Sally worked late into the evening, and then returned to her office early the next morning. Heero had been a very busy boy, and she wanted the statistics she presented at the meeting to be as conclusive as possible. It almost looked as if he was trying to help her by giving her more data. Heero had not logged any other physical activity which meant that he and Duo had had sex seven times since the previous afternoon. It was a good thing, because just before dawn, Heero had been called away on another mission.
With her arms full of multiple copies of her report and the supporting data, and dressed in a dark gray suit and heels, Doctor Po made her way to the Project's conference room. She had sent a preliminary report to Treize and the scientists hoping that her positive findings would stifle further protests about the program. But that was a long shot. The scientists seemed to enjoy being at odds with her. She wondered if it was because they didn't value psychiatry or simply because she was a woman.
When Sally arrived at the meeting, the scientists were already there, and several greeted her. It wasn't a surprise when Doctor J ignored her. Although these men were virtually equal in standing, Doctor J was far more possessive of Heero than the rest. Perhaps he resented her special association with Heero?
Ms. Une took the copies from Sally and placed them around the table.
"Would you care for coffee?" Une asked.
"No, thank you." Sally's nerves were already frazzled. She needed this meeting to go her way - for Heero's sake.
A few minutes later, Treize came into the room with a flourish. Dressed in a burgundy colored double-breasted suit, and carrying a long-stemmed red rose in one hand, he looked debonair and on top of the world. No one but Treize could pull off such an entrance without seeming ridiculous.
"I've just gotten word that our operative in Europe is being transferred here." Treize grinned and took a deep breath of the rose.
"Zechs Merquise?" Instructor H asked.
"Yes, Zechs," Treize said with a purr.
As Treize's smile grew, Sally's cheeks warmed. Was there something between the two men? But when had they met?
"You're going ahead with adding an operative to the team?" Professor G asked.
"But what about the Project? The weapon is still viable," Doctor J said.
"Yes, yes," Treize said, waving the rose at them as he took his seat at the head of the table. All the others sat down when he did. "Heero will continue taking on missions as he is now, but it's time to broaden our horizons."
"But Merquise is several years older than Yuy," Instructor H said.
"True, but he's very willing... to be altered. It was costly developing the weapon as we did, and we've learned a great deal from that process. The Project will continue. Next to our weapon, Zechs is the best in the world."
Though she'd heard rumors that Treize was about to shake things up, Sally was as surprised as the scientists with the prospect of a new operative to their facility.
"And when is this happening?" she asked.
"The details are being worked out... a month, maybe less. There will be no change in personnel here, merely the addition of a new team member."
Treize made it sound so simple, and yet a new person could dramatically change the dynamic of the team. Sally bit her tongue. Once Treize made up his mind it was law and became everyone's job to make it work. He finally set his rose on the table, and picked up the report. The scientists followed suit. Sally held her breath. Everyone was so quiet. Shouldn't they be protesting by now?
"Heero's had a rather productive few days," Treize said with a wicked grin. "The sex has reduced his anxiety levels, but what am I to make of this reckless behavior you've noted?"
Sally swallowed. "Heero has claimed Mr. Maxwell for himself, and felt it his right to protect that claim."
"I see. And what is the condition of the guard?" Treize asked.
"Stable, but comatose due to the brain swelling."
Treize took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. "Your theory seems to have proven correct, doctor, but I'm not pleased with this fight and that Heero required medical attention afterward."
"He suffered only minor cuts and bruises---"
"Still it is disconcerting. You've added a variable and we must weigh the consequences."
"We should get rid of this sex partner and bring in another," Master O said. "To preclude a growing possessiveness."
"Yes, every few days rotate in a new sex partner," Instructor H said.
"Interesting," Treize said with a nod.
"That would defeat the purpose," Sally said.
"How so?" Treize asked. "The goal was to lower anxiety levels not create a bond that brings a new set of problems."
"Heero's possessiveness is natural, and it's healthy for him to develop a fuller relationship with his sex partner."
"Now you want him in a relationship?" Doctor J asked. "That can only lead to distraction, and as we all know, distraction leads to failure and injury."
"A relationship will give his life some normalcy," Sally said.
"There she goes again..." Doctor J said.
Treize held up his hand to silence the growing debate. "Doctor Po, the erratic behavior caused by Heero's excess anxiety was the problem to be addressed. If you cannot give me a clear reason why we should continue with the current variable then he should be replaced."
