When I let myself stop thinking of the pain, I can
I hear the sounds of waves breaking onto the beach.
It reminds me of what might have been, what was. The
low resonance of your voice, the soft lilt of your
laugh echo in my innermost heart like crystal chimes.
I miss you so.
I smell the salt and humidity, the thick and pungent
odor of the wide, blue ocean. It is a nostalgic
smell, filled with memories that I donít want to
remember. I can feel my heart break all over again.
I feel the breeze whispering through my hair, blowing
the strands out of its braid and into the heavy air.
It feels like your fingers are brushing through it,
soft and gentle but solid in strength and confidence.
I want you still.
I see the dark blue of the ocean twinkling with a
myriad of lights, reflecting the sun and the sky off
its moving surface. It is like your eyes, so blue and
infinite, sparkling with things that I cannot fathom.
My soul cannot let go of you.
I speak the words that I have spoken thousands of
times before into the waiting ocean, letting the words
blend and synchronize with the sounds of the waves.
The ocean and I seem to be saying the same thing over
and over again. I love you even now.
When was it that I started to love you so much? When
did I decide to leave you rather than watch you love
another? When did I become this person who sits by
the beach and tortures himself with memories of things
that cannot be?
We were never more than friends, just two people in
need of each other during nerve wracking times that
others called a war. You never held me or kissed me,
nor did you profess your love or devotion. It was
always a few words of greeting and pondering that
passed between us, nothing more than talks of weapons,
tactics and survival. We never spoke of the future or
our feelings, we never had a heart to heart. We did
nothing that people do before they fall in love. But
somehow, I did fall for you.
I did not fall in love with you the first time I met
you, of course. After all, I shot you twice as you
tried to commit murder. But eventually, my heart led
itself to you using little, silent steps so that I did
not notice where it had gone until you had it in your
hands. You never knew how I felt about you and you
Can you imagine the pain of one-sided love, Heero?
Can you even see a small fraction of what it is like
to be utterly hopeless about being loved by the only
person you love? No, of course not. You have
requited love. You have it all. You have her.
I am bitter. I donít want to be, but I am. I want to
be as forgiving and gentle as the ocean before me, but
all I can feel is a storm of pain and tears within my
heart. What can I do to stop these ugly feelings when
I think of you? How can I make myself stop hating you
for not loving me?
Quatre would say that if I truly loved you, then I
would want nothing but happiness for you even if it
was without me. That is true love, heíd say, to be
able to think of someone elseís happiness before my
own. He would tell me that I should let go of you, be
happy for you. But it is not he who is suffering. I
Running away has always been my forte and so here I
am, sitting on the sandy beach, staring at the waves
as they keep crashing themselves against the shifting
sands. I ran from what hurts me the most, what makes
my heart joyous, and what gives me a sense of peace.
Yet still, you are with me. Itís not fair in the end,
is it, Heero? That I sit lonely on this beach, my
heart crashing into my emotions, thinking only of you?
That everything I see, hear and feel only serve to
remind me of you? That I see an eternity of fruitless
love and hatred stretched out before my eyes?
I wonder what you did to make me love you. I wonder
what I did or didnít do to make you not love me. It
is in this vicious circle that my thoughts turn,
constantly shifting between loving you and hating you.
Why is it that I canít let you go? Why must I make
myself suffer over and over again?
Why canít you love me?
The ocean keeps moving in its eternal search for
peace, trying to find a friendly shore that wonít
reject it. I understand how it feels. I keep
crashing into you to find the peace I want, but you
wonít give it to me. Even after all this time, I
canít seem to do anything but dwell on you.
The wind picks up and my hair, freed from its bonds at
last, flies about me in a flurry. My eyes water as I
continue to stare at the ocean, watching the light
play upon the blue depths. I slump onto the yielding
sand, letting the tiny grains embed themselves onto my
skin. I canít stop the mocking laugh that emerges
from my throat.
You are all I want. You are all I love. You are all
I hate. You..
You are the only one who can save me.
Loneliness, sadness, bitterness, despair. I hold them
in my heart as I hold you, tightly and desperately.
