Holding On To You
That was how this dormitory was every night. While in the daylight
hours, the school felt alive with student chattering noises, at night
it felt like a tomb, including the dormitory. There were no night
animal noises as they all had been driven away or killed by the
ongoing war. The moon shone through the window, illuminating the
dormitory room with its silvery light. There were two single beds in
the room, separated by the night stand. The bed closer to the door was
tidy and empty. The other bed, closer to the window was occupied
Duo, the bed's occupant, stared at the ceiling. It was long past
midnight but his violet eyes were wide open. He couldn't sleep.
He told himself that it was because it was so silent that he couldn't
sleep. However he knew the real reason he couldn't sleep was because
of the missing boy from the next bed. He tore his eyes from the
ceiling to the empty bed. Heero had gone out earlier, no doubt to do
his mission. Duo stayed because his mission was due tomorrow instead
All Heero did was mission, mission, and mission.
Would the Japanese boy ever do anything else?
Duo sighed, knowing full well the answer to his question.
No, Heero wouldn't. Not while the war was still raging outside.
In the silence of a night like this, he often wondered which one was
luckier? He, who'd had a chance to taste friendship and love, only to
have them snatched cruelly from him or Heero who had never tasted
something resembling a normal childhood and therefore didn't feel any
pain in the absence of it?
Duo sighed, not wanting to judge which one was luckier. After all, the
two of them together with other children were just another causality
of the war.
During one of his more indulging moods, Heero had let slip something
about his past. About how he spent his early childhood with an
assassin named Odin. Duo really couldn't comprehend the assassin. How
could he take a mere child and treat him as a soldier when he was
still a toddler? How could he train Heero to use a gun as soon as he
was strong enough to hold it? How could the man do that to a mere
His train of thought was interrupted as his ears caught the sound of
soft rustling near the window. He sat up and looked alertly at the
window. One hand was holding the knife he kept under his pillow.
Another soft rustle was heard before Heero appeared at the window,
blocking the moonlight.
The Japanese boy slipped into the room silently. He paused slightly
when he noticed Duo but then kept walking towards his bed.
"How was the mission?" Duo asked quietly and removed his hand from the
knife, leaving it under his pillow.
"Fine." The reply came in a flat tone.
Duo watched the Japanese boy sitting stiffly on the bed. He sighed
inwardly when he noticed the tautness Heero emitted. He had gotten so
used to the boy's silent language that he knew that the boy was not
fine. Duo bent down and retrieved the first aid kit he kept beneath
his bed. Without another word, he stood up and went to sit on the
other bed, next to the silent boy.
It only took that one word, voiced in a commanding and no nonsense
tone to get the short haired boy into action. Duo didn't like using
that tone but it was effective to get what he wanted from Heero. The
Japanese pilot had been raised in such a way that he would likely
respond to it more than he would if Duo was to use his easy going and
friendly tone. Duo had found out about it through trial and error when
trying to patch up the boy after their missions. His conclusion was
that he had more of a chance to get something from Heero if he ordered
directly to Heero as soldier to soldier rather than cajoling him as
friend to friend.
He didn't like it, but he didn't have choice. They couldn't afford
such petty argument or trivial conflict at times like this. It was
better to patch up Heero quickly and get whatever sleep they could to
recharge their energy for the next day's battle.
Heero had stripped silently, leaving nothing covering his body. The
short haired boy showed no shyness or discomfort in baring his body
before someone else. Privacy, Duo remarked as he searched the boy's
bare torso for injuries, was one more thing that Heero didn't have in
his life. The life of a soldier was a life where indulging in emotions
was seen as an inefficient thing to do. There was no room for such
wasteful and unnecessary things. If baring his torso would let Duo
work easier, Heero had no qualms about doing it.
Duo found several small cuts on Heero's abdomen and a harsh scrape on
his back. The boy obviously had done some rolling and sliding. Duo
gently cleaned the wounds and applied the healing ointment to them. He
worked silently, savoring the time where it felt like they were the
only people in this world of the night. When he'd finished, Duo didn't
say anything about the wounds.
It would be useless after all.
'Don't get the wounds wet in the first 24 hours' wouldn't work, for
Heero would surely take a bath first thing in the morning just as Duo
would. Having experienced a situation where water was rationed, water
was not something they both took for granted. They would take a bath
whenever they were able to.
'Try not to get hurt next time?' was hardly necessary. While Heero
looked suicidal or reckless, Duo knew better. What Heero was doing was
the fastest and most efficient way to complete the mission without
obtaining fatal injuries. Yes, they were expendable; but it would be
more efficient to have them survive the missions than to have to train
another to take their place. If a few additional training's were all
that was needed to make sure that they could do the mission with as
minimal injury as possible, so be it. A soldier himself, Duo had also
gotten those same survival skills training.
