Resolution of the Heart
There, at the playground, a braided boy hugged a messy brown haired boy tightly near the swing. Neither of them moved, each savoring the other's presence. They stayed like that for some minutes. The shorthaired boy didn't show any struggles and the braided one didn't want to let go of him. Their world narrowed down the warmth of their bodies and the beating of their hearts.
Heero was too surprised to move. He only wanted to linger at this place one last time before he left and never came back. His eyes had fallen onto the swing and he couldn't help but sit on it. This would have been the last time he'll ever let himself be a child again.
As he lowered himself onto the swing and rocked it back and forth, he remembered his time with Duo two weeks ago. Duo had caught him from the back when he was flown, hugging him tenderly. But this time instead of a pair of arms, his back met the cold surface of the pool. The impact hurt his body but it was nothing compared to how his heart throbbed in pain, realizing there would be no one to catch and hug him again. He lay there for some minutes, relishing how good those sweet days were. They were like a dream now, a dream that was never meant to come true.....
Heero stood and went to the swing again. He sat and rocked it. He couldn't help but think about his loved one. Duo, how was he now? Was he okay? Had he awakened? Duo was most likely mad at him for tricking him. Now he had to face the consequences; he had hurt Duo.
Heero had predicted that Duo would have been mad with him once he found out what he had done. But he wasn't prepared for the pain he felt once Duo left him. In that dream-like week, Duo had hugged and kissed him whenever he could. He had become used to Duo's touch and caresses. Now six days without a touch really tortured him.
As he let go of the swing, Heero felt his body flying backward. This was really the end. Once his body touch the cold sand pool below, Heero knew his heart would break into very tiny particles that could never been regrouped again. Sayonara, Duo.
But instead of meeting the cold surface, a pair of arms caught him. The same arms that had caught his body almost two weeks ago. Heero gasped and heard a voice speak behind him. It was the same voice as two weeks ago and it murmured the same sentence, except the word 'daddy' was changed to 'me'.
Heero was surprised as he realized it was Duo, who was hugging him. Why was Duo here? He should be resting from his fever. And Duo shouldn't hug him because he hated him, ne? But instead of releasing him, Heero could feel Duo tightened his hug and buried his head on Heero's right shoulder.
So here he was, standing on the sand pool with Duo hugging him. Heero couldn't understand why Duo did this. The only thing he knew for sure was that he missed this, missed being hugged, missed being in Duo's arms. Duo was hugging him like in that dream again, so tender and gentle, full of passion. So if Duo wanted to do this, Heero would not be the one to stop him. He was more afraid to think what Duo would do once he released him later. It would be better if he stayed still and didn't move or speak at all. He still could have Duo....if it was only for a moment.....
And Heero believed his moment was over when he heard Duo spoke up again. "Please....say something...."
Say something? No, Heero was not going to repeat the same mistake like that night again.
During the nights after Duo left him, Heero stayed awake almost all the time, waiting for Duo to come back, hoping he would hear his explanation. But at the sixth day, Heero couldn't stay awake any longer and let sleep engulf him. He was awakened, though, by a soft touch on his cheek.
On that night when Heero opened his eyes slowly, he almost couldn't believe what he saw. Duo was staring at him and caressing his cheek tenderly. As he kept looking at Duo, he felt the heart shaped face getting closer. Duo was kissing him passionately, just like he did to Hitoe. Heero couldn't believe it. Didn't Duo hate him? Wasn't he angry with him?
Could it be? Could it be that Duo loved him too? Heero could feel Duo's tongue seeking entrance and he opened his mouth, letting it inside, welcoming it. Duo didn't hate him, ne? After Duo finished tasting him, Heero raised his hand to touch Duo. He had to make sure that all of this wasn't a mere dream. Duo had come back to him and kissed him. Duo wasn't angry with him anymore.
Heero felt very happy as Duo leaned onto his hand, closing his eyes when he touched the braided pilot's cheek. Duo..... Duo forgave him! Maybe....maybe....could Duo still want him?......It never hurt to try again, ne?