Entwined within me are all those feelings and at their
center, you lie still and quiet, unwilling to ease me
away from my pain.
Why am I not worthy of you? Why are you so dear to
me? Why do I love you?
Once, I would have laughed if someone had told me that
I would sit lonely on a lonely beach pining after a
love. It sounds utterly ridiculous that I, Duo
Maxwell, would ever love someone like that. How could
I have known then that I would end up loving you of
all people? How could I have guessed that I would
feel this intense need, the strongest of all desires,
to feel your heart pound next to mine? How could I
have even had the faintest clue that I would cry
bitter tears edged in pain whenever I thought of you?
I only have questions and no answers. The ocean
soothes me, but it does not answer me. This is a
painful existence that I lead, always thinking of you
and never letting you go.
I can still see your rare smile, the one that is not
suicidal, maniacal, homicidal or sardonic. The
genuine one filled with life and love. A very rare
smile indeed.. that I have never seen directed at me.
I saw it only twice, once as you stared off into
space and the other as you looked at the ocean. Your
true smile, the one that comes straight from the
purity of your soul.. How I long to see it again.
The ocean does not do much to drown out your voice in
my head, always calling my name, saying something
trivial, something important. I can remember your
voice in all its nuances, gentle to harsh, hateful to
friendly, cold to something unquestionably warm. I
had no idea that a human voice could hold so much
until I heard yours over and over in my head. Iím
fairly certain that some of those voices never existed
in reality, for when would you have ever spoken to me
in loving caresses? When would you have gentled your
voice enough so that I could feel it washing over me
in subtle breezes? Never.. but still, my head hears
them and I can only wish that it was real. That it
had really happened.
I am a fool.
When the sun sets over the ocean, the blue sparkles in
intense reds and oranges, like it has been set on
fire. Kind of like the reflection of destruction and
flames in your eyes during the wars. You probably
didnít ever notice, but I watched you every time you
were near. I memorized you inside and out. The first
time I saw you, all I saw in your eyes were icy
resolve, hard silvery moon glinting off the glassy
blues. The last time I saw you, your eyes were
softer, the blues deeper and wiser, the dying fires of
war reflected in them like forgotten stories of yore.
Ah, Heero.. Why do I have to suffer like this? Why..
canít you let me go? You have my heart in your hands.
All you have to do is drop it.
Give it back to me.
The sun sets and I see the twilight set in from the
horizon. The sky has gone to a violet blue and the
ocean doesnít seem so like you anymore.
At night, the ocean reminds me of me.. how I wander
the darkness searching for you, not able to find you
as I want you. Is it so selfish of me that I want you
all for myself? That I wish you donít find happiness
in the arms of another? That I want to make you
suffer as much as I do?
Does that make me a horrible person?
Iím sure it does.. after all, who wishes for bad
things for the one they love the most? I do and it
sometimes makes me sick to my stomach. Everyone
thinks I left because I didnít want to get in the way
of your happiness. They think me unselfish, giving
and ultimately the best friend you could have ever
had. In that respect, I am like the ocean at night.
I seem like one thing, but you canít really see my
true colors.. see the churning depth nor hear the
hollow, outraged screams from beneath.
I left you for my sake, not yours. You would have
wanted me close to help you in your every day things,
to be your friend, to support and love you as any best
friend would. You would have wanted to talk to me,
joke with me, vent frustrations over a beer with me.
But I left so that I could save myself. So that I
didnít have to watch you live with another while I sat
on the outskirts of tangible happiness. I fled. I
ran. I hid.
And I never told you of my love.
Why? Was it rejection I feared? Was it that? No.
More than rejection, more than having you tell me that
you didnít love me, I feared that you would love me.
As a friend. That you would tell me that you loved me
like a brother and that I would forever be your best
friend. That is my greatest fear. Rejection, I can
take. That soft killing of my heart with platonic
love and understanding.. I couldnít take that. No.
It would have driven me insane.
So here I am, remembering you, loving you, hating you,
wishing the worst and the best for you.
Be happy, Heero. Be miserably happy without me.
