Confusion of the Heart
Duo walked away aimlessly from the safe house. His friends had left
him to think and contemplate his feelings for a certain Japanese pilot
and he quickly decided to get some fresh air to calm his mind.
The American pilot realized that he considered Heero more than a
friend. But still he wasn't sure whether he could think of Heero as
his lover. And moreover Heero never told or did anything to indicate
he has feelings for him.
He had wondered why Heero had kept his disguise when he knew Duo would
be angry with him. But then, Duo found the answer to that once he
asked Wufei the meaning of the Japanese words in Heero's letter. And
now the said words kept echoing inside him as he walked, feeling the
cold wind against his face.
Aishiteru, Duo.............I love you, Duo..............
Heero loved him. Despite the fact that they are from the same gender.
Despite all the harsh words thrown to his face. Despite how he had hit
and beaten the Japanese boy. Heero loved him nevertheless.
Motto soba ni itai............. want to be with you a little
That was why Heero continued wearing the disguise. As Hitoe, he could
be with Duo, could touch and kiss him without fear of being rejected.
Duo never thought love could be so strong. It was love that made Heero
willing to wear girl clothes so he could meet Duo. It was love that
made Heero take care of his fever though he was hurt himself. And it
was love that made Heero leave him, not wanting to hurt him.
As he walked, Duo felt his eyes sting and the road before him became
blurry. He recalled the week he had been with Hitoe. Hitoe never
demanded or asked anything from him. The girl had been happy just to
have Duo with her and whatever Duo wanted, she would give him. Duo
wanted her caress, she gave it. Duo wanted her kiss, she gave it. Duo
wanted her love, she gave it. She gave it without asking for anything
Duo knew he loved Hitoe. But...still .......did he love Heero?
A cry snapped Duo from his thought. He looked around and saw a little
girl crying. His feet had unconsciously brought him to the park where
he and Hitoe played a week ago. Duo looked at the girl and felt déjà
vu as he watched someone squatted in front of her. The person was
wearing a black jacket, which Duo recognized as his. The person's back
was facing him so Duo couldn't see the face.
Duo stared at the squatting person, who was patting the girl's head
now. The girl stopped crying and smiled a bit at the person. Then a
woman shouted and ran towards their direction. The girl's face
brightened and ran to meet the woman, who was her mother. Duo saw the
woman smiled her thank you to the person and the girl waved her little
hand as her mother took her home. The person waved back slightly and
then stood up. The snow had fallen down again, leaving the person and
Duo alone in the middle of the playground.
Actually, without looking at the face, Duo had known who the person
was. The gestures and the way the person moved were too familiar for
him not recognize. But still Duo held his breath as the person turned
his head to the side, revealing one side of his face. The nose, the
lips, the eyes....the deep blue eyes.......they belonged to
//"You're Hitoe, an independent, kind, smart, gentle, brilliant, and
tender girl, who had captured my heart."//
As Duo heard his own voice inside his mind, he watched the Japanese
pilot gaze towards the swing. The eyes seemed so far away as if the
owner was not inside the body. Slowly, the Japanese pilot approached
the swing; eyes never left it.
Duo didn't know why, but he could feel the loneliness and despair
encompassing the Asian boy as he lowered himself on the swing and
rocked it slightly. Heero looked like a lost child with his shoulders
slumped down and head bowed like that. Like a child who never expected
to be picked up by his parents. A child who knew he was left there,
abandoned and alone.
//"I won't leave you, Hitoe. Never."//
His own words stabbed Duo in the heart. He wanted to go there, to
comfort Heero, but still he found that he couldn't move a muscle.
Something was stopping him and Duo didn't know what it was. He only
could watch as Heero rocked the swing faster and faster. It went
higher and higher and then Duo saw Heero let go of the swing. The
Japanese boy was thrown away backward by the momentum of the swing.
If this scene had been the scene on the second day Duo met Hitoe,
there would be a pair of arms that would catch the flying body and
hugged it tightly and protectively. But then, this was not that day so
there weren't any arms that would catch the flying body. A thud was
heard as Duo watched Heero landed on the snow covered sand pool, back
For a moment, time seemed to stop still. Heero didn't move and neither
did Duo. Inside, Duo screamed, ordering his body to move and look to
see whether the Japanese boy was hurt or not. But something seemed to
nail him to the ground still.
The braided pilot didn't know how long he had stared or how long Heero
had lain there. Finally, Heero moved and sat up. Duo watched as the
Japanese pilot once again walked to the swing and sat down, rocking it
slightly as if repeating the previous action.
No, Duo didn't want to see it again. Heero was hurting himself, trying
to convince himself that everything that had happened in that week
would never happen again. It was merely a dream.
//"I love for who you are, not what you are."//
The swing rocked faster.....
//"I love the person inside this beautiful body."//
//"Hitoe. I love your spirit and your personality, not your physical
The last sentence snapped at Duo. Yes, he loved the person inside. The
spirit and the personality, not the body. So what if his Hitoe was a
boy? It was still Hitoe nevertheless. The spirit and the personality
were still there, inside a Japanese boy named Heero Yuy. The clothes
and hair were fake, but Hitoe is very real, closer to the truth than
the Perfect Soldier. Did he love Hitoe like he had claimed, or her
face like Heero had said? Hitoe and Heero were one in the same. She
was who he couldn't be, but was. He was what she didn't want to be,
but had to. They were the same person
The swing went higher......
No, Duo would not let misery and regret rule the rest of his live. He
was going to get his happiness now. The happiness that he would share
with Heero, the person he loved. The person he wanted to spend his
As Heero let go of the swing once more, Duo leapt forward. His fear,
his ego, and his pride, which had stopped him earlier, had been flown
away. Damn those stupid feelings, he would not let them prevent him
from getting his true love.
The Japanese boy was flown backward from the swing and Duo, who had
arrived behind him, spread his arms, receiving the flying boy squarely
in the chest. Never, he would never let go again.
Duo could hear a soft gasp from the boy in front of him as he hugged
him tightly from the back and rested his chin on the Japanese pilot's
right shoulder. "Welcome back......." Duo murmured, nuzzling the
slender neck and feeling the familiar sensation of being so closed
with his love. "....to me."