The Following is Not to be taken Seriously
A Clary Lemon Rant?
It all started out with thinking about all the lemons out there, because I happen to be trying to write one up right now. I was cruising over ideas, trying to think on how to make this lemon tasty, interesting, and hopefully not a repeat of someone else's lemon or even a lemon I've done before.
And I thought to myself,
"I wonder just how many ppl have actually analyzed these things like I have?"
So my little imagination self put on a labcoat, got out a chalkboard on wheels, and suddenly Duo and Heero were sitting on a mattress nearby.
Clary: Today kids, we're gonna talk about lemons, the do's, the don'ts, the things that have been done way too often...
Duo: What? Again? Didn't we do this last week?
Heero: Baka, that was the do's and don'ts of skiing.
Clary: ANYways... As I was saying, I've read an awful lot of lemons, and I usually try to make mine original, entertaining, and hopefully not what you've read a billion times before... but, there seems to be a pattern to all lemons that is nearly unbreakable. And the funny thing is, that when and if you do break this pattern, some fans get pissed off! 0.0
Duo: So are you gonna tell the ppl what on earth you're talking about?
Clary: Shut up Duo ;p
Clary: So kids, here it is, the complete lemon guide <grin> With my... er... demonstrators Duo and Heero ^_^'
Clary: Now, most lemons have about 4 separate and distinct parts to them. <pulls out a pointer for no reason> The first part is usually the kiss <points at the boys> Go on, show them what I mean.
Duo and Heero face each other, their lips meet
Clashing, slipping, sliding, melding, softly, brutally... etc etc...
Clary: The kiss, this is almost always the first part to any lemon, it can happen any number of ways, at any time, in almost any situation, but I can guarantee, there will almost always be a kiss before the sex takes place.
Clary: Just like with those infamous bases, there are certain stages that lemons go by, now that the boys are kissing, would you like to guess what comes next?
Heero slips Duo some tongue, they wrestle around on the bed a bit. Duo starts sliding off Heero's shirt, rubbing a nipple here and there. Heero moans.
Clary: Very good! The next step will almost always be a removal of the shirt, or nipple nibbling ^_^
Duo: <manages to lift his head from Heero's chest> It is a little known fact that most guys don't have sensitive nipples, luckily my Hee-koi and I do.
Heero: Why the heck are you calling me your carp?
Duo: <nibbles on a nipple> Shut up Baka.
Clary: ^_^' While those two do their thing, let me state that also nipple nibbling has its very own process.
Step 1: tongue the nipple.
Step 2: bite gently.
Step 3: switch sides and get that poor ignored nipple.
Heero: Ouch! You bit too hard Duo... <glare>
Duo: Hold on, I'm going to lavish the other one now.
Clary: Now usually the next step after the chest attention is going to be the stomach. Though attention to the stomach is pretty much limited, forays into the belly button happen, and then the person nibbling on nipples moves onto 3rd base and or the groin area. <gestures with the pointer at the boys again>
Duo slides Heero's spandex shorts slowly off, being careful to caress each inch of bared skin revealed. Heero wiggles his hips and manages to hook the spandex onto his ankle, then tosses it off the bed and out of the way. Duo grins, gives Heero another kiss, and then proceeds to continue with a nice wet path of kisses and licks down Heero's neck, to his chest, another brief tickle of nipples, dips into the navel, and then stops directly over Heero's
Throbbing, pulsing, wet, drenched, dripping
Erection, manhood, arousal, penis, genitalia, dick, cock
Duo: ok, now what?
Heero: <bucks hips and waits>
Clary: Now, The third step of the lemon can be either a handjob...
Duo slides his hand around Heero's tool <a screwdriver perhaps?>
Clary: Or a blowjob...
Heero: <grins and pushes Duo's head down until his lips brush the bobbing head of his erection> There please...
Clary: Blowjobs can also take many forms. There's the start at the head and work your way down method. The deep throat immediately method. And a few others, I believe Duo is demonstrating the slow and steady inch your way down and suck method.
Clary: now, At this point many things can happen. Heero can decide he's had enough...
Heero: Ok, that's it, I've had enough of that! <pulls Duo away and flips him over to land on the bed with legs spread>
Clary: Hey! I wasn't done yet!
Duo: Shut up Clary!
Clary: sheeesh, no respect...
Heero: Duo's not the only one that's good with his mouth <evil grin>
Clary: <clears throat> ok, here our boy Heero is demonstrating the payback method of 3rd base. What I was going to say before, is sometimes during these blowjob scenes the boy's decide they
1: can't take it anymore "Heero take me now!"
2: cum in someone's mouth and go on from there "aahhh, yes!!!"
3: The lemon ends, a blowjob was all you were getting "Sucker!"
Duo: Mmm, sucker is right, he really is good with his mouth... ohhh yeahh...
Clary: eheheh ^_^' Naughty boys aren't they? Ok, onto the next part of most lemons, the final base! Sex <grin>
Duo: already? But I haven't... Aaahhh *splurt* nevermind <happy grin>
Heero: <Swallows, wipes his mouth, flips Duo over> like this?
Clary: Actually Heero, the position depends on whether this is your first time together. If it's your first time, whoever is receiving tends to be on his back. However, if you two have been together before, pretty much anything goes. For some odd reason, it is considered more romantic when the uke is on his back, perhaps because you two can kiss and stare into each others eyes...
Duo: But this isn't our first time, so it's ok if we do it like this, right?
Clary: Sure <leer> Besides, I'm addicted to having you on your knees for some reason...