I keep staring out into the horizon, knowing that I
wonít sleep until the sun has come up again. The way
the sun comes up is quite beautiful, too. It comes up
from behind me so that I donít stare into a burning
ball of orange. Instead, it illuminates everything
slowly and gently.
I wonder if thatís what love is like when it is at its
most pure form. Warm, gentle, lovely.
I wouldnít know. I only know one kind of love. The
one I have for Heero.. It is a dark thing, twisted
around my hate and despair like rusty chains, biting
into the empty spot where my heart used to live. A
hard and cold thing now.. but still so alive and in
control of me.
Did you know, Heero, that I used to dream about us
having a life together after the wars? That weíd
shack up in some small house somewhere, get mundane
jobs and fall asleep every night in each others arms?
I dreamt that we would go grocery shopping and argue
about the flavor of yogurt weíd buy. I dreamt that
you and I would do laundry together and get all silly
over dryer sheets. I dreamt that we did the dishes
together and I would fling soap bubbles at you while
you glared at me. I dreamt that we would learn how to
cook and burn down our kitchen. I was so full of love
and dreams then, like the teenager that I was.
Then I had to see you.. with her. And it all
changed. Ashes to ashes.. That stupid second war,
where you had to go speeding off to rescue her while
leaving me in a trail of Ďfollow me or donítí dust..
You started killing my dreams then, by going after the
girl. Did you know that I dreamt like that? Did you
even consider for one minute that the girl who needed
you didnít need you half as much as I did?
What did you think as you lay in her arms as the world
around you changed? What were you feeling in your
unconscious state as she stroked her hands down your
hair, whispering softly into your sleeping ears? Were
you happy? Because I was heartbroken. Completely and
utterly. You decimated me in one swift blow there,
allowing my eyes to see what you wanted. What you
craved. What you loved the most.
Do you ever think of me, Heero? Because I think of
you all the time. I wonder if you ever sit by the
ocean and just think of me. I hope that you do and
that you hurt like I do, go crazy over missing me, cry
out in sorrow at my absence.
But above all, I donít want you to forget me..
because then, I would really have died for you. And
Iíll be damned if I let you kill me over and over
again. You crushed my dreams without realizing,
shattered my heart without noticing, destroyed my
peace of mind without thinking. But you canít destroy
the fact that I existed in your life. Please, as
happy as you may be, as crazy in love as you could be,
remember me and feel a fraction of my pain.
So that I can ask you, across the oceans, does it
hurt? Does it make you cry? Does it frustrate you?
Are you lonely?
And most of all, are you sorry?
Of course, I realize that Iím asking a question as
selfish as I can possibly ask.. but I canít help it.
Do you want to know why? Because, long ago, I made
two promises to myself.
I promised myself that I would not ever fall into
unrequited love or the kind of love that was painful,
passionate and everlasting. I promised that I would
never do either of those things. But look at me, I
have done both. I love you without you loving me and
I love you like no one should have any business of
I have broken my promises and damned myself to
eternity of hell.
God, HeeroÖ why have I done this? Why canít I stop
loving you? Why must I go on, loving you in this
fashion, loving you like I canít love anyone else?
How much more must I suffer before I can let you go?
Please.. I just want it stop. I want to make it
stop. I want to be.. free. From love. From you.
From everything that makes me feel.
I want to let go.
Find the things I canít see.
But all I can do is stare at this godforsaken beach as
the sun sets and rises, begging for release. When can
I stop this incessant life of turmoil? When can I
stand straight by myself and insist to God and
everything that I am who I am supposed to be? That I
am strong enough to live without you?
Maybe never. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.. if I close my
eyes and pretend.
The sun will rise soon. I can feel the warmth
creeping up behind me even as the wind becomes a
fraction stronger. My hair flies with abandon,
floating on the breeze of the ocean, freer than its
own master. How long can I sit here and think of you?
Until my hair falls out from their roots after they
tire of their pining and pathetic owner? Or until the
oceans dry up into vapors?