So in the end, all he said was 'Get some rest'.
Heero answered with a grunt.
Duo smiled and patted Heero's shoulder. A complimentary gesture from
one soldier to another for a job well done. He stood up intending to
return to his bed and felt his arm grabbed, stopping his departure.
Duo looked down and saw Heero staring up at him.
"You have a mission tomorrow," Heero stated impassively.
Duo snorted. Trust Heero to state the obvious. "Yeah, another OZ
hidden base is located not far from here. I figure I will wipe it out
before it produces anymore mobile suits."
Heero kept his eyes on the long haired boy as he tugged the arm in his
hold. "Lie with me."
Duo stared at the Japanese pilot. 'Lie with me'. Not an order but also
not a plea. It wasn't the first time Heero had said that sentence.
Duo's response was to utter the same words he said every time Heero
asked him that.
"You know I want more than that."
Just like the previous times, this time Heero nodded without
hesitation. He then tugged Duo's arm harder. Duo didn't resist the
pull. He sat down next to the naked boy and put the first aid kit on
the floor. Without another word, Duo put his free hand on Heero's
chest and gave a light push. The Japanese pilot released Duo's arm and
lay down on the bed, following the push.
With both his hands free, Duo quickly removed his nightshirt and
boxers and placed himself over the Japanese pilot. Duo sighed at the
touch of bare skin against bare skin. Heero was still beneath him,
hands lying impassively at his sides. His face still showed nothing
but the same indifference.
Duo embraced Heero's face with both hands and gave the Japanese boy a
long and thorough kiss. His tongue explored Heero's mouth and coaxed
the Japanese boy's tongue to join the exploration. With a soft groan,
Heero responded. Duo could feel the body beneath him relax and the
arms which had had passively lay on the bed before were now planted on
his back, clutching him tightly.
"Spread your legs," Duo whispered when they broke for the air. The
said limbs parted under him, allowing him to settle between them. Duo
mashed their mouths together again and swallowed Heero's groan as he
ground their groins together.
Their teenage bodies quickly responded to the stimulus and became hard
at a rapid pace. Duo released Heero's face and used his hands to
explore the Japanese boy's body. He stroked the twin nubs on the chest
until they hardened, then trailed to his sides, caressing the well
proportioned flesh. He was careful not to aggravate Heero's injuries
One of Heero's hands on Duo's back grabbed the ever present braid and
tugged on it. Heero's parted legs rose to encircle the long haired
boy's waist. It was the Japanese boy's signal to Duo to get on with
it. Duo sucked and licked the moist cavern of Heero's mouth one more
time before he withdrew from it reluctantly. He then used his knees to
raise his lower body. His left hand grabbed Heero's hand, removed it
from his back, and pushed it down on the mattress, next to where
Heero's head lay. Their fingers spread and then entwined.
Duo's right hand moved lower to position himself before Heero's
opening. When his tip came in contact with Heero's entrance, Duo
pushed in without hesitation. Heero was relaxed enough that he had no
trouble entering him. As he slid into the Japanese boy, Duo withdrew
his right hand and reached for Heero's other hand which was clutching
his braid. He grabbed the said hand and pushed it down near Heero's
head, on the opposite side to Heero's left hand. Their fingers aligned
themselves to hold onto each others tightly, almost desperately, as
Duo united their bodies.
During the joining, Duo kept his eyes on Heero's face. Usually,
nothing Duo did could change that impassive face, not the long
incessant chatter nor the aggressive touches. However, this time was
an exception. Duo watched as Heero closed his eyes and arched his
back, welcoming the penetration. He watched as the usually firmly
closed mouth opened in a silent moan as he started rocking within
Heero's tight body. Heero's hands were clutching his fiercely as the
Japanese boy tightened his legs around Duo's body, trying to take Duo
deeper into him.
Duo knew there were many different positions they could use for this
kind of activity. However, every time they did it, it was always face
to face. Duo liked watching Heero while they were doing it and the
only position where Duo could see Heero's face clearly, was face to
face. He enjoyed the sight as the usually stern boy became responsive.
He watched how Heero's throat became vulnerable as the silent boy
threw his head back when Duo hit a certain spot inside him.
People would call what they were doing now as having sex or making
love. Duo never referred to it as either of them. Having sex meant to
share carnal pleasure. There was more than pleasure involved in what
they were doing. There was trust, understanding, desperation, and
emotions that they kept securely to themselves. No, they weren't
merely having sex.
They weren't making love though either. To make love is to have more
than bodily pleasure with the one you love. How could he love Heero,
or how could Heero love him when they were forced to act as soldiers
first and themselves, last? How could they love each other without
ever being able to be themselves in the first place? Duo knew he cared
for the Japanese boy though. He didn't know exactly how Heero felt for
him but from the Japanese boy's actions, Duo knew the boy at least
cared for him as well.