"It's not as simple as bringing in another individual to service Heero." She paused to be certain that she had everyone's attention. "He was very clear about who he wanted for his sex partner. I believe his reaction to a new partner could be catastrophic for the Project."
"What?" the scientists shouted in unison.
She put it into terms they could understand. "Gentlemen, you know better than anyone what Heero is capable of doing. I would not want to be the one to take away his new toy."
The scientists blinked and then nodded. When Treize grinned, Sally knew she had won the battle.
~ ~ ~
Duo stretched and rolled over, settling deeper into the big empty bed. It was going on eleven, but he didn't care. Heero had gotten up hours ago after some sort of alarm had gone off. He'd gotten out of bed and Duo fell back asleep. He had needed the sleep after the sex marathon he'd been put through. Heero must have had a lot of pent up anxiety to release.
He lingered a few minutes more and then decided it was time to get up. Maybe he'd still have time for a hot bath before Heero returned and got busy again. It wasn't easy dragging himself out of bed. His muscles were like jelly after being pounded in every conceivable position.
In the bathroom, Duo filled the Jacuzzi with hot water. No soapy bubbles for him, he just wanted to soak and enjoy the pulsating water for hours. He stepped into the tub, easing all the way down and tossing his braid over the side to keep it from getting wet. The heat was incredible and just what his aching body needed to recover. He leaned back and closed his eyes, and sure enough images of Heero sprang to mind. If only Heero was a normal guy working in some office at Bremen Enterprises. They could talk over a cup of hot java at the Summit Café, go out to a movie, dinner, and then back to Duo's apartment... Yeah, that would be nice.
"You've been noticed by an important person," Doctor Po had said to Duo.
At the time, he had been thrilled. After only a few months, he had been noticed and was on his way up. Now he was entangled in this impossible situation. There was no hope of breaking free, and he didn't dare think that Heero might feel something for him. That this could ever become something more than just fuck after glorious fuck. The sex was so good that Duo hated Heero for it, hated him for this captivity and for making him want something more between them.
After the deep soak, Duo lounged around the apartment reading and listening to music. He expected Heero back at any time. That had been the pattern. Heero would be gone for one to six hours and return to share a meal and several rounds of sex. This time Heero had left before sun up and it was now nearly four in the afternoon.
Anxious from the change in routine, Duo decided to contact Miss Noin via the intercom function on the security panel. He input number 339 and waited.
"Yes, Duo? Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah. I was wondering if you knew where Heero is? He's been gone a long time." He hated sounding needy, but Heero's absence was beginning to bother him.
"Didn't he tell you? He's on a mission."
"No, he didn't mention it. When will he be back?"
"I don't know. I'm not privy to mission details, only that he's gone. Is there something I can get you?"
Duo stared at the intercom and blinked. He felt at loose ends, more so now that he knew Heero was on a mission, but there was no need to share that with Miss Noin. "No, I'm fine," he said, softly. "Thanks."
He disconnected the call and went into the kitchen. He'd fix an early supper to occupy his time. Now that he had a good stock of groceries, he could prepare just about anything, but he chose pasta parmesan - a simple recipe from his college days. Back then he only had enough money for the dried, grated parmesan, but this time he made sure to order a hunk of fresh parmesan to slice. His mouth watered as he imagined digging into one of his favorite dishes.
While waiting for the pasta to cook, he ate olives and looked through a nature magazine Heero had lying about. It surprised him that Heero seemed interested in the outdoors. He had the awesome loft/observatory, and there were quite a few books on birds and wildlife on the bookshelves, not to mention the paintings of flora and fauna around the apartment. It wasn't as if someone like Heero couldn't appreciate cute, fluffy things. Beneath Heero's gruff exterior, Duo had seen glimpses of a caring individual. And in those soft moments Duo had come undone.
With the pasta cooked al dente, Duo poured it into the colander and plated his meal. A drizzle of olive oil, and parmesan shavings completed the preparation. He took a cola from the refrigerator and wandered upstairs to the loft. Sitting on the sofa, he looked out the window onto trees, birds and another bright day. He sighed as he tucked into his food, swirling his fork in the pasta and shoveling it in for the first big bite. It was very good, but he suddenly wasn't hungry any more. He chewed and swallowed and set the plate aside, taking a sip of his drink, and staring out the window. Where was Heero?