I can see the first hints of pink in the sky, lighting
the ocean before me. Soon, the ocean will once again
remind me of you. And I wonít have the heart to leave
it because it is all I have to remind me of you. I
will want to leave it, of course, because it hurts..
but I am an idiot. I cannot even escape my own pain.
So I sit, I stare, I despair. Yet another day in my
life is beginning, same as always, with pain. How
strangely romantic, how morbidly twisted. All I can
do is stare out at the brightening ocean and wonder if
this is all there is to me. If all I am is just a
ball of painful emotions, if everything that I am is
entwined only within you.
At first, I think I imagine it, the soft sounds of
footsteps. At first, I think I have finally lost it
when I hear your voice calling out to me. At first, I
think I may have died and gone on to heaven when I
feel your hand on my shoulder.
"I found you."
So you tell me when I finally come around to believing
that you are actually here with me, standing by me,
touching me, speaking to me. So you say quietly, your
voice a mere whisper in the breeze of the ocean, as I
try to assimilate the fact that I am not dreaming.
"I looked for you for so long."
That is what you say, the real you, not the one I
cursed and loved in my dreams. It is actually you,
Heero Yuy in the flesh, who says the words I have
longed to hear. Why now, why here? Why at all?
"Why did you leave?"
I cannot help the hitching laugh. Of course, you
would not know why. I never told you that. I donít
want to tell you. But you ruin even my desire to keep
my heart a secret from you with deceptively simple
"Do you love me?"
Ah, only if you knew the depth, the terrible depth of
it, Heero. Only if you knew just what kind of love I
have for you, how ugly and frightening it has become
under the weight of my endless self torture. Instead
of answering him, I can only tell him the truth.
"You are my life, Heero."
I can feel your hand squeeze a bit tighter on my
shoulder, as if my words affected you deeply. Have
they, or are you just in shock at my candidness?
Donít you know, my love, that I donít lie?
"And I hate my life, Heero."
So yes, the truth comes out in its own fashion. Your
fingers are digging in so hard now, cutting off
circulation, almost certain to leave bruises behind.
"You are my heart, Heero."
You breathe in slowly and I can feel your tension
increasing. Am I confusing you? Am I hurting you?
Am I making you understand?
"Iím glad, Duo."
Am I surprised at his admission? I donít know,
honestly. I donít know what is what anymore.
"It is hard to cut out your heart when itís still
There is silence and the pressure on my shoulder
lessens somewhat. Have I said something right? Have
I done something wrong? Does it matter really?
"Iím glad, Duo."
Those same words. You canít tell me that you are glad
that I canít evict you from my mind, from my soul.
You canít be glad that I suffer like this, all because
I canít let you go.
"If I told you that I love you, Duo, would it make
I shake my head. After all this time, I canít see a
way out of my dark, despairing love. I canít find my
way to the beautiful, sunny place where love is joyous
and enchanting anymore. Iíve been here too long,
staring at the ocean for too long.
"Is this all we can do?"
Yes. No. Maybe. I.. I donít know.
"If this is all we can do, then I will do it for
eternity. I will stand with you by the ocean until
your heart stops beating. I will never leave you."
You tell me so quietly, your voice filled with an
"I will share your pain, because I know it. I know
the feelings of despairing, of wanting, of loving so
much that it utterly destroys you. I know you, Duo
Maxwell. I know your heart, because I am your heart.
As you are mine."
So thatís it then. We share love, the same kind of
love. The kind that weeps bloody tears, that moans
My wishes have come true, my questions have been
answered. You suffered, you hurt, you cried. Like I
have. We stared at the ocean, drowning in our
terrible love, unable to let go, unwilling to move on.
"I love you."
I finally admit it to you, out loud. It is an
unassuming declaration, completely lacking the
immensity that is within me. But.. it is the best I
We stare at the ocean as the sun fully rises. It
still reminds me of you, Heero, the way it dances with
the light. It still make me feel the pain, the
despair, the cruel barbs of unrequited love.
But I know, at least, you share it with me. I donít
have to pretend anymore. I donít have to ask the
ocean questions about you anymore. Because we are in
love together, in despair together.