And for now, in this time of war, it was more than enough.
"Open your eyes, Heero," Duo whispered. He watched as Heero's blue
orbs revealed themselves to him. The Prussian color had darkened with
the various emotions contained within them. Duo held onto them as long
as he could before his body reached the point of no return.
"Duo." Heero gasped out the one and only word he ever uttered every
time they did this activity. Duo gave one final shove and buried
himself to the hilt inside his Japanese companion. Heero tightened
around him and came, dragging him along. Duo threw his head back and
let go of all his restraint, filling the Japanese boy with his seed.
His mind followed Heero's into that blissful place where they could
forget, for a few seconds, what was happening in the outside world.
Their return to reality though, was never happily welcomed and
sometimes painful. The thoughts of what he would have to do tomorrow
returned to Duo as well. He kept his eyes closed, wanting to prolong
the feeling he was enjoying at the moment. Their soft pants were the
only sounds in the still of the night. Duo blindly placed kisses on
whatever part of Heero he could reach. He placed the kisses slowly and
gently, wishing they could stay just like this forever.
Just as Duo had gotten to know Heero, Heero had also gotten to know
him. Heero knew he didn't like wiping out an entire base along with
the humans inside it, no matter if they were guilty or not. None of
them liked it actually. However they were soldiers first, individuals
last. They had to be soldiers if they wanted to survive the war. The
soldier in them knew that they would be destroyed if they didn't
destroy the enemy first.
In knowing what Duo felt, Heero offered the only thing he could give.
The only thing they both could indulge in. Comfort, trust, pleasure,
and understanding were given in that one act. Heero comforted him with
his body. Heero trusted him by exposing his vulnerable body parts. It
wasn't to say that Duo selfishly used Heero for his own needs. They
shared that comfort, trust, pleasure, and understanding. Having been a
soldier for his entire life had left Heero paranoid of touching and
being touched. Still, Heero was a human who needed contact from other
humans. The only one who he trusted enough to touch him was Duo and
that trust allowed Duo to embrace him, to kiss him, and mostly to give
comfort to him. Heero needed the comfort as much as Duo did,
especially when he'd just wiped out an enemy base in a cold blooded,
They empathized with each other.
The reality finally returned completely, driving away most of the
feelings their activity had brought. Duo withdrew and rolled over to
Heero's side. The Japanese boy reached out for the tissue box on the
night stand and cleaned them both up. Duo waited until Heero had
finished cleaning them then spooned around the Japanese boy, Heero's
back against his chest, one hand around Heero's waist and one leg over
Heero's legs. The single bed barely accommodated both of them but no
one uttered a complaint. They had had worse places to sleep in. Having
a bed to lie their bodies down on was another thing they didn't take
Some people would point out that there were other activities that they
could indulge in to share comfort and other emotions; activities
which were more suited to teenagers like them, such as playing sport
or going out. Duo could point out several reasons why they couldn't do
those activities; reasons such as they didn't have time to play sports
or they couldn't use their limited money on useless entertainment.
However, the main reason was that they couldn't afford to act like
teenagers. Hell, Duo even wondered if Heero would know how to act like
one. He himself felt as if he'd gone from childhood straight to
adulthood, skipping the teenager period. But maybe, maybe someday,
when this war was over, they could indulge themselves in those
Duo sighed, not wanting to sleep because it would make the next day
come faster. However he knew better than to stay awake. He needed to
sleep if he wanted to be in a fit condition for the battle tomorrow.
He placed a goodnight kiss on the back of Heero's neck and closed his
eyes. He wanted one more assurance before he embarked into his
nightmare and the world tomorrow.
"Lie to me, Heero."
Several seconds passed in silence. Duo waited patiently, knowing Heero
would answer eventually. Heero always did whenever he said that
sentence. He didn't ask Heero for a promise because he knew how easily
a promise could be broken. He didn't want Heero to say something
hopeful because it might never have a chance to be fulfilled. Heck, he
could die tomorrow in his mission. No, he would ask Heero to say
something he couldn't do. Something he had sworn not to do.
Heero's answer was different each time Duo asked him, but each answer
always reassured him. Duo felt Heero cover his hand that rested on
Heero's waist with his own before the quiet boy's voice reached him.
"I will never fall in love with you."
Duo smiled and buried his face in Heero's hair. He entwined his
fingers with Heero's. For now this was the only indulgence they could
have. But someday, Duo vowed as he felt himself slipping into sleep,
someday they would watch a movie and order a giant box of popcorn.
Someday they would play basketball until they were out of energy. And
on a Saturday night, they would order stacks of pizza and watch porn,
eating until their stomachs ached. They would go on date just like
other teenagers did and make out in the car's back seat.
They would fall in love.