(A Totally Pointless "Rating Guide" Excuse for Fun)

Written: November, 2000
Rating: G PG PG-13 R NC-17 (aka Various)
Pairings: [none] (1+2) {1x2x1}
Category: WDNNSP! (Humor/Parody) Angst (Non-Yaoi/Shonen ai/Yaoi) OOC (Lemon/Lime/PWP) AU
WARNINGS: Angst (you're reading this, right? does it hurt?), non-yaoi, shonen ai, yaoi, possible-death, torture (breakfast at Denny's under the "G Rated" version is boring as Hell!), lemon/lime (general descriptions, not the real deal), PWP (this for the 1x2x6 trio idea inspired by Jade! plus the exhibitionism and voyeur bits inspired by my own reactions to reading lemons!). OOC-ness (uh, {1x2}LEMON in a Denny's? OMG!!!), AU (has to be, doesn't it?), sap (why they say "ai shiteru"), fluff (the misc. stuff at the bottom of Duo's pants pockets), and general silliness. Hmm... anything else?
Disclaimers: I don't own diddly, borrowed G-bishonen without permission, had only a moderate amount of fun writing this (not enough blood and sex!), so don't sue me.

NOTE: Here's a handy guide to knowing how to rate your fic! One basic plot in all five ratings categories with adjustments for sex and violence as they go!

Heero and Duo do Denny's

((author's intro))


What happens to a fic writer who gets a weird request from a newbie writer to define the five standard rating levels? Well, ordinarily, the first fic writer would think long and hard and give a truly helpful answer. Sadly, (oooh! I'll miss writing that all the time for "Secrets" ) said newbie got stuck with *me* instead of the *nice fic writer*! (^_~)! So, what came of the request was a truly warped piece of insanity. So, for now, consider this a one-time glimpse of the truly strange internal workings of what I laughingly call my mind.

What follows is one basic story---Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell stop by a popular American dining establishment to get some breakfast. Not hard, right? Well, if anyone can making breakfast a little weird for our G-Boys, I kinda' think it's me.

Anyway, this one basic story then evolves from a squeaky clean "G" rating through all of the levels to end up at "NC-17" where things happen that I dare say never occur at your local Denny's! (Duo doing a strip tease standing on a table?!? Oi! What is *wrong* with me?!?)

So, without further pretense that this will make sense, here it is. Read the warnings and keep in mind these are overviews, NO REAL LEMONS ARE PRESENTED!!!


"G" Rated Non-yaoi (Pretty Darn Boring!!!)

Heero and Duo walk into a Denny's restaurant to eat breakfast. They sit down and eat. There is no swearing, no innuendoes, no suggestive winks. There is no music since someone would undoubtedly get offended. They pay their bill, leave a nice tip and leave without injuring anyone or damaging property.


"PG" Rated [Non-yaoi] (Slightly Less Boring!)

Heero and Duo walk into a Denny's restaurant to eat breakfast. They sit down and eat. The music is soft-rock classics set to muzak. There is one mild curse ("darn!") when the scrambled eggs fall off the plate onto the floor, no innuendoes, *one* suggestive wink (directed at waitress). They pay their bill, leave a *lousy* tip, but leave without injuring anyone or damaging property. On the way back to wherever, Heero uses the Yuy Death Glare (TM) on an offending tree branch.


"PG-13" Rated [Shonen Ai] (Much Less Boring, But Not Exciting Either)

Heero and Duo walk into a Denny's restaurant to eat breakfast. They sit down and eat. Their fingertips brush "electrically" when Heero passes the salt to Duo. There is a lot of swearing (level ala' the Simpsons), a few innuendoes, Duo uses several suggestive winks all aimed at Heero, but neither professes undying love or sexually molests the other . They pay their bill, but don't leave a tip because they see incoming Leos. No civilian casualties, but if it's an E-sama fic, probably one of the Gundam pilots will wind up bleeding. Moderate level of property damage.


"R" Rated [Yaoi Lime] (Almost Exciting in Some Areas, Way Cool Battle Damage!)