Duo stayed in the loft napping, and by nightfall was not sleepy at all. So, he went downstairs, got himself a plate of cheese and crackers, and plopped on the couch to watch movies. The entertainment center was a thing of beauty with its large-screen TV and surround sound. It was nearly as good as being at a movie theater. There were thousands of movies available for viewing, and not too surprising he chose an old James Bond flick, "Goldfinger."
Watching the British secret agent fly around the world, chasing gold smugglers, and bedding buxom blondes, Duo wondered all the more about Heero's whereabouts. Was there an Auric Goldfinger in the world, or an Oddjob to be confronted? Or was Heero, Goldfinger? Agent 007 was a good guy, but could Duo assume that Heero was good, too? He wasn't so sure after being kidnapped and forced into sexual servitude. But one thing Duo knew for certain, Heero Yuy did not have any blonde babes waiting in the wings.
He fell asleep on the couch, dreaming of Heero in a white tuxedo.
The next morning, Duo woke to an empty apartment. He should've been grateful for the respite, the chance for some solitude away from his captor, but in less than a week he had grown expectant of Heero's presence. It wasn't fair that life had finally given him the mysterious Mr. Kaplan in exchange for his freedom.
I can't do this anymore, Duo thought. Frustrated, he grabbed the data pad and scrolled through its menu options, looking for a way out of here. The data pad was simply a device to hold information, compose notes and send them. But might there be a way to send a malicious code through the security panel? If he could create a virus and upload it maybe he could give the Project's computer system a cold. But what would that do other than give some poor IT person a headache? Without access to the system's main server he couldn't create enough havoc to release him from this cage.
He sighed and tossed the data pad aside. It was time for a shower and breakfast.
Thirty hours later, Duo was at wit's end. Even with access to books, movies, video games, and music he was bored and unfocused. It wasn't that he couldn't find anything of interest, but that his mind kept wandering to Heero. It bothered him that he didn't know where Heero had gone or when he would be back. The guy with the great head of hair and dangerous eyes had become the center of Duo's universe, whether Duo liked it or not.
When Clementine showed up to clean the apartment at half past three, Duo was relieved and grateful. She rang the door chime like any visitor, and brought in a cart of cleaning supplies. After cordial greetings, Duo let her get to work, watching from a distance as she changed the bed linens and remade the bed, cleaned the shower stall and Jacuzzi, and loaded the dishwasher.
Before she left, he invited her to join him for a cup of coffee. She hesitated to accept, but smiled and sat down at the kitchen table with him. They chatted like old college friends. Clementine was several years older, and had similar taste in music and cuisine, but her love of movie musicals perplexed Duo.
"That's such a girl thing," he said with a snort.
"Oh, like gay guys don't love musicals?"
"You think I'm gay?"
She tilted her head and smirked. "I wasn't born yesterday. You're the first gay man I've met who didn't love musicals."
He laughed. "Sorry, but I prefer science fiction and suspense."
"I'll bet you're a closet musical lover," she said, laughing.
"Well, it wouldn't be the first thing I was in the closet about." He laughed. "I admit, I know one song, but I couldn't tell you what musical it's from."
"If you sing it, I can tell you."
"You don't want to hear me sing."
"Sure, I do. Go on."
His loneliness and her friendliness got the best of him. He got up from his chair and cleared his throat. "Oh, my darling, oh, my darling... oh, my darling, Clementine..." When she started laughing, Duo smiled, but tried to act insulted. "Is my singing that bad?"
"Come on..." he said, holding out his arms.
Clementine looked surprised, but got up from her chair and took his hands. Duo started singing "Clementine" again, spinning the maid around and moving them through the apartment as if crossing a stage in a grand theater. She laughed as he took the lead and guided her this way and that. They danced around the living room, Duo repeating the song at the top of his lungs, and took a turn in the bedroom, covering as much square footage as possible. They were coming out of the bedroom, giddy and out of breath when Duo spun Clementine around and smack into Heero.
The maid yelped in surprise, stumbling back into Duo's arms. Duo held her a moment to steady her and then let go. They stood side by side shocked and breathless as Heero stared at them with those damnable intense eyes.
"You're home," Duo said, finally.
