Trowa intervened, however, glancing meaningfully at Duo even as he reached out to take Wufei's hand in his own, holding them together in full view on the tabletop. "Before a shouting match breaks out, let me explain something. Fei-kun, we're all worried and I know that you know that, but until things get worked out, you can't just wander off like that."

"Why not?" Wufei cocked his head in annoyance but didn't try to pull his hand away. "I am perfectly capable of caring for myself, Tro. I do not need to be watched over like a child."

"Oh really?" Duo asked sarcastically. "You're so damned good at caring for yourself that you got yourself a nice little sunburn on purpose?"

"What does *that* have to do with anything?" Wufei demanded, finally angry enough to pull his hand free of Trowa's grasp and crossing his arms over his chest, only to find that doing so aggravated the slightly reddened skin that Duo had mentioned. Simply to protect his pride, he suppressed a desire to uncross his arms as well as look for some aloe lotion to ease the pain.

"This is stupid!" Quatre finally snapped. "Why are we all dancing around the truth? Wufei, we feel you need to be 'watched over', as you called it, because we don't want you to do something we'll all regret."

"I fail to see what you are getting at, Quatre," Almond-shaped dark eyes narrowed, as Wufei refused to accept this at face value.

"Suicide, Chang," Heero snarled abruptly. "We're worried you might try to kill yourself with everything that's been going on and we're going to see to it that you don't get the chance!"

"Heero, you fucking bastard!!" Trowa exclaimed, rising to his feet in anger and fear. He'd assumed that no one would be quite so blunt and he wondered if mentioning it might not make the possibility of it occurring greater than it needed to be. "That's enough! If you wanted to go into *that* topic, it could have been done in any of a hundred better ways. Come on, Fei, let's get the hell out of here!"

He reached out to the Chinese teen and then realized that Wufei seemed to have crumpled in on himself, sitting slumped in his chair, hands in his lap. A sudden flash of memory brought to mind the game of Risk when Duo had inadvertently mentioned something about Wufei and the leadership of OZ, a remark that left the usually strong ShenLong pilot virtually immobile and unresponsive for a few eerie moments months prior.

Around the table, the others looked shocked at this latest turn of events but they knew better than to interfere at this point.

What Wufei could never have admitted to himself much less the others was that suicide was exactly what had been on his mind when he had sought the solitude of the widow's walk in the first place. In the slow ebb and flow of memories that were returning to him despite his not wishing them were visions of several of the Chinese pilot's failed attempts on his own life.

Wufei recalled the dark day off the California coast when he lost the duel with Treize Khushrenada and he had been mere seconds away from self-destruction when Trowa's voice on the Gundam communication system called him back from choosing a watery death. Other points of time when he had felt defeated beyond his ability to survive also surfaced, yet none compared with those of the hazy and barely recalled days after he slowly regained awareness following his escape from Berlin.

Suppressed memories had been awakened by the previous morning's ill-timed attempt at intimacy with the boy that he loved, yet it would be a few more painful discussions until most of them were brought to light. However, one that had sprung back to mind clearly was of Wufei's aborted suicide attempt when he understood in only the vaguest terms that he had been dishonored and death seemed the only option.

The Chinese teen had been in Algiers at the time and had obtained a simple flask of poison with the intention of simply vanishing into the African continent, never to be seen or heard from again. But fate had intervened and before he could find a location to end the admittedly unclear sorrow he felt, there had been a self-appointed rescue mission of a fishing boat in the Mediterranean Sea. Working with a diverse group of civilians to bring the seven-man crew home safely and then observing the tender reunions of the sailors with their families had struck a chord with the young warrior and Wufei thought of how his own death might cause the other pilots pain. Trowa's face in mind as he did so, Wufei had poured the deadly liquid onto the African soil and he had forced himself to keep going.

Sorrow and suicidal intentions had gone hand in hand for the lone survivor of L-5, and in the early morning hours Wufei had been mentally lost in images of another coastline and another day. If there had been poison available to him there in the beach house, the search would have had an entirely different outcome, yet no one would ever know of it as his disturbed mind once more sank into confusion and left him unable to respond to those around him.

Forcing himself to calm down, Trowa knelt down next to Wufei's chair and looked up at the coffee-dark eyes that seemed lost and frightened. Moving carefully, Trowa gathered the bronze hands into his own and noticed they were shaking slightly and he felt his heart skip a beat in fear. He knew that they couldn't afford to have Wufei close himself off again, there were too many questions that desperately needed answers.