Heero worked his jaw and called Duo, but the result was immediate. Duo's eyes snapped opened and Heero could see the confusion in those violet eyes replaced with anger. And Heero realized that he was wrong.
It hurt. It really hurt to try.
He could feel the pain stabbed his heart as Duo called him slut and then whore. But then again he was a slut, ne?.....Duo's slut.
The pain from his mouth being ravished was nothing compared to the pain in his heart. No. it shouldn't be like this. He had to explain to Duo that he had never been with anyone except him. He was Duo's whore, Duo's slut, but not anyone else's. Duo was the only one. Only Duo. Duo had owned his heart long ago. But the hard slap on his cheek ceased all his struggles. No, the pain on his cheek was nothing. It was his heart. His heart was bleeding. Heero no baka.......Duo would never love him, let alone forgive him for what he had done.
Back to where he was now, Heero felt the arms around him tightened. "I....I won't hit you....." Duo's voice sounded full of regret. Did Duo think he didn't want to talk because he was afraid of being beaten? If so, then Duo has it wrong.
Heero wasn't afraid of being hit for he had predicted and was prepared for it. Yes, it hurt. It hurt so much, like a drill was making its way to his heart when the same hand that caressed his cheek not long ago, slapped the same cheek hard. But it was not the reason Heero didn't speak.
If beating him could make Duo feel better, than Heero would not fight it. That was why he chose to lay still on his bed after the slap, letting Duo do whatever he wanted to do to him. Though he felt his heart was being pierced by thousands of needles, Heero knew he deserved the beating. But Duo didn't do anything so Heero looked through the corner of his eyes and saw Duo eyeing his chest with a hurt expression.
The cross! Duo was hurt because he gave it to Hitoe, not to Heero but instead he found it hanging around Heero's neck. Then Heero felt a dead weight on his chest. Duo had fainted!
As he put Duo on the bed and examined him, Heero noticed Duo had abandoned his health and realized Duo was hurt because his actions. Of course Duo was hurt. Heero had taken away his beloved Hitoe from him. Heero no baka, he had hurt Duo. Why didn't he think about this before? He only thought Duo would be angry and would hate him, he never thought his actions would have hurt Duo.
And that's the reason why Heero didn't want to speak right now. If he spoke, Duo would realize it was Heero he was hugging, not Hitoe and Duo would be hurt again as he realized his Hitoe was gone.
"I'm not angry with you, Heero." Heero tensed as Duo said his name and felt Duo loosening his grips around him. Did Duo realize it was Heero he hugged right now? Not Hitoe?
Heero wasn't blind to how happy Duo was when he was with Hitoe. Duo talked and laughed like he never been that happy before in his life, and Heero savored each and every moments, saving these memories to last forever. Now every time Duo saw Heero, he would always be reminded of his Hitoe, who would never come back. Hitoe was no more.....There was only an emotionless soldier.....male soldier.....never a boy....
No, he didn't want to hurt Duo. Duo deserved to be happy and there was only one thing Heero could do to at least ease Duo's pain. The same thing he had thought and decided while watching Duo toss and turn on his bed the other night. Heero had to leave Duo. If the source of his misery disappeared, Duo would not be sad and hurt anymore, ne?
So with the same determination, Heero reluctantly walked away from the embrace. He wanted to turn back and see Duo's face but he was afraid he would never manage to leave Duo if he looked upon him again.
"Heero, wait!" Heero felt a tug on his jacket. Duo's jacket.
Of course! Duo wanted his jacket back! After all, that jacket was for Hitoe, not him. How foolish of him for thinking he could have the jacket as a reminder. Heero quickly released the jacket and let it fall to the hand that tugged on it.
Heero bowed his head. He shouldn't have taken the jacket. But he felt empty as he released the cross and put it back around Duo's neck. He almost cried when he released the cross, which had been hanging around his neck for one week, but then again Duo gave it to the person he loved most. And Heero was definitely not that person, so he didn't have the right to wear it. But maybe Duo would not mind if his jacket disappeared, ne?
