As The Road Wandered Through The Silence
--a dead end--
A kiss, a touch, a feel. The beginnings of an unraveling, the first steps into a territory only charted by the most passionate, the most dedicated. A path discovered too early, traveled too quickly, forgotten too late. Yet those were the happiest memories of Heero Yuy.
He could still recall the resonating moan, the desperate panting and the keening pleas that his lover made when he was close to release. He could smell the tang of sweat, taste it in the air still, whenever he thought of Duo Maxwell. His tongue remembered every contours of the soft yet hard, lean body, his fingers itched with a burning memory of the translucent skin. Every sense he had was steeped in his former lover, soaked in the memory of his body and soul. It made his continued present ever more painful and gray. It was the only thing that made him happy.
It had been years since he had seen Duo last. Years since Duo had given him a smile, told him that he’d be back soon, and then disappeared off the face of the universe. Years had passed since Heero had lost his lover, yet still, the memories remained, as fresh as the day they were created, as sharp as if it had just happened.
And as he had for years, Heero called for his lost lover with everything in his heart and soul, praying for an answer that would not come.
‘Where are you? How are you?’
‘Are you alive?’
--a fork in the path--
A laughing face framed with hair that had a mind of its own. It was the dearest one to Heero’s heart. Heero had been accused by many of being an emotionless tool of war, but he knew differently. More than that, Duo knew differently. Duo had always said to everyone that Heero’s emotions were not for display, but for excavation. It was that much more precious because it was not given freely, but because one had to earn it.
Heero could only smile at Duo as he joked around with their friends, the former gundam pilots. He could see the others light up at his presence, subconsciously giving into the joy that Duo seemed to have around him. Heero felt the pleasant heat invade him as he continued to watch his lover prance about. When the heat became nearly unbearable, he walked over to his lover, grabbed him by his shoulders and gave him a kiss that could have set the world on fire. They hardly noticed that the others cleared out of the kitchen quickly.
The throaty moan Duo released into Heero’s mouth sent his desire spiraling, his tongue plunging deeper and sweeping wider within Duo’s mouth. Duo sucked on his invading tongue with his eager mouth, scraping lightly with his teeth, urging it deeper, driving it into a frenzy. The arms that had banded about Duo’s waist began to wander up and down his back, the callused palms and fingers grasping at the cloth of his shirt roughly. As a reply, Duo buried his hands into Heero’s hair, racing his fingers through the thick mass with desperation.
Gasping for breath, the two broke apart. Staring at each other with burning eyes, they undressed quickly, their fingers running over the buttons and zippers with much practiced ease. Their shed clothing were thrown carelessly on top of the kitchen counter, next to the remnants of their lunch. Neither paid much attention to any of that, too intent on each other to care about such trivial things.
The naked bodies met with a stunning force, the sound of flesh hitting flesh reverberating through the thick air. Heero’s lips traveled down Duo’s neck, his teeth nibbling with a gentle force, leaving light marks. He traveled lower, seeking out the tender flesh of his collar bone, his tongue and teeth teasing the his nipples, dancing around the navel. And with each new location, Duo gasped, thrashed and moaned, his fingers tightening in Heero’s hair, almost to the point of pain. When Heero finally closed his mouth over his waiting arousal, Duo nearly ripped Heero’s hair out and his voice rose to a scream.
Heero ran his tongue up and down Duo’s erection, his hands clasped tightly around Duo’s bucking hips. He could feel the coldness of the tile beneath his knees, but the burning flesh negated any feeling of cold anywhere in his body. All Heero could feel was Duo in his mouth, in his hands. He tasted the salt of Duo’s body, the sweetness of his passion writhing on his tongue, the intoxicating musk of desire flooding his nose. It was all he could do to keep control over his excited body as he escalated Duo’s passions with his mouth and hands.
Duo leaned back into the kitchen counter, imprinting the flowery tile shape onto his body. His head was thrown back, his breathing hitched, and with every bob of Heero’s head, his hips thrusted forward. Had the stove been on at full power, the flames devouring his hair, Duo would have never noticed. The heat within his body was hotter than anything the kitchen could produce.
With every moan, every thrust, Heero knew that Duo was close. So close. But not yet. Heero reluctantly released Duo from his mouth and stood, only to kiss him senseless. His tongue sought out Duo’s and they met in a fierce duel. Their tongues fought for dominance, neither winning the battle, but each satisfied with the results. The battle continued until Heero pulled back to whisper into Duo’s ear.
“Let me inside you.”
And that was all it took. Duo spun, his braid nearly decapitating Heero in its wake. Duo grabbed the counter with his unsteady hands and tipped his hips towards Heero’s waiting desire. Soon, all would be consummated, their lusts and love meeting in one moment of clarity.
Heero could only stare at the perfection of Duo’s buttocks, wriggling so helplessly, so in need. Once again, Heero sank to his knees, wanting to taste, to drive Duo mad with desire. Heero’s tongue shot out delicately as soon as his knees hit the cold tiles again, sinking into the heat that was Duo. Heero explored every crevice, every turn and twist between Duo’s wanting hips, tasting, loving, exploring the depths that he was so familiar with. When his tongue entered Duo’s entrance, it was all he could do to prevent his release as. Duo screamed his name with passion so evident behind his voice. The sound only drove him deeper into the madness.