Heero and Duo walk into a Denny's restaurant to eat breakfast. They sit down to eat but get carried away with other things. When Heero passes the salt to Duo it is practically like sex . Duo does a sexy strip-tease of limited proportions for Heero's appreciative eyes, then professes undying love and tries to get in his pants right then and there. The bill is forgotten in a moment of passion, as they sprint to the Gundams in the parking lot to carry on their activities were the reader can't "watch". Just as the action heats up past the kissing, nibbling, licking each other's chest, etc., phase and they are ready for more, they see incoming Leos .

A little girl and her dog die. Heero goes berserk and rains heavy metal death down on the opposing forces. However, Zechs and Tallgeese II appear and draw Heero and Wing Zero into battle. It is nicely choreographed, lots of special effects, music interesting J-Pop/Classical hybrid. There is still a lot of swearing, as Heero falls victim to a damaged cannon coupling and it blows half of his Gundam to smithereens. Since it's an E-sama fic, he ends up bleeding profusely and this scares the shit out of Duo who wanted to change the lime to a lemon but wont get to . Heero might die he might not, . Massive level of property damage. The Denny's ceases to exist.


"NC-17" Rated [Yaoi LEMON-Style] (VERY Exciting! ULTRA Cool Battle Damage!)

Heero and Duo walk into a Denny's restaurant to eat breakfast. They never bother to sit down to eat because they can only think of one thing---SEX! Duo jumps on top of a table and performs a sexy strip-tease then professes undying *lust* and starts getting in Heero's now too-tight pants then and there. Since they are enjoying themselves they totally disregard going anywhere else for their little tete a tete . They have wild monkey sex with vivid descriptions that cause many readers to fall over in a dead faint. As soon as they get to the "One says, "Ai shiteru", because they have to say it or this is just a gratuitous lemon and if they remind people they love each other, then it's fine that the readers enjoyed 'watching' the boys/youths/young men/men have sex!" something happens. Doesn't it always?

Zechs, who is mad the wild monkey sex scene is over and he wasn't more actively involved, runs out and gets Tallgeese II for battle. Heero, who is not as sleepy as Duo for reasons you can guess at, feels like some battle fun, too. He yanks Duo's clothes back onto the limp figure of his lover (oops! some poetic stuff snuck in! how'd that happen?) and then, being unwilling to fight in Wing Zero without them, he also yanks back on the omnipresent green tank-top and those way-too-tight-to-be-healthy-for-a-growing-boy spandex pants. They sprint to the Gundams in the parking lot Heero shoves a kawaii sleepy head into Deathscythe Hell and closes the cockpit so he knows where to track down his lover for the "after battle" victory celebration!

Wing Zero gladly joins Tallgeese II in battle, obviously both pilots are really getting "happy" fighting! The battle is excellently choreographed, oodles of special effects, music upgraded to a John Williams soundtrack combining key elements of classical music with the "Star Wars Imperial March". There is even more swearing, as Heero sees incoming Leos, Tauruses, Virgos, and Mobile Dolls .

A little girl and her dog die; but to keep the politically correct scales even so does: a little boy with a cat, an old man with an ostrich, a middle aged woman whose career is failing her, and a dish that was running away with a spoon. Heero goes berserk ala' a John Woo film, and rains heavy metal death (with an insert song by Aerosmith who is trying to reach a younger demographic) down on the opposing forces obliterating them spectacularly!

Eventually, due to lack of sexual content or insufficient levels of violence, Heero decides to self-destruct to get Zechs, but it doesn't "go all the way" ! Heero falls out of Wing Zero and lands on the excruciatingly hard pavement, breaking plenty of bones and generating lots and lots of blood and ANGST!!! Since it's an E-sama fic, he scares the shit out of Duo and Zechs both of whom had plans of their own for a three-way after the battle <(^_~)!>. Heero might die he might not, but the lack of the sexual escapades of the three-way is angsty enough, ne? The entire city this took place in is finally decimated. The Denny's was vaporized, so it's no big deal the check went unpaid.

So, there you go! How to rate your fic the E-sama way!

Want to boost to a higher level? Increase the sex and violence!

Want to decrease it? Umm, wait, uh, why would you want to do that?

(^_^) Have fun!

Author's Note:

This irredeemable piece of nonsense is brought to you by the honorary muse of angst, Melpomene aided and abetted by both Thalia, the muse of comedy, and Erato, honorary muse of lemons. She says that even if I didn't write out the citrus, she knows I was thinking it through pretty clearly! She's right of course! (^_~)!


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