Heero didn't respond, but his eyes said it all. He was not happy. Clementine took that as her cue to leave. She curtsied, scurrying away as she grabbed her cart. She looked back over her shoulder with a worried grimace before heading out the door. When it closed behind her, Heero stepped forward, taking Duo by the wrist and pulling him into the bedroom. He pushed Duo onto the bed, and stood over him, looking down.
"Take your clothes off," he said.
Duo swallowed. It had been nearly three days since they'd seen each other. Shouldn't there be more of a transition than this? He slipped off his t-shirt, tossing it on the floor as he stared back. Heero removed his own shirt, and lifted his chin indicating Duo should continue. Duo unfastened his button-fly jeans. The five buttons popped softly as they came undone, and Heero mirrored his movements as he unzipped his pants. They slid out of their pants and underwear at the same time, and Duo could see that Heero was becoming fully hard. Heero was going to take him without preamble. Couldn't they talk? Couldn't he be given a chance to explain why he was dancing with the maid?
They were both naked and on the bed now. Duo back on the pillows, and Heero over him slicking his cock with lubricant.
"Don't be mad," Duo said as Heero's cock pressed to his entrance.
Heero hesitated, looking into Duo's eyes with a strange flash of emotion. "You were only dancing, right?"
"Of course," Duo said. Had that been jealousy in Heero's eyes? Impossible.
He grunted as Heero thrust into him quick and hard. It'd been days since they'd done this, and Heero was angry. It was evident in his roughness, and the tension in his shoulders. When Duo squeezed the muscled shoulders to ease them, Heero flinched. He wanted this fuck, but he didn't want to be touched?
Duo had imagined Heero's return very differently. He had imagined a long embrace and breathless kisses, and then of course, a thorough fucking. This fuck was similar to the ones after he had attacked Heero with the knife. Had he hurt Heero by having a bit of fun with Clementine?
Duo closed his eyes and grabbed the bed covers, lying back and taking every inch thrust into him. He concentrated on the pleasure of being filled, on the long, deep slide of Heero's cock. He had missed Heero. He knew that now for a fact. He would take whatever Heero gave him.
~ ~ ~
Several hours later, Heero woke from a deep sleep. It felt good to be back in his apartment and to have unwound with some fast, hard sex. This had been the first real test of the liaison program. After a long mission he was able to relieve his tension in Duo's warm, accepting body.
During his return flight, Heero had envisioned walking into his apartment and finding Duo waiting for him, naked and horny, splayed out on the couch and begging to be fucked. Instead, he found Duo waltzing with the maid. The image of the pair of them in each other's arms made Heero grit his teeth. Why had Duo gone and complicated things by befriending the maid? And why couldn't everyone understand that Duo belonged to him? He would have to re-assert his position once again.
Heero got up from bed, stretching his naked limbs. If Duo had stayed in bed they would be fucking again now, but it seemed he had gotten away. Heero peeked into the living room and spied Duo sitting on the couch watching a movie. He'd take a shower, and then take Duo on the couch. The fantasy of Duo spread eagle on the brown suede, moaning as he was fucked, hurried Heero along. It would be a quick, hot shower.
In less than fifteen minutes, he was toweled off and wearing only faded blue jeans as he strutted into the living room. He came around to the front of the couch, Duo looking up at him with his mouth open. The sight of those lips parted made Heero want to groan. Maybe he would encourage Duo to try sucking him again.
"You're up," Duo said.
Duo was wearing blue jeans and a short-sleeved Hawaiian shirt. He looked relaxed, almost settled in his environment. Maybe these past three days alone - addendum, mostly alone - had been good for him.
"I've got a surprise for you." Duo grinned. "Sit down." He patted the cushion next to him.
Why not? Heero thought. This was the direction he wanted to take things anyway. He sat down, and Duo got up. "Where are you going?"
"Gotta get the popcorn."
"For the surprise," Duo said, and it sounded just like they were old friends.
He took a step forward, and Heero snagged him by the hand. Duo's eyes widened as Heero pulled him onto his lap and covered his mouth in a full kiss. Duo's hands pressed against Heero's chest, but Heero wouldn't release him. At last, he let Duo breathe.
"What are you doing?" Duo asked, taking a quick gasp of air. "I told you, I have a surprise."