“Scream for me, beloved.”
That was all that was needed before Duo screamed loudly enough to wake the dead. Heero could only revel in the sound before he found the lube tucked away discreetly in a drawer by Duo’s writhing body. When he had coated himself and Duo enough for the pain of passage to be negligible, he could only whisper into Duo’s awaiting ear..
“Wait for me, my love.”
All Heero heard was a moan that was translated into a positive response. He coated himself and Duo’s entrance the best he could upon that moan, hoping that it was enough to counter the pain that could follow. But had he known of Duo’s feelings, he would not have thought so far ahead. All Duo wanted was Heero buried inside of him to the hilt, the desire of Heero’s love penetrating to the deepest recesses of his body and soul.
Heero entered Duo’s tight entrance without hesitation, his desire overwhelming the concern for Duo’s comfort. He need not have worried for Duo’s comfort level for it was overwhelmed by the desire, his body tightening in response to Heero’s invasion of his body.
The scream that tore itself from Duo’s throat at Heero’s entrance could only be described as desperate, if not needed. As soon as Heero entered Duo, the entire exchange of love and lust changed from sheer need to sheer love.
Duo could only respond by screaming now, his thoughts and reason having left him only moments before the entrance. All he could feel was Heero’s need deep within his body, throbbing, wanting, needing. It was all he needed to finish the act. The act of lust, of need, of love.
Heero felt himself deep within Duo’s cavern, the heat of Duo’s body surrounding his very need. It was excruciating, this need for someone, but he was used to it by now. Every time he entered Duo’s body, the need asserted itself, demanding for release.
With every thrust that Heero made, Duo rocked his hips to match the rhythm. They could both feel the edge getting closer with every movement, both nearly ready to fall. Heero closed his hand around Duo’s hardness, stroking in time with his thrusts while his other hand sought out Duo’s hand gripping onto the counter. Heero became more frantic, his thrusts became harder, faster, until his entire body tightened. Sinking his teeth into Duo’s shoulder to muffle his unintelligible scream, Heero released himself into Duo’s body. His body shuddered, his knees felt weak, but Heero continued to thrust and his hand moved faster along Duo’s length. It wasn’t long before Duo shuddered and arched forward. His voice had given out and the only sounds he emitted were soft, gasping moans. In the silence between the moans, Duo came into Heero’s hand, onto the kitchen counter.
They could only sink weakly to the tiled floor of the kitchen afterwards and hold each other loosely. Their backs touched the wood paneling of the cabinets that seemed so much warmer than the cold tile biting into their ass. But they were smiling, their eyes lit with satisfaction, love and joy.
“I think we should clean the kitchen.”
Duo chuckled at Heero’s concerns. He wasn’t thinking that far ahead into the future. He had yet to catch his breath.
“We will, Heero. But for now, can we just enjoy the moment?”
It would be a long while before they moved.
Whispers of voices filtered through the humid air, lazily floating in the garden like a tired butterfly. Heero spied Duo and Wufei whispering, both smiling with some anticipated thing. The intense humidity weighed down on Duo’s braid and made the long rope seem heavier than usual. Heero could see signs of discomfort in Duo from the way he shifted and fidgeted - why he was out in the humidity of the garden in the heat was incomprehensible. What was he planning with Wufei that could not be said within the confines of the coolly air-conditioned house?
Heero strained the read their lips, but they were barely moving their lips, talking without giving away their words. He knew that Duo liked to surprise him and with their anniversary coming up in a week, he could only imagine the things his lover had in store. A gift, a night of passion, a frolic in the woods, anything was fair game. And Heero enjoyed every last bit of Duo’s surprise, always looking forward to more.
Heero puzzled and set his brain to work. If Duo had Wufei involved, it had to be something complicated that he could not pull of on his own. His lover was one of the most capable people he knew, so if he was enlisting help, the surprise to come must have been a big one. A doozy. Heero grinned at the colloquialism. He was slowly building his vocabulary on American slang terms that Duo liked to throw into his sentences.
After what seemed to be a short eternity, Duo stood, patted Wufei on the shoulder and walked back into the house. Droplets of sweat ran down his face, making a trail before dripping onto the ground. Heero could hear the sigh of relief when Duo entered the house and the cold air assailed him.
Detaching himself from the window, Heero sauntered over to Duo with a small smile, a towel ready in his hands. His lover had already noticed his presence and was busy airing his overheated body by pulling off his shirt and fanning himself with his hand. It was a beautiful sight that etched itself into Heero’s mind.
Duo nodded in agreement. It could not be helped, not after sitting outside for hours in black clothes. Instead of replying with words, Duo looked at Heero, twitched his head upstairs and gave him a leer. Then without waiting, Duo ran upstairs toward the shower with Heero close on his heels.
They were a couple like many else. They argued, they had communication mishaps and they sometimes hurt each other’s feelings. But these little detours in life always reminded them how much they meant to each other and everything else fell away.
