The Babe Magnet
by D.C. Logan
"Well, we could try fooling around on the sofa again, but my bruises have barely faded from the last time we did that, and Uncle Howard made me work inventory so I wouldn't freak the customers out. I hate taking inventory."
"We could try crating her."
"Yeah, but the last time we did that, she screamed so loud that your neighbors pounded on your front door and threatened to call the police." Duo picked at the seam of his jeans and didn't look up.
Heero tapped his fingers on his knee. "So what are our other options? What else have we tried?"
"Shutting her out of the bedroom?"
"Same problem, only with the destroyed trim and carpeting where she tried to dig under the door."
"Oh. Yeah. Right."
Heero frowned. "So you're telling me that we're never going to have any sex, because my girlfriend is too protective of me."
"That's sort of the way it's looking at the moment, yeah." Duo got a hopeful look on his face. "Hey, wait a minute. She seems to be okay as long as we stay on the kitchen counter..."
"Duo?" Heero shook his head at him. "I absolutely refuse to have sex with you on the kitchen counter the first time we do this." Heero considered and titled his head to the side, evaluating possibilities. "We'll save the counter for whenever else you want, number two through four thousand if you want, but I'll be damned if my dog is going to get the best of me and that our first time having sex together is where I routinely make meatloaf."
"I haven't heard it called that before... Making meatloaf, huh? Maybe we should call Trowa and..."
Heero slumped back in his chair. "That's it, I can't take this any more. Kitty be damned, I need some nookie."
Duo laughed. "Okay."
Heero blinked. "Okay, okay? Really?"
"Really. Really. It's not like I need candlelight and roses and Rhett Butler to carry me over the threshold or something and..."
He lost his words along with his breath as Heero grabbed Duo and, in the style of manly men doing manly things, picked him up and wrestled him onto his shoulder, patting his rear comfortingly in the process of doing so.
"Hey, that's uncomfortable, you bastard." More so because he was laughing his ass off and couldn't breathe.
"Fine." Eight steps later, he was summarily dumped onto the unmade expanse of Heero's bed. "Is that better?"
Duo rolled over onto his back in order to face Heero and give him a teasing eyebrow wiggle. "Well now, that depends on what I get for the rest of the show."
Heero slammed the bedroom door and dropped to his hands and knees, slowly approaching the bed and slipping up the side of the mattress to Duo. "What did you have in mind?"
"See how it goes, and just move along with what we're comfortable with for now." Duo reached out and tugged Heero closer by way of his shirtsleeve. "Though I think we're both wearing too much at the moment." This was familiar territory for them both, at least.
Heero managed to get his shoes off and was working on removing Duo's left boot when the whining started. By the time he made it to Duo's socks, the whining was loud enough that it was becoming distracting. By the time Duo had Heero's shirt on the floor, she was crying and scraping her toenails along the door, and something had to be done. Duo made it to Heero's underwear before he gave in and started laughing.
Heero gave an insulted yelp. "What?"
"I don't know whether to kiss her or kill her." Duo pointed at the convenient hole she'd eaten in Heero's underwear. "First she provides the easy access undergarments, then she complains about us using them!"
Kitty took that moment of opportunity to begin howling on the other side of the door.
Duo gave Heero that look, that 'when are we ever going to get this figured out' sort of look, and Heero sprawled over on the other side of the mattress and laughed. A minute later, Duo joined him.
"You know, if this were a conventional relationship, that could have been a six-year old girl on the other side of the door, asking us what we were up to."
"Yeah, Heero, but we would have at least had the pleasure of making her first. And had the honeymoon period. I'm not going to even ask which one of us got pregnant, because I don't want to know." He lifted his head and looked at the door. "Are you going to let our daughter in before she breaks the door down?"
"Fine." Heero clambered out of bed and wrenched the door open. A frantic whirlwind of adolescent puppy leapt onto the mattress and did her level best to dive into the covers. She missed, and hit Duo head on. "Oh, bitch... that hurt." Duo rubbed his chest where she'd impacted and looked up at Heero, standing barefoot in the doorway with most of his clothes missing. "Well, it was a good start that time, Heero. Maybe we can talk with Trowa about boarding her or something."
Heero stomped over to the bedside in a fit of 'I have had fucking enough of dogs, dammit'; settled Duo carefully back into bed; arranged the pillows to prop him up; kissed him tenderly on the lips, completely ignoring the flailing puppy on the opposite side of the bed; and tugged the sheets carefully back into place. "Comfortable?"
"Eh, yeah. What's this about, Heero?"
Heero pushed him back against the nest of pillows when he made a move to rise from the bed. "Stay... Just. Stay."
Duo leaned back and watched, wide-eyed as Heero left the bedroom, and then returned a few minutes later amid much cursing and banging, with Kitty's dog crate from the living room. Duo moved to rise from the bed, but a warning growl, from Heero this time instead of the dog, kept him pinned to the mattress.
Heero set the crate in the corner of the bedroom and left, only to return a few moments later with the bedding for the crate, and then the water bucket, a toy, a chew bone, and with a nod at Duo, a blanket from the foot of the bed, which he folded once and draped over the crate. "Can't have her watching us; it just wouldn't be right."
Duo stared blankly at the production, starting to feel a flicker of hope that it might just work. Heero wrestled Kitty off of the bed and forced her into the crate and latched it, and then left the room again, leaving Duo with his jaw dropped and wondering what else could go wrong.
Heero reappeared against the bedroom doorway wearing nothing but a smile and carrying the security snap for the crate. He clicked the spring on the fastener, smiled at Duo, and pronounced: "Now we're ready."
Duo laughed. "Now that's what I call foreplay."
It didn't happen until much later that evening, after they'd managed to shift the mattress off of its frame, after Kitty had proven that, yes, she really did want to know what her two dads were doing, and they'd paused in the middle of what they were doing to find two liquid brown eyes locked on them in the bed. She remained, however, mercifully quiet.
As they eased slowly off towards sleep, after working their way though more of the condom box than they'd hoped to in one night, tired and sated and sweaty, they found the small words for each other, tucked up against each other in the nest of bedding and sheets.
Heero tucked him a little closer, adjusted a blanket with care. "So, um, I guess at this point, saying that I love you might be taken the wrong way."
"There's a wrong way to take that?" Duo opened his eyes, tired, but wanting to see Heero's face at that moment.
"I guess, maybe, there really isn't."
"Good, 'cause, I love you too."
Heero moved a little closer. "Does this mean you're keeping me?"
"Yes, yes it does."
"Good, because there's no return policy on that adoption contract."
"That's nice to know."