Heero: Me too... <leers and looks around for some lube>
Clary: Aha! Yes, I nearly forgot! Prepping and stretching ^_^ Before sex, the uke is almost ALWAYS stretched and prepped, to cause less pain... or so it is said... Now usually stretching is done with a finger or the magic number of 3 fingers. Though once in a great while it is actually done with something else... but that's a rarity.
Heero: Don't forget the lube!
Clary: ah, thanks Heero! Lube is supposedly our friend in lemons, though sometimes I find it a pain in the ass to stop all the action merely to get a character to go off and grab some lube. When in fact, sometimes lube isn't even necessary! Imagine! 0.0
Duo: That's... oh right there... right Clary, it is a little... uhhnnn Heerooo... known fact that guys can get somewhat slippery without using anything...
Clary: Or at least this is what some of my gay buddies told me... When I asked them about some DJ scenes I've seen where the uke is positively dripping from his butt with no lube involved. Or as friend Kayo said, "perhaps it's the magic lube fairy?" But no... apparently it can actually happen! But, let's just stick with lube for now.
Heero: Let's see... we have KY, some nice smelling oil, mayonnaise, olive oil, hand lotion, sunscreen, lipbalm, motor oil, saliva, shampoo, conditioner, Vaseline, butter, baby oil... Where the hell did all these lubes come from!?
Clary: ^_^' Thought you two might need some choices... Though really, some of those would most likely sting... but this isn't real life, cause if it was you two would be safe boys and wearing condoms ^_^
Duo: I want to try the ... whooa!
Clary: whoops! Looks like our boy Heero has already started. Onto the stretching...
Step one: insert finger (or some other object)
Step two: watch the uke writhe
Step three: Insert another finger
Step four: Watch the uke writhe some more, possibly play with his dick a bit, move those fingers around.
Step five: Add that third and famous finger
Clary: When I first started reading lemons I noticed this strange phenomenon, as I took to calling it the "One finger, two finger, three finger... GO!"
Duo: <wriggling with his ass in the air and 3 fingers to the wind> OK! Go!
Heero: Hold on, I'm enjoying watching you writhe...
Duo: Damnit Heero, I want it now!
Clary: A lot of times in lemons, one of the two partners gets demanding and or, just can't take the strain of all that writhing anymore and indeed goes for it.
Heero tired of listening to Duo's complaining moans, removes the magical 3 fingers and carefully lubes up his cock with... something...
Heero: I'm going for the KY today Clary, It's usually non toxic and doesn't burn Duo's sensitive parts or mine... <continues to slather his erection>
Clary: I see... But don't you find that KY is so... unsexy?
Heero: <pats Duo's upraised ass and grins>Really? How could this possibly be unsexy?
Clary: Good point, Ok now kids, with the stretching out of the way our boy is going to slather himself up because after all, you can never have too much lube apparently...
Duo: <groans into the mattress and wiggles his butt>
Heero: well there was that one time...
Clary: <glare> Will you just get on with it?
Heero: <glances down at Duo's butt wiggling> Oh, right... ^_^'
Clary: oyyy, The last and final step to a lemon also has multiple parts.
Step one: Entry
Slowly, quickly, brutally, swiftly, gently
Rigid, turgid, throbbing, hard, pulsing, dripping
Cock, penis, manhood, salami, hotdog, rod, lovestick
Anus, rectum, hole, opening, rosebud, puckered entrance...
Clary: ^_^' Now this can be slow going, gentle insertion, or quick and hard and let's just bang insertion. Let's see what our demonstrator Heero is going for today.
Heero: Mmmm... .huh? Oh... right, today I'm... stop moving Duo! Today I'm... mmm so tight... .today I'm... .mmmmyeahhh... <pumps slowly in and out of Duo's upraised creamy globes>
Clary: <cough> I believe he is going the slow and steady route today kids. ^_^
Duo: Mmmm... yeahhhh
Clary: From here, the action can remain slow and steady for quite some time, the boys doing sexy things like
Moaning, groaning, cursing, shouting, screaming, saying each others names, telling each other they love one another... etc etc...
Heero: Love you Duo!
Duo: Love you too Heero!
Clary: <rolls eyes> yeah yeah, love schmuv. Usually after this, they go a bit faster...
Heero grasps Duo's hips firmly and begins to ram in steadily, moaning the whole time.
Clary: Now they look like they're both about to cum, boys?
Clary: Yup, they're about to blow their wads at this point. This is usually the last step in any lemon, the cum shot ^_^
It can be done several ways...
One: Seme grabs Uke's penis and starts to jerk it in time with his thrusting.
Two: Uke grabs his own penis and starts jerking it in time with the thrusting.
Three: Uke comes without any touching at all.
Clary: After one of these occurs, usually the Seme's penis is squeezed in a vise like grip, at which point he cums...
Duo moans loud and long and squirts his creamy fluid all over the mattress. Heero screams and pumps (yes, that's right ... 3 more times, 3 seems to be a magic number in lemons) for all he's worth. His face twists in erotic mind blowing ecstasy and he fills Duo with his white-hot seed.
Duo: Ouch! Ouch! Hot!
Heero: Whoops! Left it on the burner too long <leer>
Clary: And so the average lemon ends with the boys covered in cum and declaring love forever.
Heero: Ai Sh... <falls over>
Duo: <grin> I think I wore him out ^_^
Clary: I think so too you little minx ^_^
Clary: And this is my insane view on lemons, the few that deviate from this pattern are rare and far between, hence why I constantly worry about my own lemons. So when I tell ya, you've written a good one, I usually mean it ^_^