Heero smiled bitterly as he had thought wrong again. The wind blew and Heero felt the cold attack him. He was only wearing his green tank top, beneath the jacket because there was no point in wearing the turtleneck since there was nothing to hide anymore. Assuming Duo was finished with whatever business he had with him, even though he knew Duo's still standing behind him, Heero tried to walk away again, only to have his arm grabbed.
The Japanese pilot was turned to face the braided pilot, as Duo spoke,. "Damn it, Heero. I didn't come here to ask for the jacket..." Heero noticed Duo stopped talking as soon as he was face to face with Duo, but he didn't want to meet Duo's eyes and chose to look away. He couldn't bring himself to look into those violet orbs, knowing there would be hurt and anger in them, caused by him.
Maybe Duo was too angry to continue speaking? Was Duo gonna hit him again? Heero closed his eyes as he sensed Duo raised his free hand and prepared to receive the upcoming blows. He would not fight him; he deserved this. But instead of the blows, Heero was surprised and hissed unconsciously as the hand caressed his bruised cheek.
"I'm sorry." Heero blinked as he heard Duo spoke up in regret. The hand on his cheek slowly caressed it, as if trying to ease the pain away. What was Duo doing? Heero was confused and looked at Duo, only to find the braided pilot looked back in regret. The hand on his cheek moved to finger his swollen lips. "Forgive me?...please?"
Heero blinked again. Why did Duo ask for forgiveness? He didn't do anything wrong. It was him who had done bad things to Duo. He had hurt Duo. Heero opened his mouth to answer but the only sound that came from him was a gasp of pain. In reflex, he brought his free hand to shove Duo's fingers away and cover his own mouth. Heero hadn't realized his tongue and mouth weren't in any condition to speak with.
Since last night after Duo bit his tongue and ravished his mouth, Heero hadn't spoken a single word. He knew his tongue and mouth were bleeding but his attention that night was focused in tending Duo. Now he realized how sore his tongue and mouth were.
A hand came up and removed his hand from his mouth tenderly. Heero looked up and saw Duo look at him in regret while the braided pilot's hand started caressing his lips. "My fault. This is all my fault." The wide violet eyes started to water. "Will you ever forgive me for what I have done?"
Heero stared dumbfoundedly as a tear rolled down on Duo's cheek. This was the first time he saw Duo crying and it hurt him, hurt him like hell, knowing Duo was hurt too. He didn't want Duo to be sad. Duo had to be happy. Unconsciously, Heero brought his hand up to Duo's face and wiped away the tear.
The Japanese pilot was surprised when Duo caught his hand and kissed it like it was a precious thing. "Damn you, Heero." Duo murmured while kissing the hand. For a second, Heero tensed, anticipating a blow from Duo but instead of what he expected, Duo clutched Heero's hand tightly "Even now, you only care for my feelings. You wipe away my tear, wanting to erase my pain and sadness but what about yourself? Your feelings? You're bruised and bleeding because of me!"
Duo withdrew his fingers, which were caressing Heero's mouth. Heero saw the red liquid staining the fingers and stared at them, surprised. His mouth was bleeding and he wasn't even aware of it. " You haven't noticed how injured your mouth and tongue were." Duo smiled bitterly. "Is the pain in your heart so great that any physical pains you have are nothing in comparison to it?"
Heero looked away as Duo's words hit straight at home.
"I'm right, aren't I?" Heero tried to pull his hand from Duo's grip but the braided pilot held it tightly. "And I'm the fucking bastard that cause that pain to you."
Those harsh words made Heero look back at Duo. He didn't want Duo to address himself like that. This was not Duo's fault. Despite the pain, Heero opened his mouth, wanting to tell Duo but a hand came up to cover his mouth. "Don't speak. It'll hurt your mouth and tongue even more. And yes, I'm a bastard. I had hurt you."
No, he was the one who was the bastard. He was the one who had hurt Duo. Heero tried to shove Duo's hand away but Duo grabbed both of Heero's hands and held them to his chest. "I know you don't care about your pain but I care, damn it!" That made Heero stopped his struggle and looked at Duo in disbelief. "Yes, I care if you're hurt, Heero. It hurts me too to see you in pain. It hurts me so much to see the one I love in pain."