Heero's brow furrowed. He wanted to fuck Duo now, but there was something in Duo's intensity of purpose that piqued Heero's curiosity. "All right," he said, letting go.
Duo smiled as he scrambled off Heero's lap, seeming to know he'd better hurry. He rushed from the room to the kitchen, and in minutes, Heero heard the distinct sound of popcorn popping. Another couple of minutes, and Duo was back with a large bowl of hot popcorn and two bottled waters.
"This is your surprise?"
"Only part of it." Duo sat on the couch, placing the bowl between them and pointing the remote control at the TV. Dramatic orchestrated music filled the room and a title flashed across the screen, "North by Northwest."
Heero grinned. "We're watching this?"
"Yep." Duo's smile was huge. "I'm introducing you to Mr. Kaplan."
Heero chuckled. Despite his raging hormones, he liked this idea. Okay, they'd watch the movie and then fuck.
He was quickly caught up in the suspenseful story of Roger Thornhill, a Madison Avenue business executive who is mistaken for George Kaplan, a mysterious government agent. The plot twists, humor and sexual innuendo made the movie fun to watch. But what Heero liked best was when Duo looked his way, checking for his reactions, and encouraging him to eat more popcorn.
By the time the movie ended, the bowl of popcorn was on the floor and Duo was snuggled in Heero's arms. Was this a date? It certainly had all the telltale markers of one - movie, popcorn, low lighting.
When the credits rolled, Duo looked at him. "Did you like it?"
"I like that you think I look like Cary Grant."
Duo laughed. "Oh, you're much better..."
Heero blinked as Duo swallowed the last of that sentence. "What was that?"
Heero turned Duo in his arms, so that they were facing each other. "What can a man do with his clothes off for twenty minutes?" He was quoting Cary Grant from the movie.
Duo's eyes sparkled. "You could always take a cold shower," he said, giving the proper response.
They laughed at the shared quotes, but as their laughter quieted the moment turned awkward and unfamiliar. Heero had never expected such normalcy between them, and he guessed that Duo hadn't either. It was a crazy situation. They had been thrown together under the worst of circumstances, but somehow it was working. Their mutual attraction was winning out over the great disparity in their positions. Could he begin to hope that this would last?
~ ~ ~
When Heero leaned forward, planting a deep kiss on Duo's lips, Duo was relieved. As much as he wanted more than just the physical with Heero, the awkwardness of the moment was too much for him. Kissing he understood. He could respond to a kiss, knowing what was expected of him. But even as the advance was made, Duo was pleased that Heero had enjoyed the film. For a couple of hours it had seemed like they were two ordinary guys on a date. As crazy as it was, maybe he could keep the illusion going. This kiss tasted of popcorn, and the way Heero used his tongue was becoming familiar and desired.
Duo was pushed back onto the couch. The kiss continued as Heero's hands slid under his Hawaiian shirt. That first touch to bare skin always made Duo shiver, but not in repulsion. It made him vulnerable being touched that way.
Heero's lips slid away, across Duo's cheek, giving them both a chance to breathe. And then, he was licking Duo's ear while he unbuttoned the shirt and pushed it opened. "Why did you plan this surprise?"
At first the question didn't register. Duo was so caught up in the sensation of wet tongue and hot breath that Heero's words didn't make sense. But then everything stopped - the hands on his chest and the licking at his ear. Duo blinked as Heero pulled back and looked into his eyes.
"Answer me," Heero said.
Duo's mind raced back to the question. "Oh."
What could he say? He had wanted Heero to see the movie, but planning it that way had been impulsive. That was something you did for your boyfriend not for the guy who was holding you captive as his fuck toy.
"It was time you met Mr. Kaplan," Duo said, cautiously. He hoped the half truth held up under closer scrutiny.
Heero's eyes narrowed on him as he seemed to consider the response. A moment's hesitation and he sat back on the couch, popping open the top button of his jeans. He looked at Duo as he rubbed his bulge. "I want you to suck me."
The sudden change in direction told Duo that he'd done something wrong. Heero distanced himself when he was upset. He'd done it before by withholding kisses and fucking him from behind. The fact that he was always giving orders was nothing new. Duo had been an idiot to set up a date scenario. Maybe that was what had angered Heero. He wanted to be pleasured not made to feel like someone's boyfriend. Heero was after the bottom line, or merely Duo's bottom. He was a dangerous man and didn't have the time or the inclination to play house.