--a one way street--
Heero could hear the muffled crying through the wall, the sound filled with a piteous sadness that only reflected a small part of the anguish in his heart. But damn it all, he would not give up.
His computers ran furiously, working at top speeds, searching, delving, digging. Duo’s sudden disappearance had shaken them all to the core and had nearly drove Heero into madness. But madness would not find him his lover. Only a clear mind and resolve could. And that had been a month ago.
The keening cry became softer. Trowa must be comforting Quatre. Heero ignored the sounds and continued his quest to find Duo. The one who had promised to be his side until death and then afterwards. The one who had said he’d return and never had. There were too many questions unanswered and too many possibilities unconsidered. The Preventers had nothing, the local authorities had nothing. Heero’s desperation had even made him reach out to Relena for help.
Everyone, especially Relena, had been supportive and sympathetic, but he didn’t need those things. He needed information. He needed to find Duo. His need had been so great that he had pleaded with Relena to use her vast network of contacts to find out something, anything, about his beloved’s whereabouts. He had broken his rule to protect and watch over her from afar. He had to, for Duo.
But nothing. No one knew anything. It was as if Duo had stepped out of the house that day and just disappeared into thin air. Only memories lingered, his scent long faded from his possessions, his hair vacuumed up by the house service, his joyful presence drowned out by the oppressive sorrow.
The computers worked constantly, feeding Heero data that did nothing for the search. Frustration mounted, tears gathered, hands clenched, but the search continued. Day in and day out, week after week.
Years would pass like this, until Heero ran into a dead end. And even then, he could not give up.
--a michigan left--
It was said that time healed and erased all things. Pain, grief, joy, love. Time had the ability to make them go away, make them fade from the mind until it was just a tender ache in the back of the soul. But time was not so kind to Heero Yuy. Instead of easing the pain, time only made it greater, reminding him with sharp hooks of what was lost to him.
Memories did not fade. Love did not disappear. Pain became the only constant.
The only thing that time erased was hope.
Heero could still remember all the dates that Duo had deemed important. Their birthdays, the Catholic holidays Duo celebrated, some whacked out commercial holiday called Valentine’s day. More than those days celebrated by all, Heero cherished the dates that Duo had claimed for them. The anniversaries, he had called them. Of their first kiss, first words, first shots fired, first time love making, first admissions of love. The year was littered with these special dates that Heero still observed. He still celebrated them, imagining that his lover, where ever he was, was doing the same.
Heero raised his glass to the empty room before him, watching the dark red wine swirl with his slight movement. Today was an anniversary of sorts, a special day, a date with meaning.
“I miss you.”
With those words, Heero drank until the glass was empty.
“I can’t say happy anniversary. But I can say, please come back.”
Today was an anniversary. Today, all those years ago, Heero had said his last words to Duo.
A letter written in precise scrawl would be Heero’s first relief. Years after, an unassuming letter put everything into place.
--travel with me--
Words are often inadequate to express the true depth of one’s heart. They cannot convey the amorphous feelings nor the tumultuous emotions of the soul. What people experience, those things they can call sadness, happiness, love, hate, are just small markers to point others in the right direction.
Heero, look beyond my words and try to feel what I can’t say with words. No matter how many times I write ‘I love you’, the true meaning is lost with those trite words. How can a four letter word describe this immensity that I feel for you? How can I claim to love you when the word is just too insignificant to explain what’s in my heart?
Can you believe me when I say I miss you? Do you know the depth of it? Can you forgive me after my leaving? Have the years erased me from your mind?
Can you see the emotion behind the letters?
You must have asked, why did I leave more times than there are stars in the sky. Or am I being narcissistic?
No. I believe in your love as much as I believe in you. I know you searched, I know you suffered, and I know, as you read this, no matter what I say about my disappearance, you have already forgiven me.
But you don’t have to say anything. Words would not be enough for us anyway.
So, where have I been? I don’t know. Why did I disappear? I don’t know.
All I know is that on that day, the world went white and suddenly, I was alone.
I could be dead, roaming some strange purgatory. I could be between dimensions, playing out some science fiction novel. I could be anywhere.
But I felt the passage of time. I felt you. And this was the best I could do, write you a letter.
I hope this finds you, Heero. I hope I find you. I hope.
Love you. Miss you. Love you.
Heero drove. The road seemed endless and that was fine with him. On the passenger side was the letter from Duo that he had read until the paper thinned around the folded edges. It was his most prized possession now.
The letter hadn’t told him where Duo was or why he had gone away. Nothing had been explained, but that was neither here nor there. All that mattered was that somewhere out there, Duo was waiting for him, looking for him.
Clear cut explanations, neat packaged words that summarized, trite needs for a definite ending and a beginning, those were not needed.
They wouldn’t have a happy ending. They wouldn’t live happily ever after. They wouldn’t coo words of love at each other with shiny eyes.
Confusion, uncertainty, intensity. That was the life Heero would lead with Duo when he found him again. The road wandered endlessly and aimlessly before him, but somewhere along the way, he would find Duo. Then they would travel, live and love as they were meant to.