Two days have passed since my losing it, completely. I still don't know what the trigger was, or why it happened. Perhaps I'm just going insane, if I ever could have been considered sane.
No….that isn't right. Sanity is just a fragile ribbon among a raging tempest…
Heh, look at me getting all poetic with my thoughts…
He is still here, Quatre comes at night to watch over me while I sleep, or attempt to. They think that I can't hear them, but I can…
Dilemma is, is what I hear what they're actually saying?
Unimportant, just like everything else concerning me.
And no, I'm not all whiney about how unfair life is….
Everyone is meant for something, some have higher obligations and destinies to fulfill while others don't.
But what happens when one fails in their given task, as inconsequential as it seems. Are their second chances? I've been running everything over and over in my mind till it feels like it's going to burst. Yet still I'm left with no answers.
I'm not stupid enough to off myself, although it seemed like I wanted to with those pills, which still baffles me. The only thing left to do is live, like I was with the clouds blocking out the light.
Such a simple word, yet the power behind and within those letters is astounding Pain, Joy, Relief, Sorrow, just about every feeling, emotion, has been ensnared by that word, added to it's power.
It's caused so much pain, yet you'd think I wouldn't hold onto it with dear life right now. It is the only shield I have to protect myself, yet it is failing.
Oh did I forget to mention that he actually, FINALLY, spoke to me.
Yeah, it was the night after my trip to insanity. He was still sitting in that damn chair, watching my every move, well actually he was reading a book of some sort but I could _feel_ the glare. As usual, I just laid there staring up at the ceiling or out the window.
He shocked me, as I'm sure Heero noticed when I nearly jumped. So accustomed to desolate quietness, my name falling from his lips sounded like thousands upon thousands of windows shattering, crashing onto the ground; then he spoke again.
If I only knew, so many different things he could have meant yet I knew which answer he wanted but couldn't give it to him because I didn't know. Perhaps since I didn't respond, or try to resurrect that damn façade, whichever the reason it seemed to anger him and the next thing I knew he was in my face, eyes blazing with anger…and worry.
Yeah, the bastard was worried, but what for? He and the others had pretty much avoided me for long enough, to the point that I finally decided to let go and move on.
Heh, but I couldn't because they reappeared. I wondered why…still do.
He called my name again, yet I looked at him yet didn't see him. All I saw was the dark path that I was chosen to walk along….the path of solitude…..the path of thorns.
So I avoided his questions by not speaking, and after a while he relented and went back to his chair to continue the silent watch over me.
The others have tried as well, but I don't want to talk with them. I felt the bonds we had break away, taking pieces of me with them, no longer do I wish to make them again.
The door opens; I don't even have to look over to see who it is. It is him, like always. I figure he'll walk over to the chair, sit down and just stay there. Yet he doesn't, as the bed dips and I feel him sitting next to me.
That startles me enough to look at him, his lips are moving yet I don't hear them. Except for the last three words…
I can't breathe….my head hurts….everything comes spiraling back……..
'I love you'
They repeat over and over in my head, getting louder each time….
Three words leave my mouth, but quite the opposite of his…
"I hate you…"