Duo sat up, watching as Heero pulled his cock from inside the faded jeans. He was fully hard, and obviously ready for Duo to get on with it. Duo scooted closer.
"Take your clothes off," Heero said.
Duo gritted his teeth. "Why do you have to talk to me like that?"
Under normal circumstances it would have been a legitimate question, but not here. The line of tension in Heero's brow indicated that it was not welcome.
"I suppose you think I should talk to you like the lovers in that movie?"
Was it possible for Heero to be this perceptive and still remain uncaring? If not for the rough edge in his tone, Duo might have believed there was hope for them. He refused to answer. To say anything would be to reveal too much. He had already given too much of himself away. He couldn't afford to hand over his feelings as well.
He got up from the couch and stripped off his clothes without ceremony and sat back down next to Heero. He focused hard to maintain his composure. He didn't want to look angry or hurt. He didn't want Heero to see any emotion on his face.
Heero grabbed Duo's wrist and pulled his hand to his cock. Duo took a deep breath and curled his hand around the hardened sex. He began to stroke it, but Heero gave him a nudge and the message was understood. A lick to his lips and Duo leaned forward to take Heero in.
"No gagging this time," Heero said.
Duo froze, his lips hovering just above the tip of Heero's cock. Why did he have to say that? As if there wasn't enough pressure to get this right. He'd prove to Heero that he was unbreakable, and that he was worth keeping around for at least one more day.
He re-focused and dove in, taking the hard flesh into his mouth. The scent of warm musk filled his nostrils as his lips formed a perfect "O" around Heero's cock. His teeth grazed lightly over the hard shaft, in it went - an inch at a time - down his throat and then back out to the crown. The movement was repeated again and again with the cock sliding over his tongue and filling his mouth and throat. He was doing it! He was sucking Heero and not gagging!
Heero moaned and then pushed at Duo's shoulders, prompting him to pull off his cock. Duo blinked up at him, his lips tingling.
"I need to fuck you," Heero said.
Duo's face warmed with the lusty declaration. He moved to straddle Heero's lap, but he was grabbed by the hips and turned around, and set down with his back to Heero. He was going to be fucked from behind once again, but this time sitting on Heero's lap. This was his reward for a great blow job?
Heero's strong hands moved him, positioning him over his waiting cock and then easing Duo down. There was a hard press against his opening and then Heero was inside, slowly sinking Duo onto his cock. Heero's hands were splayed over Duo's hips, moving him up and down on his lap, making Duo ride him. Duo didn't want to be fucked this way, didn't want to like the way it felt from this angle. But it was good, and he was hard, and Heero's grip was tight, and Heero was moaning with the pleasure of Duo on him.
Duo leaned back, pressing against Heero's chest, trying for more contact.
"Move on me," Heero said, releasing his hold.
Duo's feet did not fully touch the floor like this, so on his toes he pushed himself up, sliding off Heero's cock and then easing down onto it. He quickly found a rhythm, riding Heero, putting his entire body into the effort. He felt used - by himself and especially by Heero. This was too impersonal; it made him feel angry and frustrated. He drew on those feelings to bring himself and Heero off. When Heero came, Duo squeezed his buttocks around Heero's cock and fisted his own cock tight, bringing himself off in just a few pumps.
Sated, but unhappy, Duo rolled off Heero and onto the couch. He hated himself for getting off like that. Why did he have to like being fucked by Heero? But that wasn't it entirely... the truth was more painful.
When Heero moved to lie next to him on the couch, Duo wriggled away to get up. Heero grabbed him around the middle to stop his leaving.
"Don't," Duo said.
"Come here." Heero pulled him close, nuzzling his hair.
"No!" Duo shouted. He pulled away with such force that it landed him on his ass on the floor.
Heero stared down at him with a look of bewilderment.
"Get a new fuck buddy," Duo said, gritting his teeth and getting to his knees. "I don't want you touching me anymore."
Before the tears came he managed to get to his feet and run into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. His feet kept moving, taking him into the bathroom where he turned on the shower. He stepped under the hot spray of water and tensed as it stung his skin, but at least it hid the tears.
He wanted to stay alive, but he didn't think he could do it that way anymore. It hurt too much to have Heero touch him and not care for him. It hurt to wish for such things... It was all just a stupid waste.