"Koi?" Trowa said softly, "Where are you, dragon? Come back to me. Please, Fei?"

A subtle shiver ran through Wufei's body and he forced his eyes to lift enough to meet Trowa's and he asked softly, "what did you just call me, tro?"

Blinking at the change of subject, Trowa answered, "I called you 'dragon', Fei, is that all right? Did I say something wrong with that?"

Actually, Trowa had said something very right at that moment, the name of Wufei's clan being a stronger trigger for him than the word "suicide" had been mere moments before.

Unable to speak as elegantly or as controlled as he usually did, Wufei answered in a soft, child-like voice, "No, it's okay, I guess. No one's called me that since I was a child. The other kids teased me saying that I was just a useless little lizard and nothing like the dragons my clan was supposedly descended from, but they called me 'dragon' after awhile and I kinda started to like it. Dragons are large and powerful and I felt so small and weak all the time, being the only child in a house full of adults."

The other four pilots listened closely to this rare insight into the inner thoughts and memories of their teammate. If this was what had brought Wufei back to awareness then there might be clues to the increasingly frustrating situation they all faced.

"But when it turned out that I was going to be the last child of my clan, it got worse again. A bride was assigned to me and there was talk of my being expected to have children with her and I hated all of it. I hated my parents for dying and leaving me alone. I hated Meiran for being a girl since I didn't like girls. I hated just about all of it and then before I could stop it from happening, I was married. I almost got used to that idea, but then she died and I was suddenly stuck in a mobile suit, killing people and trying to find the justice in all of it, but I never found any. All I knew then was that I was the last of the Dragon clan and there wasn't much hope after I saw them blow up my colony. Everybody I ever knew or loved was dead, so why was I left alive?" He sighed in pain before adding quietly, "I hated that, too."

Shimmering dark eyes had become unfocused as Wufei had spoken and now tears slid unnoticed down bronze cheeks until one hit a slightly raw spot in the new scar tissue and the stinging of salt in the wound roused him from his reverie. Lifting a trembling hand to wipe away the dampness, he came back to awareness of where he was and who he was with.

Frightened sloe eyes cast about the room yet found only understanding and sympathy everywhere Wufei looked. An almost uncontrollable urge to flee ran through him and he might have done just that if the only person who truly mattered anymore had failed to reach out to him at that exact moment.

"It's okay, love," Trowa reassured, moving to pull him close, sitting down and embracing Wufei without regard for the reactions of the others present. "You're not alone any more, koi. I'm here and I won't leave you. Ever."

"Really?" Wufei asked in honest fear somehow unaware of the fact that he was sitting in Trowa's lap on a kitchen floor.

The frightened Chinese youth was slowly realizing how thoroughly he'd just bared his soul and it terrified him to know that these other four young men now knew at least some of the sorrow he'd carried with him for so long.

None of them truly knew the extent of knowledge the others had of their backgrounds or histories, and while this information was not the ultimate secrets that needed to be revealed, this was still unsettling. He watched Trowa's eyes with growing fear until the answer was spoken.

"My love for you is unconditional and eternal, Chang Wufei." Trowa stated firmly, truth in every word. "I won't leave you now or in the future. Even when we have to be in different places, I won't have truly left you. My heart will remain in your care and I can only pray that someday you'll see that this is the way it's been far longer than either of us even know."

A tiny nod and a look of hope flickered into Wufei's eyes as he accepted this gift and answered as best he could, "I love you, too, Trowa Barton, but I am not as certain as you are of everything. There are things that haunt us both, do we not need to address them before we pledge ourselves so totally?"

"No." Trowa answered firmly with a sad smile, he knew that some of these unspoken issues pertained to his own difficult past and he had no intention of allowing any of that darkness to be brought into the light until his love was past the point of danger. "That's what unconditional love is all about, koi. Accepting each other without reservations and without knowing everything about one another. That's the only kind of love I'm willing to offer, do you accept it?"

"Of course," Wufei answered shyly, and then sighed as he rest his head onto Trowa's shoulder and whispered so that only Trowa would hear, "i offer you the same, do you accept?"

"i accept it and will treasure it always," Trowa answered, pulling him into an even tighter embrace.

As the couple on the floor sat together, the other three teens beat a hasty retreat to give them some privacy and to give their own thoughts a chance to settle.

Full Author's Notes to Run at Conclusion.

on to part 19

back to fiction

back to enigma fiction

back home