Duo's words were too much for Heero. Did he hear what Duo had said correctly? The one he loved, he said? Duo loved him? No, Duo loved Hitoe not him. Maybe Duo wanted him to give his Hitoe back? Wanted him to be Hitoe again? Was that why Duo cared for him?
"No! I'm not talking about Hitoe." Duo growled and pulled Heero closer to him.
Heero was surprised. Was he so transparent?
"I know what you're thinking, Heero. No, you aren't that transparent but I've been with you too long not to recognize the expressions on your face." Heero could hear Duo chuckling bitterly. "And damn me for realizing it just now."
Duo looked up and locked their gaze. "No more Hitoe. You're the one I love, Heero Yuy. The one I want to spend my live with."
Heero widened his eyes as he heard Duo's words. This was a dream, right? A cruel dream that would leave him empty once he woke up. He might have hit his head when he fell from the swing. Duo would never love him. Heero shook his head, wanting to end the dream.
Duo growled and tightened his embrace. "Damn it, you have to believe that I love you! This isn't a dream."
Heero felt his chin being grabbed and met a pair of violet eyes that looked into him pleadingly. "Just hear me out first, please?"
Heero didn't answer and couldn't answer; he was drowned into those expressive eyes.
"I take it you'll listen." Duo smiled slightly. "Just like before. I talk, you listen."
Heero kept silent as Duo locked their gaze. "I don't care if you're a girl or a boy. All I know is the person in my arms right now is the person I love. I don't ask you to be Hitoe or Heero Yuy. I only want you to be yourself, the one I love and who loves me."
The Japanese pilot was stunned. And before he managed to process all the sentences, Duo continued. "You know I never lie. I run, I hide, but I'll never lie." Duo stared passionately at the boy in his arms. " I love who you are, not what you are. I love the person inside this body, the spirit and the personality."
Heero trembled as Duo repeated the words he had said to Hitoe. Duo loved him, really loved him. Despite the fact he was a boy, despite the fact he had hurt him Would ....would he dare to try it again? To come back and stay with Duo? Could...could he make Duo happy? He could end up hurting Duo again.
"Please, come back to me. Stay with me. I don't want to lose you now that I have you in my arms." Heero watched as Duo's face came closer and felt his swollen lips being kissed lightly. "Only you can make me happy, make me feel whole. I'm only a half without you."
Duo would be happy? Really? Duo would be happy to be with him?
"Don't cry." Heero felt a finger brushed away the tears on his cheek. He didn't realize a tear had escaped his eyes. "I know I'm wrong to drive you away, to throw so many harsh words at you and beat you. I've hurt your feelings deeply." A tear rolled down on the American pilot's cheek. "Please, give me one more chance?"
Heero noticed Duo released him and retrieved something from his pocket. He didn't want to break the gaze, as Duo also didn't want to break it. But then he felt Duo put something around his neck and he widened his eyes as he recognized the item as a necklace. Could it be? Did he dare to hope?
Slowly, so slowly, Heero looked down and saw the silver cross hanging on his chest. Duo's cross. As he took the cross into his hand, he felt Duo put the jacket around him and hugged him tightly again. "Maybe it's fate or not. But I just realized today was Valentine Day. The day we spend with our loved one." Heero felt Duo kissed his forehead and uttered the final question. "Happy Valentine, love. Will you stay with me and spend the rest of our lives together? Forever?"
Together. Forever. Heero felt all the pain inside him dissolve, leaving the happiness alone. This was all he asked for. To have someone to love and who loves him back. To feel safe and secured in his arms. To feel warmth and serenity while with him. And only Duo could give it to him. Only Duo wanted to accept him for what and who he was. Heero knew he would never be happy if he leaves Duo. Like Duo had said. Without him, he was only a half. They needed each other to become whole. To become one.
Heero held the cross tightly and looked up to the waiting violet orbs. He worked his jaw, ignoring the pain and the bleeding from his mouth and tongue. Smiling slightly, he gave Duo his answer. The first word he has spoken today.
 Hehehe, I take this sentence from Jana.